Chapter 10
Emma stared through Captain Newman's office window at Steve who had just returned from court. He hadn't said much but, from the little he had said, Emma gathered his testimony hadn't gone well. That concerned her greatly. Steve was typically a prosecutor's dream witness as he rarely got rattled on the stand. He could've been having a bad day, Emma rationalized, but she had a strong feeling he was teetering precariously close to the edge of a meltdown. Sighing, she turned back to face her commanding officer.
"At least let me be the one to tell him."
Captain Newman hesitated for a moment then nodded his assent. Opening the office door she called to Steve and asked him to join them. Wearily he rose and made his way across the room. Emma shut the door behind him and motioned for him to take a seat. Drawing a breath, she turned to face him.
"Steve, I'm sorry to have to tell you this but," Emma paused searching for the right words, "we're going to have to move Carol's case from active to open. We've reached a dead end on all the leads we had and haven't had anything new in days."
"I understand," he replied, dully. "I'm surprised you waited this long."
"I kept hoping something would pan out and we'd catch a break. Everybody has worked really hard to get this guy, but we just didn't have enough to go on."
"Everyone has been instructed to keep the pressure on their snitches," Captain Newman added. "The media attention was too intense and somebody out there knows something. We just have to find the right person."
Steve felt detached from the conversation as if he were an observer to it rather than one of the principle participants. Instead of the anger he had expected to feel upon receiving this inevitable news, he felt curiously numb and empty. The only thought that kept running through his head was how even in death he'd failed Carol by not being able to catch the person responsible for her murder. Reaching in his pocket he took out his badge, took his gun from his waist and laid them both on Captain Newman's desk.
"What are you doing?" Emma asked, a sinking feeling in her stomach.
"Turning them in. Consider this my resignation." Steve started for the door. "You can mail me whatever I need to sign."
"I won't accept this," said Captain Newman.
"I don't care. I'm not coming back."
"Steve, have you thought this through completely? This isn't the best time for you to be making this kind of decision. You've experienced a huge trauma."
"I know what I've been through. I lived it. I'm still living it every single day."
"And that's why I think this isn't a good idea. You're not thinking clearly. No one would be in your position. Maybe I let you come back too soon. You need to grieve and you haven't let yourself do that yet. When you do, maybe you'll be ready to come back to work." Captain Newman picked up Steve's badge. "In the meantime, I'll hang on to this. We'll tap the vacation and sick time you've got banked and that should buy us a few weeks time. After it's gone, if you still want to resign, I won't stop you."
"It's a waste of time," Steve said, impatiently.
"Let me be the judge of that."
With a final shake of his head Steve walked out of the office and the precinct. Emma sighed wearily. "Do you really think he'll come back?"
Captain Newman considered her question a moment before answering. "If this was just another case, I'd say after a few days to put everything in perspective he'd be back. But it's personal this time, and I don't know if even a few months will be enough time for him to recover."
***************
Steve was relieved to see his father's car absent from its usual spot in the driveway when he got home. He wasn't quite ready to face him with the news of the status change of Carol's case. He also wasn't sure how he'd explain his impulsive decision to resign from the force. Steve had always tried so hard to live up to his father's expectations, but this time he knew he'd fallen way short. His father had trusted him to find the person responsible and he'd failed. Somehow he'd have to find a way to live with that disappointment.
Steve contemplated going for a run or taking his dirt bike out on some nearby trails but couldn't muster up the energy to do either. Lost in his own thoughts, he was unaware of the car pulling into the driveway. It wasn't until Emma appeared next to him on the deck that he even realized he wasn't alone anymore.
"If you came to try and talk me out of resigning, you're wasting your time."
"I didn't. I know your mind is made up. I just came to make sure you were all right." Emma removed her sunglasses. "I've been worried about you. When's the last time you slept?"
"I don't know. I'm afraid to close my eyes," Steve admitted. "When I go to sleep, the dream comes." "What dream?"
