Chapter 12
Amanda sat at the kitchen counter toying absently with her empty coffee mug. The morning paper she had slipped out the back and around the front to get hoping it would distract her sat untouched in front of her. The shouting from her living room had long since stopped and she could hear nothing but the occasional murmur of her friend's voices. Anxiously she looked at the clock. Mark and Steve had been talking for a long time. She could only hope it meant they were making progress. Sighing, Amanda got up to refill her mug. When she heard the door open she swung around, encouraged by the fact that both Mark and Steve were entering the kitchen. Her unspoken question hung in the air.
"We're going to be okay," Mark told her.
Amanda let out a breath she hadn't even realized she'd been holding and rushed to hug them both. "I'm so relieved," she whispered, fervently.
Her comment made Steve realize just how hard the past weeks had been on her and probably Jesse too. "You can stop worrying. The road to self- destruction is closed. Permanently."
"Good. I'm glad to hear it. I was so worried."
"I guess I probably had everybody worried with my behavior. I know there'll still be bad days, but I'm beginning to realize I don't have to go through them alone."
"I'll be there. Jesse, too," Amanda promised.
"And you'll keep seeing the department psychiatrist?"
Steve shot his father a startled look. He hadn't told anyone about his appointment with the doctor. Then he remembered he'd told Emma when they'd been out on the deck the day before. Either she had mentioned it or his dad had been standing in the doorway far longer than Steve had originally thought.
"I guess Captain Newman did me a favor by not accepting my resignation and insisting I use vacation and sick time. This way I'm still employed and can make another appointment."
Amanda smiled. "I don't know about you, but I'm starved."
Steve realized that for the first time in weeks he was actually hungry and the mere mention of food didn't make his stomach churn. "You're offering to cook?" he asked, skeptically.
"For your information, I can handle breakfast."
Mark decided it would be better to intervene before this argument got out of hand. "We know you're quite capable Amanda, but how about if I whip up a bunch of pancakes? You go call Jesse and see if he wants to join us." "Didn't he work a late shift last night?"
"He was supposed to be done around midnight," Amanda replied. "I have a hard time believing Jesse would pass up a chance at breakfast."
It was a grumpy Jesse who answered his phone, clearly unhappy at having his sleep disturbed and Amanda couldn't resist the opportunity to tease her normally cheerful friend about his disposition. It only took a moment for her to realize that he wasn't appreciating her attempt at humor so she got right to the point of her call. By the time she had finished her brief explanation and extended the breakfast invitation, Jesse was somewhat placated and promised to be over as soon as he had grabbed a quick shower and got dressed.
When Steve answered the door to admit Jesse a short while later, the young doctor took a moment to assess his best friend. Steve had clearly lost weight and still had lines of exhaustion etched in his face, but the biggest difference Jesse noticed was in his eyes. Although shadows of grief remained, Steve's blue eyes were clear, no longer dulled by his intense anger and despair. It had been that hopelessness that had made Jesse so afraid for his friend's mental health.
Steve motioned him inside and by way of greeting said, "You don't look so great."
"You mean two hours of sleep isn't enough to restore my natural beauty?" Jesse asked, sarcastically. Silently, Steve raised an eyebrow and Jesse realized how he must've sounded. "Sorry, it was a rough night after I got back to the ER. Two fatalities along with all the usual stuff."
Steve knew those fatalities must've been bad to have that profound of an affect on Jesse. "Need to get it off your chest?"
"Both were young and both were preventable. An eleven year old found her mother's handgun and ended up shooting herself in the chest."
Unconsciously Steve rubbed the scar on his chest. He had first hand knowledge of the damage a bullet to the chest could do. He also knew it was nothing short of a miracle for him to be alive to talk about it.
"She made it to the ER, but we lost her before we could get her to surgery. We just get that cleaned up and a drowning victim comes in. A four-year- old girl somehow ended up face down in the backyard swimming pool. We vented her but the neurologist declared her brain dead. There was nothing else we could do except ask the parents if they'd consider donating her organs."
