Britz-I'm back, with the news you've been waiting to hear, like the salivating dogs that you are! The mysterious blonde woman is...Wait; it's probably better if you just read the fic.
Disclaimer-"I do not own this, I do not own that, I own very little" said the git in the hat. (I had to put a hat on just to say that.)
~Planet Strangelove, Or: How I Learned How To Stop Worrying And Love The Skater Bomb~
Chapter Five
"Its, its, its, its, its," Jake was momentarily stuck in a loop till Marco smacked him upside the head "YOU!"
Before them the 'blonde' woman stood before them like an amazing visage of.... Surrealism.
Most infamous of all teenyboppers, Britney Spears.
Her face was no longer held steady by the effect of a team of makeup artists yet was beautiful in a new way with a sort of, matured radiance in her face, her wardrobe now apparently limited to a simpler style of clothing, the basic rags of a hunted teenybopper.
She held an assault rifle like she really knew how to handle it right, the same way she'd held the snake from her shows that all the straight men (obviously not fans of her music, just of her batty) had found so appealing.
"Yes I, Britney Spears am the leader of the rag-tag bunch of rowdy rebels against the evil empire of Darth, uh, Avril Lavigne." She told the Animorphs proudly.
[You, Britney Spears, are the leader, of the only rebellion against Avril Lavigne, Queen of the entire world?] Tobias asked her sceptically.
"Like I could be any less competent than your guy." She gestured to Jake, standing in stunned silence, drool slowly accumulating at the sides of his mouth.
"Point taken." Marco admitted "But why you of all people?"
Britney shook her fist grandly at the sky "Because someone has got to take down that evil bitch!" She was greeted with a rousing cheer.
"Anything more specific?" Menderash asked.
"Well, alright." She said, "I'll tell you the terrible tale of what happened to our fair planet after you, The Animorphs, and co, left Earth."
"Kay." Said Marco. The rebels and Animorphs sat in a circle campfire-style and began listening to the famously bad singer tell Earth's sad story
"It was the net porn that did it" Britney said, "more and more just kept accumulating on the world wide web until people just couldn't help it any more, it started spilling out in to everyday life, then came the aliens through the floodgates opened by our treaties with the Andalites, they made their contributions to the net, like humankind it was mostly porn and things just got weirder and weirder."
A rebel woman started crying with memories of such horror and was lead away, Britney continued "first thing was the billboards, they just got racier and racier till they were full blown porn, TV adapted quickly also, hell FOX had been waiting for the opportunity to pounce for years, the porno shows quickly seeped their way into prime time till there was just nothing else left."
More sniffling and tears being wiped away surrounded the group but Britney stayed strong.
"What about those weird buildings?" Santorelli asked.
"Those? Well with all these new building tools from the aliens, architects had way more time on their hands, what do they do with this time, they get something else on their hands and look at the porn, only natural it's going to come out in their work."
She continued with her epic tale "Any-hoo, people were quickly adapting, but it was still a time of great confusion, and more car accidents from looking at the billboards, Avril saw her chance and seized it, taking over the entire world in one, fell, swoop!"
"About that," Jeanne said "Mind enlightening us on how she could do that?"
"Another time" replied Britney, "It doesn't matter just now, anyway what with that little thing Avril has against me as soon as she was queen of Earth there was a price on my head, and what with all the porn, there was an even bigger price on my body." A single tear rolled down perfect cheek.
"I started this rebellion to fight against that evil skater-bitch queen and we'll fight her to the last man, woman or teenybopper!!" The rebel crowd roared its approval.
"Well" said Jake at last, "That clears that up then."
Chapter Six
"What do you mean, they just, disappeared?" Queen Avril asked her minister for defence coldly.
"Well my, my liege." Jeff stuttered "The angry mob claim they only lost sight at them for a moment and, well, they disappeared."
Queen Lavigne blew "They're shape shifters you moron!! Of course they can disappear! They do that, that 'morphing' thing, you can't count on an angry mob to handle that!"
"Yes but I can't.."
"Be held responsible for that?" Avril finished, "No, of course you can't, the problem I have with you is the skaters you sent, in the first place!!"
'Oh, right, that.' Jeff's mind muttered, 'sod.'
"Why weren't they properly briefed?" She asked.
'Well mostly because I hire my secretaries based on tit size rather than IQ' rambled Jeff's brain offhandedly 'and well I couldn't find the Animorphs file because my current one Brandy can't file worth a damn though man the girl can f..'
