Title: 'A Heart in Armor'
Author: Daenar (daenarchurill@hotmail.com)
Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius Productions, CBS and Paramount.
'Hearts in Armor' is property of Trisha Yearwood and MCA Records. No
copyright infringement intended.
Category: Romance Rating: PG-13
Spoiler: After having experienced a déjà-vu of the fateful night of Mac's rehearsal dinner, Harm finally finds the courage to speak from the heart. Follow-up to 'All Ye Faithful'.
Author's note: This is my first attempt at a song fic. When I first heard the lyrics I couldn't help making the connection to Harm. I haven't seen 'All Ye Faithful' yet, so please give me a little leeway if I got something wrong.
Normally I am not into NC-17 writing but I wanted to find out if I could do it. If you would like to read the result, email me. Once again, this is the result of a moment's inspiration, so no one has beta-read it. Sorry for any mistakes.
**********************************
i One more day my heart's in armor, Though I meant to let you in, In an effort not to harm it I have missed my chance again. /i
At this late hour the dance floor was nearly deserted. Only two other couples were dancing in the dim light. One single spotlight illuminated the piano and there were candles on the tables. Apart from that, the room was filled with warm darkness.
Harm subconsciously pulled Mac a little closer as they continued to softly sway to the music. The words hit too close home. This wasn't exactly what he had hoped for when he had asked her out after the dinner at the Roberts'. He had only longed to feel her close to him and to be able to forget about what he had experienced earlier, to finally relax, knowing that he hadn't lost her.
Of course, compared to what had happened on the night of Mac and Brumby's rehearsal dinner, today's flight had been a walk in the park. He had been able to get his plane under control and had landed safely. But when they hit the weather balloon, Harm hadn't been able not to think of the last time he had flown an F-14 in the urge to get back home, knowing that his friends were waiting for him. That she was waiting for him.
Only his steeled discipline had gotten him to keep his thoughts straight today, up in the air. When he had heard Mac's message on his answering machine, though, all had resurfaced. The fear for his life, being at the mercy of the waves, the despair when he had seen the rescue teams sweep the area without locating him. The possibility of never seeing Mac again. When he heard the slight quiver in her voice as she told him that she hoped everything was okay, he needed a few moments to fully regain his composure before he felt he was able to face her and his friends and pretend to be in a light, happy holiday mood.
At the party, all he wanted was not to have to talk too much, to power down and get his adrenaline in check. As soon as the others discovered his missing wings, that had been impossible. At once he had become the center of everyone's attention and had to relate the events at the Wall. Then the questions had started why he had been delayed and he had given details of his flight, hurting for Mac as he saw her eyes go wide with horror for a fraction of a second before she carefully masked her expression.
So, when they were about to leave he had asked her if she'd like to join him for a little lemon soda night cap in a quiet piano bar, hoping for a little emotional chill-out for the both of them. However, hearing lyrics like these had the opposite effect on his soul. Just how many times had he cursed the walls that he himself had built up around his heart, wanting desperately to open a door for Mac and yet failing to let her in?
i I was singing when I freed you, But my pride was just a veil, I pretended not to need you, Now my heart tells a different tale. /i
Well, he hadn't exactly been singing or whistling when, in the past, he had helped Mac deal with her problems, but he had always shown his smug fighter- jock exterior. All had been easier when he hid behind that mask, nothing really seemed to get under the surface. He had been safe from the emotions he dreaded. Harm had known for a long time that Mac affected him in a way that no other woman had ever come close to. And his fear to face his feelings had indeed pushed him to try and convince himself that he didn't need her.
But what would his life be without her? If she had married Brumby, what would have become of him? All that Harm could picture came down to one enormous void, gray wastelands of dried emotions. He involuntarily shuddered and once again tightened his hold on his friend whose head was resting against his shoulder, eyes closed, a peaceful smile playing on her lips.
i And every hour that goes by The harder I become, Because I let that well run dry, Because I left you unanswered... /i
So many times Mac had tried to build a bridge for him to cross the rift between them. So many times he couldn't bring himself to do it. When he had left for flying the words had been at the tip of his tongue - yet he had been evasive when Mac had asked him if he was in love. In Sydney he had fought the impulse to sweep her up in his arms, kiss the hell out of her and make love to her all night under the Southern Cross. Instead he had taken his refuge into lame excuses of not wanting to jeopardize their friendship. Why he had backed away... Harm still couldn't tell. And it was still harder to understand when he held Mac in his arms like he did now, her perfume clouding his senses, her heartbeat in unison with his.