"What did they say?"
"They weren't sure. And who could blame them? They just lost their little girl and I'm asking them to make a major decision about donating her organs."
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Jesse," Mark counseled. "Organ donation isn't a simple subject under the best of circumstances. Did someone call Claudia?"
Jesse nodded. "She had gone home but she came back to talk with the family."
"Was she able to convince them to do it?"
"Yes. She was amazing to watch. She answered all their questions and let them take as long as they needed. When they decided to go ahead and do it, she even offered to stay with them during the surgery. Her husband is out of town and she'd left her kids home alone so I thought she better get home to them. She didn't want to leave but I told her I'd sit with the parents. It was after two by the time I left the hospital and I was too wound up to sleep so I took a drive up the coast to look at the ocean and clear my head. I'd only been in bed a couple of hours when Amanda called."
"Well then," Amada said, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, "let's get you some coffee."
"And pancakes?" Jesse asked hopefully.
"Just another couple of minutes."
"Who's Claudia? Do I know her?" Steve knew many people on staff at CG but that name was unfamiliar.
"She's a peds nurse so you probably haven't met her. She also works as a liaison between the hospital and the organ procurement center. If people are undecided about donating a family member's organs, we call her. She has this calm and soothing personality and people just seem to respond to her."
"Have you ever seen her lose her temper?" Jesse asked.
"Does she even have a temper? Claudia always seems to have infinite amounts of patience."
"I've seen doctors back down when she gets mad. You do not want to get on her bad side."
"I can't believe that," Mark said, shaking his head.
"It's true," Jesse insisted. At Steve's puzzled look, he elaborated, "Claudia's about five foot three, a hundred pounds with long blond hair. She could be a model she's so gorgeous, but under that china doll exterior is a spitfire. She's got a backbone of steel and will go toe to toe with anybody."
"Better watch it, Jess," Steve teased. "Sounds like she could whip you."
Jesse opened his mouth to retort but was distracted by the large plate of pancakes Mark sat in front of him. "Mmmm.just what the doctor ordered." Everyone laughed. Amanda put a pitcher of orange juice on the table and refilled their coffee mugs then took her seat. Conversation lagged as they all dug into the hearty breakfast Mark had fixed. Finally, as appetites were satisfied, the lull ended and they enjoyed another more leisurely cup of coffee and small talk.
As Steve listened to his father and best friends, he realized just how much he'd missed spending time with them. He understood now how wrong it had been for him to shut them out of his life at a time when he needed them the most. These three people knew him better than anyone else in the world, and he should've known they never would've judged him or looked down on him if he had shared his grief with them. Steve didn't know why they had stuck with him these last few weeks, putting up with his temper and moodiness, but he was so very grateful they had.
Amanda noticed Steve was awfully quiet and wasn't paying much attention to the conversation around him. His eyes gave nothing away so it was impossible to tell what he was thinking. She hoped he wasn't slipping back into his depression. They had worked too hard this morning to get to the root of his problems for that to happen. Gently, she reached out and touched his hand.
"Steve?"
Steve blinked. Looking up, he saw three faces staring back anxiously at him. "I'm sorry. I was a million miles away. Did you say something?"
"You're just so quiet. We don't want you to fall back into bad habits and withdraw from us."
Steve shook his head. "I was just thinking about the past few weeks and trying to figure out why you stuck with me through it all. I thought I had to be alone, that I didn't deserve any sympathy." Steve paused as he struggled to put his thoughts into words. At times like these, he wished he were more eloquent like his dad. Words came much easier to Mark than they did to him. "Despite my every effort to push you all away, you never gave up on me. You don't know how grateful I am for that. I hope I can be the same kind of friend to you."
The emotionally charged atmosphere was broken by the ringing of the telephone. It saved Steve from having to say anything else and effectively ended the conversation. Amanda gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze as she passed by him to answer it. Silently, the three men rose and started to clear the table. They had almost finished cleaning up the kitchen by the time Amanda finished her call.
