-------------------------
Back at the castle, whore free....
-------------------------
"Let's take a looksie at this book!" Maia exclaimed. They sat
on the ground, Maia holding the book, the others gathered around her to
read. They began to turn the pages, amazed at what they found. It was a
very odd diary, about the coming of morphine, how it 'enriched' Dr. 666's
life and how he used it on people, mainly pedestrians.
As they sat there, Yuffie poked her head in and saw the group.
"Someone I can sell to!"
She rushed in and started waving around a flyer.
"Heeey, everybody! Would you like to save some gil? Well then,
try 1800-saveyergil! It's fun, easy and free! Simply call us and buy the
program, then we'll hook you up! Then, after you're hooked up and want
to call someone long distance, dial 1, then 9, then 64, then 1897685, then
your number, then 9586475, to complete your call. You'll save a lot of
gil!" she said in a business fashion, really quickly. She took a breath.
"So, wanna buy our program?"
Maia glanced up, sighed, then looked back down. "Sorry, Yuffie.
We don't have the time."
"I waste my breath, again and again and again! And still no sales!
I seriously have to take up selling internet connection or something!"
Yuffie cried, throwing her hands up in dismay and stalking off.
The others returned to their book.
Next, Mikoto came in, holding a bottle of scotch. She looked
at them all, gathered around the book, immersed in thought, their eyes
glazed over.
"You guys look seriously stoned... You guys need booze!" She
tossed some gil at them and left again, downing her scotch. Raucous singing
could be heard from her.
The others returned to their book.
Everything came to a jarring halt as Zell ran in, gasping for
air, a hot dog shoved in his mouth. Screaming could be heard from the hallways.
"Dammit Zell! Anymore hotdogs and you're gonna burst! Come out
here right now or I'll break your neck!"
"I can't come out right now, Librarian Girl with the Funny Pigtails!
I'm busy!" Zell yelled, leaning on the door to hold it shut.
".... Are you eating hot dogs?"
".................... no...." he squeaked.
Pounding could be heard as she tried to break in the door. "Dammit
Zell! I'm gonna rip your head off!" Splinters formed as she kept slamming
into the door. Zell yelped and hid behind Sephiroth, he being the strongest
and tallest of the people around the book. The Librarian Girl with the
Funny Pigtails That Zell's in Love With rammed into the room, the door
shattering. Sephiroth made no attempt to protect Zell and the Librarian
Girl with the Funny Pigtails grabbed Zell by one of his ears and dragged
him off.
"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!"
"Then don't eat hot dogs!"
The others returned to their book.
Hours later, they were still reading, but they didn't really
seem to actually be reading. Their eyes were glazed over and they had stopped
turning the pages hours ago. Sephiroth fell over eventually, hitting his
head on an oddly placed coffee table.
"Ow! Shiva, who placed that precariously-placed coffee table
there!?" he cried, rubbing his head. The coffee table disappeared and Sephiroth
shrugged for a moment, then poked Kuja.
"Wake up, ya lazy bum!"
Kuja fell over to the side, hitting his head on the coffee table
that had oddly appeared beside him.
"Ow! Shiva, who placed that precariously-placed coffee table
there!?" he cried, rubbing his head. He groaned and turned to Cloud, slapping
his over the head.
"Open thine eyes!"
Cloud fell forward and hit his head on the coffee table, which
was now in front of him.
"Ow! Shiva, who placed that precariously-placed coffee table
there!?" he cried, rubbing his head. Cloud shrugged it off and turned and
poked Dagger.
"Up and at 'em!"
She fell over to the side, the coffee table appearing where her
head would land. She hit her head on it.
"Ow! Shiva, who placed that precariously-placed coffee table
there!?" she cried, rubbing her head. She turned to Zidane and poked him.
"Honey, wake up!"
He fell forward, hitting his head on the coffee table, which
was suddenly in front of him.
"Ow! Shiva, who placed that precariously-placed coffee table
there!?" He poked Maia, who woke up without falling over, because she had
better equilibrium. She blinked at him.
"What?"
"The coffee table hit us!" Sephiroth, Kuja, Cloud, Dagger and
Zidane cried, pointing at it.
