PART FIVE

Escaping the pain of truth

She had heard everything.

And everything was sinking into her skin, burying deep inside her chest, squeezing her heart. Every single word he had said, every single thing, was fast creeping into her veins like poison, making its way into her head. And the horrible truth was fast destroying her self-worth.

Tokiya didn't love her anymore.

And nothing she could do would ever bring him back to her. All the times she'd hoped that after a year, he would miss her so…that after a year, he would realize how wrong he was in letting her go…that after a year, she would be able to kiss his lips again…

And that after a year…he would still love her…with all his heart…

With all…his…heart…

Fuuko buried her face into her hands, trying to stop the watery sensation in her eyes. She sunk herself deeper into the bath tub, closing her eyes and holding her breath, wishing she could stay under water like this forever, so that she wouldn't be able to see anything…hear anything…feel anything…

With nothing else around but the deep blue of the water, she would never have to speak, she would never have to cry, she would never have to love…and she would never have to feel pain…

Why couldn't she just live her life again and start over? Why did she have to get together with him in the first place? Why did she even have to meet him? She could've just been an ordinary student…finishing college…getting a life…away from all this…why did she have to feel what she was feeling now…? Why did she have to give her whole heart and soul…her everything…just to love…and then never be loved back…?

It wasn't fair; life wasn't fair. And life was watching her spin around and around on its palm, creating her own world for her, laughing at her pain and smiling at her rejection. And just when she was about to follow one straight line on that palm, she had slipped and fallen back down again, loosing her track and ending up right back where she had started.

Story of her life.

"Frruukoh-chararn…?"

Fuuko flicked her eyes open, the deep serenity of blue clouding them. There was a knock on the bathroom door. "Ffrruukoh-chahn…?" Another knock.

She raised her head from underwater, blinking in the bright lights of the bathroom. She sighed, gasping for air. She looked at the closed door.

"Fuuko-chan? Are you still there?" There was a note of panic in Yanagi's voice. "Daijoubu desu ka…?"

"Hai." Fuuko mumbled softly. "Daijoubu."

Yanagi sighed through the door. "Wakatta. Ne, Recca-kun has invited me over at his and Domon's room to watch him play poker. I don't really understand why I have to go see him mess around with a pile of cards, demo…do you want to come…?"

Fuuko smiled. Hanabishi had obviously just wanted to see his hime-san. When you love someone, you just get this urge to see him or her. You don't need a reason for that. "Iie. I'll just…stay here. Arigatou."

"Are you sure…?" Yanagi persisted. "I mean, it's nighttime already, and…since we weren't able to go see the city this morning, I just thought…well…maybe you wanted to make up for it by, um, hanging out tonight at their room."

This morning. They weren't able to go see the city this morning. And she knew perfectly well the reason why. She sighed. "Hai, I'll be fine. Just go and enjoy yourself. Oyasumi."

"…so desu ka…well, if you change your mind, you know where to find us!" Fuuko could hear Yanagi's steps backing away. "Oyasumi!"

Fuuko sunk herself deeper into the tub again, keeping her face raised to the ceiling. This morning, she mused, staring at the lights, not seeming to notice the violet spots that were fast forming on her sight because of the brightness. This morning…

It was when her trip to China and her sleepless nights were proved useless. Her tears…the times she'd locked herself up in her room, crying…the times she'd fallen into trances and pissed off her friends because of them…the times she'd stared at his portrait…running down her fingers on his face…dropping her tears on it…her dream on the plane…wishing he'd have done the same thing when he bumped into her the night before…

Baka, her brows furrowed. Fuuko no baka…It was stupid of her to expect him to act that way. It would've made no sense if he had. He was an introvert, and he'd never in his whole life utter such cheesy words unless he was making fun of someone. Which he rarely did, because he rarely even cracked a joke. And smiling was out of the question.

It was her own fault. She was expecting the impossible. And she deserved all the disappointment and rejection she was getting.

