*I'm not to sure how
I'm supposed to feel,
Or what I'm supposed to say but.
I'm not, not sure, not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday.
And I miss you love*
Oh, god. I'm fidgeting. I never fidget. Christ, I was five years old the last time I acted like this- twirling my hair, chewing on my finger nails, unable to listen to what's being said to me.
Crap! I'm not listening, I'm staring right at him, and not hearing a word he's saying because I'm not listening! \
This is important. Focus. Deep breath. Focus. Pay attention. Hope he doesn't notice you haven't been listening for ten minutes. Counter-mission, protocol, double-agent, longing, tech thingie, love the way he looks in that suit, Devlin, reassignment, taste of his lips, touch of his hands, death, SD-6, Taipei, breaking the rules- CONCENTRATE!
"Syd." He breaks off in mid sentence, furrowing his brow, green eyes cloudy with confusion. "Are you O.K.? You look like you're worlds away."
Damn! He noticed! "Um. yeah." I force myself to stop twitching. "I. uh. yeah, I was listening." My eyes drift away. looking at him for too long, I imagine, would be like staring at the sun. Enough beauty to blind someone. Enough beauty to blind me.
"Are you sure? I just." He runs a hand through his sandy hair and throws me a smile that doesn't quite meet his eyes. "I get the feeling you've got a lot on your mind. And I just-" He pauses a moment, and the smile does reach his eyes. "I hope you know that if you need to talk about something. anything. I'm here for you."
I stare at him from my perch on a wooden crate. What am I supposed to say to that?! Yes, Vaughn. There is something on my mind.
You.
You, and everything about you. Your hair in the sunlight. The half- smile you don't use nearly as often as you should. The little crease above your nose you get when you're deep in thought. The way you say my name. The way you smell, talk, walk, act...taste.
When I'm with you, you make me feel like I'm someone else. Someone with a normal life.
Someone who's allowed to love you.
Because I do, you know. Love you. Everything about you makes my heart sing- as cliché-ish as that sounds. I can't even be around you anymore without wanting to be with you and, to tell the truth, it's driving me mad. I lie to everyone in my life about everything.
But the biggest lie is the one I tell myself when I'm around you. All other untruths are dwarfed in comparison. I'm sitting here, dying to touch you, and I have to force myself to believe that I don't want to. That that is not what I need. Your lips on mine, your hands roaming my body, our minds connected in an entirely new way.
I have to tell myself I don't want any of these things. I do, but I suppose given the circumstances, I really shouldn't. Because, you know as well as I do, it could get us both killed.
*Make room for the prey,
'Cause I'm coming in
With what I wanna say but.
It's gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate.*
And part of me can't help but not care.
We all die someday. And in my profession, that day is sure to be sooner than later.
Surely, Vaughn, you must know this. I see it in your eyes every time I head out on yet another seemingly impossible, hopelessly dangerous mission. Some part of you probably expects to see me come back in a body bag. And, in truth, part of me expects this too.
One day, I won't be so lucky. I won't move fast enough, be clever enough, fight well enough. and the bullet it seems I've been dodging forever will finally find its mark. But, until that day, I'll fight.
I'll fight and hope that I'll survive long enough to feel the touch of your lips on mine, and finally have you, body and soul. Without guilt or worry or fear or-
You're looking at me. I've been carrying on this internal monologue for what seems like an eternity, and it's time to return to the world of the living.
Until that day, I'll miss a love I never had. "I know, Vaughn. it's just. some things are better left unsaid."
*I'm not, not sure, not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just passed,
In the crowds of al the people-
And I miss you love*
Oh, god. I'm fidgeting. I never fidget. Christ, I was five years old the last time I acted like this- twirling my hair, chewing on my finger nails, unable to listen to what's being said to me.
Crap! I'm not listening, I'm staring right at him, and not hearing a word he's saying because I'm not listening! \
This is important. Focus. Deep breath. Focus. Pay attention. Hope he doesn't notice you haven't been listening for ten minutes. Counter-mission, protocol, double-agent, longing, tech thingie, love the way he looks in that suit, Devlin, reassignment, taste of his lips, touch of his hands, death, SD-6, Taipei, breaking the rules- CONCENTRATE!
"Syd." He breaks off in mid sentence, furrowing his brow, green eyes cloudy with confusion. "Are you O.K.? You look like you're worlds away."
Damn! He noticed! "Um. yeah." I force myself to stop twitching. "I. uh. yeah, I was listening." My eyes drift away. looking at him for too long, I imagine, would be like staring at the sun. Enough beauty to blind someone. Enough beauty to blind me.
"Are you sure? I just." He runs a hand through his sandy hair and throws me a smile that doesn't quite meet his eyes. "I get the feeling you've got a lot on your mind. And I just-" He pauses a moment, and the smile does reach his eyes. "I hope you know that if you need to talk about something. anything. I'm here for you."
I stare at him from my perch on a wooden crate. What am I supposed to say to that?! Yes, Vaughn. There is something on my mind.
You.
You, and everything about you. Your hair in the sunlight. The half- smile you don't use nearly as often as you should. The little crease above your nose you get when you're deep in thought. The way you say my name. The way you smell, talk, walk, act...taste.
When I'm with you, you make me feel like I'm someone else. Someone with a normal life.
Someone who's allowed to love you.
Because I do, you know. Love you. Everything about you makes my heart sing- as cliché-ish as that sounds. I can't even be around you anymore without wanting to be with you and, to tell the truth, it's driving me mad. I lie to everyone in my life about everything.
But the biggest lie is the one I tell myself when I'm around you. All other untruths are dwarfed in comparison. I'm sitting here, dying to touch you, and I have to force myself to believe that I don't want to. That that is not what I need. Your lips on mine, your hands roaming my body, our minds connected in an entirely new way.
I have to tell myself I don't want any of these things. I do, but I suppose given the circumstances, I really shouldn't. Because, you know as well as I do, it could get us both killed.
*Make room for the prey,
'Cause I'm coming in
With what I wanna say but.
It's gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate.*
And part of me can't help but not care.
We all die someday. And in my profession, that day is sure to be sooner than later.
Surely, Vaughn, you must know this. I see it in your eyes every time I head out on yet another seemingly impossible, hopelessly dangerous mission. Some part of you probably expects to see me come back in a body bag. And, in truth, part of me expects this too.
One day, I won't be so lucky. I won't move fast enough, be clever enough, fight well enough. and the bullet it seems I've been dodging forever will finally find its mark. But, until that day, I'll fight.
I'll fight and hope that I'll survive long enough to feel the touch of your lips on mine, and finally have you, body and soul. Without guilt or worry or fear or-
You're looking at me. I've been carrying on this internal monologue for what seems like an eternity, and it's time to return to the world of the living.
Until that day, I'll miss a love I never had. "I know, Vaughn. it's just. some things are better left unsaid."
*I'm not, not sure, not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just passed,
In the crowds of al the people-
And I miss you love*