PART TEN

The perfect heartache

"Oh my god, I'm so going to die."

"You're not the only one, Fuu-chan…"

"Oh sh*t, I'm not wearing anything but my underwear!" Recca cursed out loud and tried to stand up…but to no avail.

"Well, it was Domon's idea to play Strip Poker, anyway," Fuuko shut her eyes and groaned. "But it's your fault you were so bad at it."

"Strip Poker? We played Strip Poker???" Yanagi's eyes widened. "Iie!!!" She balanced herself on the edge of the bed and tried to walk towards the bathroom, but tripped over a passed out Domon in his shorts.

"H-hime-san!" Recca crawled to where she had fallen face-flat on the carpet.

Fuuko groaned again as another shot of dizziness made its way to her temples, but she shook her head and tried to stand. She wobbled in her place for a few minutes, but she got the hang of it then. At least she was still thinking straight.

A bit.

The first thing that popped into her mind when she got her consciousness back was Tokiya. And he wasn't anywhere in the room. Then she caught sight of him, sitting on one of the chairs outside in the balcony, his back to her. Slowly, she crept up behind him, but as soon as she got nearer, she noticed that he had fallen asleep. One arm was crossed, an elbow propped on it, and his head was resting on his hand.

Fuuko grinned. She had always wanted to catch Tokiya off-guard for once in his life, and now was the perfect time. She crouched in front of him, slowly leaned closer, raised her hand…moved it towards his ear…ready to flick at any second…until—

"Not a chance."

"Aaagh!!!" Fuuko jerked a hundred miles away from him, stumbling down. He was awake???

Tokiya raised his head and smirked at her. "The only time you'd make me lose my guard is when I collapse from one of my battles. Which rarely ever happens, so…" He shifted in his position. "I suggest you drop it."

Fuuko grinned again. "Yeah? Well, it happened just last year when…" she trailed off.

"…forget it." Tokiya cleared his throat. She could've sworn she saw him wince…but then again…

Fuuko shook her head again and straightened up. She beamed at him. "So, what have you been up to the whole night? Don't tell me you were just out here…?"

"I was. That's not your concern." He looked at her up and down, like a surveillance camera or something. "But I can tell you guys weren't just drinking the whole night."

Fuuko blushed like crazy. She had forgotten that she was almost not wearing anything if it weren't for the robe she'd put on to keep herself covered. "Uh…we were playing Strip Poker. Since none of us really had any extra money left from our shopping to make bets, we decided that whoever loses should take off a piece of his garments," she smiled sheepishly. "I guess you can tell I'm not very good at poker, huh?"

"I'll say."

Fuuko opened her mouth to say something more, but just then Recca emerged from the room and approached them both. "Say, Fuuko, do you mind if I have a few words with Mikagami?"

"Uh…"

"It won't take long, I promise. Just a few words and you can have him all to yourself," Recca winked.

Fuuko blushed again. "That's not what I—"

"Listen, why don't you get us something to drink, okay?" Recca grinned at her. Fuuko frowned and stalked off, mumbling something about "errand girl".

"Great," Recca sat across Tokiya. "Can I ask you something…?"

Tokiya frowned. "It's not like I have a choice."

Recca leaned closer. "Look. As you may already know, the guys and I played a little bit of Strip Poker—"

"You call that a little bit?"

"—and right now Hime-san just passed out. I've laid her on her bed, and heck is she hot! Domon's out cold and won't be up 'til tomorrow, and I'm sure you and Fuuko have to get busy, too, so I'm just asking how I'd—"

"Damn, I never thought you'd sink this low," Tokiya cut in, narrowing his eyes at him. "Didn't I make it clear to you all these years that if you lay a single finger on Yanagi-san—"

"No, no, you don't understand; I just want to—"

"—take advantage of her."

"No, it's not like that," Recca started to frown. "It's completely different if the girl doesn't like you at all! I mean, we're practically engaged now!"

"Still, that doesn't give you the damn right to have sex with a girl when she's drunk!"

"Oh, and you're so good at not doing that, huh?" Recca snapped back.

Tokiya's eyes flared. "Don't you dare go into that."

"Wasn't it the same thing when you doused Fuuko with sake that night?"

Tokiya kept silent, and Recca flashed him a triumphant grin.

"Self-disciplined Mikagami who always knew what was morally correct and decently proper…" he went on sarcastically, making Tokiya clench his teeth.  "Who would've thought that such an honest and trustworthy guy like that could actually force a woman to bed?"

"Shut up."

"Oh, do we detect a guilty conscience?" Recca cocked his eyebrow. "Mr. Perfect is too good to lecture me on how wrong it is to sleep with a girl, but is too ashamed to admit that he himself slept with one? Who was unconscious?"

"I didn't sleep with her," Tokiya's eyes flicked towards him.