"Seeing Carol in the alley. Lying in the trash."
Emma winced. What a horrible image that would be to have to live with for the rest of your life, she thought. "Have you talked to anybody about it?"
"I finally decided to see the department shrink."
At least he's seeing someone, Emma thought in relief. Aloud she asked, "What about your dad? Have you talked to him?" Emma noticed Steve avoided meeting her eyes. "Have you told him about what you saw? Does he even know about the nightmares? About how much pain you're in?"
"He keeps giving me these looks so he suspects something is wrong. He probably even knows its nightmares, but I haven't told him what they're about." Emma sighed in frustration. "I thought about telling him, even started to a couple of times, but then figured it wasn't worth it. Do you know what that would do to him?" Steve defended himself. "Anyway how am I supposed to tell him something so awful? It's not exactly something I can bring up over breakfast. Morning Dad," he mocked. "Coffee's fresh, I brought the paper in and oh, by the way, I was the one who identified Carol in the alley while she was still lying in the trash."
Emma and Steve both whirled around at the sound of glass shattering behind them. Mark was standing in the doorway. From the look on his face, a mixture of anguish, shock and revulsion, it was obvious he'd overheard the last part of Steve's conversation with Emma.
His own look horrified, Steve started toward him. "Dad."
Mark backed away from Steve and Emma seemingly unaware of the puddle of glass and iced tea at his feet. Steve couldn't quite make out the emotion flickering in his father's glassy eyes, but he felt the sharp sting of his father's rejection when Mark rebuffed his advance. Turning on his heel, Steve disappeared down the deck steps without a word.
"Steve, wait," Emma implored, but he didn't look back. A moment later she heard his truck start and pull out of the driveway.
Stunned at the sudden turn of events, Emma looked back at Mark. He was gripping the doorway for support and it appeared he hadn't moved much farther than the few steps back he'd taken initially. Releasing the doorway he swayed and Emma jumped forward to keep him from collapsing. She guided Mark over to the sofa at a loss at what to do next. Steve was usually the one to hover over his dad and make sure everything was okay if there was a problem. In his absence, Emma did the only thing she could think of. She called Community General Hospital and asked to speak with Jesse.
A moment later he answered his page. "This is Doctor Travis."
"This is Emma Lopez. I'm at the beach house and I'm really worried about Doctor Sloan. Steve isn't here."
"What's wrong with Mark? Is he sick? Bleeding? Does he need an ambulance?"
"He's had a horrible shock and he's unresponsive. Conscious," she clarified quickly hearing Jesse's quick indrawn breath, "but his eyes are glassy and his breathing is shallow."
"Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can. If his condition changes call an ambulance and me on my cell. Mark has the number by the phone on his desk."
Mark's condition had changed very little by the time Jesse arrived about forty minutes later. His pasty skin color and glazed look concerned Jesse greatly. Reaching to take Mark's pulse, he looked at Emma.
"You said he had a shock. What happened?"
"Steve and I were on the deck talking, and Doctor Sloan overheard a part that Steve hadn't intended him to."
"I thought you said Steve wasn't here."
"He's not anymore. When Steve realized his dad was standing in the doorway and had heard what we were talking about, he tried to go to him, but it was obvious that Doctor Sloan had already 'checked out' so to speak. Doctor Sloan backed away from Steve, and I guess Steve interpreted that as a rejection. He turned and walked off the deck, got in his truck and drove away."
The sound of voices seemed to penetrate Mark's fog. He began to stir, causing Jesse to momentarily forget about asking Emma what Steve hadn't wanted Mark to overhear. Sitting directly across from Mark, Jesse forced him to make eye contact. "Mark, can you hear me?"
"Steve?" With an effort, Mark shook himself from his daze and looked around. "Steve?"
"He's not here, Mark."
Mark looked at Emma. "Where'd he go?"
"I don't know," she admitted.