Fuuko…no baka…how could you ever hope that Tokiya still loves you…he's managed pretty well in China for a whole year…and he doesn't need you…he doesn't need you at all… She blinked as fresh tears tried to make their way out of her eyes again. He broke up with you a year ago…and he's planning to keep it that way…look…look at how happy…he is…without…you… At last, the tears triumphed. They were now freely trickling down her cheeks. Stop chasing him, Fuuko…he doesn't love you anymore…so don't hope…don't wish…don't…spoil his day…let him…be…let him…go…

An uncontrolled sob made its way out of her mouth, and then another one…and another one. She couldn't hold it back. Everything that was locked up in her chest was slowly coming out. She couldn't stand the pain…but she couldn't do anything to ease it…

Her hand flew to cover her eyes, and she felt the cold steel of her chain bracelet touch her face. She opened her eyes to look at it, and remembered him even more. She'd given him the same bracelet long ago…when they were still…together…they had promised each other to keep it with them always…to never forget the times they've shared…

But promises were meant to be broken.

Tokiya…she looked at the bracelet with her blurred eyesight, the tears still falling. Wherever you are…I'm sorry…that I kept the promise…she covered her eyes with her hands again as she started to break down.

I'm sorry…

***

Damn it, Tokiya splashed some cold water on his face as he leaned against the sink, gripping the faucet tightly with his other hand. His chain necklace dangled a few inches away from his bare chest, as he shut off the water and kept his eyes closed, letting the water drip from his face. He slowly raised his head and opened his eyes to look at himself in the mirror, and he frowned. He looked past the open bathroom door to the wall clock near his bed and frowned even more.

10:30 pm.

He cursed and walked out of the bathroom, flopping on the edge of his bed, his elbows on his knees, burying his face into his hands. He'd decided to hit the sack earlier than usual at 8:00 that night, but the same damn dream kept waking him up every thirty minutes. He'd already had the dream for five darn times. He would wake up sitting bolt upright in his bed, cold sweat trickling down his temple, and then her face would be the first thing to pop into his mind.

Kirisawa Fuuko.

He sighed. Why on earth had they decided to follow him here in Beijing? Why couldn't they have stayed put in Tokyo? Why had he needed to see her again?

Why? After one whole year?

His mind immediately went back to the events that had happened that morning. He'd gotten up, thought that he'd bumped into Fuuko on the street only in his dream, did what he was supposed to do, and then got outside. And there were all of his friends. Out of Tokyo. In Beijing. In the flesh. All staring at him as he stared back at them. What the heck had they been thinking? It was just like getting up one morning and his whole world falls apart first thing. Couldn't they see that he just wasn't ready to see them yet…?

Kuso…

It wasn't true. He was lying to himself, and he knew pretty well why.

He'd told everyone back then that he had wanted to go to China to fulfill his sister's promise. To go see the Great Wall. To make his sister happy that he'd finally done it for himself.

But that wasn't the only reason. He had wanted to go to China mainly because he wanted to get away from himself. From his life, his past. He wanted some time to breathe…to get away from it all.

His life was a mess. He'd spent his whole damn life trying to avenge his sister's death…trained the hardest he could…fought every opponent he had to face…joined the Hanabishi team…won the Urubatusatsoujin…found out his sister's murderer. The one person he'd sworn to kill. The one person he'd sworn to use up his life on.

It was his own teacher.

The truth struck him like a bolt of lightning. It was horrible…painful…agonizing. To spend half his life training under the person he was training to commit murder on. And worse, not even knowing it until it was too late. He'd done his teacher's wishes; he'd enhanced his skills. He had done his bidding, was run by him like a little pawn. He'd made him satisfied. It was a nightmare.

He couldn't have imagined how he'd managed to continue living after the tournament. Finishing high school…graduating college…and before all that, falling for someone.

Falling in love.

To fall for his old teammate…his old friend…a friend he used to pour out his coldness to just like everyone else. A friend he used to be irritated with, a friend he used to ignore. A friend he used to shun out of his life.

