Very soon.... Ha! It was April when I last updated this! Well, in the middle of December, here you go: Hansel and Grettel.
Disclaimer: I still don't own Zim or the fairy tales. I DO own my outrage at Nickelodeon for not showing the Christmas episode yesterday. They make me so mad that I want to set my Ice Wolves on them. I do own the Ice Wolves, but they previously belonged to Long Live Zim (read her stuff, though she hasn't updated in forever, it's really funny!).
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Hansel and Grettel
~or~
Red and Purple
(The scene opens with the Narrator standing in front of an old cottage)
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, a poor woodcutter, his wife, and his two children, Hansel and Grettel, lived on the edge of a large forest. They never had much to live on, and once, when there was a famine, the woodcutter couldn't provide for his family. Our tale begins on a dark night when the woodcutter couldn't even sleep and talked to his wife instead.
(Cut to the bedroom of the woodcutter and his wife. We see a close-up of Professor Membrane's face as he lies above the blankets.)
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: What's to become of us, wife? How are we to support our poor children, now that we have nothing more for ourselves?"
(We now see the whole bed, and no one else is in . Professor Membrane sits up, a look we can only assume is surprise on his face)
NARRATOR: Where is Gaz? Wasn't she supposed to play the wife?
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Hmm... (Puts his hand on his chin thoughtfully) I believe that I remember her saying something about hating to always play the wife. She was really against coming tonight, so I didn't force her to.
NARRATOR: Well then.... Why didn't you say anything before. Wait, that doesn't matter. Who else is here. (Calls backstage) We need someone to play the wife!
PURPLE: (Sticking his head out from backstage. He is wearing a lot of make-up) Hey, you can't make me play the wife and Grettel! Get Purple!
RED: (Also sticking his head out) I heard that! You can't make me play the wife because I'm too busy playing Hansel!
PURPLE: You can't play Hansel! I wanted to play Hansel!
RED: I'm sorry, I didn't lose the snack-contest last week! Since I won, I get to play Hansel!
PURPLE: But I was already full of other snacks from earlier!
(Zim pokes his head out. He looks at the Narrator with an ambitious look.)
ZIM: I believe I just heard you say that you needed another someone. Do I get to play Hansel or the Witch? NARRATOR: (Looking thoughtful) Yes, it's something like that.... You'll find the costume in your dressing room. (Makes a hand motion to a stage hand)
(A few minutes later, Zim steps out into the bedroom in a peasant's dress, a bright yellow wig, and a scowl)
ZIM: The woodcutter's WIFE! You make me, the powerful ZIM, play the pathetic role of the woodcutter's wife! You will pay big for this, Narrator-Man! Prepare to suffer the wrath of the mighty Irken Zi-
PURPLE: Just get out there and play the part, Zim! If you convince us that you are a grand actor, we shall give you an army of battleships!
(The two tallest snigger backstage while Zim, looking delighted, runs onstage and sits on the bed)
ZIM: I've been practicing to be an actor all my life! (Clears his throat and puts on a feminine voice) I shall tell you what, husband. Early tomorrow morning, we'll take the children out into the thickest part of the wood. There we shall light a fire for them and gives them each a piece of bread. Then we go about our work as usual and leave them there alone. They won't be able to find their way home and we'll be rid of them forever!
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Yes, wife that is a wonderful idea. Now, we must sleep.
NARRATOR: And thus, the next morning, they set out on their way into the woods. Hansel and Grettel, who had overheard their parents talking the night before, were worried to death.
The scene changes to that of a forest in morning light. A disgruntled yet determined Zim and the emotionless Professor lead the other two into the trees.
PURPLE: Why do I have to be Grettel? I am the Almighty Tallest and shouldn't be made to play a woman!
RED: Just shut up and play the part. I'm tall too, maybe even a little taller than you, and I won the contest.
PURPLE: It always goes back to the contest with you! Fine! (Clearing his throat, Purple puts on a shrill, high-pitched voice) Hansel, I'm scared! How are we going to escape whatever lasers await us in the forest?
RED: Don't worry, my superior intelligence led me outside last night, where I filled my pockets with these bright little pebbles. (He pulls three, white, tiny pebbles out of the top stripe pocket on his waist. Cautiously, looking at Zim as though they were trying to plan something behind his back, he hands two to Purple and drops the last one. They shine in the moonlight and will lead us home.
PURPLE: Ooh, they're pretty. (Curiously, he pops one into his mouth and bites down on it. A crunching of teeth is heard and he spits it back out. Red gives him an annoyed look, and he shrugs in return.) Pretty things are usually nice to eat. I'm hungry, can you blame me?
NARRATOR: And so they went on, Hansel turning back to look at their house every now and then. Eventually, the Woodcutter's wife began to grow suspicious of this.