"What he said on the deck? Is that true? Did he.was he.?" Mark couldn't go on.
Emma nodded. "It's true," she confirmed. "I thought he'd told you but I guess it doesn't really surprise me that he hadn't said anything."
Mark shook his head. "I had no idea. But it explains so much. The nightmares, the irritability, his behavior in general."
Jesse could keep silent no longer. "What are you talking about?"
Mark looked at Jesse. "Steve wasn't seeing Carol for the first time in the morgue. He'd already seen her in the alley, in the trash. He never told me. Just led me to believe that he'd already been to the morgue and made the identification before he came home to tell me."
Jesse's mouth dropped open but for once no sound came out. "Wow," he finally managed. "Steve's been carrying quite a load these past few months."
"Then he didn't tell you either?"
"No. But you're right, knowing this does explain a lot about his behavior - the anxiety, the moodiness. I didn't know about the nightmares." Jesse blew out a breath. "Why does he always feel like he can't share anything with us?"
Despite the seriousness of the conversation, Mark smiled at the frustration in Jesse's voice. Always quick to let his feelings show, Jesse had been trying for years to get Steve to open up more and not keep everything bottled inside, but Steve still insisted on shouldering many burdens himself. Mark's smile faded and he ached for his son and the intense pain he must be carrying as a result of what he had seen. No one, no matter how strong, should have had to see what he saw in the alley that day.
Emma closed her phone. "I just tried his cell. He's not answering."
"I'll try paging him," Jesse said, going to the phone on the desk.
When they got no response after five minutes, Emma shook her head. "Either he turned it off or he's ignoring it."
"Isn't he still on duty?"
Suddenly, Emma couldn't make eye contact with Mark. He immediately sensed she knew something else she wasn't telling him. "Emma, what's going on?"
Emma sighed. "You'll find out soon enough I suppose. Carol's case was moved from active to the open file today."
"How did Steve take it?" Jesse asked.
"Better than I thought he would," Emma admitted. "I expected him to be angry, but he was actually pretty calm almost too calm. I could've been giving him a weather report for as much emotion he showed."
"His defense mechanisms kicked in," Mark said. "He's hurting. When he's too calm, that usually means trouble is on the horizon."
"You know your son too well. He resigned on the spot. Left his badge and gun with Captain Newman and walked out of the station."
Mark ran his fingers through this hair and tried to think calmly. That was hard to do with the sudden realization of how much emotional pain Steve was in. What was it about death in their family that caused them to drift so far apart from their usual, strong relationship? Once again, despite all the promises he had made to himself in the hours after learning of Carol's death, Mark had not been there for his son. However, he had a feeling that this time, in some misguided attempt to protect him, Steve had been the one to impose the distance so he wouldn't have to share the horror of what he'd seen and the subsequent nightmare it was causing.
Jesse checked his watch. "I left another doctor covering for me so I have to get back to the hospital. Is there anything I can do? Any place you want me to check on my way to see if I can find him?"
"No you go ahead, Jesse. Right now all I can do is wait him out. Steve needs time to sort things through and he'll come home when he's ready. Besides there are a dozen different places he might be and chances are he'll go from place to place so we'd run the risk of missing him. We just need to let him do this on his own terms."
"I'll have dispatch broadcast a description of Steve's truck so the patrol cars can unofficially keep an eye out for him. If they see him, they'll report his location but won't pull him over unless it seems like he's in no shape to be driving. I can let you know what I hear."
"Thanks, Emma. I'd appreciate that."
"Okay, I've got to hit the road. I'll be in touch. And if he calls or comes home, you let me know."
"I will," Mark promised. "And I'll call you too, Jesse."
Following Emma and Jesse to the door, he watched until they were both out of sight. Closing and locking the door, Mark crossed to the windows that overlooked the ocean. His mind was whirling and he stepped out onto the deck to breathe in some of the tangy sea air hoping it would calm him. Come home Steve, he thought desperately. Please come home so we can work this out.
