I don't know where to begin. So many crazy things have happened. My mind
is still wandering through the dementia; trying to piece everything
together. It's funny, at one point I actually thought I was happy, really
happy, you know. Not that fake emotion you wear as a mask, but the real
thing, the one that makes your face light up when everything around you is
falling apart. Happiness is something I never thought I would find, not
with a track record like mine. I was, and still am a loser magnet. An
abuser's punching bag. But when I finally decided to leave NJ at 22, I
left without saying goodbye. I just slipped out one night and never looked
back. I guess I should start my story from there, because that's where it
gets interesting.
I left around midnight on Wednesday night, which would actually be first thing Thursday morning. A bottle of crushed xanax into the boys' chili that night, and they were passed out by 11. I didn't take much with me because I didn't want to take anything that would remind me of this hell. The only thing I took was the case, my .22 a few clothes to get me by and my T-bird. IT was the only thing Anthony had ever given me. Most of the time, he took from me. He took my innocence, my vitality, my self respect. But my T-bird, she was a present, all for me. It was an anniversary/Christmas present. IT was the only time of our relationship that I enjoyed, for about a month we were happy; that is before he settled into his old ways again. It was the only thing he ever bought for me, unless you count him footing the bill for my numerous hospital visits. She was candy apple red. I had him put the candy paint on her special. A 2002 Thunderbird Convertible Special, 20" rims, chromed out with a Bose system installed and a small sub woofer in the back, just to add the extra oomph. She was my pride and joy. All the pain, the betrayal, the lonely nights, heart wrenching days; it was all behind me now. All that was getting further and further behind me as I drove. For no particular reason I headed west. It was the furthest place from the East Coast, and I wasn't stopping till I hit the other ocean. I lighted up a Newport and crossed over the bridge into PA. I let out a sigh of relief and pain as I left my home state forever.
*****************************************************
Leon was packing the Skyline.
"Jess man, Hurry up, we gotta get going now"
"I'm coming, I'm coming" Jess squawked as he tripped down the front porch.
" Fast, not clumsy Dawg" Leon said laughing.
"Whatever Leon" he said, brushing himself off "Are we ready"
"Yep, I'll take first shift"
"Good, I'm going back to sleep"
They were just about to climb into the car when Dom came out of the house." Don't forget, when you get there, he has to sign for it, otherwise it wont be legit." He said handing Leon some papers," Keep your cells on at all times, Jess, you got better range, so make sure its charged, when you get to St. Louis, call me, Ill give you any other detail you need."
Before they left, he briefly embraced them both. It was the first time he was letting anyone form his team leave for so long, and so far away. Leon just smiled as he started the engine. Jesse was chomping at the bit; his excitement barely contained as he bounced in the seat.
"Ready" Leon said shifting the car in reverse and easing out of the driveway.
"Hell Yeah" Jesse said as he stuck his head out of the car to wave goodbye to Dom.
And with that, the Skyline peeled off down the street.
Destination: St. Louis.
**************************************
It was 5:30 in the morning, the dawn had just begun to break through the night shadows, and the sky was changing her hues form the black and grays of night to the softest blue. As the birds welcomed the new day, I felt anxious for the return of night. I felt safer in the shadows. When the day broke, it was much easier to spot me. The glitter in my paint job caused heads to turn on a regular day. Now that I was trying to be inconspicuous, it wasn't helping. But there was no turning back. I was already passed Pittsburgh and on my way to---Salvation, wherever that was. I didn't stop driving until noon that Friday. After twelve straight hours of driving, with Mary J. Blige's "No more drama" on repeat, I finally began to feel relief. I was exhausted and hungry, but I was free. And the taste of that freedom was so sweet that I almost cried by the time the song ended for the fifth time in a row. I found a motel off the main highway with a little diner in the front. I parked the T, and locked everything I owned in the small, dingy room. I walked up to the diner and within 20 minutes, I ordered, ate, and paid my bill. By 1 pm I was sprawled out on the bed, sleeping the day away, anticipating the night.
I heard the door slam and him cursing up the driveway. "This isn't good' I said to myself as I climbed out of bed and threw on my red silk robe before descending the stairs. ' maybe if I meet him half way I can catch him before he does any more damage;' I thought. Just as I reached the landing, the front door swung open and connected hard with the wall. I jumped at the sight of him and froze. Maybe coming down wasn't such a good idea. He stood there, panting like a wild animal. I could tell he was using because his eyes were glazed over. At first he didn't see me. I stood with my back against the wall, praying that he would go anywhere but up the steps. But no such luck. I felt his hands wrap around my neck, and my feet lift off from the floor. 'Bitch, you stupid fucking bitch' he slurred out of his mouth, I tried to fight him back, swinging, and kicking at him with all my might. But my efforts were futile. The harder I protested, the harder he would hit me, until he slammed my head into the wall. Everything went black. I woke up in a hospital, again, with tubes down my throat helping me breathe. My felt my throat, I could tell it along with my esophagus were bruised from his death grip the night before. I wasn't scared though. This has happened before. I turned my head to the door and saw him there, lurking in the doorway. "This can't go on anymore," he said, and then I saw the gun. Just as the bullet was entering my chest I sat up and screamed.
I shot up in bed and screamed, holding tight onto my chest. I looked at my shirt, for any blood, but there wasn't any. I lifted it up but there were no marks on my skin. Suddenly I realized I wasn't in the hospital. I was still in the motel room. I fell back down on to the bed with a sigh. I wiped my forehead and I realized I was dripping wet from sweat. I jumped up and took a shower, rinsing of the sweat and the nightmare.
