"One Last Roll of a Loaded Dice" by Luke's Dragon
Chapter VII Without You
A/n
I'd almost forgotten about this fic until I got a review, which reminded me I had left more than a few loose ends to tie up. So we plunge onwards with another songfic chapter, set to Queen and "Who wants to live forever?"
Cue the angst as Davis tries to deal with loosing TK
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Three years, five months, ten days and just over three hours. That was how long it had been since Davis had been truly happy. It was of course the exact amount of time that he had been alone in the world, the exact amount of time he had been without Takeru.
And I never even told him how I felt! I was always too afraid that I'd end up wrecking the best thing in my life. Now look at me, just walking alone in the fog trying to find something. I don't even know what it is I want. Is it some sort of closure, a resolution, forgiveness for never telling him, for not helping him out? If…if only I'd have gone with him maybe he might still be here maybe one way or another we'd still be together. Sometimes it really is so hard to carry on living without him.
Walking on Davis didn't notice or care as minutes turned into hours, the gloom of the day into the added gloom of night. Hours turn into days, days into months and it all just blurred into one. Every day just like last, cold dark and lonely with nothing left but memories of a better time so many years ago. Sometimes he felt like an old man with all the pain he had seen in his life.
# There's no time for us there's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us?
Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever? Who? #
If he had been given the chance he would have spent forever with TK, or at least now he would have. Back then he had been frightened, understandable really… well maybe… at least perhaps it had been. Whatever, if he could just turn back time there would be so much he'd do differently. Number one would have told TK just how much he cared about… No scratch that how much he loved him. Number two would be that he would hunt down Matt and give him a bloody nose.
Days turn to weeks, weeks into years and nothing ever changes. Things don't get easier, you don't get over the pain, maybe it hurts a little less, but not much. You don't ever get over it, because it was, no is someone who you care about.
Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to but that's not likely, I haven't spoken to many of the others for years now, except Tai and maybe it's harsh on him, because he has been good to me, but I don't want to talk to him about this. I don't want to talk to anyone apart from TK about this. And that's as sure as Hell not going to ever happen again.
# There's no chance for us, it's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us
Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever? Who? #
Destiny? Is it my destiny to feel like this? Is this some grand plan that I should be alone and without him? This can't be true, I don't believe in destiny, I don't believe TK was supposed to die that day. If someone up there made that happen then Damn it I don't want to believe in them. Takeru... why did you have to leave me?
Destiny was always something he had been aware of; after all he was a (former) digi-destined. As though this was something that was supposed to be. Had it been inevitable that things would turn out like this, Matt tearing them all apart, TK dying Davis being left here to try and carry on?
He hadn't really 'carried on' more just been carried along, days turn to years and nothing ever changes. It doesn't get easier, scars don't heal, and hearts don't un-break. Years turn to forever and sometimes when you least want it to forever lasts forever.
# Who dares to love forever? Oh! And love must die
But touch my tears with your lips; touch my world with your fingertips,
And we can have forever and we can love forever, forever is our today #
In his dreams he could still see TK, smiling, always smiling and full of the hope that had always made him who he was. Sometimes Davis felt like TK was the only one who had deserved his crest. God knows both him and Tai were guilty or a major lack of courage, Tai for never following through on his hearts desires, something that he and Davis shared, courage perhaps only extended to charging in headlong, not telling people important things. "I love you" three little words and maybe it was a horrible cliché but damn it they really were hard to say.
But it was his own lack of courage that fateful day that really hurt, the fact that while TK ran into a burning building, quite literally into Hell, he stood outside paralyzed by fear. A lack of courage and a lack of friendship, what sort of friend, let alone lover would let the person that they loved and admired more than anything else in the world go through that. To die in their arms without ever being able to say what he really felt. Was that Matt's legacy to him?
Was it my fault? Should I have gone with him? Would it really have been the worst thing in the world if I had died with him? Is it that wrong to want to be with him even now? I dream of him sometimes and he's always happy, always telling me not to worry, to move on with my life and to fall in love again… Again? I wonder if that means he knew I was in love with him, or if it's just screwed up wishful thinking on my part. Screwed up in the head is right. I can't move on, and even if I could would I really want to? Am I really ready to forget about him and move on?
Days turn into nights, sleep turns into dreams and dreams turn into another day, another month goes by. What dreams never seemed to turn into was reality.
# Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever? Who?
Forever is our today, who waits forever anyway? #
Would it be so wrong to find someone new? To take a chance once in a while and have… Courage? But then he'd be in the same situation as before, wanting to make a move, pour out his bleeding heart and take a risk. Or just stand, paralyzed by fear as something wonderful moved away from him forever. Once again he would blow a great chance for happiness because of his own stupid fears.
You live and learn, or at least you live, but I can't seem to learn my lessons. What would TK think if he saw me now, he'd laugh at me I suppose for being such a coward. And then I'd feel alright again because he could always make me feel alright. Now, short of the unthinkable there's no way I can ever have that back again… At least not with TK…
Years turn into forever, forever alone seems like longer, but forever doesn't last. Forever shatters and you have to pick up the pieces one by one, taking each minute one at a time. Minutes turn into hours and it goes on… It doesn't stop hurting, some scars never heal but you have to carry on. There's just nothing else to do, because you can't hurt forever, there isn't a forever anyway. If there was, he wouldn't have said goodbye.
If we could have forever I'd take it like a shot, whatever the price I'd be happy to pay it. But it doesn't even have to be forever, even the briefest of minutes to tell him how I felt would do for me. Because if there's one thing I know it's that even minutes can seem like forever with or without someone you love.