PART FIFTEEN

Until I find you again

He took another chug of sake, leaning his head back onto the soft mattress of his bed. He was sitting on the floor of his messy room against his bed, one knee up and one arm propped on it. The other arm was dropped carelessly on the floor, clutching an almost empty bottle of sake. He knew he wasn't the type to drink, but what the heck. He didn't have a single problem on handling alcoholic beverages anyway.

And besides, there wasn't anything much left to do.

She was the most amazing woman he had ever met…the only one who could make him smile…the only one who could possibly take the place of his sister in his life…

And he let her go.

She was his to make, but he let her go. She was right there in front of his face, all along…and he was too damn stubborn and too damn stupid enough to not realize how much she meant to him…how much he needed her…and how much he loved her.

She really was the first woman who made him smile after his sister's death…she was the only one who wasn't bothered by his coldness…who would always greet his moody days with a big smile plastered on her face. She was always jumpy and enthusiastic despite all her troubled times…and all his troubled times. Some may think of this as a sort of insensitiveness to the feelings of others, but he, somehow, found this interesting. Truly, it was effective in helping light up his darkened days, and sometimes it even became a little too effective. It would make him smile in spite of himself. Her cheerfulness was very contagious, indeed.

And most of all, she was the only one who ever really understood his bitterness. She understood him whenever he was upset, or whenever he was especially grumpy, or whenever he was mean to everyone. She fully understood his situation, and her place in his life. She knew when to say what, and she was used to his attitude so much that she even knew the specific sequence of his mood swings. She completely understood what it was like to be in his shoes. She might not have noticed it, but he sure did.

And he appreciated it all…but then he never really got around to showing her how much he did.

He appreciated how she would grab his arm too tightly at school every day whenever she needed something…how she would place her hands behind her head and give him a sideways glance just to call him Freezer Boy…how she would jump around all hyper and scream 'yatta' whenever he'd agree to help her out with her homework…how she used to visit the Koneko No Sumu Ie just to see him back then…how she persuaded him to accompany her home all the time…how she attracted him with her glowing happiness…how she charmed him with her warm smile…how she captured his heart with her sweet kiss…and how she made him fall so hard there was no other way but to give in…

It was always Fuuko. Fuuko stopped him from fighting all the time; Fuuko made him realize that living his life on revenge wasn't what Mifuyu would want; Fuuko broke the barrier to his heart and opened up his eyes to the more beautiful aspects of this world; Fuuko taught him to appreciate whatever it was that he had; Fuuko taught him the real reason for living; Fuuko made him realize that he needed someone to love all along…and someone to love him back…; Fuuko taught him that there was more to life than bitterness and hatred; Fuuko gave him the courage not to run from his past but to face it; Fuuko guided him not to brood over yesterday but to move on to tomorrow… 

Fuuko…Fuuko…Fuuko…

He tossed the bottle on the floor, sending it rattling across his room. He dropped his head into his hands, every memory of her playing over and over again. He loved her so much…and missing her was even worse. What he would give just to turn back the time and change all the mistakes he made…apologize for always hurting her…and start all over…

"Damn, I love you, Fuuko…" he whispered helplessly, closing his eyes. "I just wish you knew…"

The silence was deafening. It seemed that even silence was pursuing his regret…and torturing him. Making him realize his perfect mistake. And without doubt, he couldn't agree more.

Until he heard the sound of silence break.

"Now I do."

Tokiya's eyes flew open and his train of thought stopped dead. What the hell…?

Slowly he raised his head, hoping, yet afraid of hoping too much…

But there she was, standing by his very own doorway, her backpack slung over her shoulder, still in the very same beautiful package, complete with the smile he'd been thinking of since she left.

For a moment he just stayed that way, staring at her. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't seem to get any words out. It just seemed so impossible that she would be right there…smiling at him…

He was beginning to think his eyes were playing tricks on him, but just then he saw tears trickling down Fuuko's perfectly rosy cheeks. And the next thing he knew was that she had dropped her bag on the floor with a thud and she was running towards him. She knelt down right in front of him and fell into his arms lovingly, sobbing in his chest.

Tokiya felt like he would die right then.

He wrapped his arms around her shaking shoulders tightly, kissing her head as she laid it on his shoulder. He closed his eyes, taking in the warmth of her body and the wonderful beating of her heart against his.

"Fuuko…" he whispered, hugging her tighter. He'd just sworn that he would never let her go again.