"That was C.J. and Dion."
"Are they having fun at camp?"
"They were until I told them about having Mark's pancakes for breakfast. They were disappointed they missed them."
"I'll fix them again when they get home," Mark promised. That gave Steve an idea. "I want to spend some time with them before they go back to school so maybe they could spend the night at the beach house. Is that okay, Dad?"
"Sure. It's been a long time since they spent the night. We can get some movies and make popcorn."
Amanda rolled her eyes. "I know what kind of movies you get. They're scared silly by the time they're over."
Mark looked around. "Jesse didn't leave without saying good-bye did he?"
"He wouldn't do that," Steve said. "Maybe he got paged and went to use the phone."
Pushing the kitchen door open slightly so he could see into the living room, Mark said, "He's asleep on the sofa."
"Let him sleep," Amanda said. "He had a long night."
"When he wakes up, tell him that I'll stop by Bob's this afternoon and make sure everything is under control. I don't think he's supposed to close, but I'll check and if he is I'll get someone to cover."
Mark looked at his watch. "I have to get to the hospital. I cancelled my morning appointments and got someone to cover my rounds, but I have some paperwork to catch up on before the afternoon patients start and I have surgery scheduled for late this afternoon. I won't be home until late so don't wait dinner."
Steve nodded and Amanda slipped her arm around his waist as they walked Mark to his car. "So what are you going to do today besides stop at Bob's?"
"I'm going to go home and shower and change and then run a few errands. One thing I need to do is to see Emma and apologize for my behavior. What about you?"
"I'll probably check on those two fatalities from last night. I'm sure both will go to the county child death review team so I want to make sure everything is in order."
The thought of the two young lives that had ended far too soon saddened the trio and they fell silent. After a moment, Mark climbed into his car and with a wave drove off in the direction of the hospital. Steve did the same thing turning his truck in the opposite direction toward the beach house. Amanda sighed softly as she watched them drive away. It had been a long, hard road for Mark and Steve, but she was confident their healing had finally begun.
Amanda sat at the kitchen counter toying absently with her empty coffee mug. The morning paper she had slipped out the back and around the front to get hoping it would distract her sat untouched in front of her. The shouting from her living room had long since stopped and she could hear nothing but the occasional murmur of her friend's voices. Anxiously she looked at the clock. Mark and Steve had been talking for a long time. She could only hope it meant they were making progress. Sighing, Amanda got up to refill her mug. When she heard the door open she swung around, encouraged by the fact that both Mark and Steve were entering the kitchen. Her unspoken question hung in the air.
"We're going to be okay," Mark told her.
Amanda let out a breath she hadn't even realized she'd been holding and rushed to hug them both. "I'm so relieved," she whispered, fervently.
Her comment made Steve realize just how hard the past weeks had been on her and probably Jesse too. "You can stop worrying. The road to self- destruction is closed. Permanently."
"Good. I'm glad to hear it. I was so worried."
"I guess I probably had everybody worried with my behavior. I know there'll still be bad days, but I'm beginning to realize I don't have to go through them alone."
"I'll be there. Jesse, too," Amanda promised.
"And you'll keep seeing the department psychiatrist?"
Steve shot his father a startled look. He hadn't told anyone about his appointment with the doctor. Then he remembered he'd told Emma when they'd been out on the deck the day before. Either she had mentioned it or his dad had been standing in the doorway far longer than Steve had originally thought.
"I guess Captain Newman did me a favor by not accepting my resignation and insisting I use vacation and sick time. This way I'm still employed and can make another appointment."
Amanda smiled. "I don't know about you, but I'm starved."
Steve realized that for the first time in weeks he was actually hungry and the mere mention of food didn't make his stomach churn. "You're offering to cook?" he asked, skeptically.
"For your information, I can handle breakfast."
Mark decided it would be better to intervene before this argument got out of hand. "We know you're quite capable Amanda, but how about if I whip up a bunch of pancakes? You go call Jesse and see if he wants to join us." "Didn't he work a late shift last night?"