ZIM: Yes, my Tallest, er, I mean, my son, what are you doing, looking back at our house.
RED: (Smiling craftily) Oh, I am looking back at my white kitten, which is sitting on the roof, waving good-bye.
ZIM: (Dropping his high-pitched voice) You do not have a cat! I doubt you even know what a cat is! That would only be the accursed Earth sun shining over the chimney.
NARRATOR: But Hansel continued to look back and drop the pebbles on the ground. It was noon when they reached the middle of the forest, and when they got to a little meadow, the father gave his instructions to the children.
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Now, children, go and fetch me some wood so that I may light a fire for you. You don't want to feel cold, do you?
(Red knocks a small tree down with a laser, then commences to use Purple's head to break it in half. Pleased with himself, he lays the tree down in front of the professor.)
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: (Fiddles around in his pocket, searching for one of his inventions.) Great goodness! I've forgotten my electro-fire at home! So sorry, children, you don't get a fire today. Maybe next time.
NARRATOR: So the parents continued on into the forest, turning back and going home without their children. Red and Purple, however, remained in the grove until dark, cold and worried.
PURPLE: How dare they leave us behind? We, the Tallest!
RED: Do not worry, when the moon comes up, we'll be able to see the rocks and go back home.
PURPLE: We've been staring at the sky for two hours since it go dark. I think Earth lost its moon tonight.
RED: You know, I think you're right. (As he speaks, his stomach (or whatever is close to it) rumbles.) I'm hungry, let's go look for something to eat. I think the house is this way.
(They set off into the forest, unknowingly going the way opposite their house.)
NARRATOR: They walked all through the night, constantly arguing about which way was the right way to go. Morning came, Hansel used his laser on Grettel in annoyance. It was midday when Grettel, with one eye still closed in pain, spotted the house.
RED: Aha! I told you we were going the right way all along!
PURPLE: But I'm the one who spotted it! You were going too far to the left, and would have completely missed it.
RED: And you wouldn't have seen it if I wasn't pointing a laser in your face. So, we can all agree that it's thanks to my cunning that we found our house.
PURPLE: (Freezes and has no more interest in continuing the argument.) That's not our house. This one is composed of SNACKS!
(Eagerly, the two float over to it. Red leaps up on the short roof and begins eating gumdrops and the frosting which holds the house together. Purple contents himself with ripping out a sugar window pain and crunching into it.)
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Who's out there?! What naughty little children are eating my house?
PURPLE: Leave us be to eat our snacks. We are taller than you, and you have no business asking us such rude and impolite questions!
(Ms. Bitters slithers out the front door in the form of a shadow. She takes on her true form again right next to Purple, gritting her teeth angrily.) PURPLE: (Measuring them both his eyes) Oh, I guess you do have the right to ask such questions. You are as tall as us. What do you want?
MS. BITTERS: I want to ask you to stop eating my poor house. Children from the world over always end up here some way or another and try to eat my house and blame their misfortunes on me. Would you like to come in so I can go with the standard routine and cook you for dinner?
RED: (Shrugging) Ah, well. It's not like we were going to get back to civilization anytime soon anyway.
(They both follow Ms. Bitters inside the house. It has a single room with a bed fit to her, a small, round table and a huge oven.)
MS. BITTERS: All right, which of you pathetically tall children wants to be cooked first. Whichever one of you it is will have less time to think over their fates, and, therefore, will have be less worse off. You are both doomed anyway.
(Red goes first, hopping voluntarily into the oven before Purple has a chance to even take a step. He begins to burn in the hot fires, sending shrieks of pain out of the ovens. Purple shudders.)
MS. BITTERS: Isn't the Narrator supposed to speak now? I think his line is the next one.
(They both look to the Narrator, who has fallen asleep in the forest outside. Ms. Bitters growls, Purple's eyes go wide at the spectacle of sleep, and Red continues to scream inside the oven. As they stare, the Narrator slowly fades away, replaced with Professor Membrane.)
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Yes, my displacement beam worked! I was successfully able to trade places with our dear, annoying Narrator. This invention can save mankind from its inevitable doom when Dib takes over the Membrane Empire!
PURPLE: Mr. Smart Inventor, you really ought to use your intelligence to save Re-, er, Ha-, er, Grettel, from the fires. My little sister is counting on you!
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Ah, yes. (He pulls the displacement beam, a small remote control, from his pocket and taps a big, red button in the center. Ms. Bitters and Red trade places.) There we go, order has been returned to the fairy tale. Let's go home.
(Purple and Membrane walk into the forest, with a burnt and smoking Red staggering behind them.)