"Right. We all know you didn't just sleep with her!" Recca stood up to glare at him. "You had sex with her that very night!"

Tokiya stood up to face him. "I did not have sex with her!"

"Oh, sure, tell that to the world when they're not using their brains anymore," Recca waved his hand angrily. "The truth is you practically raped her and you know it!"

"I did not rape the damn wind goddess!" Tokiya glared Hanabishi right in the eye. "Let me give you your damn truth, Hanabishi. Heck, I don't love her anymore; don't you get it? She's a tomboy who doesn't have enough guts to face even a single knack of her feminine side! She can't even wear a decent dress if her life depended on it! Happy now?"

"Oh, can't I?"

Tokiya stopped short, and Recca dropped his glare. That was—

"Well, sorry," Fuuko said, her fist clenched and her lips quivering. "I'm sorry if I was born and grown that way. I'm sorry if I hang out with guys because no girl ever wants to be with someone so rough," she swallowed heavily. "I'm sorry if I was never the first one to know about the newest fashion, or—or the newest clothes, or the newest pop s-star, or the newest hottie in town…I'm sorry if I wasn't perfect…" she trailed off, trying desperately to hold back a sob and to blink away the watery sensation in her eyes. "…and I'm sorry if…if I wasn't good enough for you…"

"…" Tokiya looked away with the same expression he always wore on his face, but this made it harder for Fuuko to take.

"And you know what…?" Fuuko continued, finding it harder and harder to keep her tears and her anger to herself. "The least you could do…was at least…try to respect…all these years that I've tried…so hard…to be enough for you…" she trailed off again. "But then again…you never really did care for anyone else but yourself…" and at last, a single tear fought its way down her cheek. "So I'm sorry if…you didn't see…how I tried to be perfect…for you…" More tears began to flow from her eyes, and she dropped the two cans of Sprite in her hand down the floor with a rattle.

Her hands flew to her eyes and she turned around, leaving Tokiya with the same sinking feeling in his stomach he had whenever he'd hear her voice.

Only now, it felt like it was sinking much, much deeper.

***

Everything else seemed to go by in a blur after that night. The next thing I knew was that it was morning already and we were packing up…and back here at the apartment. It has been five days since we arrived here in China, and just last night all my efforts have been officially dumped down the drain.

I pretty much just collapsed into the bed that I shared with Yanagi after we got back, and has been here ever since. I missed breakfast…I missed lunch…now it's 4:00 pm and I haven't done anything but to lay down, stare at the ceiling, and switch the channels on the television I'm not watching. Hanabishi, Yanagi and Domon have been out for an hour now since they gave up on trying to cheer me up. I don't really give a damn wherever they are right now; they could be back in Japan for all I care. Right now I don't even have a clue whatever it is I'm doing. I'm tired of being alone, but there's no one else to be with. I'm tired of hurting myself, but torture's the only emotion left for me to feel, anyway. I'm tired of thinking, but there's nothing else left to do but to keep on remembering that Mi-chan doesn't love me anymore, and that I should give up on trying to force myself into his life. Because with the way he talked last night, it sure seemed like he would be really grateful if he were to forget that I actually existed. It's funny, though…I've never been more hurt in my life, but my heart doesn't feel like it's being crushed or anything like before…actually, it doesn't feel like anything anymore…

Oh, Yanagi's back. I wonder what's up with her. She's frowning like it was the end of the world.

"That's it; it's true," Yanagi sank down the bed beside me, pouting. I merely looked at her.

"I've confirmed that Recca-kun is interested in that Californian shop girl in the store down the street. Mei Ling," she cried out exasperatedly.

I cocked my eyebrows.

"Yes, it's true!" she cried again, burying her face into her pillow. "All this time that we were going out the streets of China, and he's been trying to find some lame excuse just to sneak out and talk to her! Like that time when he said he'd buy some chips…turns out he was talking to her for thirty minutes and he came out without a single bag of chips! And just a while ago he ditched me again! Just when I thought this trip would have a happy ending! I hate his guts!!!" Yanagi shouted angrily and pulled the covers above her, completely hiding underneath them. I can hear her muffled sobs beneath the covers.

It looks like I'm not the only one who just got smacked in the face. But at least she still has some tears left to shed, some anger left to show, some hurt left to pour out.

I, on the other hand, am feeling like everything was just sucked out of me. I feel so drained…so passive…so…

Empty.

I don't even want to think of a reaction to all this anymore; I'm so sick and tired of getting hurt and I'm damn tired of trying to make things better when they never really will get better in the end.

And this hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach feels so much better than the piercing and shattering pain at the bottom of my heart before.

Perhaps…it's good to get hurt all the time…because then you wouldn't have to feel anything anymore once you get used to it…

Oh great, I just dropped a tear on one of the pages. Oh…wait…there's more…

Yet still…

I'm laughing…