"It hit you!?" Maia glanced over at it for a moment. "Ohhhhhh,
that's one of our "for purposes only" items. It's there only for the purpose
of being there, mostly to hurt somebody. It's also one of our unruly pets!"
She glared at the coffee table and pointed to the door. "Go! Upstairs,
where no one will trip over you!"
The coffee table whimpered and shuffled away, making odd scraping
sounds on the floor. Everyone sweatdropped.
"Okay, now that that's settled, I think we may have at least
a bit of a plan, or lead, or what ever you may call it. I need to check
my links. You should always check links routinely." Maia pulled out her
laptop and sat down, placing her laptop on her crossed-legs. "Whoo, problem
easily found. The black-hole in closet three, corridor four, second floor,
is malfunctioning. There's our problem and our answer. Let us move out."
"Wha? When did we come to this decision?" Zidane asked.
"Whatever. Let's go!"
"I'm still confused about the links part..." Sephiroth murmured.
Kuja patted him pityingly on the shoulder.
"Don't worry! You'll understand it someday! Wait a second...
What ARE links?"
---------------------------
Upstairs.....
---------------------------
All of them gathered around the closet which would most likely
lead them to Dr. 666's lair... or a dimension of no escape and no return,
coupled with mindless torment...
Anyways, Maia placed her hand in the black hole, groped around
for a second, they all heard a "Hey!" and Maia pulled back a morphine needle.
"Yeah, okay, we got the right place." She threw the needle point-first
back into the black hole and they all heard a "Whee!", then some blissful
singing.
They all jumped into the black hole and reappeared in a stone
castle-like place. A Terraian nurse was dancing around happily, flapping
her hands, her eyes ^^-ing.
"Now where?" Cloud asked, hovering protectively around Maia for
no apparent reason. Maia smiled at him.
"Let's go through"--she scanned the room--"that door." They all
went through "that door" and started climbing the stairs. They were very
long and twisty, as though they were going up a high tower. As they went,
Zidane noticed a lever with a sign that said "SUPER FUN HAPPY SLIDE".
"Hmmm.... Am I ever going to be here again? Nah. Hey, you only
live once!" He yanked the lever down.
A hole opened up behind them and the stairs all collapsed and
everyone slid back and into the hole. They hung in mid-air for a moment,
all glaring at Zidane, who was still hanging onto lever, with half-closed,
exasperated eyes. All together, in a monotonous tone, they all said, "We
hate you." Then they all fell, Maia screaming, "ZIIIIIIIIDDDDDDAAAAAAAANNNNNNNEEEEEEE!!!!!"
Zidane watched, before shrugging and letting go of the lever.
The hole closed up before he could jump into it.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! DAAAAAGGGGGEEEEERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!"
------------------------
Down the hole....
------------------------
Everyone fell and fell and fell and fell and fell and fell and
fell and fell...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHH*breath*HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHH*breath*HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Let's stagger our breathing, so it'll be continuous?" Maia asked.
Everyone shook their heads and continued screaming.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHH*breath*HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHH*breath*HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
.... and fell and fell and fell and fell and fell and fell and
fell and fell and fell and fell... And then they smashed into the floor.
Surprisingly the only hurts they had were bruised heads....
Dagger collapsed to her knees, crying. "Zid-d-d-d-dan-e-e-e-e..."
she whimpered.
"Oh my God, he's such an idiot..." Maia muttered. Sephiroth and
Kuja looked at each other for a moment.
"Wanna kill him?"
"Okay."
"Agreed."
Cloud flocked around Maia, an anxious look on his face. "Are
you okay, my lovely fighter girl?"
"If that's a pick-up line, you have some serious work to do."
"Okay, my lovely woman-warrior."
"Uh.... I guess that's a... step... in the right direction..."
-------------------------
Back up to Mr. Stupid....
-------------------------
Zidane pulled a thread from his pants, a really long one, and
tied it around his wrist. He tied the other around the lever and yanked
it down. The hole opened and the stairs collapsed again. Zidane slid into
the hole, the lever staying down because of the string. Hanging in the
hole, he hung there for a while, then realized that he was in the hole.