"He was supposed to be done around midnight," Amanda replied. "I have a hard time believing Jesse would pass up a chance at breakfast."
It was a grumpy Jesse who answered his phone, clearly unhappy at having his sleep disturbed and Amanda couldn't resist the opportunity to tease her normally cheerful friend about his disposition. It only took a moment for her to realize that he wasn't appreciating her attempt at humor so she got right to the point of her call. By the time she had finished her brief explanation and extended the breakfast invitation, Jesse was somewhat placated and promised to be over as soon as he had grabbed a quick shower and got dressed.
When Steve answered the door to admit Jesse a short while later, the young doctor took a moment to assess his best friend. Steve had clearly lost weight and still had lines of exhaustion etched in his face, but the biggest difference Jesse noticed was in his eyes. Although shadows of grief remained, Steve's blue eyes were clear, no longer dulled by his intense anger and despair. It had been that hopelessness that had made Jesse so afraid for his friend's mental health.
Steve motioned him inside and by way of greeting said, "You don't look so great."
"You mean two hours of sleep isn't enough to restore my natural beauty?" Jesse asked, sarcastically. Silently, Steve raised an eyebrow and Jesse realized how he must've sounded. "Sorry, it was a rough night after I got back to the ER. Two fatalities along with all the usual stuff."
Steve knew those fatalities must've been bad to have that profound of an affect on Jesse. "Need to get it off your chest?"
"Both were young and both were preventable. An eleven year old found her mother's handgun and ended up shooting herself in the chest."
Unconsciously Steve rubbed the scar on his chest. He had first hand knowledge of the damage a bullet to the chest could do. He also knew it was nothing short of a miracle for him to be alive to talk about it.
"She made it to the ER, but we lost her before we could get her to surgery. We just get that cleaned up and a drowning victim comes in. A four-year- old girl somehow ended up face down in the backyard swimming pool. We vented her but the neurologist declared her brain dead. There was nothing else we could do except ask the parents if they'd consider donating her organs."
"What did they say?"
"They weren't sure. And who could blame them? They just lost their little girl and I'm asking them to make a major decision about donating her organs."
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Jesse," Mark counseled. "Organ donation isn't a simple subject under the best of circumstances. Did someone call Claudia?"
Jesse nodded. "She had gone home but she came back to talk with the family."
"Was she able to convince them to do it?"
"Yes. She was amazing to watch. She answered all their questions and let them take as long as they needed. When they decided to go ahead and do it, she even offered to stay with them during the surgery. Her husband is out of town and she'd left her kids home alone so I thought she better get home to them. She didn't want to leave but I told her I'd sit with the parents. It was after two by the time I left the hospital and I was too wound up to sleep so I took a drive up the coast to look at the ocean and clear my head. I'd only been in bed a couple of hours when Amanda called."
"Well then," Amada said, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, "let's get you some coffee."
"And pancakes?" Jesse asked hopefully.
"Just another couple of minutes."
"Who's Claudia? Do I know her?" Steve knew many people on staff at CG but that name was unfamiliar.
"She's a peds nurse so you probably haven't met her. She also works as a liaison between the hospital and the organ procurement center. If people are undecided about donating a family member's organs, we call her. She has this calm and soothing personality and people just seem to respond to her."
"Have you ever seen her lose her temper?" Jesse asked.
"Does she even have a temper? Claudia always seems to have infinite amounts of patience."
"I've seen doctors back down when she gets mad. You do not want to get on her bad side."
"I can't believe that," Mark said, shaking his head.
"It's true," Jesse insisted. At Steve's puzzled look, he elaborated, "Claudia's about five foot three, a hundred pounds with long blond hair. She could be a model she's so gorgeous, but under that china doll exterior is a spitfire. She's got a backbone of steel and will go toe to toe with anybody."
"Better watch it, Jess," Steve teased. "Sounds like she could whip you."