"Well?" Queen Lavigne, back to her colder and even more dangerous voice.
"Because I..." Jeff's scramble for an answer was fortunately interrupted by Avril herself.
"Because you fucked up that's why!!" She screeched, "I'm going to give you one, just one, more chance to fix this, or else, it's the half-pipe for you."
"No your majesty!" Jeff recoiled "Not the half-pipe!"
"Yes the half-pipe." She replied, "I want every available skater boy on the case, get the FBI, the Skater Elite, the CIA and the MIB."
"My queen, the MIB doesn't..." Jeff started.
"What? Were you just questioning my orders? Or was I just hearing the squeak of wheels on the half-pipe?" She asked condescendingly.
"Nothing, I'll get right on it my liege."
"Good." She replied. "Y'know what, just for fun, when they kill them, have them tear out their still beating hearts and bring them to me on a silver platter.
Chapter Seven
*In the warehouse, Marco waits in one dark corner*
Marco-*To Britney Spears as she walks by* Britney, psst, psst!
Britney-*stops* Yeah?
Marco-Can I have your autograph?
Britney-Why? Not worth anything these days.
Marco-It'd just, mean a lot to me, I'm a *conspirative whisper* a big fan.
Britney-Of my music?
Marco-Sssh, keep it down.
Britney-I just never thought you would be, I mean you dated all those supermodels and..
Marco-What's that supposed to mean?
Britney-Well, I just never thought you were...y'know, not that there's anything wrong with that.
Marco-*incredulous* I'm not gay! *covers his mouth, looks around to see if anyone heard* not that there's anything wrong with that.
Britney-You're not, and you're a fan of my music. *sees the look on his face* alright, I won't delve *takes out a scrap of paper and pen, scrawls her name on it, hands it to Marco*
Marco-*hugs it to his chest* I'll treasure it always.
Britney-Oookay *turns, starts to walk away*
Marco-*comes at her hair with a pair of scissors, she turns and he hides them.*
Britney-Were you just trying to cut off a lock of my hair?
Marco-No, course not.
Britney-*unsure* Ooookaaay. *walks to front of room, calls to the Animorphs* Animorphs, over here, I want to show you something.
Animorphs-*Gather to her where she's standing beside a large object under a sheet*
Britney-Alright, I suppose you're wondering what's under here.
Tobias-[Actually we all had a look while you were talking to Marco, it's one of those Skater Bombs.]
Britney-*pulls off sheet to reveal a Skater Bomb* well yeah, it is. But not any ordinary Skater Bomb, it's a Super Skater Bomb.
Santorelli-What's the difference?
Britney-Bigger bang.
Jeanne-How much bigger?
Britney-Big enough to destroy Avril Lavigne's fortress, the statue of liberty, if we could get close enough to drop it.
Jake-Destroy the statue of liberty? Do I dare live the American dream?
Marco-Since when is that the American dream?
Britney-*ignoring them*It wasn't easy acquiring this bomb, many lives were lost and we don't have the kind of ship capable of getting in close enough to drop it, her defence system is to good. Your ship might have worked but by now she'll have it under guard or maybe destroyed.
Marco-Destroyed? Damnit it! I had all my CD's on that ship, all my *pauses, reconsiders* rock....And.........Roll CD's *winks at Britney*
Jeanne-Did you just wink at her?
Britney-*Doing her best to keep ignoring them* I was hoping maybe you guys would have a way to help, maybe with some contact you left behind, like a former team-mate...A wealthy former team-mate perhaps....*waits expectantly*
Tobias-[Well, of course there's....]
Jake-Wait Tobias, quiet, *pulls the Cassie mags out of his pockets, looks at them, looks at the bomb, looks at the mags, looks at the bomb, looks at the mags, looks at the bomb....*
Others-*look at each other, shrug*
Jake-*looks at the mags, at the mags, looks at the bomb, looks at the mags* I've got it, Cassie! She's a wealthy former teammate! We'll go to her!
Menderash-Uhh, Jake, I think everybody already got that.
Jake-*face falls* Really?
Santorelli-Yeah, I think so.
Jeanne-Pretty much at the point we found out she was a big name porn star.
Marco-I mean it would seem pretty irrelevant if there was that scene and then she DIDN'T come up later in the story.
Jake-*confused* What the hell are you two talking about?
Marco&Jeanne-Oh, nothing. *look at each other cryptically*
Britney-Alright, so Cassie it is, let's go.
***To Be Continued***
Britz-It just keeps getting...stranger dunnit? Ain't ya just itching to meet the new Cassie, and her llama? Review it, come on, be a pal.