He snapped the thread and fell down the hole.
--------------------------
Others again...
-------------------------
They all stood, brushing themselves off. They were readying themselves
to walk, then Maia stopped.
"D'you hear screaming?"
"No," Sephiroth replied.
"Well, I hear screaming. No, really, I hear screaming."
They all looked up and saw a small dot falling. As it came closer,
Dagger cried out.
"That's Zidane!!!!"
"Wonderful. Mr. Stupid threw himself down as well," Maia said
dryly. Dagger, who didn't seem to listen, ran forward and caught Zidane
in her arms, swinging him around, then they both fell over. Dagger began
to laugh happily.
"Zidane! I thought we had lost you!"
"You couldn't lose me! I'm like gum on the bottom of your shoe!"
Everybody shuddered.
"Well, let's remove any unpleasant thoughts of Zidane from our
heads and continue on. We're on the final stretch of our journey guys!"
Maia cried, cutting a heroic figure and pointing down the darkened hallway.
"I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!"
Sephiroth squinted and turned to Kuja. "She must have very good
eye-sight."
Kuja sweatdropped and they all continued on.
Walking down the tunnel, Cloud flocked around Maia, Zidane and
Dagger held hands and Kuja and Sephiroth glanced at each other.
"We have no one," Sephiroth remarked. Kuja shrugged.
"Fight you for Lee later?"
"Ya, okay."
"Agreed."
"Maevee muh mishing King Stoopid!"
They all stopped at the sound of the odd voice and stood there,
eyebrows arched.
"What the hell?" Sephiroth asked, breaking the silence. A little
tye-dyed monster with tiny horns and demented eyes appeared in front of
him.
Weses sereres fores King Stoopid!" it cried, waving it's stubby
arms and sticking out it's tongue. Sephiroth, looking repulsed, threw it
away from him. The little tye-dyed thing landed on Zidane, sniffed him
and started crying, "King Stoopid! King Stoopid!"
"What the hell are you?" Zidane asked, poking the little tye-dyed
monster.
"Weses es stpidienites," it replied, it's words all slurred and
horribly non-sensical.
"You mean, Stupidienites?" Zidane asked, trying to make sense
of the jibberish.
"Yesh, yesh!" it cried, waving it's stubby arms. Zidane pushed
it off of him and continued walking. Suddenly, hundreds of the little tye-dyed
things swarmed out and all jumped on Zidane, some crying, "King Stoopid!"
and others shouting, "Yesh, yesh!"
"Help!!!" Zidane cried, trying to breathe under all the little
tye-dyed Stupidienites. Dagger threw some off of him, digging into the
pile. The ones thrown off simply wandered away, as though they had lost
interest, or had just forgotten what they had been doing.
"Kick 'em! They seem to have only a memory of a couple minutes!"
Dagger shouted. The others stood there, unmoving.
"Should we really help him?" Sephiroth asked.
"Maybe it would be better just to let them carry him away," Maia
remarked. Dagger looked up with tear-filled Bambi eyes at Maia, who sighed
and said, "I am SO going to regret this..." Lunging forward, she kicked
a couple of the tye-dyed monster things and started to haul handfuls of
them off of Zidane. The rest lost interest and simply wandered away, then
turned a different direction and went that way, losing interest in the
direction they had been going.
"Shiva, those things are dumb," Kuja murmured. Cloud was flocking
around Maia again, checking her for bruises or broken nails. She shoved
him away.
"Cloud! I'm okay!!!"
"I'm sorry, I just want to be absolutely sure!"
"Well, I'm fine!"
"Okay....."
Zidane suddenly fell over, laughing stupidly.
"Oh, God, he's joined the ranks....." Maia remarked.
"No! He's just a little goofed up on morphine!"
They all turned, there was a dramatic pause, then they gasped
as they saw Lee, holding a morphine syringe, pushing the thing on the top
of the needle, some of the morphine coming out of the needle. She laughed
demonically and walked towards Maia.
"Can I morphine you? Pleasssseeee?" she asked, standing in front
of Maia.
