All Final Fantasy characters and classes belong to Squaresoft Co. I just make the battles and funnies in this little piece of insanity.
Final Fantasy: Attack of the Pay Cuts!
Round 1 -
The whole Final Fantasy Corporation and School campus was empty, except for the tightly packed stadium. Most of the 5,000+ students were in the stands, with the staff and the student contenders in the cages below the stands. Cid stood on another stack of boxes as he addressed the arena. "OK, losers, the rules are this. 1. You are disqualified if you die. 2. You are disqualified if you are changed into another form, ee-gee a pig or whatever. 3. You are disqualified if you lose... etcetera, etcetera, blah-blah." He got back down from the stack and the crowd cheered heartily. Cid, again, was mistaken in thinking it was for the rules.
(Hmm, we really should make some locker rooms for down here.) Cyan was sitting on one of the stone slabs for benches, cleaning his blade. Auron was leaning against a locker.
"Hey, Auron, what happened to your eye? Slip and hit yourself with that slab of metal you call a sword?" Cyan taunted Auron constantly. Just because Auron was a way cooler character than Cyan, he thought he was better. Auron turned his head and ignored him. Cyan tried again, "Why don't you ever use that sleeve of your shirt? Did you sew it shut when you made that horrid excuse of a suit?"
Auron turned. "Your momma." Oh, he was good, Cyan had to give him that. Cyan sullenly sheathed his blade as the PA system blared. Someone else must have gotten his job. Darnit, he'd left his valuable picture frame on the desk. (That moron Locke had better not be up there.)
"The first fight will be between Cyan and Auron... oh, and I would like to thank Cyan for this neato picture frame! Heehee..." Darn it!
Cyan and Auron walked silently out into the arena, amidst the cheers of the pupils. To the side was a box with the referee and and his assistant. The assistant poked the referee. "Uhm, Tellah? Tellah? Wake up. Tellah, darnit, are you dead AGAIN?"
Tellah awoke with a snort. "Wha? Oh, get the heck away from me, Relm! Anyway, just fight or something. Go."
"Wait a minute," Cyan started, "didn't you die in Final Fantasy 4?"
"I could care less about plot inconsistancies."
"Didn't Galuf die also?"
"I'm sure he doesn't care either. Just fight already!"
"But-" It was too late. Cyan saw the sage had fallen asleep again. Oh, well, it didn't matter. He had finally noticed something. "Relm, he's 3D and I'm 2D! This is not gonna work!"
"Hold your paintbrushes, guys." Relm painted something on her canvas, and both of the contestants in the arena changed form. They weren't disqualified because it was before the battle.
"RELM! What the! We look liek bad Megaman game characters!"
"You talk like one too. Fight already!"
"Fine, cow." Cyan tried to do his stance, all he could manage was pointing his arm at Auron with his 8-bit body. "Ok, you're going down!"
The bell rang, and the match was underway. Auron took a step forward, and the bell rang again. "The winner, by default and awesomery, is Auron."
"WHAT! I didn't even get to fight!"
Tellah was instantly awake. "GAH! You're worse than that spoony bard! You're complaining, in my day, I had to walk barefoot 15 miles to school in the middle of blizzards, and it was uphill both ways!" Tellah ranted on as Relm continued.
"Auron, because he is a much cooler character than you, has won automatically. Go back to your office, microphone man." Relm drew on her canvas again, and they were back to normal.
"Cow!" Cyan was instantly turned into a pig and disqualified.
Round 2 -
Terra and Celes were in the their "dungeons" before their battle. Unlike the men's room, theirs actually had a real, live, soft, 600,000,000 gil couch. Thanks to Rhinoa's brownnosing, they could relax comfortably on the fragile, plastic covered, 2 foot long couch.
"Terra, get off, your hips are too big, I'm getting pushed off the couch!" Celes gave Terra a rough shove, who pushed back.
"Maybe your hips are a little to big, little miss blubber!"
"Maybe you need a fat lip, Ms. Hippo!"
"Cow!"
"Stupid!"
"Moron!"