Emma stared through Captain Newman's office window at Steve who had just returned from court. He hadn't said much but, from the little he had said, Emma gathered his testimony hadn't gone well. That concerned her greatly. Steve was typically a prosecutor's dream witness as he rarely got rattled on the stand. He could've been having a bad day, Emma rationalized, but she had a strong feeling he was teetering precariously close to the edge of a meltdown. Sighing, she turned back to face her commanding officer.
"At least let me be the one to tell him."
Captain Newman hesitated for a moment then nodded his assent. Opening the office door she called to Steve and asked him to join them. Wearily he rose and made his way across the room. Emma shut the door behind him and motioned for him to take a seat. Drawing a breath, she turned to face him.
"Steve, I'm sorry to have to tell you this but," Emma paused searching for the right words, "we're going to have to move Carol's case from active to open. We've reached a dead end on all the leads we had and haven't had anything new in days."
"I understand," he replied, dully. "I'm surprised you waited this long."
"I kept hoping something would pan out and we'd catch a break. Everybody has worked really hard to get this guy, but we just didn't have enough to go on."
"Everyone has been instructed to keep the pressure on their snitches," Captain Newman added. "The media attention was too intense and somebody out there knows something. We just have to find the right person."
Steve felt detached from the conversation as if he were an observer to it rather than one of the principle participants. Instead of the anger he had expected to feel upon receiving this inevitable news, he felt curiously numb and empty. The only thought that kept running through his head was how even in death he'd failed Carol by not being able to catch the person responsible for her murder. Reaching in his pocket he took out his badge, took his gun from his waist and laid them both on Captain Newman's desk.
"What are you doing?" Emma asked, a sinking feeling in her stomach.
"Turning them in. Consider this my resignation." Steve started for the door. "You can mail me whatever I need to sign."
"I won't accept this," said Captain Newman.
"I don't care. I'm not coming back."
"Steve, have you thought this through completely? This isn't the best time for you to be making this kind of decision. You've experienced a huge trauma."
"I know what I've been through. I lived it. I'm still living it every single day."
"And that's why I think this isn't a good idea. You're not thinking clearly. No one would be in your position. Maybe I let you come back too soon. You need to grieve and you haven't let yourself do that yet. When you do, maybe you'll be ready to come back to work." Captain Newman picked up Steve's badge. "In the meantime, I'll hang on to this. We'll tap the vacation and sick time you've got banked and that should buy us a few weeks time. After it's gone, if you still want to resign, I won't stop you."
"It's a waste of time," Steve said, impatiently.
"Let me be the judge of that."
With a final shake of his head Steve walked out of the office and the precinct. Emma sighed wearily. "Do you really think he'll come back?"
Captain Newman considered her question a moment before answering. "If this was just another case, I'd say after a few days to put everything in perspective he'd be back. But it's personal this time, and I don't know if even a few months will be enough time for him to recover."
***************
Steve was relieved to see his father's car absent from its usual spot in the driveway when he got home. He wasn't quite ready to face him with the news of the status change of Carol's case. He also wasn't sure how he'd explain his impulsive decision to resign from the force. Steve had always tried so hard to live up to his father's expectations, but this time he knew he'd fallen way short. His father had trusted him to find the person responsible and he'd failed. Somehow he'd have to find a way to live with that disappointment.
Steve contemplated going for a run or taking his dirt bike out on some nearby trails but couldn't muster up the energy to do either. Lost in his own thoughts, he was unaware of the car pulling into the driveway. It wasn't until Emma appeared next to him on the deck that he even realized he wasn't alone anymore.
"If you came to try and talk me out of resigning, you're wasting your time."
"I didn't. I know your mind is made up. I just came to make sure you were all right." Emma removed her sunglasses. "I've been worried about you. When's the last time you slept?"
"I don't know. I'm afraid to close my eyes," Steve admitted. "When I go to sleep, the dream comes." "What dream?"
