DISCLAIMER: I don't own Invader Zim or the fairy tales that I plan to use.
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~or~
THE BOLOGNA BOY
(The scene opens with Gaz and Professor Membrane in an old dusty kitchen. The Narrator stands in front of the scene.)
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, Gaz and Professor Membrane lived all alone in a little old house. They hadn't any little girls or any little boys.
GAZ: Excuse me? I'm a little girl! I really hope you're not suggesting....
NARRATOR: No, Gaz. I'm only reading the script.
GAZ: Remind me to kill Dal.
NARRATOR: Anyway, let's continue. So, one day, Gaz made a boy out of bologna (Gaz starts making the boy); she made him clothes out of grease (She clothes her little creation with the grease from the frying pan). When Gaz had rolled him out, dressed him up, and pinched his greasy boots into shape, she put him on a plate (Gaz does everything the Narrator just said); then she put him in the microwave and closed the door. Then, she thought:
GAZ: (After closing the microwave door) Now I shall have a little boy of my own. Wait, Dib is older than me! How can he be my little boy?
NARRATOR: (Exasperated) Just stick to the script.
GAZ: (Mutters) Cassie's not very good at this script-writing. She had better give me a lot of pay for this story.
NARRATOR: When it was time for the bologna boy to be done, Gaz opened the microwave door and pulled out the plate (Gaz opens the microwave door and pulls out the plate). Out jumped the bologna boy onto the floor (Dib jumps onto the floor. He looks like he did near the end of Bolognius Maximus), and away he ran, out the door and down the street (Dib does so). Gaz and Professor Membrane ran after him as fast as they could, but he just laughed and shouted:
DIB: Run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the bologna boy! (He waddles down the street, Gaz and Membrane slowly follow).
GAZ: He's way too easy to catch.
MEMBRANE: You really should pick up the pace if you want to outrun GIR later on.
NARRATOR: And they couldn't catch him.
GAZ: You're joking, right?
(The scene changes to that of a roadside. GIR sits in the middle.)
NARRATOR: The little bologna boy ran on and on (Dib runs onto the scene, along the roadside) until he came to GIR by the roadside (Dib stops in front of GIR).
GIR: Stop little bologna boy, I want to eat you!
DIB: (Laughs) I have run awa from Gaz. And Professor Membrane. And I can run away from you, I can. (GIR begins to chase after Dib. Dib looks over his shoulder and yells,) Run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the bologna bo-ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
(GIR sinks his teeth into Dib's head. Dib runs in circles, trying to fling GIR off. The Narrator stares for a few moments.)
NARRATOR: Oh, can someone get that robot off of him? He's ruining the scene.
(Two of Membrane's guards pry GIR off Dib. They carry GIR offstage.)
NARRATOR: And GIR couldn't catch him.
DIB: But he did catch me. And, I have a chunk missing from the back of my head!
(The scene changes once again. Now it shows a pasture with Bloaty sitting in the middle. Dib runs onstage.)
NARRATOR: The bologna boy ran on, and on, and on, until he came to Bloaty in a pasture. (Dib stops in front of Bloaty.)
BLOATY: Stop, little bologna boy. You look very good to eat.
DIB: Oho! Oho! I have run away from Gaz. And Professor Membrane. And GIR. And I can run away from you, I can.
BLOATY: (Groans) Maybe you can.
(Dib waddles down the road. Bloaty waddles after him, as fast as he can, which turns out to be pretty slow.)
DIB: Run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the bologna boy!
BLOATY: I had too many pizzas! (Bloaty passes out, nearly crushing Dib as he hits the ground.)
DIB: Is he okay? Was that supposed to happen?
NARRATOR: (Flips through the script) It's not written in here.... Anywho, and Bloaty couldn't catch him.
(The scene changes again. Now it's Ms. Bitters's class. The kids throw paper airplanes around.)
NARRATOR: By and by, the little bologna boy came to a classroom full of students. (Dib runs into the classroom) When they smelled the bologna boy, they tried to pick him up.
STUDENT: (Holding nose) Eew! Dib stinks again! I'm not touching him!
NARRATOR: But the little bologna boy ran harder than ever, and as he ran, he cried out:
DIB: I have run away from Gaz. And Professor Membrane. And GIR. And Bloaty. And I can run away from you, I can.
STUDENT: Please DO!
DIB: Run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the bologna boy!
STUDENT: Waddle faster! I'm getting light-headed from that smell!
NARRATOR: And the students couldn't catch him.
(The scene changes once again. Now it's a large field, with a moose grazing in the middle. Dib enters and starts waddling across the set.)
NARRATOR: Then, the little bologna boy ran faster than ever. He ran and ran until he came to a room with a moose. When the moose saw how fine he looked, he ran after him, calling:
MOOSE: (Makes a bunch of moosey sounds)
DIB: What's that supposed to mean?
MOOSE: (Prepares to charge Dib)
DIB: Oh, no! I think it can outrun meeee! (Begins running from the charging moose) Save my delicious meat body of bologna meat!
NARRATOR: And the moose couldn't catch him.
DIB: Help! He's tearing into my organs. (Starts screaming)
NARRATOR: By this time, the little bologna boy was so proud that he didn't think anyone could catch him. Pretty soon, he saw an alien cut across the field. The alien looked at him, and began to run.
ZIM: (Looks across the field) Where's the Dib human?
NARRATOR: Over there, getting attacked by the moose.
(They watch Dib for a few minutes. Zim gets his Voot Cruiser and lands next to Dib.)
ZIM: Grab the engine, I'll get you out of here.
DIB: I'm not stupid. I won't fall for any of your alien evil traps.
ZIM: Why, I would not hurt you if I could. I wouldn't think of disturbing you.
DIB: (Snorts) Yeah, right.
ZIM: Do you want me to save you from your moosey fate or not?
DIB: Fine. I'll grab onto your ship. But this is the only time. Ever.
(Dib grabs the ship's grappling thing. They fly away, leaving the moose screaming. They fly for a while, until Zim drops Dib over a pack of hungry dogs.)
DIB: Oh, you rotten alien monsteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!
ZIM: (Cackles evily) Foolish bologna boy!
NARRATOR: That wasn't in the script. Oh well.
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