A/N: Here's the next part! More flashbacks... I love writing those! And thanks so much to MsAmericanPie88 for the support! Love you gurlie! LOL. Okay, in this chapter, people may seem a little out of character (especially Phoebe) but that's how it is.

CHAPTER FIVE - Burn

Chandler left late Sunday afternoon. Monica promised to call the next day, but still did not give him her phone number, despite his assurances he would not tell. Monica didn't want to talk to anyone else besides him, and Chandler, feeling guilty for his selfishness, relished that.

"Remember, Mon, if you need anything at all - even if you just want someone to listen while you cry," he said as they parted at her door, "call me. Anytime, day or night." He kissed her cheek.

"Okay." They both smiled once more and then he left. "Bye," she called softly after him.

"Bye," he replied.

On the long drive home, Chandler thought so much he was afraid his head was going to explode. He thought about Monica, about her problems and her pain, about her their kisses, about Phoebe and Richard, and about the night Monica and Richard had become engaged. The night he made a promise to himself that he knew he would never keep.

Christmas Eve, 1995

Chandler entered Monica and Rachel's apartment with a sour look on his face.

"Merry Christmas," Phoebe and Rachel chorused.

"Yeah, Merry Christmas," Chandler muttered back.

"What's the matter?" Ross asked, placing a bow on a wrapped present.

"Nothing," Chandler lied. "Is Monica here?"

"No, she's been with Richard all day," Rachel said. Ah, yes, just what I needed to hear. "Why?"

"No reason," Chandler replied, in the indifferent, nonchalant voice he'd perfected over the last couple of years. The one he used every time he spoke to Richard, the goddamn tree of a boyfriend Monica had been with for over a year. The man should put a bow on his head and be a Christmas tree, Chandler thought sarcastically, eyeing the fresh green spruce in Monica's living room. It was comments like that which got Monica mad at him.

Ever since their first date, after Monica had told them she was going out with Doctor Richard Burke, their parent's friend, Chandler had been waiting for the day she would come home in tears, and he would be there with open arms, waiting to hold her tightly. He knew it was parsimonious and was ashamed, but there was nothing he could do. He had been the best friend, the one to comfort Monica, for two years. He would listen for the sound of light, dragging footsteps, of soft, feminine tears, and he would jump up and go over to her apartment. She would tearfully tell him about the latest break-up or freakish date, and he would hold her and tell her the right guy was out there, that she deserved better. Sometimes she would fall asleep in his arms and he would hold her, watching her sleep, studying the way her eyes fluttered open and shut while she dreamed, the way her lips curved into a sweet smile.

Sometimes he would fall asleep too, and they would awake with their bodies and faces pressed together much too close, and she would smile and kiss the tip of his nose, and he would brush the hair away from her face, and they would have the most intimate moment. Then she would thank him for being the best best-friend in the world, and Chandler would smile ruefully and leave, feeling like the most pitiful idiot in the world.

Because he'd fallen in love with Monica. He'd fallen hard.

And now she was dating this Richard guy. And now there were no more nights of comforting Monica, no more tears to kiss away or whispers to be heard. Only fantastic stories about her wonderful boyfriend. Phooey, Chandler thought childishly. He's twenty one years older! It'll never last, right?

As the gang (minus Monica) watched, to Joey's insistence, A Charlie Brown Christmas, Monica and Richard, clutching each other's hands, burst into the apartment, all smiles.

"Merry Christmas!" the group said.

"Merry Christmas!" Monica cried back, her voice above it's normal ear-splitting decibel. She was grinning from ear to ear, and she dragged Richard over to stand in front of everyone, gathered on the couch and chairs in the living room. "Everyone, we have something to announce." She looked at Richard and hopped a little in excitement. "We're engaged!"

Rachel and Phoebe gave squeals of excitement and jumped up to hug Monica. Ross shook Richard's hand and congratulated him, and Joey vigorously patted the older man on the back. Chandler sat in his seat, in shock.

Engaged?! he thought in horror. She's marrying him? You've got to be kidding me.

"Chandler?" Monica said, peering at him. "Are you okay?"

"Huh?" Chandler said, trying not to let his distressed feelings show on his face. "Oh, yeah! I - I didn't understand at first. Engaged. Wow. Congratulations," he said half-heatedly. He hugged Monica and avoided Richard, as normal.

They'd opened two bottles of wine and drank to the happy couple. All the while, Chandler felt like someone was stabbing him in the heart with a knife - no, a machete. His throat contracted, and he would swallow hard.

Later, while everyone else was eating or watching TV, Monica found Chandler standing out on the balcony. The cold felt good, fresh, and the stinging it created on his face stopped the tears that were threatening him.

"Chandler, what are you doing out here?" she asked, rubbing her arms under her heavy coat. She also had his, which he's left inside, over her arm. "Put this on - you'll freeze to death." She shoved the coat into his arms.

Always worried about us, he thought. Always helping. He loved her for that. "I like it. I'm just - thinking."

"About what?" Monica asked, standing close to him.

About how I love you, he thought. About how I've loved you since I was 21. How I want to take you in my arms and never let you go. About how the heat we would produce if we kissed would burn down Central Park.

There was so much he could say.