Yet he had done it again, three times. When he felt he had to send her away because of Renée, after Mic had left... When she had asked him on the Guadalcanal what he would be willing to give up to have her... When, after the JAG-a-thon, she had asked him why they couldn't work things out between them... Leaving her questions unanswered - yeah, he was damned good at that.
Harm heaved a sigh and buried his nose in Mac's hair as they slowly danced on. He felt Mac stir in his embrace and pulled slightly back to find her watching him with a slight frown on her forehead.
"What's wrong with you, Harm?" she asked very softly, concerned. "You are so tense."
"Nothing," he tried his escape, casting her a quick smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.
Instead of the mocking comeback that he'd expected, absolute honesty shone in her eyes. "I think I know," she only said, lower still. "God knows I tried to chase the memories..."
Had he really been that obvious? Knowing that she had read him made his emotions resurface once again, reminding him that even now, a year and a half after his near-death experience, he hadn't really dealt with them. "Up there, for a moment, all sort of came back to me," was all he answered.
With her left hand, Mac reached up and shyly caressed his temple. "You can't imagine what I felt when I saw you in the Roberts' doorway."
Harm swallowed. "On the contrary, Mac," he whispered.
i Like a fool I kept my secret When it made no sense to try, Now I can no longer keep it, For it's late and the moon is high. /i
"I'm so sorry, Sarah," Harm spoke up after a few moments.
"For what?" Her head was again resting against his shoulder, her breath caressing his throat when she spoke, the sensation making him shiver.
"For so many lost opportunities," he said softly, "For so many heartaches, for all the time that we left out..."
Mac didn't answer. The only reaction that Harm noticed was that she tensed in his arms.
i And every hour that goes by The harder I become, Because I let that well run dry, Because I left you unanswered...
One more day my heart's in armor, Though I did not see it then, I would finish what you started If I had that chance again. /i
"Mac?"
"Hmmm?"
"Do I get that chance?"
She lifted her head and locked her gaze with his. Her eyes seemed even darker than they normally were, so mysterious and yet so well-known and dear to him. Again Harm pulled her close. She didn't resist. "Are you sure?" she only asked.
His eyes mirrored the emotions displayed in hers. His mouth was mere inches from hers when he answered, his breath grazing her face. "Yeah."
Trembling, Mac moved still closer. She felt intimidated and yet irresistibly captured by the desire burning in his eyes. "What do you suggest?" she whispered, her lips actually touching his for the shortest moment.
At her lips caressed his, Harm felt his senses awaken with an intensity that threatened to overwhelm him. He craved to completely close the distance but somehow felt reluctant to do so in public. This was the one crucial moment that could decide if he would ever be allowed to act on his love for her. Fear of making a wrong move now was paralyzing him. "Come to me," he whispered, feeling her shiver as his breath again caressed her face, his lips brushing hers ever so slightly, just like a moment ago.
"Why?" she whispered breathlessly, pressing her body close to his.
"You know the reason," he answered, unable to endure the tension any longer. His lips found hers in a long, heated, passionate kiss. When they broke apart, no words were needed. Within minutes, they were in his car, silently heading for his apartment.
As soon as Harm had closed the door, he and Mac were in each other's arms again, kissing with the desperate need built up in seven years of silent longing. Mac opened herself to him, hungrily welcoming his gentle efforts to explore her and exploring him in return. A low moan escaped Harm's throat, arousing both of them still further. Their coats dropped to the ground, shoved from their shoulders by the other's hands. Jackets and shirts followed suit within mere minutes.
The first time that skin made direct contact to skin electrified them. Their arms went tightly around one another, each burying their face in the curve of the other's neck to drown in each other's very special scent. They felt the heat of passion well up inside themselves with a force previously unknown to either one.