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All right, perhaps it's not as good as I could have written it.... You'd think so many months would be time for a really good story. Just goes to show that reason isn't always right. Either way, here's the story and coming soon (everyone laugh at this part, it's the only funny part here) will be the rendition of Cinderella
Disclaimer: I still don't own Zim or the fairy tales. I DO own my outrage at Nickelodeon for not showing the Christmas episode yesterday. They make me so mad that I want to set my Ice Wolves on them. I do own the Ice Wolves, but they previously belonged to Long Live Zim (read her stuff, though she hasn't updated in forever, it's really funny!).
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~or~
Red and Purple
(The scene opens with the Narrator standing in front of an old cottage)
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, a poor woodcutter, his wife, and his two children, Hansel and Grettel, lived on the edge of a large forest. They never had much to live on, and once, when there was a famine, the woodcutter couldn't provide for his family. Our tale begins on a dark night when the woodcutter couldn't even sleep and talked to his wife instead.
(Cut to the bedroom of the woodcutter and his wife. We see a close-up of Professor Membrane's face as he lies above the blankets.)
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: What's to become of us, wife? How are we to support our poor children, now that we have nothing more for ourselves?"
(We now see the whole bed, and no one else is in . Professor Membrane sits up, a look we can only assume is surprise on his face)
NARRATOR: Where is Gaz? Wasn't she supposed to play the wife?
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Hmm... (Puts his hand on his chin thoughtfully) I believe that I remember her saying something about hating to always play the wife. She was really against coming tonight, so I didn't force her to.
NARRATOR: Well then.... Why didn't you say anything before. Wait, that doesn't matter. Who else is here. (Calls backstage) We need someone to play the wife!
PURPLE: (Sticking his head out from backstage. He is wearing a lot of make-up) Hey, you can't make me play the wife and Grettel! Get Purple!
RED: (Also sticking his head out) I heard that! You can't make me play the wife because I'm too busy playing Hansel!
PURPLE: You can't play Hansel! I wanted to play Hansel!
RED: I'm sorry, I didn't lose the snack-contest last week! Since I won, I get to play Hansel!
PURPLE: But I was already full of other snacks from earlier!
(Zim pokes his head out. He looks at the Narrator with an ambitious look.)
ZIM: I believe I just heard you say that you needed another someone. Do I get to play Hansel or the Witch? NARRATOR: (Looking thoughtful) Yes, it's something like that.... You'll find the costume in your dressing room. (Makes a hand motion to a stage hand)
(A few minutes later, Zim steps out into the bedroom in a peasant's dress, a bright yellow wig, and a scowl)
ZIM: The woodcutter's WIFE! You make me, the powerful ZIM, play the pathetic role of the woodcutter's wife! You will pay big for this, Narrator-Man! Prepare to suffer the wrath of the mighty Irken Zi-
PURPLE: Just get out there and play the part, Zim! If you convince us that you are a grand actor, we shall give you an army of battleships!
(The two tallest snigger backstage while Zim, looking delighted, runs onstage and sits on the bed)
ZIM: I've been practicing to be an actor all my life! (Clears his throat and puts on a feminine voice) I shall tell you what, husband. Early tomorrow morning, we'll take the children out into the thickest part of the wood. There we shall light a fire for them and gives them each a piece of bread. Then we go about our work as usual and leave them there alone. They won't be able to find their way home and we'll be rid of them forever!
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Yes, wife that is a wonderful idea. Now, we must sleep.
NARRATOR: And thus, the next morning, they set out on their way into the woods. Hansel and Grettel, who had overheard their parents talking the night before, were worried to death.
The scene changes to that of a forest in morning light. A disgruntled yet determined Zim and the emotionless Professor lead the other two into the trees.
PURPLE: Why do I have to be Grettel? I am the Almighty Tallest and shouldn't be made to play a woman!
RED: Just shut up and play the part. I'm tall too, maybe even a little taller than you, and I won the contest.
PURPLE: It always goes back to the contest with you! Fine! (Clearing his throat, Purple puts on a shrill, high-pitched voice) Hansel, I'm scared! How are we going to escape whatever lasers await us in the forest?
RED: Don't worry, my superior intelligence led me outside last night, where I filled my pockets with these bright little pebbles. (He pulls three, white, tiny pebbles out of the top stripe pocket on his waist. Cautiously, looking at Zim as though they were trying to plan something behind his back, he hands two to Purple and drops the last one. They shine in the moonlight and will lead us home.
PURPLE: Ooh, they're pretty. (Curiously, he pops one into his mouth and bites down on it. A crunching of teeth is heard and he spits it back out. Red gives him an annoyed look, and he shrugs in return.) Pretty things are usually nice to eat. I'm hungry, can you blame me?
NARRATOR: And so they went on, Hansel turning back to look at their house every now and then. Eventually, the Woodcutter's wife began to grow suspicious of this.
ZIM: Yes, my Tallest, er, I mean, my son, what are you doing, looking back at our house.