He hated socializing. He hated too many people. He hated doing anything with others unless it had something to do with fighting. He hated his emotions, and sometimes even had to wonder why he was even given them. He surely hadn't needed it since his sister's loss. He was never the type to express his emotions even if he needed to. He'd keep them all locked up inside and try to drown them all out himself. It was never in his nature to utter a word of thanks, a word of apology, a word of comfort, a word of affection. He'd keep his face as expressionless as possible, and he'd shut out any feelings in his eyes so that no one would be able to read his thoughts. The world could collapse around him for all he cared; he'd even just close his eyes to everything if he could.

But the worst thing just crept up from behind him unnoticed. Through his veins, up his chest, into his heart.

Love. And he'd shown it more than any other emotion he could've shown. He'd become someone's koibito, saying words of affection and showing actions of care. He had thought his life was renewed; he was reborn. It was beginning to change him. Chuck out the loneliness and bitterness inside him. Drown his sorrow with someone else.

But he was wrong.

Something happened again, another consequence because of all the emotions he'd let out. A student had died. A lady whose anger had risen because of his love for Fuuko, not for her. Fuuko had been captivated, and almost faced death itself, had Tokiya not saved her. He had fought to the death, trying to protect his loved one. Trying to keep Fuuko safe, making sure she was alright, not caring if he'd die.

And he won. He had killed the lady. But it was the same thing all over again. He'd shown too many emotions; he'd enhanced his strength, he'd been motivated. But with the consequence of another death. Just like before. When he was seven years old…too young…to…understand…

It was enough to make him go crazy. He'd finally realized then that he wasn't allowed to love. He wasn't allowed any more feelings. His emotions were to stop when his sister passed away. He wasn't supposed to love anymore, because every time he would, something would go wrong.

And so he left. To escape…to escape himself. To try to live again. To relieve of everything that has happened in his life. It was working. Until the night before.

He had bumped into Fuuko. And everything went down the drain. All his hard work…all the times when he tried so hard to forget…and start again…

It was like having everything he had been running away from hit him right in the face. Like it was too simple. Like it was something he could just forget and get over with. Like he could just say, "Oh. You're here again. Okay."

So how was he supposed to react then? When he was a mixture of confusion, annoyance, and surprise?

What else but to be his usual, cold self? It had always worked for him. He'd gotten through his life by snapping, glaring, shielding his emotions and being the biggest loner he could be. So what was wrong in being himself?

Yes, something was wrong. He'd snapped at Fuuko, and had even snapped at Yanagi-san, and made her cry. He didn't even have the guts to mutter a small sorry.

Tokiya shifted in his position and felt his bracelet touch his cheek. He looked at it and cringed. Her bracelet…our bracelet…our promise…

Kuso…He'd broken their promise. He'd broken their promise to keep each other's memories forever. Because he didn't want to keep her memories. He wanted to forget her. All about her, and every single moment they have shared. He'd broken their promise on purpose.

All because he was afraid.

Yes, he was afraid of it. He was afraid to love again. Never did he want to experience the same pain, the same consequences, the same broken heart. It wasn't worth it. He was better off alone, living his own hell. Living his so-called life that he had built with bitterness and sorrow. He didn't have room for love. He was afraid of loving. That was why he was running away from her…afraid to look into her tantalizing eyes and get lost…to smell her sweet scent…to touch her delicate skin…to kiss her soft cherry lips…to catch a glimpse of her divine body…to hear her heavenly voice…to feel the steady beat of her heart against his…

…and fall all over again…

But then, he had seen her, talked to her, seen her smile, heard her chuckle. And he realized something.

He wasn't falling in love. He was over her, at last, for a long time, finally. He didn't love her like that anymore.

But if that's the case…his brows furrowed, as he looked out the window at the moonlight that was giving his dark room some shine. Then why the heck can't I get some damn peace of mind?!?

He shook his head and picked up a shirt that was scattered on the floor. He pulled it over his head and grabbed the keys from his bedside table.

Yep, he definitely needed to get some fresh air.