Harm gently pushed her backwards until she came to rest against his kitchen counter. "Now's the time to stop or go beyond the point of no return, Mac," Harm managed to choke out, his breathing ragged.
Mac knew she wouldn't be able to stop even if she wanted to. But there was one thing she wanted to know before she gave in completely. "Do you mean 'point of no return' as in 'starting something serious'?" she breathed, her hands continuing to roam over his back and shoulders.
His hands stilled their movements and he squeezed her tight. "I mean 'point of no return' as in 'for eternity'," he answered huskily, "If that's okay with you."
Mac's trembling intensified as the implications of his words sank in. She quickly wiped away a stray tear. "Lead the way," was all she said, softly, longingly, lovingly.
****************************
For what seemed like hours, they lay in each other's arms, completely swept away by their union. They firmly held on to one another, the other's presence being the one constant in a world that was still in continuous motion. Mac's head rested on Harm's chest as she listened to his heartbeat that slowly went back to normal.
"Thank you, Sarah," she eventually heard him whisper. She lifted her head and encountered his glance, astonished to see that there were tears in his eyes.
She smiled. "You're welcome. Thanks to you, too." She stretched and kissed away a tear that had made its way down his temple.
"Mac?"
"Yeah?"
"You know I love you, right?"
Now it was her turn to blink away her rising tears. "No, I didn't know. But I was hoping you did. I love you, too, Harm."
His smile was even more brilliant than she'd ever seen it. "What did I do to deserve this?"
She chuckled softly, again resting her head over his heart. "Nothing really. But it's the kind of man you are that outweighs everything you didn't do when you should have."
"Wow..." Her simple statement left him speechless. Instead he tightened his embrace and closed his eyes, trying to digest the situation.
"Harm?"
"What?"
"I'd like to sleep in your arms tonight."
He looked up and gave her another smile. "My house is your house, my bed is your bed, my life is your life, Mac. Do whatever you want."
"Thank you, flyboy," she whispered with a radiant smile of her own, kissing him goodnight before she settled down in his arms.
Harm listened to her breathing, unable to wipe the smile off his face. He had destroyed the armor that his heart had been captured in, only to replace it by a new chain. A chain that linked his heart to Mac's. And it felt sublime.
THE END
Category: Romance Rating: PG-13
Spoiler: After having experienced a déjà-vu of the fateful night of Mac's rehearsal dinner, Harm finally finds the courage to speak from the heart. Follow-up to 'All Ye Faithful'.
Author's note: This is my first attempt at a song fic. When I first heard the lyrics I couldn't help making the connection to Harm. I haven't seen 'All Ye Faithful' yet, so please give me a little leeway if I got something wrong.
Normally I am not into NC-17 writing but I wanted to find out if I could do it. If you would like to read the result, email me. Once again, this is the result of a moment's inspiration, so no one has beta-read it. Sorry for any mistakes.
**********************************
i One more day my heart's in armor, Though I meant to let you in, In an effort not to harm it I have missed my chance again. /i
At this late hour the dance floor was nearly deserted. Only two other couples were dancing in the dim light. One single spotlight illuminated the piano and there were candles on the tables. Apart from that, the room was filled with warm darkness.
Harm subconsciously pulled Mac a little closer as they continued to softly sway to the music. The words hit too close home. This wasn't exactly what he had hoped for when he had asked her out after the dinner at the Roberts'. He had only longed to feel her close to him and to be able to forget about what he had experienced earlier, to finally relax, knowing that he hadn't lost her.
Of course, compared to what had happened on the night of Mac and Brumby's rehearsal dinner, today's flight had been a walk in the park. He had been able to get his plane under control and had landed safely. But when they hit the weather balloon, Harm hadn't been able not to think of the last time he had flown an F-14 in the urge to get back home, knowing that his friends were waiting for him. That she was waiting for him.
Only his steeled discipline had gotten him to keep his thoughts straight today, up in the air. When he had heard Mac's message on his answering machine, though, all had resurfaced. The fear for his life, being at the mercy of the waves, the despair when he had seen the rescue teams sweep the area without locating him. The possibility of never seeing Mac again. When he heard the slight quiver in her voice as she told him that she hoped everything was okay, he needed a few moments to fully regain his composure before he felt he was able to face her and his friends and pretend to be in a light, happy holiday mood.
