Chapter 4
Jack picked himself up off the bathroom floor. He was surprised at how much better he felt after a heavy purging session. He quickly undressed and stepped into the shower replaying Eric's words in his mind, trying to grasp the events that had transpired in the last fifteen minutes. He stood, back against the warm shower stream, swaying back and forth, thinking until the water ran cold.
"That sure wasn't a sensitive response," Jack whispered to himself, shivering a little, more from his weakened condition and the sudden jet of cool water, he thought.
After he exited the shower, Jack grabbed a white towel and stood in front of the mirror drying his hair. He looked at the mirror for a moment then wiped it down and looked at himself from head to toe.
"How often does this happen I wonder." He started drying his body, the left arm and then the right.
"My two best friends are in love with me." He began to rub down his chest and stomach and then flung the towel around his neck. His muscles flexed as he pulled the towel from side to side, working its way from the tops of his shoulders slowly down to his lower back.
"I'm flattered but…" He dropped one side of the towel and continued; starting with his calves, working his way up to his thighs. He paused momentarily when he noticed that he was partially aroused. He didn't want to think about what triggered that reaction, so he dismissed it and continued. He stood back up, looking again into the mirror. "You have a serious problem, Jack and you need to fix it fast." He wrapped the towel around his waist, walked over to his bed and sat down. He picked up the phone and dialed.
"Shawn, its me. You think you could stop over here for a minute. Something's going down that I need your help with."
***
Eric sped off, wiping tears from his cheeks with his coat sleeve. "I'm such an IDIOT!" he yelled. He pulled over to the side of the road near a park and hunched over the steering wheel, sobbing uncontrollably. "I just want to be happy…just wanna make Jack happy…" He continued to cry until he was numb.
***
Jack answered the door bare-foot, wearing a navy-blue T-shirt and black jeans.
"Hey man, thanks for coming over."
"Anytime, what's the emergency… and what is that smell???" Shawn walked through the open door smelling a little heavy on the aftershave and pinching his nose.
"Just be glad I finished cleaning it up before you got here. I'd tell ya to sit down, but I think the couch could use another once over." Jack led Shawn into the bedroom where they both plopped down on Jack's bed, Jack at the foot and Shawn at the head leaning on Jack's pillow.
"So last night I break up with Rachel at a sushi restaurant and I wake up this morning feeling awful. Eric gets up and tells me that he…"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. You broke up with Rachel?"
"Yeah, but that's not the point."
"What's wrong with Rachel? She's hot! She's tall and smart... what's your problem?"
"You're not listening! Rachel and I are going in different directions and it's just not working. Anyway, I wake up feeling REALLY sick, so I go sit on the couch and try watching some TV to see if it passes."
"Alright, I'm with ya." Shawn sits up, taking a more attentive posture.
"So Eric comes in a few minutes later and sits down by me saying he wants to talk."
"What does this have to do with that smell?" Shawn grimaces at the lingering aroma that permeates the bedroom.
"Shut up, I'm getting to that. So Eric says to me, 'I'm in love with you' and then I threw up."
"Oh man, no wonder it smells so rank in here," Shawn scrunched up his nose for effect.
"Did you hear me? Eric told me he is in love with me!"
"You must have misunderstood him. Eric's not gay. We'd know if Eric was gay." Shawn gave Jack a dismissive glance. "Besides, you've got Rachel..."
"Had Rachel..." Jack interrupted.
Shawn thought for a moment, "So you blew chunks because he told you that? Man, you're a bigot!" Shawn shot Jack a mocking grin and threw Jack's pillow at him, also knocking the bottle of lotion off of Jack's nightstand.
"Am I talking to myself here? I told you, I was already sick before Eric got up this morning! I threw up because I was sick, not because of what Eric said."
"Nice… can't you put your 'personal effects' away when your through using 'em?" Shawn drew imaginary quotes in the air as he spoke.
