Of Gold in Silver Seas Chapter 7 (it is chapter 7, right?)
In which Rai must make her final decision.
LAST CHAPTER!
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"So it was all a test then, was it?" Rai said, incredulous. She paced around the room, her staff thwacking the floor in an aggressive rhythm.
"Yes," Gandalf said slowly. "and no."
Rai stopped. "What do you mean, yes and no? I want a straightforward answer, Gandalf. I want to know whether my prancing around Middle Earth learning the ways of the Istari is someone else's game. Am I just a pawn?"
Gandalf looked at her gravely. "I do not wish to be spoken to that way, Sunrai. Patience, and some silence, and I will answer your question."
Rai grumbled and resumed pacing, but set her staff aside. She went to the window and looked out. The lights of Hobbiton glowed cheerily in the dark, and sounds of merriment were thick in the summer's air.
They were at Bag End, the house empty aside from them. Frodo had gone down to see Merry and Pippin and Sam. Pippin had recovered quite a bit from the shock, but he would still glance around suspiciously when Rai was around. The wizard found this sort of hurtful. She regretted coming to the Shire in the first place. She was still gloomy, and that made her snappish.
She turned away from the window. "Please, Gandalf. I don't understand."
Gandalf smiled. It was not so long ago, in this exact house, when Frodo had said the same thing to him. Gandalf had told Frodo that neither he understood. But now, he did.
"The creature you slew," Gandalf began slowly, "was not a creature of flesh and blood, nor of fire, as you may think. It was not created from any evil this world has known."
"Then … then what was it?" Rai asked.
Gandalf sighed. "It was a embodiment of your own fear. Ever since that fire in your hometown, your own fear has been haunting you. And since you have Maiar blood, such a powerful fear is able to take living form. That fear has been haunting you too long. It haunted your dreams – it haunted your dreams so much its very image was burned into your eyes."
Rai blinked her crimson eyes, speechless.
"So in one way, yes, you could say it was a test. A test to see whether you could conquer your fear in such a desperate situation. And it was a fortunate thing that you did, or else that young hobbit might not still be with us. I think it is fair to say that you have past your test."
Somehow Rai did not find these words comforting. In truth, she felt as if she were being torn up inside.
"But what good was this test, then, Gandalf? I used the spell I was forbidden to, I put the Halflings in danger …" She choked on her words, and fell into a chair. "Gandalf … now it comes to it … I don't know if I want to leave … I don't know if I even can leave …"
Gandalf sighed heavily. "You are always welcome to come with me Sunrai, but I cannot decide your place in this world. Only you can decide your true path. Let fate be your guide, but always remember that wherever the road leads, you will never be alone."
* * *
The winds blew a grey fog onto the land, a swirling mist, but they found their way nonetheless, through forest and paths. They rode in silence, for this was the last stretch of their journey, and if one strained their eyes hard enough, they could maybe catch a glimpse of the shimmering sea to the West.
Elrond and Galadriel rode with them, and many Elves of High Kindred. Halflings were also with them : Bilbo, and Frodo and Sam. Gandalf rode up front with the Elves, but Rai stayed behind the company, lost in her own thoughts. She thought she had made her decision, but whenever she thought of reconsidering, the other alternative always seemed the better.
At last the sea was visible through the fog; the large boats with the shimmering white sails in the calm water, beached in the cool silver sand. Everything around them seemed to be a sort of grey or white.
The company dismounted, and as the hobbits climbed down from their rides, two other ponies came galloping up the sand banks. Merry and Pippin slid off in great haste.
Rai watched from the shadows as Frodo said his farewells to Merry and Pippin, and last of all Sam, and as he made his was to the boats, Gandalf appeared next to him. He said something to the Halflings, then turned to Rai. He did not need to speak; she knew what he meant.
She stepped up past the hobbits and looked him in the eyes. Then she took a great, shaky breath, and spoke.
"Gandalf," she said. "Mithrandir. I would follow you to the ends of the earth, as your apprentice, as your pupil, as your friend; you know that. But now … " She looked at the boats. "But now … I think I find … I may have been wrong about leaving." She looked at the hobbits. "I want to be here to help them. I want to be a part of Middle Earth. I know the Elves are leaving; but maybe if I stay here, there can still be someone to keep the leaves of Lothlorien gold, and to help the flowers of the Shire grow ..." She closed her eyes. "My place is here."
Gandalf looked at her with the utmost understanding, but there was a sadness in his eyes. "Then you shall stay here, Sunrai the Silver, to make the lands of this world ever green, and when you do decide to pass on, and become a memory and no more, then I shall be waiting for you."
They embraced briefly, and she did so with a few other elves that she knew as well, and even with the Halflings. And she stayed; she stayed with Merry and Pippin and Sam as the last, faint glitter of the boats vanished into the west, to the Undying Lands. As the fog began to crawl back in towards the shore, the only thing visible from the boats was the faint glitter of her staff and her crimson eyes, wet with tears. She closed them.
"Vanya sulie, Mithrandir," she said. "Fair winds."
As the turned, one by one, away from the waters, Rai opened her eyes and looked at them one last time. And this time, her eyes were not crimson; they were a beautiful and delicate silver, shimmering against the white of the sea.
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The end