Maia: .....Too tired for notes. Just read.

---------------------
Cut Back to Heroes.........
---------------------

Anyway, Edgar was being his usual... Edgarish self... and he was getting a little too close to Terra.
"So.... Terra.... You doin' anything tonight? I can take you to a fancy, romantic, French restaurant. Anywhere on the planet, if you wish. I have the gil to do it."
"Sorry. Can't. Guarding crazy man."
Celes came up and patted Locke on the head. "Awww.... My poor Lockey. It's okay Terra, take a break."
Terra waved her hands. "No, No! I'm okay! I'll stay right here, thank you!" she shouted with a sideways glance at Edgar, who was smiling winningly.
"Well, okay... I guess...."
Edgar sighed and turned to Celes, taking her by the hand. "So, my vivacious general... Fancy some French food?"
Locke's eyes snapped open and he sat up. "Hey! Lay off my girl!" He fell asleep and fell back down. Edgar dropped Celes' hand, backed away and dashed from the room.

Note: Notice how the guys are SO protective of their women in this fic? ^_^;; Hey, they're romantics.... Or... *shifty eyed glance* stalkers... possibly... *cough* *cough*Cloud*cough*

Anyways, meanwhile, in another part of the castle (Well, actually, it was only the next room over. Shh!), they were standing around Sephiroth, who was coincidentally still knocked out, figuring out who would wake him. Zidane was nervously rubbing the back of his neck.
"I don't wanna wake him up. He may try to strangle me again." He thought for a moment. "But then again, everyone tries, at least once in their life, to throttle me." He glanced sideways at Dagger.
Dagger was twirling a strand of her hair around her index finger, then chewing on the tangle. Kuja poked her and frowned.
"You shouldn't chew on your hair! It gives you horrendous split-ends!" He gave her a scolding look and returned his eyes to his fingers. He was absent-mindly picking at his nail polish. Dagger glared back at him.
"You should only remove nail polish with nail polish remover! Otherwise, it ruins your nails." They both looked at Maia, who shrugged.
"What? I don't carry cosmetics! I go for natural beauty!"
Kuja grabbed her bag and began rummaging through it. A bag of cosmetics fell out. "Aha! What is this?!"
Maia closed her eyes halfway in exasperation. "That's yours Kuja."
"Oh! How 'bout that?" He tore open the bag and, sure enough, on one of the inside flaps, big bold letters spelled KUJA.
Zidane finally came up with a solution.
"I know! We all grab some long sticks and poke him with them!"
Maia sighed. "Cloud loved to poke things. Should we go and rescue him before poking Sephiroth awake?"
"No!" the others cried, eager to get to some good old-fashioned, unconscious guy poking. They ran downstairs and after a few minutes, Kuja, Zidane and Dagger came back up, armed with a long stick each. They gathered around Sephiroth, as far away from him as they could go, but still be able to poke him, and they started to jab him with their sticks.
As they poked him, Sephiroth came slightly awake and made a distressed little moan as he tried to swat one of the sticks away. The others only giggled and continued poking him.
Maia got bored of watching them, so she ran downstairs and came back up with a handful of little stones. She stood with Dagger and started to throw them at Sephiroth one by one. She giggled as Sephiroth muttered, "Go 'way, bitty-buggies."
"I think I've disturbed his inner child!" Maia giggled and continued tossing stones at him. He eventually came awake, sitting up quickly as they hid their sticks. Zidane shoved his down his pants, Dagger tossed hers out the window and Kuja snapped his and flung it at Sephiroth and it hit Sephiroth in the head.
"Ow! What the–?" He broke off as Maia hurled the rest of her stones at him and they hit him on the forehead. Sephiroth merely shook his head and rubbed it.
"Whoa. I must've been on something funky! I can't remember a thing! Did I do anything to any of you?"
"Not a thing..." they all told him, laughing. Sephiroth looked confused.
"What did I do?"
"Nothing!"
"Fine, don't tell me!"
Maia and Dagger edged closer to him and they both smiled winningly. "So, Sephiroth, been bothered lately by any bitty-buggies?" they said in unison, giggling. Sephiroth frowned.
"Bitty-buggies? Why, I have no... no idea what..." He stopped and thought for a moment. "Bitty-buggies? I-– My bitty-buggies! I couldn't save them! They died in their jar!" He grabbed Dagger by the shoulders and began to shake her violently. "In the jar, I tell you! All my bitty-buggies! In the jar!"
Zidane ran up, attempting to wrestle Sephiroth from Dagger. Zidane pulled the stick from his pants and wapped Sephiroth over the head with it really hard. Sephiroth dropped Dagger and held his head.
"Whoa. Dude, what's going on?"
"Nothing."
"Well, okay, I guess I'll just have to believe you."
Maia patted him on the head. "Of course you shall."

