All Final Fantasy characters and classes belong to Squaresoft Co. I just make the battles and funnies in this little piece of insanity.
Final Fantasy: Attack of the Pay Cuts!
Cecil walked out of his trailor. He was getting annoyed, it had been years since he'd been in anything more than commercials for unknown products at midnight on Sundays. He couldn't even enjoy his girlfrend, Rosa, who was too busy teaching people like that upstart Butz how to perform white magic.
Oh, how he hated Butz, that little moron. For all Cecil knew, Butz could be putting the moves on Rosa. (If that's true...) Cecil left the thought unfinished but punched his left hand with his right.
He walked through the director's office, stopping at the Assignment Manager's desk. The busy paper-pusher gave Cecil a paper and hurried him along. Cecil rushed out of there as fast as he could. No one ever bothered Rhinoa twice around here. She had almost complete immunity. Just because Cid was director here he got to decide who was what around here. Cecil and even Biggs was passed over for that job. Cecil resented that completely, as far as he knew, even Edward was better for the job that Ms. Heartilly.
Looking at his paper, Cecil saw it wasn't another script for a commercial on turtle wax or... ugh... foot sanders. In fact, he'd finally gotten something good. He would be helping Auron teach swordsmanship to new pupils. For a moment, Cecil felt sorry for Seifer, who usually did this. Rhinoa must have given him bathroom duty again. Darnit, he should learn to keep his mouth shut around her, he must have said something about Squall in front of her. He and Seifer were on pretty good terms, though, a little skirmish here, burnt hair there. Nothing anymore drastic than before.
Cecil walked through a door into a huge open area. The training grounds for swordsmanship. Cecil walked up to Auron and showed him the paper. Nodding, Auron instructed the class. "Class, today's helper will be Cecil. He's going to teach you the ways of the Dark Knight move, Dark Wave."
"Um, sir, should I really do that? I am a paladin, you know. The office doesn't want me doing that." Cecil said so low only Auron could hear it. Yes, the office, or the Torture Crew. Their official name, though, was the Staff Behavior Committee. Last time he was there, they'd chained him to a wall in the dungeon and tickled him till he covered the floor in an inch deep flood of tears, just because he'd touched a Shadow Sword.
Auron reassured Cecil. "Let me handle the SBC. You just show them the move."
Cecil took a Black Sword from the table, held it up to his cheek, and told the class to do the same with their weapons. "Now, you have to chanel some of your very spirit into the blast. It will deprive you of some HP, but its nothing you cannot recover with a Potion or Two." He channeled his spirit into the blade, and fired a shot at a dummy, pretending it was Zidane to make the shot more accurate.
Oh, he hated that pervy monkey-boy. The guy had tried something with Rosa while Cecil was around, and ooh, the anger. They were on fairly good terms as well. The occasional punch in the corridor. Shoving each other to be first in line for pizza. Heated blitzball matches.
The PA sounded off. "All teachers and staff report to the Main Budget Office immediately. Repeat, report ot the main budget office immediately."
Cecil was rather annoyed, to say the least. He'd finally gotten the job of his dreams and that idiot Cyan took it away from him. Maybe he'd slap him over the head with the microphone as he passed him.
"Class dismissed." Auron walked into the hallway, and Cecil grudgingly followed. He looked into the other rooms as he passed. Rosa, Leena, and Celes in the White Magic training room; Terra, Vivi, and Lulu in the black magic room; Sabin and Gau in PE; Wakka and Tidus going over blitzball strategies.
"No, then you throw the ball at the guy's groin, then you grab in and run!"
"Ok, but THEN you make the kick to the head and the roundhouse to the solar plexus before shooting, eh?"
"All right, all right."
"Hey, guys! Didn't you hear?!"
Wakka and Tidus looked up startled at the crowd of people filing through the corridor.
"Oh, right, ja?" Wakka and Tidus tore out of the room. Jerks.
Cecil passed the Summoning Courtyard, where Yuna and Rydia had just dismissed class. Edge, Shadow, and Ninja Galuf came out of the Ninja Arts room. Why did all these amateurs get such cool jobs? (Darn you, Rhinoa! No, wait, scratch that. DARN YOU, CID!!!!)