"Substitute math teacher!"
Terra gasped, how dare Celes! She was about to fly at her when Locke's voice announced over the PA. "Rowr. Save it for the ring, ladies. The next catfight- err, round is between the two magic-using babes Terra and Celes. You go, girls! Hey, Cyan, what's up, what are you- Hey! It's MY picture frame now!" Scuffling sounds, shouts, and rather mean and particularly hurtful names and phrases could be heard over the PA as the next two contestants walked into the ring.
"Ok, now fight, in MORTAL KOMBAT!" Suddenly wierd music played. Seeing that Terra and Celes were looking at him strangely, Tellah explained. "Hey, just wanted to add some cool music to this." He reached behind him and clicked off the stereo.
The bell clanged, and Terra went first. She started chanting, and Celes did the same. The people waited for several minutes, then Terra unleashed her spell. "I summon... STRAY!" A weird cat in boots jumped into the arena and started hopping around. It then jumped into the stadium seats and shared some popcorn with an Elementalist.
Celes was next. She spread her arms out and a massive anvil fell fro mthe sky on Terra. It bounced off and Terra bobbed up and down like an accordian, making the same sounds as one too.
Terra was mad, so she ran a few steps towards Celes and waved her sword over her head a few times. Celes suddenly recoiled like she'd been hit and some weird line formed in the air in front of her. Celes started chanting, and Terra took a potion and threw it into the air to heal herself. It went up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up(monotonous, ain't it?), up, and out of the stratosphere. Woman didn't know her own strength.
Celes spread her arms and more lines appeared, and Terra was frozen in place.
"The winner! CELES!"
Terra shook violently in her ice casing and melted a hole in front of her face. "Wait a minute! I haven't been disqualified yet!"
So Relm painted Terra into a frog, and Terra was disqualified. Go figure.
Round 3 -
Cid and Cid sat, staring at each other. Staring. They had the same names, they were both PLCs, they both had major parts in the games they were in... and both were convinced the other was an imposter. Suddenly!
"Ergh- leggo my foot! Next grudge match- Get away from me, dude!- is between Cid and- egh, gerroff!- Cid!" The fight continued. "Hey, that's MY earring!"
Right. Both Cids walked into the arena, and Tellah was actually awake this time. "OK, Cid and... Cid, the heck?!!? Oh, just fight or something, I need my nap."
Looks like Relm was going to be ref again. Anticipating their next complaint, she drew on her canvas and 2D Cid from Final Fantasy 4 became a 3D Cid from Final Fantasy 4.
Final Fantasy 7 Cid was first to speak after the bell rang. "Ok, you freaky-bearded, censor-loving, lame, old-school wrenchmonkey! I am gonna- OW!" BONK! FF2 Cid had thrown a wrench at FF7 Cid. "Hey, fight fair! OW, GOSH DANG IT!"
His teeth showing pure white through his huge beard, Cid kept bomabarding the other Cid with wooden wrenches. Then he walked up and started bonking him over the head. The director was on his knees. Cid cackled loudly. "So you thought you could beat me? Old school roxxorz you, lamer!"
Oh, the beating! Cid kept swinging his arm over his head, and bonking sounds kept being heard as some weird flash kept appearing on FF7 Cid's head.
"WAAAH! MOMMY!" FF7 Cid got up and ran from the arena.
As everyone sweatdropped, Relm announced the winner. Cid walked triumphantly off towards the locker and tripped on a wrench.
"OK, then, apparently both Cid's are disqualified..."
Cecil put his head in his hands as he saw Cid fall. Poor guy never lasted when he seemed to actually have a chance. At least it wasn't an imp that got him this time.
The PA blared after some feedback. "Cyan here, and if the people reading this fic stop being lazy and review with some match pairings we might actually get our gil by 2005! Next 3 rounds as soon as people suggest them!"
AUTHOR'S NOTE: If anyone has any better ideas for the Cid vs Cid battle - NYAH! :P Really, though, please give me your suggestions! They might turn out as funny, or hopefully funnier than these rounds! ^_^ Please? Oh, its a curse, I tells ya. *Walks off talking to himself*
Final Fantasy: Attack of the Pay Cuts!