------------------

They wandered around Maia and Lee's castle for a while, trying to figure out what to do. Absentmindedly, Maia put her hand in her pocket and she felt something in it.
"Whoa. I never knew I had anything in my pocket, besides tissues," she remarked, pulling out the object. It was a small black book. On the front in tiny, loopy writing, it said,

'My Biography.
The Mage Behind the Morphine.
By Dr. 666
Forwarded by Steve Allen.'

"Hey! It's about Dr. 666!" Maia shouted. All the others snarled.
"You made us go on that adventure, for this, when you had it the whole time?!" Zidane and Dagger growled together.
"In your POCKET?!" Kuja shrieked.
"Yeah! Your pocket? For shame!" Sephiroth scolded.
Maia shrugged. "We had an adventure? Where was I?" She thought for a moment. Pulling something out of her other pocket, she held it out. "Oh yeah! I was on my Vicks Inhaler ride!"

Note: Maia has a cold. Plain and simple. ^_^

She held it out in a "commercial" fashion. "Vicks! It's good for you! Remember, children, only you can prevent forest fires!"
The others stared at her. "What do forest fires have to do with Vicks?"
"I don't know! Absolutely nothing!" She sniffed for a moment. "Hey! My cold's gone! Huzzah!" She shoved it back into her pocket. "Now where were we? You were angry at me?"
"Oh yeah! Why you little–!" Zidane shouted, starting forward. Maia pulled out her computer and, in slow motion, I might add, with weird techno music and all, she pressed the buttons on the side, which popped the screen up.
"Don't make me use Paintshop Pro 7.0!" she yelled in slow motion, typing in some buttons, in slow motion. Everything sped up again as some weird beam shot out of the computer and hit Zidane. Zidane went multicolored.
"Arg! What's happened to me?!" he yelled, pulling out his clothes to look at the tie-dyed colors. Kuja looked appalled and shrank back, then dropped his hands and stood there, eyes half-closed in exasperation.
"What an awful clash of colors..."
"I used Paintshop Pro 7.0. Durr!" Maia shouted, beginning to laugh at the sight of Zidane. Zidane snarled.
"It doesn't matter! Let's go everyone! We shall smite!"
"Wha?" Maia asked. The others started forward and the surroundings began to bleed again. "Why are we going into a battle sequence? And better yet, why is everything bleeding?!"
Reappearing in a 2D castle-like background, Maia on one side, Zidane, Dagger, Kuja and Sephiroth on the other, little bars appeared at their feet. And on Zidane's, it read, "Multi-colored Hippie Zidane."
"Hey! What the?" Zidane remarked when he saw this.
"It's your fault!" Maia shouted across to him. "Hey, wait a cotton-pickin' minute! Why am I the bad guy?!"
"Because you are!" Zidane shouted. The others remained quiet.
"Are you guys against me?" Maia asked. They remained quiet. Suddenly, Dagger turned to Zidane and shouted, "I'm evil!"
The screen faded and when everything reappeared, Dagger was on the right with Maia. They faced the three guys, put one hand on their hip, and made a peace-sign with the other.
"Girl power!" they cried in unison. The guys began to laugh.
"Hahahahahahahaha! I think three strong guys can beat up two weak girls!"
Maia and Dagger glared.

Note: Notice how everything seems to be taking a sexist turn here? Meh. It's more fun that way! ^_^
(Maia's note: We apologize if you are offended.)

