"One Last Roll of a Loaded Dice" By Luke's Dragon

Part VI - With Loaded Dice it's Never Hopeless

Disclaimer

L *Sob, sob* it's not mine, still I can go on hoping

Author Notes

Okay I've got a little lost so far and feel I've been a little harsh on Kari and Matt but it'll all make sense soon. (I hope…) the next few chapters are going to try and bring everything to a happy conclusion, the only slight problem is I'm not usually too keen on happy endings, but I've been in a cheerful mood lately since I've finished university for the summer (apart from stupid exams).

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As the encore finished the noise in the arena reached almost deafening volume the band left the stage, but despite the fact thousands of people were screaming his name Yamato Ishida was not a happy soul. But then again he was never a happy soul the whole image of the band was modeled around an angsty front, and a permanently depressed lead singer. Even if he had wanted to, being cheerful was not a real option, his manager had given him instructions to act as dark as possible, something about 'image rights' or something.

Recently he had grown to hate this situation, once a long time ago it had been him and four friends playing to a 'select' audience, then they had made it into the big time and their record label had appointed a new manager for the band. True they had had success, but at the cost of everything that had once made them themselves. Matt sighed at the memory of the amount of times he had threatened to quit, but there were contracts and 'legal issues' and he had been told that these things were too much for him to fight. Just like back then, I was afraid to fight for Kari, and ever since, I've been afraid to fight, I just let myself be carried along by everyone else's wishes. I wonder what happened to that kid who always used to stand up for his beliefs and dreams? No, I remember I lost him the day I said goodbye to my friends.

No I didn't even say goodbye, I left Tai without a word, and I left a note for TK. A note! How stupid and insensitive can I be? No that was a rhetorical question, I already know the answer, and man I really messed up on this one.

Yamato left the band's dressing room without a word, no one thought anything of this, since Yamato never said very much anyway because of the image rights, or something.

He walked silently through streets that he had used to know, there was something about being back in his own hometown that brought back so many memories. Memories of him and TK as little kids playing together, of the time Digimon came into the real world and he and his friends fought and defeated them together. Then there were memories of him and Tai, 'best friends forever' growing up, days he had once thought would never end. Then there were memories of her ones that kept him up most nights, ones that inspired him to write his most depressing songs, ones that he prized above all else. Kari! Why did everywhere he went, everything he looked at, everything he did, why did everything always remind him of her? Why, because I haven't got over her yet, and I don't think I ever will. The amount of times he had wanted to call her, or write to her, anything just to have some contact with her again. Not just to get her back, although that would be great, but if she didn't care bout him anymore, then perhaps he could move on. Or perhaps I couldn't, five years and I still love her, I don't think anything could stop me now. Not even you TK. And I know you'll never believe me, but I never meant to hurt you, and I should have been there for you, I was just scared, scared of seeing her. I know that's a lousy reason, but that's just how I am, an idiot who never knows what's important, until it's far too late

It had always played on his mind that he had not been at TK's funeral, but even if he had not been scared of seeing Kari, he wouldn't have been allowed. He had 'responsibilities' to the band, and couldn't just go off on 'personal' trips. Or at least that's what his manager had said. That had been three years ago, and ever since his relationship with his manager and the band had gone down hill. Now he only turned up out of a lack of choice, and even now he would have quit on the spot, in only he could find the courage. That was why he was headed for the graveyard, to find his little brother, the one that had always been there for him. I know I don't deserve this, but please be there for me one last time TK.

It was the first time that he had been to the grave of his brother, the rain of the afternoon gave the place a clean, crisp smell but couldn't erase the sadness of the place. As Yamato wandered onward he wished deep in his heart that he could have changed things. He wished that he could have said goodbye to TK properly, rather than just leaving him a letter, but if he had he was certain that his brother would have cried, And that would have made him want to stay. Would that have been so bad though? If I'd have stayed I would have had a chance to mend things with Kari, and maybe I could have stopped you from dying. Even if I couldn't I'd have liked to say goodbye. As the rain started falling again, he arrived and immediately noticed a fresh bouquet of flowers, and three sets of goggles laid out by the headstone. Yamato wondered why they would be there, but he'd lost touch with everyone, so there was no way he could attempt to understand why any of them did anything any longer. Once again he wanted so much to change things, to still be friends with everyone to know why they did the quirky things they did. He knelt down on the wet grass and let his memories run away with him, thinking of all the good times they had been through. And now he was all alone, even his brother had hurt him, and then left him. No, I can't think like that, it was me who hurt him, and me who left him behind. None of this is your fault; it's all because of me. I'm so sorry TK; I should have never left you. For the first time that he could recall, Yamato Ishida could not hold his feelings inside. He broke down in tears, the first time he had cried since he and Kari split. He cried tears for his friends, for Tai and all the things they had never done, for TK and all the words he had wanted to say, he pounded the damp earth at the unfair world that had taken his brother from him. He buried his head in his hands cursing the fact that he had let everything go o badly wrong, his inability to tell people how he was feeling, and the way he had broken so many promises to his friends. He hated the way he had become little more than a puppet, a tool for making money. Maybe I can't change the past, but I can change the future, tomorrow I'm quitting the band and to hell with the consequences. And maybe if I feel really brave I might look Tai up, and tell him I'm sorry. He'd probably try and kill me, but I deserve it, and I wouldn't mind it'd be just like the old days. I'd give everything I have just for one last chance, TK I might not be able to say sorry to you, but I promise you I will make it up to everyone else. I won't let this carry on; I don't want to hurt anyone else the way I hurt you.

Friends were one thing, and although, he might be able to find the courage to talk to Tai, Kari was a very different issue. He wanted to see her again, he wanted to tell her that he had never stopped loving her, that even after everything he had been through he still though that the best times in his life had been spent with her. But what if she didn't feel the same, if she didn't want to see him, if she had found someone else…He didn't want to think about it, if he didn't try he wouldn't get hurt. Hasn't worked so far has it? I got hurt when I didn't try last time. What would you do if you were here TK, would you go up to the one you love and tell them how you feel? Hell I'm staring to sound like one of my own songs. But I have to try; I have to do something to stop myself seeing her every time I close my eyes. He could hear someone approaching, so he stood up and wiped his eyes, whatever else he'd lost he wasn't about to lose his dignity by letting anyone see him cry. I'm leaving anyway; I know what I have to do now TK, thank you. I just wish I could have been there for you when you needed me too. He turned around and nearly knocked into the young woman who he had heard walking up the gravel pathway, but that wasn't the most surprising thing, that was reserved for her eyes. They were a chocolate brown and seemed to sparkle with an inner light, that reminded him so much of someone he used to know. Mumbling an apology for walking into her he turned and started to walk away, but he froze in his tracks when the woman called his name.

"Matt, is that really you?"

The End.

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The Hell it is

…T.b.c.