Fuuko in turn cuddled closer to his embrace. She calmed down a bit and sniffed, finally raising her head to look at him. She smiled that perfect smile of hers again…and Tokiya felt like all the air was just knocked out of him. His fingers reached out to touch her cheek gently, and then he carefully brushed away the tears that were staining her perfect face.

"Fuuko…gomen ne…" he spoke softly, finding it hard to look her in the eye. He was not good at showing his emotions, much less saying them out loud, no matter how much he was screaming inside. Words just never got along with him. And because Fuuko's beautiful, tear-glistened face was gazing up at him in sweet innocence, his tongue immediately felt like it was just tied to a knot and he couldn't get any words out. "I can't tell you how big a jerk I've been for all the times I've hurt you…and I don't really know how I can make up for all that—"

Fuuko giggled and placed a finger on his lips. Luckily, Fuuko didn't want to hear his words. Just the pure look of sincerity in his eyes was enough to tell her everything she needed to know. "You don't have to make up for anything, Mi-chan…" She wrapped her arms around his neck and closed her eyes, laying her head on his shoulder again. "Just being back here in your arms is more than enough for me…"

Tokiya merely hugged her closer, and when Fuuko noticed his sudden silence, she looked up into his face again, and saw something she never thought she would ever see after such a long time.

A single tear had rolled from his eye, despite the ever-passive expression on his face.

She lifted her finger and slowly traced the trail that the tear had left on his cheek. "Mi-chan…?" she looked at him right in the eye. "What are you doing? The Mikagami Tokiya I knew would never shed a tear if it were the last day of his life," she smiled.

That's because it's not my last day that would make me upset, Tokiya blinked. It's the fact that my stupidity almost cost me to lose you…"I would if it were for you," he replied, still not changing his expression. Fuuko's eyes softened and she hugged him again. Tokiya closed his eyes and laid his cheek on her head.

"Fuuko, I…" he hesitated. "I know I don't deserve you…you deserve someone so much better than I am…I was never really good at being by your side in the past. My life is just too full of bitterness and I can't…" he paused again as Fuuko looked up at him. "I can't get you caught up in my life…no matter how much I love you…" he breathed, tucking a few strands of her hair behind her ears.

"Mi-chan…"

"…I'm just…so damn tired of this hell of a life, and I'm so damn sick of being alone…" he trailed off and looked away.

Fuuko sighed. He was confused…she could see it in his eyes. She knew that no matter how much he always tried to look so oblivious, he was still a jumble of emotions within. Somehow, she always did see past that mask on his face. Right now was a living proof of that. Tokiya was obviously trying so hard to change the way he was, just for her, but it had never been easy for him to do that because of the way he was living for all these years. It just wasn't easy to snap out of it, no matter how much it was killing him and how much he wanted to. And the fact that he was giving it all that he had…to the extent that it was driving him crazy knowing he'd have to let her go with someone she deserved if he couldn't be enough for her…

It proved more than anything just how much he loved her.

She gently turned his cheek to face her and looked into his pools of light blue. "You know that I love you…I always have…so don't tell me you don't deserve me, because I wouldn't trade you for anyone else…" she bore her eyes deeper into his. "And just like before…we can face your sadness together…I can help you drive away the loneliness that you've been suffering through all your life. You're not alone, Tokiya…I'll always be here…for you…" she whispered, barely noticing that her face was only inches away from his now. Yet still, moments of silence passed them by, either of them moving or speaking, just staying that way, cuddled together with their breaths mixing with each other's…

Then Fuuko felt Tokiya's face come closer…saw his eyes blinking sweetly yet uncertainly down at her…and found herself staring at his lips…as she unknowingly parted hers…

And just when she closed her eyes, she felt the warm softness of his lips on hers. It was a sensation she'd always longed for all this time, to feel his lips again and to drown in his sweet kiss…

And as Tokiya deepened their kiss, she felt his urge for her as well. It had been such a long time since she felt this…

Such a long time…

Slowly, they shifted in their positions, her arms still fully draped around his neck and his hands sliding down from her shoulders to her waist. Fuuko parted her lips again to give him the warm welcome he was waiting for, and as he plunged his tongue into her mouth, teasing her, playing with her, she felt a pleasured moan crawl its way up from her throat. She moaned again as he toyed with her tongue, and felt his hand at the back of her head, pulling her closer still into their kiss. The longer it went on, the more urgent it became, and soon Fuuko felt him gently pushing her down the floor…and her own body letting him.

Moments later she was laying flat on her back, and he was still kissing her. Her mind was screaming out loud in protest. She knew where this was leading to, and she didn't think she was quite ready for that yet. But somehow her body wasn't reacting negatively to this at all, but was even encouraging it on.