Jack looked confused, staring at the bottle of lotion on the floor, "I didn't put that there…"
"Sure you didn't. So what are you gonna do? Where's Eric now?" Shawn stood up. Jack looked back at Shawn.
"I don't know, I heard the door slam while I was making my peace with the porcelain throne." Jack stood up.
"Aww man, he could be anywhere. Poor guy. He just wants to be loved, is that so wrong?" Shawn held his arms out and walked towards Jack, as if to embrace him.
"Knock it off, he's one of our best friends and we should help him if we can." Jack sat back down again. He looked back down at the lotion bottle as he ran his hand through his hair.
"Ok, ok…Lemme call Cory, he might know where Eric went," Shawn reached for the phone.
"Good idea." Jack reached for the bottle.
***
He sat staring out the driver-side window at the children playing in the park. Eric Matthews felt empty. He had no more tears to cry, no more heart to bleed. He remained motionless, unblinking, slumped over, embracing the steering wheel, his right temple resting against the top of the wheel grip.
"I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go," he whispered to himself. But Eric did know what he wanted to do. Against his better judgment, he knew exactly where he wanted to go.
"I want to go home." Eric whispered.
***
"…yeah, Eric was here the night before last, and he came out to us like it was some job promotion or graduation announcement…" Cory related, disgust oozing from the phone.
"Sounds like you handled that…quite…nicely..." Shawn retorted with a hint of sarcasm.
"Yeah, well pretend you're me and, say, Jack came out to you, how would you feel?"
"I dunno, I'd have to go through it I guess."
"That's right, so lay off; we're having a hard enough time dealing with it as it is. At least your brother isn't gay," Cory's voice was growing more irate.
"Look, can Jack and I come over, maybe we need to sit and discuss this and see what we can do to help Eric through this."
"Fine by me, we'll be here."
"Alright, be there in 10." Shawn hung up the phone.
"They knew about Eric?" Jack stared at Shawn, taken back.
"Seems they did. Only 48 hours sooner than we knew. We should head over there so we can figure this mess out."
"I'll drive." Jack grabbed his keys.
***
Eric walked in through the back door; vigorously wiping his face, trying to camouflage the tear stains on his cheeks. His mother walked into the kitchen and saw Eric looking like he had been beaten in the face with a rubber hose.
"Sweetie, what's the matter?" She walked over to Eric and hugged him. Eric was overwhelmed and began to cry again, sobbing into his mothers' shoulder.
"Shhhhh… Eric, honey, it's ok, tell me what's wrong…"
"I can't (sob)… I hate (sob) my life…" Eric broke down again, crying harder and harder as his mother held him tightly.
"Shhhhh, It's ok sweetie, it's all gonna be ok." After a few more minutes of sobbing, Eric's emotional outburst subsided enough for him to notice that he had drenched his mothers' red sweater in saliva, mucous and tears. Eric half chuckled at it.
"Guess you should change your sweater, I may need a fresh one later." Mrs. Matthews looked at the large wet stain and smiled.
"Yeah, I think I'll do that." She looked lovingly at him before she headed up the stairs. Eric heard her yell, "Alan! Your oldest son is here!"
A few moments later, Mr. Matthews walked into the kitchen to find Eric sitting at the table, staring at his hands folded neatly in front of him.
"That's quite a number you pulled there on your mother," he said as he sat down next to his son.
"Yeah, well I had a moment there but I'm better now." Eric continued to stare at his hands.
"Why don't you tell me what's bothering you." Mr. Matthews placed his hand on Eric's hands to get his attention. Eric looked up and both of their eyes met. He could see frustration and grief in his son's brooding brown eyes.
"Dad, I'm just tired. I'm so tired of being torn down. I'm tired of feeling different than everybody. I'm tired of being alone."
"Eric, how are you alone? You have a great roommate; you live within walking distance of your brother and sister-in-law. We only live 20 minutes further by car. I don't see how that makes you different or alone." He gently yet firmly squeezed Eric's hands.