At the party, all he wanted was not to have to talk too much, to power down and get his adrenaline in check. As soon as the others discovered his missing wings, that had been impossible. At once he had become the center of everyone's attention and had to relate the events at the Wall. Then the questions had started why he had been delayed and he had given details of his flight, hurting for Mac as he saw her eyes go wide with horror for a fraction of a second before she carefully masked her expression.
So, when they were about to leave he had asked her if she'd like to join him for a little lemon soda night cap in a quiet piano bar, hoping for a little emotional chill-out for the both of them. However, hearing lyrics like these had the opposite effect on his soul. Just how many times had he cursed the walls that he himself had built up around his heart, wanting desperately to open a door for Mac and yet failing to let her in?
i I was singing when I freed you, But my pride was just a veil, I pretended not to need you, Now my heart tells a different tale. /i
Well, he hadn't exactly been singing or whistling when, in the past, he had helped Mac deal with her problems, but he had always shown his smug fighter- jock exterior. All had been easier when he hid behind that mask, nothing really seemed to get under the surface. He had been safe from the emotions he dreaded. Harm had known for a long time that Mac affected him in a way that no other woman had ever come close to. And his fear to face his feelings had indeed pushed him to try and convince himself that he didn't need her.
But what would his life be without her? If she had married Brumby, what would have become of him? All that Harm could picture came down to one enormous void, gray wastelands of dried emotions. He involuntarily shuddered and once again tightened his hold on his friend whose head was resting against his shoulder, eyes closed, a peaceful smile playing on her lips.
i And every hour that goes by The harder I become, Because I let that well run dry, Because I left you unanswered... /i
So many times Mac had tried to build a bridge for him to cross the rift between them. So many times he couldn't bring himself to do it. When he had left for flying the words had been at the tip of his tongue - yet he had been evasive when Mac had asked him if he was in love. In Sydney he had fought the impulse to sweep her up in his arms, kiss the hell out of her and make love to her all night under the Southern Cross. Instead he had taken his refuge into lame excuses of not wanting to jeopardize their friendship. Why he had backed away... Harm still couldn't tell. And it was still harder to understand when he held Mac in his arms like he did now, her perfume clouding his senses, her heartbeat in unison with his.
Yet he had done it again, three times. When he felt he had to send her away because of Renée, after Mic had left... When she had asked him on the Guadalcanal what he would be willing to give up to have her... When, after the JAG-a-thon, she had asked him why they couldn't work things out between them... Leaving her questions unanswered - yeah, he was damned good at that.
Harm heaved a sigh and buried his nose in Mac's hair as they slowly danced on. He felt Mac stir in his embrace and pulled slightly back to find her watching him with a slight frown on her forehead.
"What's wrong with you, Harm?" she asked very softly, concerned. "You are so tense."
"Nothing," he tried his escape, casting her a quick smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.
Instead of the mocking comeback that he'd expected, absolute honesty shone in her eyes. "I think I know," she only said, lower still. "God knows I tried to chase the memories..."
Had he really been that obvious? Knowing that she had read him made his emotions resurface once again, reminding him that even now, a year and a half after his near-death experience, he hadn't really dealt with them. "Up there, for a moment, all sort of came back to me," was all he answered.
With her left hand, Mac reached up and shyly caressed his temple. "You can't imagine what I felt when I saw you in the Roberts' doorway."
Harm swallowed. "On the contrary, Mac," he whispered.
i Like a fool I kept my secret When it made no sense to try, Now I can no longer keep it, For it's late and the moon is high. /i
"I'm so sorry, Sarah," Harm spoke up after a few moments.
"For what?" Her head was again resting against his shoulder, her breath caressing his throat when she spoke, the sensation making him shiver.
"For so many lost opportunities," he said softly, "For so many heartaches, for all the time that we left out..."
Mac didn't answer. The only reaction that Harm noticed was that she tensed in his arms.
i And every hour that goes by The harder I become, Because I let that well run dry, Because I left you unanswered...
One more day my heart's in armor, Though I did not see it then, I would finish what you started If I had that chance again. /i
"Mac?"