"Okay, let's fight!" Maia yelled. Zidane glared at her.
"I can't fight my wife!"
"You can, and will! Sorry Dagger," Maia said as a side note to Dagger, who only shrugged. Zidane began to wail.
"I can't fight my wife!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. "I love her!" He stood there and howled, bawling his eyes out. "I give up!"
"No! But I wanted to kick Sephiroth's butt!" As an after-thought, "And Kuja's!"
"Why not Zidane's?" Sephiroth and Kuja asked, hurt.
"Because he's my friend's husband!" She glared at Sephiroth and Kuja, who glared back. They got into a kind of staring/glaring contest as the battle ended and everything returned to normal.
"Can *sniff* Can I be *sniff* normal Zidane a-a-a-again?" Zidane asked shakily, crying in-between. He still hadn't seemed to have gotten over the thought of fighting his wife.
Maia reached into her pocket and handed a tissue to Zidane. "Here, have a hankey. All hail whoever invented the pocket packs of tissues! They're very helpful."

Note: It's true!

He quickly ruined one and Maia sighed and handed him the whole pack, plus another two packs.
"Well, I could change you back... But you're so much more interesting this way!"
Zidane only protested by wailing some more while going through another pack of tissues.
"Oh, what the hey!" Maia remarked and opened her laptop. Typing in a few buttons, a beam shot out of the screen and hit Zidane and he became normal again. Zidane jumped to his feet, smiling.
"Thanks!" he said cheerfully. Whistling, he put his arm around Dagger and they walked off.
"He seems to have gotten over that very quickly," Sephiroth muttered. "How odd..."
"Don't worry about it, Sephiroth," Kuja told him.
"Can we go and save Cloud now?" Maia asked. Sephiroth smiled and nudged Kuja.
"She wants to save him. How cute! Huh? Huh?"
"Hey, dude, stop nudging me."
Sephiroth kept nudging Kuja.
"No, seriously, that hurts!"
Sephiroth still nudged Kuja.
"Okay, do you want to rescue Cloud as well?"
Sephiroth stopped and backed away, his hands held up and he waved them back and forth. "No, no! I'm fine!"
One of Maia's hands went to the hilt of her sword. "Diss me and you die."
"I'm not dissing. You see, it's called a pun and–"
"Why you little–!" Maia screamed and drew her sword, chasing after Sephiroth. She caught up to him and hit him over the head with the flat of her blade.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Don't be so touchy! "
"Arg! You and your puns!" Maia shouted and hit him on the head with the flat of her blade again.

-------------------

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Cloud was racing as fast as he could through Nibelheim, trying to escape all of the "ex-whores" with their dozens upon dozens of photo albums of children named after alcohol. He had even heard that one of the children was named after every Canadians favorite beer logo. Baby I am Canadian! was it's name. He had heard of a couple Baby Rums and a couple Baby Whiskeys as well. It was now too much.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Come back, suga'! We still have to show our wedding photos! You wouldn't believe the weddin' getup I was in!"
One of them clotheslined him and as he lay on the floor, struggling to breathe, she jumped on top of him and tried to wrestle off his clothes.
"No! No! I–I have five wives already!" He held up his right hand and showed her his ring finger, which had numerous gumball machine rings shoved on it. Many of the ex-hoes had already caught up to him.
"Well, you can add another one!" she cried happily, jamming yet another plastic ring on his finger. Cloud screamed some more, then he heard a voice. A voice that, at the moment, sounded as though it had been brought from heaven.
"Cloud! C'mon! We have to go!"
It was Maia.
Cloud shoved off the whore with a burst of energy and ran from the rest of them, towards Maia, Zidane, Dagger, Sephiroth and Kuja. Cloud jumped up into Maia's arms and she sighed for a moment, before struggling to carry him off. She finally sighed again and dropped him. He mumbled something and picked her up instead and carried her off.
The ex-whores stood around, scratching their heads.
"Now where'd that suga' dumplin' go?"
"I dunno. Let's go and feed our children. They need some more crack. It sustains them well."
"Yes, let's."

Note: Children, despite what the whores say, drugs are no good. Don't do drugs! ^_^ As a matter of fact, don't listen to any of the characters in this fic! I've paid them to do all the crazy acts. None of them really do drugs or get hammered. And our whores, they aren't really hoes. They're just paid actors. Now that we've set that straight...
Maia: Hey! I'm not an actor!
Lee: Yeah, but I'm paying you!
Maia: Ah, touché. What about yourself?
Lee: I share with you.
Maia: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!