Disclaimer: Do I own anything of importance you ask? ^.^;; Nay, I own only my insane mind and all my fics that also are… insane.
A/N I needed to write some angst or the voices in my head would drive me insane, they argue way too much. It's Taito and slight Sorato (bleah). Not sure about a next chapter… it's 2:13 am. and I in no way can think straight! ~_~#
I'm aware that this is so not Tai-Chan, all serious and knowledgeable and stuff, but hey, it happens. Everyone has his or her smart times, right? Man I need more sleep, that makes no sense whatsoever!!! O_o;;
This is kinda my vacation from 'Betrayal of The Heart'. My only warning is, this is a somber fic, heh ^_^ and be prepared for much anguish. Oh yah, be prepared for much fluffiness too *^_^* It's a nice mixture; you're sure to have plenty of mood swings whilst reading this hehe.
Stuff not written in italics is Tai's actions.
*W H A T S H O U L D B E S A I D*
By Crimson Rose
A Little of My Philosophy
Sometimes what we want to say isn't always the most amiable thing, and sometimes what we have to say isn't enough.
So what should be said remains a secret, one that very often is taken to our graves. To express oneself is one of the most convoluted things in the world, to be able to express our love to our only angel is the chastest thing in the universe. The consequence, or dilemma rather, is that in order to attain this great triumph, we must be able to uncover the secrets.
So what should be said? That is a most intricate question that we need to be able to answer, to only ourselves.
So now you see my dilemma, one that is common with many others in life.
Chapter 1 Hidden Truths
Yagami Taichi allows himself to let out a contented sigh into the air. He burrows his face into his comfy, navy pillow and a hidden dim-witted grin surfaced on his dazed face.
Today was a Sunday, his personal favourite day of the week. It was a day of laziness. His Mum, Dad and sister Kari had all gone to his cousins, to give them their early Christmas greetings or whatever. He however had a slight temperature and his mother had told him not to leave the house. He didn't complain at the time, which meant he got to stay home alone and with all the privacy he wanted in the world. Why would anyone in their right mind protest to an advantage like that?
He allowed his heavy eyelids to close but restricted himself not to fall into the land of dreams.
He let his mind drift to where it always would, tranquillity soon following.
He is an extraordinary creature.
Unic in his every last detail. He was made to perfection, made to please in every way possible. Made to satisfy beyond meaning.
Suave golden, blonde locks, China doll skin, so soft to lay hand upon. I wonder what would it be like to caress that smooth, milky pallid skin? Would to touch his sacred face be like touching fine satin?
He couldn't recall the last proper conversation they had had in a while.
I love the sound of his silky voice.
His voice is one that even holy angels can't compare with. Soft, calm and cool always.
He has everything that a person could ever desire in another. Eyes from the deepest, clearest, sapphire ocean. He is elegant, sleek and lustrous, and brings light into a room with his presence. Beauty of a red rose, lips the colour of peaches. Almost too attractive, and with a personality to match.
There would and could only be one soul that could burn with such a passionate flame yet be tamed by ice without the fire being drowned out. There could only ever be one human who could be seen so faultless, flawless. And yes, it was him. Him, and only, him.
Rolling onto his back, his chocolate brown eyes opened and intensified with his deepening thoughts. Staring at the blank, white ceiling proved to be a very effortless focus that allowed thoughts to roam more easily. So calm, so tranquil.
He is everything.
Perfect was a word created entirely for him.
He was now fully in a happy stupor. There was yet another contented sigh, this one managing to escape his lips involuntarily.
"Yamato."
Even his name is such a pleasure to say. Every last syllable.
He soon realised he was blushing; heat reached his cheeks so that they became almost as heated as his forehead.
He sat up and swung both his legs over the side; if he lay on the bed any longer he would fall asleep almost certainly.
They say that one will always know when they find their soul mate. It's meant to be, unmistakable.
Yeah, I'll admit it, but only to myself, I have pondered over the concept of 'soul mate' for way too long. What I have come to find is that a soul mate is one who you are destined to be with; you can stare into the person's eyes and see their soul, a window to their existence for only you to view. A soul mate is your one true love, and once you find him or her, your psyches and hearts will bind together as one for eternity. Forever.
I believe that this is true. Every word. And when you find that person, you just know. 'You just know'? How cliché but incredibly accurate.
His trance was broken by the most minor of frowns. His brows creased with the beginning of fret.
But what if your soul mate just doesn't yet know that it's you?
Now there was something that took away all peace in his consciousness. A nice little predicament.
He crossed his arms and tilted his head ever so slightly. His stupor was returning, he fell into his hazy status again.
I've become lost, lost in all that is Ishida Yamato, and lost with this new notion of love. Lost with everything.
Love used to mean nothing, well, nothing of much importance.
Just a word.
A word said to bring comfort to others when they needed it, a word said once in a while to the person you shared your relationship with, a word that could be alleged to anyone and not inevitably have to be true. Just a simple phrase like 'I love you' can be used all the time and have no significance to either of the persons.