"Dad, you don't understand, and if you react like Cory and Topanga and Jack did, I'll leave."
"Eric, you're my son, my flesh and blood. There is no problem that you could possibly face that you couldn't count on your mother and I to help you out with."
"Yeah, well not this problem." Eric looked back at his hands, still covered by his father's strong hand.
"Hey, pal. Talk to me, I've always been here for you." He leaned down towards the table to recapture Eric's gaze. Eric looked back at him.
"Ok, dad. Try this… I'm in love with Jack."
Mr. Matthews sat staring, unbelieving at his sons face. He fought an instinctual impulse to withdraw his hand, but remained calm and cool… on the outside. At the same moment Mrs. Matthews had walked back into the kitchen wearing a green blouse. She froze as soon as she processed what her son had just spoken. Eric studied both of their faces for a moment.
"See? It's not so easy, is it..." Eric stood up, the chair grating against the floor loudly as he pushed it back with his legs.
"Why is everyone so surprised? Why are you all so quick to judge me? Do you think I like feeling like this? Do you think I want to live like this? If I could choose right now, I'd choose to be straight, just to make you and mom happy. To make Cory and Topanga happy. To make Jack happy and have my best friend back." Eric sidestepped his chair and slowly backed up toward the back kitchen door. "I feel miserable and alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be as happy as you and mom, like Cory and Topanga... the only difference is, I want it with Jack."
"Eric, I… I had no idea." Mrs. Matthews stuttered. She couldn't comprehend what she should say at this very moment. "Eric, we love you."
Mr. Matthews turned to look up at Eric, "We love you very much. We'll get you some help, find you a good doctor…" Mr. Matthews stood up.
"Would you just stop? I'm not sick! I'm GAY!" Eric screamed. He abruptly turned around and walked out the door, slamming it behind him.
Mr. Matthews walked over to his wife, who had begun to cry, and hugged her tightly.
Jack picked himself up off the bathroom floor. He was surprised at how much better he felt after a heavy purging session. He quickly undressed and stepped into the shower replaying Eric's words in his mind, trying to grasp the events that had transpired in the last fifteen minutes. He stood, back against the warm shower stream, swaying back and forth, thinking until the water ran cold.
"That sure wasn't a sensitive response," Jack whispered to himself, shivering a little, more from his weakened condition and the sudden jet of cool water, he thought.
After he exited the shower, Jack grabbed a white towel and stood in front of the mirror drying his hair. He looked at the mirror for a moment then wiped it down and looked at himself from head to toe.
"How often does this happen I wonder." He started drying his body, the left arm and then the right.
"My two best friends are in love with me." He began to rub down his chest and stomach and then flung the towel around his neck. His muscles flexed as he pulled the towel from side to side, working its way from the tops of his shoulders slowly down to his lower back.
"I'm flattered but…" He dropped one side of the towel and continued; starting with his calves, working his way up to his thighs. He paused momentarily when he noticed that he was partially aroused. He didn't want to think about what triggered that reaction, so he dismissed it and continued. He stood back up, looking again into the mirror. "You have a serious problem, Jack and you need to fix it fast." He wrapped the towel around his waist, walked over to his bed and sat down. He picked up the phone and dialed.
"Shawn, its me. You think you could stop over here for a minute. Something's going down that I need your help with."
***
Eric sped off, wiping tears from his cheeks with his coat sleeve. "I'm such an IDIOT!" he yelled. He pulled over to the side of the road near a park and hunched over the steering wheel, sobbing uncontrollably. "I just want to be happy…just wanna make Jack happy…" He continued to cry until he was numb.
***
Jack answered the door bare-foot, wearing a navy-blue T-shirt and black jeans.
"Hey man, thanks for coming over."
"Anytime, what's the emergency… and what is that smell???" Shawn walked through the open door smelling a little heavy on the aftershave and pinching his nose.
