PART ONE
Longing
"Omedetou gozaimasu, minna!!!"
"Omedetou!!!" Everyone responded to Hanabishi Recca's cheers, and they all clinked glasses in sheer joy.
Everyone except Kirisawa Fuuko, who was just sitting wordlessly, staring at her plate like it held the meaning of life. And she hadn't been moving for the past half hour as practically the whole world around her was jumping for joy.
Now clearly, this caught Sakoshita Yanagi's attention, and she looked worriedly at her.
"Wahoo!!!" Hanabishi cheered on, chugging down his glass of sake like he hadn't drunk in days. Yanagi frowned and threw her spoon at him. It hit him right in the face, leaving a red streak all over it.
"Ow!" Recca frowned, rubbing his cheek. "Ne, hime, what the heck was that for?!?"
"I can't believe how slow you are!" Yanagi jerked her head towards Fuuko's direction.
Realization dawned on Hanabishi's eyes as he turned serious and put down his glass. Domon did the same. Recca leaned over to where Fuuko was sitting. "Ano…Fuuko-chan…daijoubu desu ka…?"
Silence.
"Fuuko…?"
Same thing.
"Fuuko!"
"H-huh…?" Fuuko blinked and her head snapped up to face him. "Doushite…?"
Recca shook his head. There was definitely something wrong, and it was starting to freak him out. Fuuko was not a quiet person. Usually she was spunky, energetic and loud. She was a wild gal, and usually she was always…moving. She loved to babble and chat for days and you could hear her ranting even from a thousand miles away. She couldn't stay put for two seconds and she couldn't keep quiet about something for dear life.
But now she was not moving, not speaking, and not even blinking. Heck, for a minute there he had even forgotten that she existed! She was like some sort of tree that just suddenly sprouted right there beside him in the bar.
Except that a tree actually would have had some life, he thought, shaking his head. "Fuuko-chan, you've been staring at your plate for ages! Onegai, tell us what's wrong. You haven't touched your food since we got here! I mean, look at everyone! They're all just smiling, and laughing…we all just graduated, you know! We can do whatever we want now!"
Yanagi bobbed her head in agreement. "You know you have always counted on us for the past years that we've all been friends. You can trust us to help you with whatever's bothering you! So please, Fuu-chan."
"…" Fuuko looked down again. "…daijoubu, minna…"
Domon cocked his brow. "Alright? You can't be alright, Fuuko! You haven't been yourself!"
"I know…" Fuuko admitted. "It's just…" her eyes rested on an empty chair across from her, and all of a sudden she didn't feel like she wanted to be there anymore. Tears started to well up her eyes and she immediately pushed back her chair and stood up. "Gomen…" She looked away from them before they could see her break down, and she dashed out the door, leaving her friends staring open-mouthed after her.
***
It's been a year.
Fuuko stared at herself in her bedroom mirror.
Did anything ever change…?
She glanced at her now long, purple hair, frowning.
No, I don't really think so.
One whole year.
If so, then…how did I survive…?
How did I live through every single day…for one long year…without you…?
Without the warmth of your smile…the picture of your face…the comfort of your embrace…the sweetness of your kiss…
Without hearing your voice…
Without feeling your touch…
Without your love…
To make me look forward to living each of my days…
Tokiya…
She slid her fingers down on the mirror, as hot tears started to roll down her cheek.
Tokiya…why did you ever go…?
Why did you ever leave me here…to suffer through all the sleepless nights…driving myself crazy…
To go through each day…trying my best to live my life again like I used to…going to school…seeing my friends…and then coming back home just to miss you again…and again…
Why did you have to leave all the pain here with me…? Why did you have to make me miss you…long for your touch…for your smile…your love…
She clenched her fist and closed her eyes, tears flowing endlessly from her eyes.
She had changed.
Years ago she wouldn't have found herself crying like a child. She was a strong-hearted woman; she didn't need to have any upsetting emotion ruin her day. She was a wild and crazy, happy-go-lucky gal. She didn't have room to feel sorry for herself, or for anything, for that matter. Just a smile and all her depression would be gone. She was built tough inside, and she wouldn't have cried if it were the last day of her life.
And everyone knew that. Everyone knew better than to try and mess with her. She was an independent girl. She didn't need anyone else; and nobody needed her as well. And she was satisfied with that.
But when he came into her life, her whole world changed. Her heart had softened, as she had now known and felt how it was to love—and to be loved. She thought it had felt good. She had been given a reason to get up each morning, and to look forward to each day. Love was the reason why she had become a different person.
She had become more conservative; her actions had become more feminine. Her words were now gentle, her touch softer, her laughter lovelier. She had learned to depend on another, for that someone had depended on her. She had learned to live for that man, and do what she could for him, just like he did for her.
Her heart opened up. Her emotions were clearly visible now. She had learned to spill out everything she felt to him, and feel everything for him that she hadn't felt for anyone all her life.
Loving him made her mornings brighter, the breeze cooler, her nights warmer, her life sweeter. Never had she felt this way before. Everything was in him. He had become her reason for living.
But when he left, she felt like all the sweetness in this world left with him. Everything around her crumbled.
Darkened.
Shattered.
She broke down. Her life was a wreck and she was a mess. It now seemed like all she could do was cry, every day and every night…every second of missing him so badly…every minute of regretting ever letting him go…every time of wishing like crazy that he was right there beside her…to tell her how much he loved her…give her heart back…and make her love again…
Now she would just cry like a baby…cry until her eyes fail to release any more tears…
She was ruined.
Her life was ruined.
And she had a feeling it will never be alright again.
"Damn it!!!" She hit the mirror forcefully, breaking it into pieces and sending shards to sink into her fist.
"Damn you, Tokiya!!! Why did you have to leave???" She cried out, oblivious to the blood oozing out of her hand. "I loved you…" she sobbed. "I love you, damn it!!!" she shouted again. Slowly, she slid down against the wall and fell on her knees. "I love you…so much…"
Yes, she was going crazy.
She continued sobbing, failing to stop her tears as she hugged her knees to her chest. She was scared. She was scared of being alone. She was scared of not having anyone by her side, to protect her and care for her…to embrace her and tell her everything would be okay…
Suddenly the air seemed to thicken around her, as she found it hard to breathe. The silence of her room was deafening, and every sob that came out of her lips was slowly tearing up her heart. She felt so small and empty, cuddled on a corner of her dark room, all alone.
Alone…
Alone.
And it was slowly crushing her heart, her very soul. She was dying of all the emptiness and pain in her life. And she couldn't bear it.
I was a fool to let you go, Tokiya…it was all my fault…I had been too proud to let you know that I couldn't live without you…that I'm not that strong enough…to let you walk away from me…from my life…
It's all my fault…I'm the one to blame…I'm pathetic…worthless…I didn't even come to your graduation…or see you off that day…I couldn't even tell you how much I love you before you left…
She threw the diploma in her hand across the room, sobbing even more.
I don't deserve all this…I don't deserve a party of friends to congratulate me…How could I have gone through each day…trying to act like nothing was wrong…that things are still the same…that everything is just like the way they were before…
Her eyes were tired; she was tired. Her mouth was running dry and she was tired of crying. Yet somehow, her tears couldn't stop falling. Her tears would never let her go off to be happy. She had a feeling she'd be crying, hurting, aching…for the rest of her life. And she felt even worse than she had before.
Tokiya…
She shut her eyes close, cuddling herself tighter.
…please…
…come home…