"Hmmm?"
"Do I get that chance?"
She lifted her head and locked her gaze with his. Her eyes seemed even darker than they normally were, so mysterious and yet so well-known and dear to him. Again Harm pulled her close. She didn't resist. "Are you sure?" she only asked.
His eyes mirrored the emotions displayed in hers. His mouth was mere inches from hers when he answered, his breath grazing her face. "Yeah."
Trembling, Mac moved still closer. She felt intimidated and yet irresistibly captured by the desire burning in his eyes. "What do you suggest?" she whispered, her lips actually touching his for the shortest moment.
At her lips caressed his, Harm felt his senses awaken with an intensity that threatened to overwhelm him. He craved to completely close the distance but somehow felt reluctant to do so in public. This was the one crucial moment that could decide if he would ever be allowed to act on his love for her. Fear of making a wrong move now was paralyzing him. "Come to me," he whispered, feeling her shiver as his breath again caressed her face, his lips brushing hers ever so slightly, just like a moment ago.
"Why?" she whispered breathlessly, pressing her body close to his.
"You know the reason," he answered, unable to endure the tension any longer. His lips found hers in a long, heated, passionate kiss. When they broke apart, no words were needed. Within minutes, they were in his car, silently heading for his apartment.
As soon as Harm had closed the door, he and Mac were in each other's arms again, kissing with the desperate need built up in seven years of silent longing. Mac opened herself to him, hungrily welcoming his gentle efforts to explore her and exploring him in return. A low moan escaped Harm's throat, arousing both of them still further. Their coats dropped to the ground, shoved from their shoulders by the other's hands. Jackets and shirts followed suit within mere minutes.
The first time that skin made direct contact to skin electrified them. Their arms went tightly around one another, each burying their face in the curve of the other's neck to drown in each other's very special scent. They felt the heat of passion well up inside themselves with a force previously unknown to either one.
Harm gently pushed her backwards until she came to rest against his kitchen counter. "Now's the time to stop or go beyond the point of no return, Mac," Harm managed to choke out, his breathing ragged.
Mac knew she wouldn't be able to stop even if she wanted to. But there was one thing she wanted to know before she gave in completely. "Do you mean 'point of no return' as in 'starting something serious'?" she breathed, her hands continuing to roam over his back and shoulders.
His hands stilled their movements and he squeezed her tight. "I mean 'point of no return' as in 'for eternity'," he answered huskily, "If that's okay with you."
Mac's trembling intensified as the implications of his words sank in. She quickly wiped away a stray tear. "Lead the way," was all she said, softly, longingly, lovingly.
****************************
For what seemed like hours, they lay in each other's arms, completely swept away by their union. They firmly held on to one another, the other's presence being the one constant in a world that was still in continuous motion. Mac's head rested on Harm's chest as she listened to his heartbeat that slowly went back to normal.
"Thank you, Sarah," she eventually heard him whisper. She lifted her head and encountered his glance, astonished to see that there were tears in his eyes.
She smiled. "You're welcome. Thanks to you, too." She stretched and kissed away a tear that had made its way down his temple.
"Mac?"
"Yeah?"
"You know I love you, right?"
Now it was her turn to blink away her rising tears. "No, I didn't know. But I was hoping you did. I love you, too, Harm."
His smile was even more brilliant than she'd ever seen it. "What did I do to deserve this?"
She chuckled softly, again resting her head over his heart. "Nothing really. But it's the kind of man you are that outweighs everything you didn't do when you should have."
"Wow..." Her simple statement left him speechless. Instead he tightened his embrace and closed his eyes, trying to digest the situation.
"Harm?"
"What?"
"I'd like to sleep in your arms tonight."
He looked up and gave her another smile. "My house is your house, my bed is your bed, my life is your life, Mac. Do whatever you want."
"Thank you, flyboy," she whispered with a radiant smile of her own, kissing him goodnight before she settled down in his arms.
Harm listened to her breathing, unable to wipe the smile off his face. He had destroyed the armor that his heart had been captured in, only to replace it by a new chain. A chain that linked his heart to Mac's. And it felt sublime.
THE END