"Seeing Carol in the alley. Lying in the trash."
Emma winced. What a horrible image that would be to have to live with for the rest of your life, she thought. "Have you talked to anybody about it?"
"I finally decided to see the department shrink."
At least he's seeing someone, Emma thought in relief. Aloud she asked, "What about your dad? Have you talked to him?" Emma noticed Steve avoided meeting her eyes. "Have you told him about what you saw? Does he even know about the nightmares? About how much pain you're in?"
"He keeps giving me these looks so he suspects something is wrong. He probably even knows its nightmares, but I haven't told him what they're about." Emma sighed in frustration. "I thought about telling him, even started to a couple of times, but then figured it wasn't worth it. Do you know what that would do to him?" Steve defended himself. "Anyway how am I supposed to tell him something so awful? It's not exactly something I can bring up over breakfast. Morning Dad," he mocked. "Coffee's fresh, I brought the paper in and oh, by the way, I was the one who identified Carol in the alley while she was still lying in the trash."
Emma and Steve both whirled around at the sound of glass shattering behind them. Mark was standing in the doorway. From the look on his face, a mixture of anguish, shock and revulsion, it was obvious he'd overheard the last part of Steve's conversation with Emma.
His own look horrified, Steve started toward him. "Dad."
Mark backed away from Steve and Emma seemingly unaware of the puddle of glass and iced tea at his feet. Steve couldn't quite make out the emotion flickering in his father's glassy eyes, but he felt the sharp sting of his father's rejection when Mark rebuffed his advance. Turning on his heel, Steve disappeared down the deck steps without a word.
"Steve, wait," Emma implored, but he didn't look back. A moment later she heard his truck start and pull out of the driveway.
Stunned at the sudden turn of events, Emma looked back at Mark. He was gripping the doorway for support and it appeared he hadn't moved much farther than the few steps back he'd taken initially. Releasing the doorway he swayed and Emma jumped forward to keep him from collapsing. She guided Mark over to the sofa at a loss at what to do next. Steve was usually the one to hover over his dad and make sure everything was okay if there was a problem. In his absence, Emma did the only thing she could think of. She called Community General Hospital and asked to speak with Jesse.
A moment later he answered his page. "This is Doctor Travis."
"This is Emma Lopez. I'm at the beach house and I'm really worried about Doctor Sloan. Steve isn't here."
"What's wrong with Mark? Is he sick? Bleeding? Does he need an ambulance?"
"He's had a horrible shock and he's unresponsive. Conscious," she clarified quickly hearing Jesse's quick indrawn breath, "but his eyes are glassy and his breathing is shallow."
"Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can. If his condition changes call an ambulance and me on my cell. Mark has the number by the phone on his desk."
Mark's condition had changed very little by the time Jesse arrived about forty minutes later. His pasty skin color and glazed look concerned Jesse greatly. Reaching to take Mark's pulse, he looked at Emma.
"You said he had a shock. What happened?"
"Steve and I were on the deck talking, and Doctor Sloan overheard a part that Steve hadn't intended him to."
"I thought you said Steve wasn't here."
"He's not anymore. When Steve realized his dad was standing in the doorway and had heard what we were talking about, he tried to go to him, but it was obvious that Doctor Sloan had already 'checked out' so to speak. Doctor Sloan backed away from Steve, and I guess Steve interpreted that as a rejection. He turned and walked off the deck, got in his truck and drove away."
The sound of voices seemed to penetrate Mark's fog. He began to stir, causing Jesse to momentarily forget about asking Emma what Steve hadn't wanted Mark to overhear. Sitting directly across from Mark, Jesse forced him to make eye contact. "Mark, can you hear me?"
"Steve?" With an effort, Mark shook himself from his daze and looked around. "Steve?"
"He's not here, Mark."
Mark looked at Emma. "Where'd he go?"
"I don't know," she admitted.
"What he said on the deck? Is that true? Did he.was he.?" Mark couldn't go on.