Because when Tokiya finally ended their kiss, she sighed in content and her fingers immediately made their way to the first button of his shirt. And propped it open.

Tokiya didn't seem to notice, though, because he, too, was busily giving in to his emotions, this time kissing her exposed neck. Fuuko moaned at the first contact and threw her head back, giving him more access to the rest of her neck. She opened his second button urgently and was just about to open the third when she suddenly flicked her eyes open and froze.

What the heck were they doing?

Tokiya felt the tension in her body and stopped as well. And then all of a sudden he jerked a hundred miles up from her and stumbled back, his eyes wide.

"Oh sh*t," he took her hand and pulled her up from the floor, both of them standing up. "G-Gomen…I didn't know, I wasn't thinking…"

Fuuko flushed so much that she thought her face might explode. She wasn't thinking, either…it all just seemed so right at the moment…because he just tasted so good…

She swallowed heavily and concentrated on the fact that Tokiya was actually stammering. He'd never really done that before, and it was more than flattering to have him do that because of her. She tried to smile. "Um…iie, that's okay…"she squeaked shyly, and then realized what she'd just said. "I mean, uh, it's not that it's okay to do that but; I mean…I wasn't really thinking either and…we should—we should—" She swallowed heavily again, seeing that he wasn't looking at the floor anymore, but at her. "Just—not yet, okay?"

He gave a curt nod. "Sorry."

She smiled again and squeezed his hand. "By the way, why'd you leave the apartment at 2 pm a while ago?" she asked, trying to drive away the awkwardness of the moment.

He twirled her around and they both closed in for another embrace, her back to him, and she pulled his arms around her waist over her stomach. "I should ask what made you decide to come back," he whispered in the back of her ear.

Fuuko chuckled as his breath tickled her. "You probably know why, anyway," she grinned. "It was fifteen minutes before the plane left for Japan, and I was already in my seat. But I kept looking out the window…and there was this big nagging feeling in my heart," she said, leading Tokiya's hand she was holding to her chest. Her skin tingled at the warmth of his palm against her clothing. "Right there. And I knew I couldn't leave you, not ever." She leaned her head back and tried to look at him. "Even if you didn't love me the way I love you anymore."

"I've always loved you," he kissed her head again. "I was just too much of a smart ass to confess."

She laughed at that.

"Seriously?" she asked, looking at him when she'd recovered from her fit. And finally, after a long, long time, she saw him smile again. She smiled as well. "That's good enough." And she cuddled back into his embrace.

Tokiya sighed. "You know, I never did go see the Great Wall when I got here a year ago."

"What?"

"It's true that it's what oneechan wanted, but I never got the courage to see it. It wasn't until you guys brought me there did I see it up close."

Fuuko shifted in her position a bit. "You're kidding. I mean, why come to China when you're not going to see the Great Wall anyway?"

Tokiya paused for a second. "I was afraid to fall in love with you."

Fuuko's eyes widened and she broke free, turning around to face him. "What…what are you saying…?"

Tokiya cupped her cheek and gently rubbed her skin with his thumb. "I let you go…and then left…because I didn't want to fall for you again. I knew it'd never work out between us, and I knew you belonged to someone else. I didn't want to hurt your feelings, or mine, so…I left."

Fuuko's eyes softened. "You left because…you were scared…?"

Tokiya smirked. "Never thought you'd see the day, huh."

She smiled again. "I can pretty much relate. I was afraid, too…I didn't attend your graduation, right? And I never even went to see you off that day when you left…I was so scared of losing you…I didn't want to let you go…but I thought it was for the best, because I thought you deserved someone else, and you deserved a better life, away from us, away from me. I thought that in China, maybe you could…live a better life."

"That's what I thought, too," he said, still not removing his hand. "Hell, was I wrong." He then bent down to give her a light kiss. "Because without you I wouldn't even be living right now," he whispered, his face still close to hers.

Fuuko opened her eyes after the kiss and laughed quietly. She gave his chest a light push. "You've always had a way with sweet words, you know that?"

He shrugged and smiled. "I've never used them on anyone but you, though."

"Oh, really?" Fuuko stepped closer again and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I liked the words, but the kiss needed a little work," she giggled.

"Teach me, then." And they kissed yet again, this time not just some peck on the lips. Tokiya had gone exploring inside her mouth again, and Fuuko nibbled on his tongue just as greedily. He dove deeper, finding the taste of her simply…irresistible. And as Fuuko pulled him closer to her, she once again felt that burning heat of passion rising up inside of her, driving her dizzy with desire for him, until—

Until Tokiya broke free and pulled back. And Fuuko was glad he did before she lost her self-control. Panting slightly, she licked her lips nervously and looked down.