"Just be glad I finished cleaning it up before you got here. I'd tell ya to sit down, but I think the couch could use another once over." Jack led Shawn into the bedroom where they both plopped down on Jack's bed, Jack at the foot and Shawn at the head leaning on Jack's pillow.
"So last night I break up with Rachel at a sushi restaurant and I wake up this morning feeling awful. Eric gets up and tells me that he…"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. You broke up with Rachel?"
"Yeah, but that's not the point."
"What's wrong with Rachel? She's hot! She's tall and smart... what's your problem?"
"You're not listening! Rachel and I are going in different directions and it's just not working. Anyway, I wake up feeling REALLY sick, so I go sit on the couch and try watching some TV to see if it passes."
"Alright, I'm with ya." Shawn sits up, taking a more attentive posture.
"So Eric comes in a few minutes later and sits down by me saying he wants to talk."
"What does this have to do with that smell?" Shawn grimaces at the lingering aroma that permeates the bedroom.
"Shut up, I'm getting to that. So Eric says to me, 'I'm in love with you' and then I threw up."
"Oh man, no wonder it smells so rank in here," Shawn scrunched up his nose for effect.
"Did you hear me? Eric told me he is in love with me!"
"You must have misunderstood him. Eric's not gay. We'd know if Eric was gay." Shawn gave Jack a dismissive glance. "Besides, you've got Rachel..."
"Had Rachel..." Jack interrupted.
Shawn thought for a moment, "So you blew chunks because he told you that? Man, you're a bigot!" Shawn shot Jack a mocking grin and threw Jack's pillow at him, also knocking the bottle of lotion off of Jack's nightstand.
"Am I talking to myself here? I told you, I was already sick before Eric got up this morning! I threw up because I was sick, not because of what Eric said."
"Nice… can't you put your 'personal effects' away when your through using 'em?" Shawn drew imaginary quotes in the air as he spoke.
Jack looked confused, staring at the bottle of lotion on the floor, "I didn't put that there…"
"Sure you didn't. So what are you gonna do? Where's Eric now?" Shawn stood up. Jack looked back at Shawn.
"I don't know, I heard the door slam while I was making my peace with the porcelain throne." Jack stood up.
"Aww man, he could be anywhere. Poor guy. He just wants to be loved, is that so wrong?" Shawn held his arms out and walked towards Jack, as if to embrace him.
"Knock it off, he's one of our best friends and we should help him if we can." Jack sat back down again. He looked back down at the lotion bottle as he ran his hand through his hair.
"Ok, ok…Lemme call Cory, he might know where Eric went," Shawn reached for the phone.
"Good idea." Jack reached for the bottle.
***
He sat staring out the driver-side window at the children playing in the park. Eric Matthews felt empty. He had no more tears to cry, no more heart to bleed. He remained motionless, unblinking, slumped over, embracing the steering wheel, his right temple resting against the top of the wheel grip.
"I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go," he whispered to himself. But Eric did know what he wanted to do. Against his better judgment, he knew exactly where he wanted to go.
"I want to go home." Eric whispered.
***
"…yeah, Eric was here the night before last, and he came out to us like it was some job promotion or graduation announcement…" Cory related, disgust oozing from the phone.
"Sounds like you handled that…quite…nicely..." Shawn retorted with a hint of sarcasm.
"Yeah, well pretend you're me and, say, Jack came out to you, how would you feel?"
"I dunno, I'd have to go through it I guess."
"That's right, so lay off; we're having a hard enough time dealing with it as it is. At least your brother isn't gay," Cory's voice was growing more irate.
"Look, can Jack and I come over, maybe we need to sit and discuss this and see what we can do to help Eric through this."
"Fine by me, we'll be here."
"Alright, be there in 10." Shawn hung up the phone.
"They knew about Eric?" Jack stared at Shawn, taken back.