At the main office, Cid had gotten on top of a stack of boxes with a megaphone to be heard. Darn right, that stupid, spear-using nimrod was the head honcho. He only chose Rhinoa for her looks. Now, the Cid he knew would have been better suited for the job. Polygonal, So-much-better-than-you-cuz-I'm-3d-Cid spoke up after pulling out his cigarrette.
"I got bad news for you lamers! Turns out, we've gone 600,000,000 gil over budget, so there's gonna be a massive cut in salaries."
Collective groan.
"But, Capcom's little millionare midget Mega-jerk has decided to lend us the money if the two best fighters from our Final Fantasy crew can beat him and For-freaking-tey in battle."
Collective cheers and shouts of approval.
"So, to get the ball rolling, I've decided to have a massive tournament. The winners will go on to get us our dough."
Yet another collective cheer.
"And we'll let the readers who were bored enough to read this choose!"
Silence.
"Well?"
Silence... again...
"It's not such a bad idea! I can't decide!"
Si- oh, forget it.
"Oh, forget you." Cid threw his hands in the air. As he left the podium, everyone cheered. Unfortunately, he thought this was for the readers choosing the fighters and matches. He promptly jumped up on the stack of boxes of paperclips again.
"OK, the volunteers to decide from are- geez, that's one honking huge list!
Cecil,
Cyan,
Edgar,
Shadow,
Kain,
Butz,
Me,
That imposter from Final Fantasy 4,
Galuf,
Tidus,
Wakka,
Auron,
Squall,
Seifer,
Zell,
Sabin,
Zidane,
Gau,
Rosa,
Leena,
Yuna,
Rydia,
Celes,
Faris,
Lulu,
Rhinoa,
Rikku,
Terra,
Vivi,
Mystic Knight,
Ninja,
Summoner,
White Mage,
Red Mage,
Blue Mage,
Time Mage,
Black Belt,
err... and Edward... Ha! Loser won't stand a chance!
Just tell me which two to have fight against each other first using that review button thingey at the bottom." With this, Cid finally got off of the podium for good.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Let the people decide, long live democracy! You can nominate any other character or class to fight and I might put him in, if I know enough about him. BTW, this fic is meant purely for humorous purposes, so I had to do a little bashing. I did it to some of my favorite characters too, so its okay, right? C'mon, it was at least a little funny, right?
Final Fantasy: Attack of the Pay Cuts!
Cecil walked out of his trailor. He was getting annoyed, it had been years since he'd been in anything more than commercials for unknown products at midnight on Sundays. He couldn't even enjoy his girlfrend, Rosa, who was too busy teaching people like that upstart Butz how to perform white magic.
Oh, how he hated Butz, that little moron. For all Cecil knew, Butz could be putting the moves on Rosa. (If that's true...) Cecil left the thought unfinished but punched his left hand with his right.
He walked through the director's office, stopping at the Assignment Manager's desk. The busy paper-pusher gave Cecil a paper and hurried him along. Cecil rushed out of there as fast as he could. No one ever bothered Rhinoa twice around here. She had almost complete immunity. Just because Cid was director here he got to decide who was what around here. Cecil and even Biggs was passed over for that job. Cecil resented that completely, as far as he knew, even Edward was better for the job that Ms. Heartilly.
Looking at his paper, Cecil saw it wasn't another script for a commercial on turtle wax or... ugh... foot sanders. In fact, he'd finally gotten something good. He would be helping Auron teach swordsmanship to new pupils. For a moment, Cecil felt sorry for Seifer, who usually did this. Rhinoa must have given him bathroom duty again. Darnit, he should learn to keep his mouth shut around her, he must have said something about Squall in front of her. He and Seifer were on pretty good terms, though, a little skirmish here, burnt hair there. Nothing anymore drastic than before.
Cecil walked through a door into a huge open area. The training grounds for swordsmanship. Cecil walked up to Auron and showed him the paper. Nodding, Auron instructed the class. "Class, today's helper will be Cecil. He's going to teach you the ways of the Dark Knight move, Dark Wave."
"Um, sir, should I really do that? I am a paladin, you know. The office doesn't want me doing that." Cecil said so low only Auron could hear it. Yes, the office, or the Torture Crew. Their official name, though, was the Staff Behavior Committee. Last time he was there, they'd chained him to a wall in the dungeon and tickled him till he covered the floor in an inch deep flood of tears, just because he'd touched a Shadow Sword.