Jesse opened his mouth to retort but was distracted by the large plate of pancakes Mark sat in front of him. "Mmmm.just what the doctor ordered." Everyone laughed. Amanda put a pitcher of orange juice on the table and refilled their coffee mugs then took her seat. Conversation lagged as they all dug into the hearty breakfast Mark had fixed. Finally, as appetites were satisfied, the lull ended and they enjoyed another more leisurely cup of coffee and small talk.
As Steve listened to his father and best friends, he realized just how much he'd missed spending time with them. He understood now how wrong it had been for him to shut them out of his life at a time when he needed them the most. These three people knew him better than anyone else in the world, and he should've known they never would've judged him or looked down on him if he had shared his grief with them. Steve didn't know why they had stuck with him these last few weeks, putting up with his temper and moodiness, but he was so very grateful they had.
Amanda noticed Steve was awfully quiet and wasn't paying much attention to the conversation around him. His eyes gave nothing away so it was impossible to tell what he was thinking. She hoped he wasn't slipping back into his depression. They had worked too hard this morning to get to the root of his problems for that to happen. Gently, she reached out and touched his hand.
"Steve?"
Steve blinked. Looking up, he saw three faces staring back anxiously at him. "I'm sorry. I was a million miles away. Did you say something?"
"You're just so quiet. We don't want you to fall back into bad habits and withdraw from us."
Steve shook his head. "I was just thinking about the past few weeks and trying to figure out why you stuck with me through it all. I thought I had to be alone, that I didn't deserve any sympathy." Steve paused as he struggled to put his thoughts into words. At times like these, he wished he were more eloquent like his dad. Words came much easier to Mark than they did to him. "Despite my every effort to push you all away, you never gave up on me. You don't know how grateful I am for that. I hope I can be the same kind of friend to you."
The emotionally charged atmosphere was broken by the ringing of the telephone. It saved Steve from having to say anything else and effectively ended the conversation. Amanda gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze as she passed by him to answer it. Silently, the three men rose and started to clear the table. They had almost finished cleaning up the kitchen by the time Amanda finished her call.
"That was C.J. and Dion."
"Are they having fun at camp?"
"They were until I told them about having Mark's pancakes for breakfast. They were disappointed they missed them."
"I'll fix them again when they get home," Mark promised. That gave Steve an idea. "I want to spend some time with them before they go back to school so maybe they could spend the night at the beach house. Is that okay, Dad?"
"Sure. It's been a long time since they spent the night. We can get some movies and make popcorn."
Amanda rolled her eyes. "I know what kind of movies you get. They're scared silly by the time they're over."
Mark looked around. "Jesse didn't leave without saying good-bye did he?"
"He wouldn't do that," Steve said. "Maybe he got paged and went to use the phone."
Pushing the kitchen door open slightly so he could see into the living room, Mark said, "He's asleep on the sofa."
"Let him sleep," Amanda said. "He had a long night."
"When he wakes up, tell him that I'll stop by Bob's this afternoon and make sure everything is under control. I don't think he's supposed to close, but I'll check and if he is I'll get someone to cover."
Mark looked at his watch. "I have to get to the hospital. I cancelled my morning appointments and got someone to cover my rounds, but I have some paperwork to catch up on before the afternoon patients start and I have surgery scheduled for late this afternoon. I won't be home until late so don't wait dinner."
Steve nodded and Amanda slipped her arm around his waist as they walked Mark to his car. "So what are you going to do today besides stop at Bob's?"
"I'm going to go home and shower and change and then run a few errands. One thing I need to do is to see Emma and apologize for my behavior. What about you?"
"I'll probably check on those two fatalities from last night. I'm sure both will go to the county child death review team so I want to make sure everything is in order."
The thought of the two young lives that had ended far too soon saddened the trio and they fell silent. After a moment, Mark climbed into his car and with a wave drove off in the direction of the hospital. Steve did the same thing turning his truck in the opposite direction toward the beach house. Amanda sighed softly as she watched them drive away. It had been a long, hard road for Mark and Steve, but she was confident their healing had finally begun.