Disclaimer-"I do not own this, I do not own that, I own very little" said the git in the hat. (I had to put a hat on just to say that.)
~Planet Strangelove, Or: How I Learned How To Stop Worrying And Love The Skater Bomb~
Chapter Five
"Its, its, its, its, its," Jake was momentarily stuck in a loop till Marco smacked him upside the head "YOU!"
Before them the 'blonde' woman stood before them like an amazing visage of.... Surrealism.
Most infamous of all teenyboppers, Britney Spears.
Her face was no longer held steady by the effect of a team of makeup artists yet was beautiful in a new way with a sort of, matured radiance in her face, her wardrobe now apparently limited to a simpler style of clothing, the basic rags of a hunted teenybopper.
She held an assault rifle like she really knew how to handle it right, the same way she'd held the snake from her shows that all the straight men (obviously not fans of her music, just of her batty) had found so appealing.
"Yes I, Britney Spears am the leader of the rag-tag bunch of rowdy rebels against the evil empire of Darth, uh, Avril Lavigne." She told the Animorphs proudly.
[You, Britney Spears, are the leader, of the only rebellion against Avril Lavigne, Queen of the entire world?] Tobias asked her sceptically.
"Like I could be any less competent than your guy." She gestured to Jake, standing in stunned silence, drool slowly accumulating at the sides of his mouth.
"Point taken." Marco admitted "But why you of all people?"
Britney shook her fist grandly at the sky "Because someone has got to take down that evil bitch!" She was greeted with a rousing cheer.
"Anything more specific?" Menderash asked.
"Well, alright." She said, "I'll tell you the terrible tale of what happened to our fair planet after you, The Animorphs, and co, left Earth."
"Kay." Said Marco. The rebels and Animorphs sat in a circle campfire-style and began listening to the famously bad singer tell Earth's sad story
"It was the net porn that did it" Britney said, "more and more just kept accumulating on the world wide web until people just couldn't help it any more, it started spilling out in to everyday life, then came the aliens through the floodgates opened by our treaties with the Andalites, they made their contributions to the net, like humankind it was mostly porn and things just got weirder and weirder."
A rebel woman started crying with memories of such horror and was lead away, Britney continued "first thing was the billboards, they just got racier and racier till they were full blown porn, TV adapted quickly also, hell FOX had been waiting for the opportunity to pounce for years, the porno shows quickly seeped their way into prime time till there was just nothing else left."
More sniffling and tears being wiped away surrounded the group but Britney stayed strong.
"What about those weird buildings?" Santorelli asked.
"Those? Well with all these new building tools from the aliens, architects had way more time on their hands, what do they do with this time, they get something else on their hands and look at the porn, only natural it's going to come out in their work."
She continued with her epic tale "Any-hoo, people were quickly adapting, but it was still a time of great confusion, and more car accidents from looking at the billboards, Avril saw her chance and seized it, taking over the entire world in one, fell, swoop!"
"About that," Jeanne said "Mind enlightening us on how she could do that?"
"Another time" replied Britney, "It doesn't matter just now, anyway what with that little thing Avril has against me as soon as she was queen of Earth there was a price on my head, and what with all the porn, there was an even bigger price on my body." A single tear rolled down perfect cheek.
"I started this rebellion to fight against that evil skater-bitch queen and we'll fight her to the last man, woman or teenybopper!!" The rebel crowd roared its approval.
"Well" said Jake at last, "That clears that up then."
Chapter Six
"What do you mean, they just, disappeared?" Queen Avril asked her minister for defence coldly.
"Well my, my liege." Jeff stuttered "The angry mob claim they only lost sight at them for a moment and, well, they disappeared."
Queen Lavigne blew "They're shape shifters you moron!! Of course they can disappear! They do that, that 'morphing' thing, you can't count on an angry mob to handle that!"
"Yes but I can't.."
"Be held responsible for that?" Avril finished, "No, of course you can't, the problem I have with you is the skaters you sent, in the first place!!"
'Oh, right, that.' Jeff's mind muttered, 'sod.'
"Why weren't they properly briefed?" She asked.
'Well mostly because I hire my secretaries based on tit size rather than IQ' rambled Jeff's brain offhandedly 'and well I couldn't find the Animorphs file because my current one Brandy can't file worth a damn though man the girl can f..'
"Well?" Queen Lavigne, back to her colder and even more dangerous voice.