I never knew what true love was, that is, until now…
Subconsciously his body, moving on it's own accord, carelessly clambered down the bunk bed's ladder to the floor.
Opening up the small door to the russet, wooden cabinet beside his sister's part of the bed, he very carefully pulled out a photograph.
It was quite a recent picture, taken in the local park with all the former Digidestined. And guess which couple starred in the centre of the huddled group. Yes, it was he and Matt, standing beside each other looking very cheerful. Everyone else kind of faded into the background. Who knew Izzy's programmed, digital camera could take such a great photo?
We used to be best friends; nothing too complicated for me, just very close friends. We've both been through the same tough experiences together, we'd both shared our fears and our secrets with each other, we were best friends. I mean we are, or at least that's what he thinks.
It's different now though, once you find love it changes your perspectives of things. Just as depression or anxiety can, in a way love has the same effect, just nowhere near as disheartening or wretched! Once you name the strong emotion towards the one you love, you know at that moment in time, nothing will ever be the same.
So now I wonder, will we ever share secrets again? Will I ever be able to make half-wit jokes to him? Will he ever see me the same way, ever again? Just his goofy, ever-faithful friend who's in love with him. Well I guess he doesn't know that part yet…
His fingers tightened around the photo.
Anticipation is a feeling I don't care much for. That's why I plan to end my anticipation, tonight.
Tonight, I shall seek the answers to my questions, no tonight; I will get the answers to my questions.
I'm going to tell him everything.
Yeah, I know that's not true. That's because I can't tell him everything because of the obstacles.
Like Sora…
A big nasty complication to my plan. I always promise myself that I'll 'tell him today', but I never do, because I can't.
I'd probably just give him the worst Christmas of his life… what good that'll do.
Suddenly the emotion that is anger dug its way inside him. The group picture was tossed into its former place of keep. He smashed the door shut without haste and after mentally gave himself a kick for letting his anger get the best of him.
Oh the amounts of reasons are agonizing. There's just so many, it makes my head hurt so much! Why couldn't love be simple? You love someone and they automatically love you back, and voila! There you are, you now have a firm, steady relationship!
Ha, yeah right.
He shook his head plagued with all the perplexity of the predicament.
Why did I have to be in love with him? A guy? My closest friend…Yamato…
Positive. He needed to think positive. He'd had enough anguish to last a person a lifetime, it always lead him to the same incongruous door of nowhere.
At first I hated myself, denied all my feelings, but of course that was simply stupid! How can anyone deny feelings as strong as these? Hell, I don't believe I'm even gay. I'm not attracted to any other male with the exception of the angel named, Ishida Yamato.
I've always liked girls, so even now I remain confused. Am I gay? Who knows! I don't think that has any importance to me anymore. And why should it either?
It was true. Sexuality was not a concern when it came to love. He knew the same as any, that in the end, if the feelings were pure and true, then nothing else really mattered. Again, very cliché, 'love has no bounds'. Yet still…
My heads spinning, all these obscurities…
I only covet simplicity in this complicated game of love.
I don't want to ruin his relationship with Sora, no matter how envious I may be. I'd rather suffer then know I'd wrecked his relationship with his true love. That would be a pain past my length of endurance.
The problem was, it was so impossible to tell.
Does he truly love her?
At first I thought it was her that I wanted, Sora.
I remember that day so vividly. Before Matt's concert, I asked her, god I feel like such a frigging fool! I remember the words, they come so easily, a disconcerting nightmare that is relived every time I let the echoes be sounded in my mind. How long had I thought that I…wanted…her? Haha, then she told me that she wanted to 'keep available in case Matt is'. That was when I felt my first stab of hatred. Naturally of course, my first assumption was that it was Matt who was the duplicitous person that had dug that painful dagger in. That was until the blade plunged deeper and I realised it was her. Takenouchi Sora.
Then, those stupid cookies!
Stupid they may seem to me now, a pathetic way of offering a small gift hoping in return to receive something far greater. It worked. She has him now. He's clutched tightly in her hand so no one can reach him.
I could never see that shine in those expressive, blue eyes, not like when he was with me. She could never make him laugh the way that I do. That twinkle in his eyes just never shows when he's with her, but when he's with me…
I know for fact that if I try harder, as in use all my strength and will, I can reach him. I can reach my Yamato and pry free her fingers from the angel that is imprisoned in them. I can, and I hopefully, will.
My crest was Courage, yet my courage has failed me more than enough times, it better not now though.
He stood up from the bed wearily.
But I know I'm a coward, I'll never be able to tell him.
"I'm so confused…"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
-_-'' I think I'm dead, no wait, sorry my eyes closed…
What a thrilling chapter ne? *yaaaaaawn* heh, right.
This is my Christmas present to all you guys. I'm off to bed =_= review and I shall be forever grateful, and less gloomy, blah blah blah, man listen to me rant on…
Need…bed…now. Sleep seems very appealing right now.
Please…r-re-revieeeeew…ZZZZzzzzzzzzzz v_v
*~xxx~*Ja ne*~xxx~*