Emma nodded. "It's true," she confirmed. "I thought he'd told you but I guess it doesn't really surprise me that he hadn't said anything."
Mark shook his head. "I had no idea. But it explains so much. The nightmares, the irritability, his behavior in general."
Jesse could keep silent no longer. "What are you talking about?"
Mark looked at Jesse. "Steve wasn't seeing Carol for the first time in the morgue. He'd already seen her in the alley, in the trash. He never told me. Just led me to believe that he'd already been to the morgue and made the identification before he came home to tell me."
Jesse's mouth dropped open but for once no sound came out. "Wow," he finally managed. "Steve's been carrying quite a load these past few months."
"Then he didn't tell you either?"
"No. But you're right, knowing this does explain a lot about his behavior - the anxiety, the moodiness. I didn't know about the nightmares." Jesse blew out a breath. "Why does he always feel like he can't share anything with us?"
Despite the seriousness of the conversation, Mark smiled at the frustration in Jesse's voice. Always quick to let his feelings show, Jesse had been trying for years to get Steve to open up more and not keep everything bottled inside, but Steve still insisted on shouldering many burdens himself. Mark's smile faded and he ached for his son and the intense pain he must be carrying as a result of what he had seen. No one, no matter how strong, should have had to see what he saw in the alley that day.
Emma closed her phone. "I just tried his cell. He's not answering."
"I'll try paging him," Jesse said, going to the phone on the desk.
When they got no response after five minutes, Emma shook her head. "Either he turned it off or he's ignoring it."
"Isn't he still on duty?"
Suddenly, Emma couldn't make eye contact with Mark. He immediately sensed she knew something else she wasn't telling him. "Emma, what's going on?"
Emma sighed. "You'll find out soon enough I suppose. Carol's case was moved from active to the open file today."
"How did Steve take it?" Jesse asked.
"Better than I thought he would," Emma admitted. "I expected him to be angry, but he was actually pretty calm almost too calm. I could've been giving him a weather report for as much emotion he showed."
"His defense mechanisms kicked in," Mark said. "He's hurting. When he's too calm, that usually means trouble is on the horizon."
"You know your son too well. He resigned on the spot. Left his badge and gun with Captain Newman and walked out of the station."
Mark ran his fingers through this hair and tried to think calmly. That was hard to do with the sudden realization of how much emotional pain Steve was in. What was it about death in their family that caused them to drift so far apart from their usual, strong relationship? Once again, despite all the promises he had made to himself in the hours after learning of Carol's death, Mark had not been there for his son. However, he had a feeling that this time, in some misguided attempt to protect him, Steve had been the one to impose the distance so he wouldn't have to share the horror of what he'd seen and the subsequent nightmare it was causing.
Jesse checked his watch. "I left another doctor covering for me so I have to get back to the hospital. Is there anything I can do? Any place you want me to check on my way to see if I can find him?"
"No you go ahead, Jesse. Right now all I can do is wait him out. Steve needs time to sort things through and he'll come home when he's ready. Besides there are a dozen different places he might be and chances are he'll go from place to place so we'd run the risk of missing him. We just need to let him do this on his own terms."
"I'll have dispatch broadcast a description of Steve's truck so the patrol cars can unofficially keep an eye out for him. If they see him, they'll report his location but won't pull him over unless it seems like he's in no shape to be driving. I can let you know what I hear."
"Thanks, Emma. I'd appreciate that."
"Okay, I've got to hit the road. I'll be in touch. And if he calls or comes home, you let me know."
"I will," Mark promised. "And I'll call you too, Jesse."
Following Emma and Jesse to the door, he watched until they were both out of sight. Closing and locking the door, Mark crossed to the windows that overlooked the ocean. His mind was whirling and he stepped out onto the deck to breathe in some of the tangy sea air hoping it would calm him. Come home Steve, he thought desperately. Please come home so we can work this out.