"Sorry," they uttered at the same time, and then Fuuko smiled sheepishly. "Thanks for, um, stopping me."

"Sorry I didn't stop sooner," he replied awkwardly.

Fuuko shook her head. "I just don't think I'm…ready for…that kind of thing. I mean…uh, we're not even married!" she giggled nervously, suddenly realizing the meaning of what she said. "I mean—"

Tokiya smiled. "You mean only that lucky guy gets that privilege from you?"

She grinned. "Yeah…you could say that…"

He stepped closer. "Is…that your concept?"

Fuuko blinked curiously at him. "Well, come to think of it, people really shouldn't be…uh…doing that thing…unless they're married," she stated. Whoa, she'd never in her life thought she'd be having this kind of…conversation without even quivering in embarrassment. Maybe it was because it was Tokiya…or maybe she just liked him too much to care.  

"I see."

Fuuko was just about to say something else, but then she watched in surprise as Tokiya took out something from his pocket. A small black box.

And he got down on one knee right before her.

Oh-my-god.

Tokiya looked up at her with his adorable blue eyes that she had never before seen as serious as they were now. And he was looking into hers so deep in pure affection…"Can I be that lucky guy, then?"

Fuuko could've sworn that time stopped right then. Her voice was caught in her throat and she couldn't find anything to say.

Tokiya didn't break his eye contact. "I know you might think that we're still too young, or that it's not going to be easy living our own life, but…I swear I'll take care of you…and I'm not going to let any harm come your way. If need be I'd be willing to get a job as a sewage cleaner or whatever just to make sure I give you whatever it is that you need…" He smiled. "And I'm not asking you to marry me because of that privilege we've talked about. I don't even give a damn about that. I'm asking you this because I love you…so much…with all my heart…and I don't want to make the same mistake of letting you go again. You saved my life, Fuuko…and I swear I'll use it up only for you…"

Fuuko couldn't say anything. It was too much of a surprise…it was too much of everything. Here she was, in the room of the only person she had always loved the most, who was now proposing to her. Mikagami Tokiya, the coldest person she had probably met, who was always known for his antisocialism, and severe lack of affection and emotions…the one person who would never open up his heart to anyone, ever…the one person who would never crack a smile or a joke at anyone, either…the one person least likely to feel love…

…was asking her to marry him.

And she loved him so much that she couldn't find the right words to say how much she wanted to.

Immediately, tears began to well up in her eyes once more. "Tokiya…" she whispered. She wasn't sure…if she could be worthy of him…it was too sudden…and she was uncertain if she would make it…but…

Slowly, a smile formed on the corners of her lips. She looked down lovingly into his eyes. "It would be nice to be the lucky guy's lucky girl, wouldn't it?"

And Tokiya gave her the most beautiful smile she had ever seen.

He got up and slipped the ring inside the box into her finger and kissed it. "Aishiteru yo," he breathed.

"Aishiteru." She tried to smile but her sobs got the better of her. Tokiya gave her a hug and she sobbed even harder.

"Is it that bad to marry me?" Tokiya whispered in her ear, making her laugh despite the tears in her eyes.

"Shut up," she chortled, pecking him on the cheek. She raised her hand to examine the ring he'd just given her. And then her eyes widened. "Hey, this is—"

"The ring you wanted at the Great Wall," he finished for her. "Now you know all the trouble I went through just to catch you on your plane. The plane you didn't board."

Fuuko laughed again. "You sound like you would've wanted me to board that plane!" She grinned and looked at the ring again. "Do you realize how much this just cost you?"

"Nothing else could ever add up to you," he replied, placing his hands on her waist.

Fuuko cocked her eyebrow and sneered. "There you go with those cheesy words again," she moved closer. "You know, I never knew you'd actually know how to propose."

"I never knew, either," he answered lowly, staring deep into her eyes again. "Did you like it?"

"It's not really a Grammy award winner…" she batted her eyelashes sweetly at him. "But I guess it will do."

He touched her face gently, his fingers moving down to trace her lips. "I think I need a little more inspiration for it."

She looked up into his eyes as well and smiled mischievously. She placed her hands on his cheeks. "Then I'm willing to give you all the inspiration you'll ever need."

And their lips locked together to taste the sweetness of love that was once wavered…but never lost…and was rekindled with a new kind of flame that would last forever.

For as long as true love knew its place deep inside their hearts.