RED: (Smiling craftily) Oh, I am looking back at my white kitten, which is sitting on the roof, waving good-bye.
ZIM: (Dropping his high-pitched voice) You do not have a cat! I doubt you even know what a cat is! That would only be the accursed Earth sun shining over the chimney.
NARRATOR: But Hansel continued to look back and drop the pebbles on the ground. It was noon when they reached the middle of the forest, and when they got to a little meadow, the father gave his instructions to the children.
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Now, children, go and fetch me some wood so that I may light a fire for you. You don't want to feel cold, do you?
(Red knocks a small tree down with a laser, then commences to use Purple's head to break it in half. Pleased with himself, he lays the tree down in front of the professor.)
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: (Fiddles around in his pocket, searching for one of his inventions.) Great goodness! I've forgotten my electro-fire at home! So sorry, children, you don't get a fire today. Maybe next time.
NARRATOR: So the parents continued on into the forest, turning back and going home without their children. Red and Purple, however, remained in the grove until dark, cold and worried.
PURPLE: How dare they leave us behind? We, the Tallest!
RED: Do not worry, when the moon comes up, we'll be able to see the rocks and go back home.
PURPLE: We've been staring at the sky for two hours since it go dark. I think Earth lost its moon tonight.
RED: You know, I think you're right. (As he speaks, his stomach (or whatever is close to it) rumbles.) I'm hungry, let's go look for something to eat. I think the house is this way.
(They set off into the forest, unknowingly going the way opposite their house.)
NARRATOR: They walked all through the night, constantly arguing about which way was the right way to go. Morning came, Hansel used his laser on Grettel in annoyance. It was midday when Grettel, with one eye still closed in pain, spotted the house.
RED: Aha! I told you we were going the right way all along!
PURPLE: But I'm the one who spotted it! You were going too far to the left, and would have completely missed it.
RED: And you wouldn't have seen it if I wasn't pointing a laser in your face. So, we can all agree that it's thanks to my cunning that we found our house.
PURPLE: (Freezes and has no more interest in continuing the argument.) That's not our house. This one is composed of SNACKS!
(Eagerly, the two float over to it. Red leaps up on the short roof and begins eating gumdrops and the frosting which holds the house together. Purple contents himself with ripping out a sugar window pain and crunching into it.)
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Who's out there?! What naughty little children are eating my house?
PURPLE: Leave us be to eat our snacks. We are taller than you, and you have no business asking us such rude and impolite questions!
(Ms. Bitters slithers out the front door in the form of a shadow. She takes on her true form again right next to Purple, gritting her teeth angrily.) PURPLE: (Measuring them both his eyes) Oh, I guess you do have the right to ask such questions. You are as tall as us. What do you want?
MS. BITTERS: I want to ask you to stop eating my poor house. Children from the world over always end up here some way or another and try to eat my house and blame their misfortunes on me. Would you like to come in so I can go with the standard routine and cook you for dinner?
RED: (Shrugging) Ah, well. It's not like we were going to get back to civilization anytime soon anyway.
(They both follow Ms. Bitters inside the house. It has a single room with a bed fit to her, a small, round table and a huge oven.)
MS. BITTERS: All right, which of you pathetically tall children wants to be cooked first. Whichever one of you it is will have less time to think over their fates, and, therefore, will have be less worse off. You are both doomed anyway.
(Red goes first, hopping voluntarily into the oven before Purple has a chance to even take a step. He begins to burn in the hot fires, sending shrieks of pain out of the ovens. Purple shudders.)
MS. BITTERS: Isn't the Narrator supposed to speak now? I think his line is the next one.
(They both look to the Narrator, who has fallen asleep in the forest outside. Ms. Bitters growls, Purple's eyes go wide at the spectacle of sleep, and Red continues to scream inside the oven. As they stare, the Narrator slowly fades away, replaced with Professor Membrane.)
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Yes, my displacement beam worked! I was successfully able to trade places with our dear, annoying Narrator. This invention can save mankind from its inevitable doom when Dib takes over the Membrane Empire!
PURPLE: Mr. Smart Inventor, you really ought to use your intelligence to save Re-, er, Ha-, er, Grettel, from the fires. My little sister is counting on you!
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Ah, yes. (He pulls the displacement beam, a small remote control, from his pocket and taps a big, red button in the center. Ms. Bitters and Red trade places.) There we go, order has been returned to the fairy tale. Let's go home.
(Purple and Membrane walk into the forest, with a burnt and smoking Red staggering behind them.)
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All right, perhaps it's not as good as I could have written it.... You'd think so many months would be time for a really good story. Just goes to show that reason isn't always right. Either way, here's the story and coming soon (everyone laugh at this part, it's the only funny part here) will be the rendition of Cinderella