She's getting married, he reminded himself sternly. If you said any of those things, you would look like an fool. Things would become awkward and your friendship would be ruined. Do you want that to happen? No. You must never tell her how you feel. So he said the last thing on his mind.

"About how happy I am for you and Richard."

*********

When Chandler arrived home, he found Joey sitting in in the living room silently. The TV of off, and he wasn't doing anything. Just sitting.

"Joey?" Chandler said. "What's going on?"

Joey turned around in his chair and looked at Chandler. His eyes looked hollow, and they were bloodshot. "It's Phoebe. She's in the hospital. She overdosed on sleeping pills."

They met Ross and Rachel at the hospital. The four sat, waiting to hear anything from the doctors. They knew nothing - not even if Phoebe would live or die.

Chandler was struggling to process it at all. It was unbelievable was that Phoebe would do this. Phoebe was not the type of person to even think about suicide. She was so happy and bright, with such a positive outlook on life. What had caused this???

Chandler was also fraught with his impression of Phoebe. All On the one hand, Phoebe had done a terrible thing to Monica, something that shouldn't be forgiven. On the other hand, she was one of their best friends and was obviously so guilt-stricken that she'd attempted suicide. Why hadn't anyone noticed that Phoebe felt so horrible? Sure, they hadn't really seen her in weeks... Chandler felt another pang of guilt. Maybe Phoebe wasn't the person they all thought she had been, but she was still their friend, and they still loved her.

that time they'd been worried about Monica... and then Phoebe goes and does it right under their noses. What is wrong with the world? Chandler swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut.

A nurse came out, and Joey immediately stood up. "Is she okay?" he asked, running to her.

"I can't tell you anything yet," the nurse said remorsefully. "But we found this in her pocket. It's to 'Monica, Joey, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross'."

Chandler stomach flopped.

"That's us," Ross said, his voice shaking. Joey took the crumpled note from the nurse, and they all sat down to read it.

First, I just want to say I'm sorry. Monica, I'm so sorry for what I did. I know you can never forgive me. I have never made a bigger mistake in my life, and it hurts more than you will ever know to think that I caused you such pain. You have always been there for me, and I have betrayed you so horribly, I would never be able to forgive myself. I want you to know that I love you.

To Ross, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler - you were right for being angry with me. I am not angry with you, because I deserved no more respect than you gave me. I also want you to know that you did not cause this. I set my own fate. It isn't your fault. I love you guys too.

To Frank, Alice, and babies Frank, Leslie, and Chandler - I love you. You were a great family, even if I didn't know you for very long.

I didn't want to leave like my mother did. That was never my plan. But now I know the desperation, the self-loathing that she felt. The pain that comes when you realize life isn't worth living. This is nobody's fault but my own. Good bye.

Phoebe Buffay

Chandler felt sick. Phoebe had written them a suicide note. Rachel was crying, and Joey was white as a sheet. None of them knew what to say, so they were silent. Chandler wondered why Phoebe felt she had to take her own life. Did she think they all hated her that much? Chandler was angry with himself. If he was a part of one of his best friends' killing herself...

The doctor came out. They all looked up at him, not speaking, waiting for his answer.

"She's alive," the doctor said. "But just barely. She's unconscious." They all breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"Can we see her?" Rachel asked anxiously.

"That would be good," the doctor said. "Sometimes, barely comatose patients will come out of it if they hear loved one's voices." He began to walk away, and the four followed.

Chandler blanched as he saw Phoebe lying in the hospital bed. Her skin was sallow, almost translucent. Tubes ran into her mouth and nose, and an IV drip was sending fluids into her body through her arm.

"Oh my God," Rachel whispered, clutching both Ross and Chandler's arms in a death grip.

"Pheebs," Joey said. "Phoebe. Are you in there?" They all began to cry as they heard Joey's desperate pleas for his friend to live again. Chandler knew that Joey had actually been seeing Phoebe since Monica had left, and knew that he had forgiven Phoebe much more readily than the rest of them could have dreamed. "Please, Phoebe. Please come back." He leaned over her bed, whispering softly.

But Phoebe didn't open her eyes.

Chandler went home three hours later, feeling drained. He was utterly exhausted from the drive, and then seeing Phoebe. They'd tried to convinced Joey to come home and get some sleep, and go back to the hospital in the morning, but he refused to leave Phoebe's side.

Chandler was almost asleep when the phone rang. "Shhh," he groaned at it. "Goddammit." Then he was wide awake. It could be about Phoebe. "Hello?" he muttered.

"Chandler? Where have you been? I've been calling all night! Is everything okay?" It was Monica, yelling shrilly into the phone. Shit, he thought, I've got to tell her.

"Sorry," he said, trying to clear his head. "Mon, something did happen."

"What?" Monica asked, her voice filled with dread. "What happened?" Chandler winced as he realized his tone had been much too ominous. He would just have to say it.

"Phoebe overdosed on sleeping pills. She tried to kill herself, Mon."

A/N: Please review! Sorry this took so long, by the way. Oh, and if you all MUST tell me that you think this is ridiculous, go ahead. I wasn't trying to write an orthodox fic here. :) So, good or bad, please review!