"No. I'm morphine proof, remember?"
"Oh, yeah. Meh." She shrugged and turned to everyone else. "Anyone
else up for a shot?!" she cried crazily.
They all cried out and tried hiding behind each other, which
ended up with them all falling over. Maia sighed and took out her large
anime mallet.
"Lee, you never learn!" She smashed Lee over the head.
"..... Down I go......" Lee collapsed. Sephiroth glared at Kuja,
who glared at Sephiroth. They stood there, glaring for a moment, then their
eyes flicked to Lee and back to each other, then they lunged towards Lee,
fighting to pick her up and "rescue" her.
"She's mine!" Kuja cried.
"No way! You're too girlie!" Sephiroth shouted, pushing Kuja
aside and sweeping Lee from the ground and into his arms. Lee murmured
sleepily and snuggled into Sephiroth. Sephiroth stuck his tongue out at
Kuja, who glared and picked himself up, brushing himself off.
"Okaaayy.... Now that that shameless display of major over-crush
is over, let us move on!" Maia told them and began to walk. Sephiroth followed,
carrying Lee, Kuja followed him, sulking, and Dagger came up after them,
dragging Zidane by one of his feet, because he was still laughing too hysterically
to stand up and walk in any direction.
---------------------
In Dr. 666's Lair.....
---------------------
Dr. 666 watched a computer screen, which portrayed all of our
heroes, plus an unconscious Lee, walking down the hallway.
"They come nearer. Nurse, when shall they arrive?" he asked a
Terraian nurse, who came to stand beside him. She glanced at the computer,
then around her.
"Well, judging by the fact that this is live, about half an hour."
Suddenly, the door was kicked down and all of the heroes stormed
in.
"..."
"Or since this is an old recording, they're here right now!"
the nurse cried nervously, going into a bout of uncertain laughter. Dr.
666 glared at her.
"... Why you little–!" the mage cried, pulling out his scalpel
and chasing the nurse around as she shrieked. Maia clothes-lined Dr. 666
as he ran past and as he lay there, clutching at his throat, Maia drew
her sword and pointed it at his nose.
"Surrender or die."
"Why do you want to hurt me anyway?" Dr. 666 asked quietly, his
eyes filling with tears. Maia sighed.
"Because we need experience points!"
"What a reason..." Dr. 666 scoffed. Sephiroth and Kuja came forward,
Lee in Sephiroth's arms.
"We had a very good reason! To save Lee!" they cried in unison.
Maia rolled her eyes. Kuja watched Dr. 666 uneasily.
"Ah, yes, Kuja, I remember you..."
Kuja's eyes widened and he took a step back, whimpering. Sephiroth
glared at him.
"Stick it up and be a man!"
"Easy for you to say..." Kuja murmured.
"Hey, it's boss battle time!" Maia cried, waving her absurdly
large and long sword around. "We need to make a party of four! Since Zidane
is on a high and Lee is unconscious, we only need to kick one more out."
Dagger glared at Sephiroth, who glared back at Dagger. They stood
there, glaring at each other for a while. Their eyes flicked to Maia, as
a decision maker, but she only shook her head.
"Nuh uh. I'm not deciding who sits out. Let's settle this like
civilized people. Pick a number between one and ten. Cloud, pick a number,
but don't tell them, okay?"
"No problem."
"Okay. Sephiroth, number between one and ten."
"Seven."
"And you Dagger?"
"Three."
"What's the number, Cloud?" Maia asked. Cloud glanced at her.
"What number?"
"ARG! Cloud! You were supposed to remember the number!"
"Oh well. I've always liked the number five."
Everyone glared at him. He backed away. "What?!"
"Urg... Just do rock paper scissors," Maia said. Sephiroth and
Dagger played rock, paper, scissors and Sephiroth won. Sephiroth stuck
his tongue out at Dagger and Maia hit a couple buttons on her computer
and Sephiroth, Lee and Zidane, who was still laughing hysterically, disappeared.
Maia slowly packed up her computer, turned and pointed her sword at Dr.
666.
"Let's rock."
~~~
Maia: Well, that about wraps it up. Seeya in the next chapter!