"It's ok, it's just a dream," I told myself over and over again.
When I got out it was 7:30, the twilight had started to transform the sky into a light purple. I was ready to be back on the road. Next stop Chicago.
I left around midnight on Wednesday night, which would actually be first thing Thursday morning. A bottle of crushed xanax into the boys' chili that night, and they were passed out by 11. I didn't take much with me because I didn't want to take anything that would remind me of this hell. The only thing I took was the case, my .22 a few clothes to get me by and my T-bird. IT was the only thing Anthony had ever given me. Most of the time, he took from me. He took my innocence, my vitality, my self respect. But my T-bird, she was a present, all for me. It was an anniversary/Christmas present. IT was the only time of our relationship that I enjoyed, for about a month we were happy; that is before he settled into his old ways again. It was the only thing he ever bought for me, unless you count him footing the bill for my numerous hospital visits. She was candy apple red. I had him put the candy paint on her special. A 2002 Thunderbird Convertible Special, 20" rims, chromed out with a Bose system installed and a small sub woofer in the back, just to add the extra oomph. She was my pride and joy. All the pain, the betrayal, the lonely nights, heart wrenching days; it was all behind me now. All that was getting further and further behind me as I drove. For no particular reason I headed west. It was the furthest place from the East Coast, and I wasn't stopping till I hit the other ocean. I lighted up a Newport and crossed over the bridge into PA. I let out a sigh of relief and pain as I left my home state forever.
*****************************************************
Leon was packing the Skyline.
"Jess man, Hurry up, we gotta get going now"
"I'm coming, I'm coming" Jess squawked as he tripped down the front porch.
" Fast, not clumsy Dawg" Leon said laughing.
"Whatever Leon" he said, brushing himself off "Are we ready"
"Yep, I'll take first shift"
"Good, I'm going back to sleep"
They were just about to climb into the car when Dom came out of the house." Don't forget, when you get there, he has to sign for it, otherwise it wont be legit." He said handing Leon some papers," Keep your cells on at all times, Jess, you got better range, so make sure its charged, when you get to St. Louis, call me, Ill give you any other detail you need."
Before they left, he briefly embraced them both. It was the first time he was letting anyone form his team leave for so long, and so far away. Leon just smiled as he started the engine. Jesse was chomping at the bit; his excitement barely contained as he bounced in the seat.
"Ready" Leon said shifting the car in reverse and easing out of the driveway.
"Hell Yeah" Jesse said as he stuck his head out of the car to wave goodbye to Dom.
And with that, the Skyline peeled off down the street.
Destination: St. Louis.
**************************************
It was 5:30 in the morning, the dawn had just begun to break through the night shadows, and the sky was changing her hues form the black and grays of night to the softest blue. As the birds welcomed the new day, I felt anxious for the return of night. I felt safer in the shadows. When the day broke, it was much easier to spot me. The glitter in my paint job caused heads to turn on a regular day. Now that I was trying to be inconspicuous, it wasn't helping. But there was no turning back. I was already passed Pittsburgh and on my way to---Salvation, wherever that was. I didn't stop driving until noon that Friday. After twelve straight hours of driving, with Mary J. Blige's "No more drama" on repeat, I finally began to feel relief. I was exhausted and hungry, but I was free. And the taste of that freedom was so sweet that I almost cried by the time the song ended for the fifth time in a row. I found a motel off the main highway with a little diner in the front. I parked the T, and locked everything I owned in the small, dingy room. I walked up to the diner and within 20 minutes, I ordered, ate, and paid my bill. By 1 pm I was sprawled out on the bed, sleeping the day away, anticipating the night.
I heard the door slam and him cursing up the driveway. "This isn't good' I said to myself as I climbed out of bed and threw on my red silk robe before descending the stairs. ' maybe if I meet him half way I can catch him before he does any more damage;' I thought. Just as I reached the landing, the front door swung open and connected hard with the wall. I jumped at the sight of him and froze. Maybe coming down wasn't such a good idea. He stood there, panting like a wild animal. I could tell he was using because his eyes were glazed over. At first he didn't see me. I stood with my back against the wall, praying that he would go anywhere but up the steps. But no such luck. I felt his hands wrap around my neck, and my feet lift off from the floor. 'Bitch, you stupid fucking bitch' he slurred out of his mouth, I tried to fight him back, swinging, and kicking at him with all my might. But my efforts were futile. The harder I protested, the harder he would hit me, until he slammed my head into the wall. Everything went black. I woke up in a hospital, again, with tubes down my throat helping me breathe. My felt my throat, I could tell it along with my esophagus were bruised from his death grip the night before. I wasn't scared though. This has happened before. I turned my head to the door and saw him there, lurking in the doorway. "This can't go on anymore," he said, and then I saw the gun. Just as the bullet was entering my chest I sat up and screamed.
I shot up in bed and screamed, holding tight onto my chest. I looked at my shirt, for any blood, but there wasn't any. I lifted it up but there were no marks on my skin. Suddenly I realized I wasn't in the hospital. I was still in the motel room. I fell back down on to the bed with a sigh. I wiped my forehead and I realized I was dripping wet from sweat. I jumped up and took a shower, rinsing of the sweat and the nightmare.
"It's ok, it's just a dream," I told myself over and over again.
When I got out it was 7:30, the twilight had started to transform the sky into a light purple. I was ready to be back on the road. Next stop Chicago.