Round 1 -
The whole Final Fantasy Corporation and School campus was empty, except for the tightly packed stadium. Most of the 5,000+ students were in the stands, with the staff and the student contenders in the cages below the stands. Cid stood on another stack of boxes as he addressed the arena. "OK, losers, the rules are this. 1. You are disqualified if you die. 2. You are disqualified if you are changed into another form, ee-gee a pig or whatever. 3. You are disqualified if you lose... etcetera, etcetera, blah-blah." He got back down from the stack and the crowd cheered heartily. Cid, again, was mistaken in thinking it was for the rules.
(Hmm, we really should make some locker rooms for down here.) Cyan was sitting on one of the stone slabs for benches, cleaning his blade. Auron was leaning against a locker.
"Hey, Auron, what happened to your eye? Slip and hit yourself with that slab of metal you call a sword?" Cyan taunted Auron constantly. Just because Auron was a way cooler character than Cyan, he thought he was better. Auron turned his head and ignored him. Cyan tried again, "Why don't you ever use that sleeve of your shirt? Did you sew it shut when you made that horrid excuse of a suit?"
Auron turned. "Your momma." Oh, he was good, Cyan had to give him that. Cyan sullenly sheathed his blade as the PA system blared. Someone else must have gotten his job. Darnit, he'd left his valuable picture frame on the desk. (That moron Locke had better not be up there.)
"The first fight will be between Cyan and Auron... oh, and I would like to thank Cyan for this neato picture frame! Heehee..." Darn it!
Cyan and Auron walked silently out into the arena, amidst the cheers of the pupils. To the side was a box with the referee and and his assistant. The assistant poked the referee. "Uhm, Tellah? Tellah? Wake up. Tellah, darnit, are you dead AGAIN?"
Tellah awoke with a snort. "Wha? Oh, get the heck away from me, Relm! Anyway, just fight or something. Go."
"Wait a minute," Cyan started, "didn't you die in Final Fantasy 4?"
"I could care less about plot inconsistancies."
"Didn't Galuf die also?"
"I'm sure he doesn't care either. Just fight already!"
"But-" It was too late. Cyan saw the sage had fallen asleep again. Oh, well, it didn't matter. He had finally noticed something. "Relm, he's 3D and I'm 2D! This is not gonna work!"
"Hold your paintbrushes, guys." Relm painted something on her canvas, and both of the contestants in the arena changed form. They weren't disqualified because it was before the battle.
"RELM! What the! We look liek bad Megaman game characters!"
"You talk like one too. Fight already!"
"Fine, cow." Cyan tried to do his stance, all he could manage was pointing his arm at Auron with his 8-bit body. "Ok, you're going down!"
The bell rang, and the match was underway. Auron took a step forward, and the bell rang again. "The winner, by default and awesomery, is Auron."
"WHAT! I didn't even get to fight!"
Tellah was instantly awake. "GAH! You're worse than that spoony bard! You're complaining, in my day, I had to walk barefoot 15 miles to school in the middle of blizzards, and it was uphill both ways!" Tellah ranted on as Relm continued.
"Auron, because he is a much cooler character than you, has won automatically. Go back to your office, microphone man." Relm drew on her canvas again, and they were back to normal.
"Cow!" Cyan was instantly turned into a pig and disqualified.
Round 2 -
Terra and Celes were in the their "dungeons" before their battle. Unlike the men's room, theirs actually had a real, live, soft, 600,000,000 gil couch. Thanks to Rhinoa's brownnosing, they could relax comfortably on the fragile, plastic covered, 2 foot long couch.
"Terra, get off, your hips are too big, I'm getting pushed off the couch!" Celes gave Terra a rough shove, who pushed back.
"Maybe your hips are a little to big, little miss blubber!"
"Maybe you need a fat lip, Ms. Hippo!"
"Cow!"
"Stupid!"
"Moron!"
"Substitute math teacher!"