"Because I..." Jeff's scramble for an answer was fortunately interrupted by Avril herself.
"Because you fucked up that's why!!" She screeched, "I'm going to give you one, just one, more chance to fix this, or else, it's the half-pipe for you."
"No your majesty!" Jeff recoiled "Not the half-pipe!"
"Yes the half-pipe." She replied, "I want every available skater boy on the case, get the FBI, the Skater Elite, the CIA and the MIB."
"My queen, the MIB doesn't..." Jeff started.
"What? Were you just questioning my orders? Or was I just hearing the squeak of wheels on the half-pipe?" She asked condescendingly.
"Nothing, I'll get right on it my liege."
"Good." She replied. "Y'know what, just for fun, when they kill them, have them tear out their still beating hearts and bring them to me on a silver platter.
Chapter Seven
*In the warehouse, Marco waits in one dark corner*
Marco-*To Britney Spears as she walks by* Britney, psst, psst!
Britney-*stops* Yeah?
Marco-Can I have your autograph?
Britney-Why? Not worth anything these days.
Marco-It'd just, mean a lot to me, I'm a *conspirative whisper* a big fan.
Britney-Of my music?
Marco-Sssh, keep it down.
Britney-I just never thought you would be, I mean you dated all those supermodels and..
Marco-What's that supposed to mean?
Britney-Well, I just never thought you were...y'know, not that there's anything wrong with that.
Marco-*incredulous* I'm not gay! *covers his mouth, looks around to see if anyone heard* not that there's anything wrong with that.
Britney-You're not, and you're a fan of my music. *sees the look on his face* alright, I won't delve *takes out a scrap of paper and pen, scrawls her name on it, hands it to Marco*
Marco-*hugs it to his chest* I'll treasure it always.
Britney-Oookay *turns, starts to walk away*
Marco-*comes at her hair with a pair of scissors, she turns and he hides them.*
Britney-Were you just trying to cut off a lock of my hair?
Marco-No, course not.
Britney-*unsure* Ooookaaay. *walks to front of room, calls to the Animorphs* Animorphs, over here, I want to show you something.
Animorphs-*Gather to her where she's standing beside a large object under a sheet*
Britney-Alright, I suppose you're wondering what's under here.
Tobias-[Actually we all had a look while you were talking to Marco, it's one of those Skater Bombs.]
Britney-*pulls off sheet to reveal a Skater Bomb* well yeah, it is. But not any ordinary Skater Bomb, it's a Super Skater Bomb.
Santorelli-What's the difference?
Britney-Bigger bang.
Jeanne-How much bigger?
Britney-Big enough to destroy Avril Lavigne's fortress, the statue of liberty, if we could get close enough to drop it.
Jake-Destroy the statue of liberty? Do I dare live the American dream?
Marco-Since when is that the American dream?
Britney-*ignoring them*It wasn't easy acquiring this bomb, many lives were lost and we don't have the kind of ship capable of getting in close enough to drop it, her defence system is to good. Your ship might have worked but by now she'll have it under guard or maybe destroyed.
Marco-Destroyed? Damnit it! I had all my CD's on that ship, all my *pauses, reconsiders* rock....And.........Roll CD's *winks at Britney*
Jeanne-Did you just wink at her?
Britney-*Doing her best to keep ignoring them* I was hoping maybe you guys would have a way to help, maybe with some contact you left behind, like a former team-mate...A wealthy former team-mate perhaps....*waits expectantly*
Tobias-[Well, of course there's....]
Jake-Wait Tobias, quiet, *pulls the Cassie mags out of his pockets, looks at them, looks at the bomb, looks at the mags, looks at the bomb, looks at the mags, looks at the bomb....*
Others-*look at each other, shrug*
Jake-*looks at the mags, at the mags, looks at the bomb, looks at the mags* I've got it, Cassie! She's a wealthy former teammate! We'll go to her!
Menderash-Uhh, Jake, I think everybody already got that.
Jake-*face falls* Really?
Santorelli-Yeah, I think so.
Jeanne-Pretty much at the point we found out she was a big name porn star.
Marco-I mean it would seem pretty irrelevant if there was that scene and then she DIDN'T come up later in the story.
Jake-*confused* What the hell are you two talking about?
Marco&Jeanne-Oh, nothing. *look at each other cryptically*
Britney-Alright, so Cassie it is, let's go.
***To Be Continued***
Britz-It just keeps getting...stranger dunnit? Ain't ya just itching to meet the new Cassie, and her llama? Review it, come on, be a pal.