"Seems they did. Only 48 hours sooner than we knew. We should head over there so we can figure this mess out."
"I'll drive." Jack grabbed his keys.
***
Eric walked in through the back door; vigorously wiping his face, trying to camouflage the tear stains on his cheeks. His mother walked into the kitchen and saw Eric looking like he had been beaten in the face with a rubber hose.
"Sweetie, what's the matter?" She walked over to Eric and hugged him. Eric was overwhelmed and began to cry again, sobbing into his mothers' shoulder.
"Shhhhh… Eric, honey, it's ok, tell me what's wrong…"
"I can't (sob)… I hate (sob) my life…" Eric broke down again, crying harder and harder as his mother held him tightly.
"Shhhhh, It's ok sweetie, it's all gonna be ok." After a few more minutes of sobbing, Eric's emotional outburst subsided enough for him to notice that he had drenched his mothers' red sweater in saliva, mucous and tears. Eric half chuckled at it.
"Guess you should change your sweater, I may need a fresh one later." Mrs. Matthews looked at the large wet stain and smiled.
"Yeah, I think I'll do that." She looked lovingly at him before she headed up the stairs. Eric heard her yell, "Alan! Your oldest son is here!"
A few moments later, Mr. Matthews walked into the kitchen to find Eric sitting at the table, staring at his hands folded neatly in front of him.
"That's quite a number you pulled there on your mother," he said as he sat down next to his son.
"Yeah, well I had a moment there but I'm better now." Eric continued to stare at his hands.
"Why don't you tell me what's bothering you." Mr. Matthews placed his hand on Eric's hands to get his attention. Eric looked up and both of their eyes met. He could see frustration and grief in his son's brooding brown eyes.
"Dad, I'm just tired. I'm so tired of being torn down. I'm tired of feeling different than everybody. I'm tired of being alone."
"Eric, how are you alone? You have a great roommate; you live within walking distance of your brother and sister-in-law. We only live 20 minutes further by car. I don't see how that makes you different or alone." He gently yet firmly squeezed Eric's hands.
"Dad, you don't understand, and if you react like Cory and Topanga and Jack did, I'll leave."
"Eric, you're my son, my flesh and blood. There is no problem that you could possibly face that you couldn't count on your mother and I to help you out with."
"Yeah, well not this problem." Eric looked back at his hands, still covered by his father's strong hand.
"Hey, pal. Talk to me, I've always been here for you." He leaned down towards the table to recapture Eric's gaze. Eric looked back at him.
"Ok, dad. Try this… I'm in love with Jack."
Mr. Matthews sat staring, unbelieving at his sons face. He fought an instinctual impulse to withdraw his hand, but remained calm and cool… on the outside. At the same moment Mrs. Matthews had walked back into the kitchen wearing a green blouse. She froze as soon as she processed what her son had just spoken. Eric studied both of their faces for a moment.
"See? It's not so easy, is it..." Eric stood up, the chair grating against the floor loudly as he pushed it back with his legs.
"Why is everyone so surprised? Why are you all so quick to judge me? Do you think I like feeling like this? Do you think I want to live like this? If I could choose right now, I'd choose to be straight, just to make you and mom happy. To make Cory and Topanga happy. To make Jack happy and have my best friend back." Eric sidestepped his chair and slowly backed up toward the back kitchen door. "I feel miserable and alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be as happy as you and mom, like Cory and Topanga... the only difference is, I want it with Jack."
"Eric, I… I had no idea." Mrs. Matthews stuttered. She couldn't comprehend what she should say at this very moment. "Eric, we love you."
Mr. Matthews turned to look up at Eric, "We love you very much. We'll get you some help, find you a good doctor…" Mr. Matthews stood up.
"Would you just stop? I'm not sick! I'm GAY!" Eric screamed. He abruptly turned around and walked out the door, slamming it behind him.
Mr. Matthews walked over to his wife, who had begun to cry, and hugged her tightly.