Terra gasped, how dare Celes! She was about to fly at her when Locke's voice announced over the PA. "Rowr. Save it for the ring, ladies. The next catfight- err, round is between the two magic-using babes Terra and Celes. You go, girls! Hey, Cyan, what's up, what are you- Hey! It's MY picture frame now!" Scuffling sounds, shouts, and rather mean and particularly hurtful names and phrases could be heard over the PA as the next two contestants walked into the ring.
"Ok, now fight, in MORTAL KOMBAT!" Suddenly wierd music played. Seeing that Terra and Celes were looking at him strangely, Tellah explained. "Hey, just wanted to add some cool music to this." He reached behind him and clicked off the stereo.
The bell clanged, and Terra went first. She started chanting, and Celes did the same. The people waited for several minutes, then Terra unleashed her spell. "I summon... STRAY!" A weird cat in boots jumped into the arena and started hopping around. It then jumped into the stadium seats and shared some popcorn with an Elementalist.
Celes was next. She spread her arms out and a massive anvil fell fro mthe sky on Terra. It bounced off and Terra bobbed up and down like an accordian, making the same sounds as one too.
Terra was mad, so she ran a few steps towards Celes and waved her sword over her head a few times. Celes suddenly recoiled like she'd been hit and some weird line formed in the air in front of her. Celes started chanting, and Terra took a potion and threw it into the air to heal herself. It went up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up(monotonous, ain't it?), up, and out of the stratosphere. Woman didn't know her own strength.
Celes spread her arms and more lines appeared, and Terra was frozen in place.
"The winner! CELES!"
Terra shook violently in her ice casing and melted a hole in front of her face. "Wait a minute! I haven't been disqualified yet!"
So Relm painted Terra into a frog, and Terra was disqualified. Go figure.
Round 3 -
Cid and Cid sat, staring at each other. Staring. They had the same names, they were both PLCs, they both had major parts in the games they were in... and both were convinced the other was an imposter. Suddenly!
"Ergh- leggo my foot! Next grudge match- Get away from me, dude!- is between Cid and- egh, gerroff!- Cid!" The fight continued. "Hey, that's MY earring!"
Right. Both Cids walked into the arena, and Tellah was actually awake this time. "OK, Cid and... Cid, the heck?!!? Oh, just fight or something, I need my nap."
Looks like Relm was going to be ref again. Anticipating their next complaint, she drew on her canvas and 2D Cid from Final Fantasy 4 became a 3D Cid from Final Fantasy 4.
Final Fantasy 7 Cid was first to speak after the bell rang. "Ok, you freaky-bearded, censor-loving, lame, old-school wrenchmonkey! I am gonna- OW!" BONK! FF2 Cid had thrown a wrench at FF7 Cid. "Hey, fight fair! OW, GOSH DANG IT!"
His teeth showing pure white through his huge beard, Cid kept bomabarding the other Cid with wooden wrenches. Then he walked up and started bonking him over the head. The director was on his knees. Cid cackled loudly. "So you thought you could beat me? Old school roxxorz you, lamer!"
Oh, the beating! Cid kept swinging his arm over his head, and bonking sounds kept being heard as some weird flash kept appearing on FF7 Cid's head.
"WAAAH! MOMMY!" FF7 Cid got up and ran from the arena.
As everyone sweatdropped, Relm announced the winner. Cid walked triumphantly off towards the locker and tripped on a wrench.
"OK, then, apparently both Cid's are disqualified..."
Cecil put his head in his hands as he saw Cid fall. Poor guy never lasted when he seemed to actually have a chance. At least it wasn't an imp that got him this time.
The PA blared after some feedback. "Cyan here, and if the people reading this fic stop being lazy and review with some match pairings we might actually get our gil by 2005! Next 3 rounds as soon as people suggest them!"
AUTHOR'S NOTE: If anyone has any better ideas for the Cid vs Cid battle - NYAH! :P Really, though, please give me your suggestions! They might turn out as funny, or hopefully funnier than these rounds! ^_^ Please? Oh, its a curse, I tells ya. *Walks off talking to himself*