"One Last Roll of a Loaded Dice" by Luke's Dragon

Part IV 'When my Courage Fails and Friendship Dies'

Disclaimer

As I said in the past three parts I don't own it. *Sigh*

Author Notes

It's strange really, I'm writing this, so you'd think that I could choose what happens, right? Wrong, when I started this it was going to be Matt and Kari splitting up then getting back together, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen, so I'm a little stuck for pairings, perhaps I shouldn't have killed TK off so if anyone has any preferences, or suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them…Anyway this chapter is from Tai's POV. The next one is going to be TK's view if only I could be struck with some inspiration, or be able to settle on my pairs then things would go so much quicker.

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Tai sat down at his desk, he didn't know what to do with his time, he had been planning to go over and see how Kari was settling into her new place, but she'd gone out somewhere, so now he was stuck for ideas. Turning on his radio he heard a voice he'd know a long time ago singing at him. As the track ended the D.J was excitedly telling the world that song had been the new one from the 'Teenage Wolves' and how it was the best song the D.J had ever heard. Tai sighed to himself, although it had been almost five years since he had spoken to Matt it still felt exactly the same hearing him sing as it had done back then. The radio was now on about some competition to win the 'Teenage Wolves' latest album, all you had to do was write a letter asking the band some questions, and the best ones would get free albums. Smiling a smile with absolutely no humor in it Tai picked up a pen and started to write, he had some questions to ask Matt, 'although' he thought to himself 'I don't really want to win'.

Dear Matt, I have some questions for you I've had questions ever since you just upped and left without a word. I often wondered if you ran away because of Kari or me or just because you wanted to follow some dream. I can't blame you if it was to become some mega-star but I don't think that's the case at all, I think you ran because you were scared. That's right you were scared of being without Kari, or perhaps you were scared of being with her I don't know which it was but I think it was the later, that'd be just like you wouldn't it?

Perhaps I'm angrier with myself than with you, I thought I knew you, I thought that it would be great if you were with Kari, that you'd never hurt her, I thought that crest of friendship meant something. I was wrong about that, and about me too, I always thought I had courage to face whatever life might throw at me, now I'm not sure I can anymore. I feel as though I let Kari down, I feel as though I should have talked to you before you left, but I just couldn't find the words. I wonder did you steal my courage that night you stole Kari's heart?

Everything seemed to change on that night, first of all you got really distant, although I know now it was so I didn't find out about you. But, at the time I thought that I was loosing you, I didn't want too loose you, I always believed in you and me as the greatest friendship ever. Was I wrong Matt? Were we really that good together, if we were how did we let it slip away from us? Do you remember we once both promised Kari we'd fight for her no matter what, when it came down to it though, neither of us did, just one more damn promise neither of us could keep, we've had a few of them haven't we Matt?

We once promised to always be friends, but that didn't work out either, the day you thought you couldn't tell me about you and Kari something died, maybe it was too much to hope that our childhood friendship could last forever, but… But I used to always think that no matter what happened, I'd always believe in you, and the saddest thing is I still do. How stupid is that, after everything you've done, you hurt my friends, you broke my sister's heart, and despite it all, I still believe in you. Pathetic, maybe I should have had your crest of friendship, seems it's me not you who deserves it.

Still though, I can't stay mad at you, I used all my anger up along time ago, now there's just hurt and pain. Strange to think but I doubt you'd recognize me if you saw me now, I always used to be so brave, I always thought I was unafraid of making mistakes, It's not true anymore though. I'm afraid of making the mistake of falling in love with the wrong person…like you, perhaps that's why me and Sora ended up splitting up, I was always worried that I might end up like you. Do you remember how I used to always rush in headlong, and how much you and Sora used to despair, you always thought I'd end up doing something stupid and end up hurting everyone, in the end though, it was you who did that.

I'm not talking about Kari now, it's your love life, and after all it was so long ago…What I'm talking about is TK, do you remember him Matt? Your brother, the one you claimed to care about, the one who died, the one who you didn't even say goodbye to? I went to his funeral, there was just me and Davis there for him, where were you Matt? No, I know the answer, I saw it on the news that night, and you were on a chat show, promoting your new album. Damn you Matt, it's good to see you've got your priorities right. You always do what ever you damn well please, and let everybody else deal with the consequences, people always said I was the impulsive one, but it's you isn't it?

And I promised myself that I wouldn't hate you, just one more promise I couldn't keep, there seem to be so many of those lately. It's just so sad that everything went wrong, sometimes I want to kill you for everything you've done. Then other times, I just wish we had one last chance, I'd try and make things right for all of us, then maybe you and Kari would still be together, TK would still be alive, and I'd still have my best friend there for me. I'd change things, I'd fight for what I believed in, as opposed to just letting you go, it wasn't a case of pushing you away, I just . . . didn't pull you back.

There are times when I can't be strong, for Kari and for me, sometimes I feel disappointed in myself, I was the leader and I let us all fall apart, but the one thing that keeps me trying is that I have you. Or I had once upon a long time ago, perhaps I should have took our friendship a bit more seriously. Now everything I valued seems to have gone, and maybe it's as much my fault as it is yours. I used to think you betrayed me, but I guess I betrayed you too

So, I only have one last question Matt, why? Why did you leave her, I always thought that you of all people wouldn't let the one you love slip away. I wonder if I ever really knew you at all, I hope I did for me and Kari, I hope you're still the same guy who used to be my inspiration.

What was the use? He was never going to send this letter, hell he didn't even know where Matt was now, sad to think that two people once so close could end up like this, so much less than friends could. Tai screwed up the paper and kicked it accurately into his bin along with several other letters he would never get around to sending.