Auron reassured Cecil. "Let me handle the SBC. You just show them the move."
Cecil took a Black Sword from the table, held it up to his cheek, and told the class to do the same with their weapons. "Now, you have to chanel some of your very spirit into the blast. It will deprive you of some HP, but its nothing you cannot recover with a Potion or Two." He channeled his spirit into the blade, and fired a shot at a dummy, pretending it was Zidane to make the shot more accurate.
Oh, he hated that pervy monkey-boy. The guy had tried something with Rosa while Cecil was around, and ooh, the anger. They were on fairly good terms as well. The occasional punch in the corridor. Shoving each other to be first in line for pizza. Heated blitzball matches.
The PA sounded off. "All teachers and staff report to the Main Budget Office immediately. Repeat, report ot the main budget office immediately."
Cecil was rather annoyed, to say the least. He'd finally gotten the job of his dreams and that idiot Cyan took it away from him. Maybe he'd slap him over the head with the microphone as he passed him.
"Class dismissed." Auron walked into the hallway, and Cecil grudgingly followed. He looked into the other rooms as he passed. Rosa, Leena, and Celes in the White Magic training room; Terra, Vivi, and Lulu in the black magic room; Sabin and Gau in PE; Wakka and Tidus going over blitzball strategies.
"No, then you throw the ball at the guy's groin, then you grab in and run!"
"Ok, but THEN you make the kick to the head and the roundhouse to the solar plexus before shooting, eh?"
"All right, all right."
"Hey, guys! Didn't you hear?!"
Wakka and Tidus looked up startled at the crowd of people filing through the corridor.
"Oh, right, ja?" Wakka and Tidus tore out of the room. Jerks.
Cecil passed the Summoning Courtyard, where Yuna and Rydia had just dismissed class. Edge, Shadow, and Ninja Galuf came out of the Ninja Arts room. Why did all these amateurs get such cool jobs? (Darn you, Rhinoa! No, wait, scratch that. DARN YOU, CID!!!!)
At the main office, Cid had gotten on top of a stack of boxes with a megaphone to be heard. Darn right, that stupid, spear-using nimrod was the head honcho. He only chose Rhinoa for her looks. Now, the Cid he knew would have been better suited for the job. Polygonal, So-much-better-than-you-cuz-I'm-3d-Cid spoke up after pulling out his cigarrette.
"I got bad news for you lamers! Turns out, we've gone 600,000,000 gil over budget, so there's gonna be a massive cut in salaries."
Collective groan.
"But, Capcom's little millionare midget Mega-jerk has decided to lend us the money if the two best fighters from our Final Fantasy crew can beat him and For-freaking-tey in battle."
Collective cheers and shouts of approval.
"So, to get the ball rolling, I've decided to have a massive tournament. The winners will go on to get us our dough."
Yet another collective cheer.
"And we'll let the readers who were bored enough to read this choose!"
Silence.
"Well?"
Silence... again...
"It's not such a bad idea! I can't decide!"
Si- oh, forget it.
"Oh, forget you." Cid threw his hands in the air. As he left the podium, everyone cheered. Unfortunately, he thought this was for the readers choosing the fighters and matches. He promptly jumped up on the stack of boxes of paperclips again.
"OK, the volunteers to decide from are- geez, that's one honking huge list!
Cecil,
Cyan,
Edgar,
Shadow,
Kain,
Butz,
Me,
That imposter from Final Fantasy 4,
Galuf,
Tidus,
Wakka,
Auron,
Squall,
Seifer,
Zell,
Sabin,
Zidane,
Gau,
Rosa,
Leena,
Yuna,
Rydia,
Celes,
Faris,
Lulu,
Rhinoa,
Rikku,
Terra,
Vivi,
Mystic Knight,
Ninja,
Summoner,
White Mage,
Red Mage,
Blue Mage,
Time Mage,
Black Belt,
err... and Edward... Ha! Loser won't stand a chance!
Just tell me which two to have fight against each other first using that review button thingey at the bottom." With this, Cid finally got off of the podium for good.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Let the people decide, long live democracy! You can nominate any other character or class to fight and I might put him in, if I know enough about him. BTW, this fic is meant purely for humorous purposes, so I had to do a little bashing. I did it to some of my favorite characters too, so its okay, right? C'mon, it was at least a little funny, right?