Disclaimer: So, I had this dream, could have been a premonition, that I owned everything that had to do with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The writers, the gaffers, the wardrobe, Joss and all the actors. Well, there was a little round of dress up. I was in a leather duster and James was well...ehem. BUT, since it was a premonition and has yet to come true, everything belongs to the Almighty Joss and the Almighty Grr Arrgg Mutant Enemy people etc etc. Don't sue!

Distribution: Want it? Ask me please.

A/N : Sorry this took so long.  I was having posting problems, but they seem to be rectified so we shall continue.  I just got back to college so updates will be.. well... when I can I guess. But since this is my peace from the stressfulness that is college life, I don't expect a huge change in my updating schedule. So, review please 'cause you light up my life!(not gonna sing, not gonna sing.)
PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!!!!!!



Chapter 6: Without You

Buffy retreated from Spike quickly. Once in her bedroom- his bedroom, she flopped on the mattress, her heart beating erratically. That…that was stifling. Her thought process took a vacation and she was left stumbling around in a bunch of questions that suddenly just found their answers. And she couldn't breathe. So many emotions were running rampant. Was life just one big misunderstanding? She lived her life knowing he was out there and tried not to care. And it worked for awhile. But, now there was no denying how many lies she told herself daily. She had moved on, loving her friends and family, but she always wondered what if he came back? He was back and she was at a loss on how she was supposed to feel. She felt too much.


He slid down the wall and seated himself on the floor. A cavalcade of emotions fell over him. He was never uninvited. She wanted to see him. She couldn't breathe?
Why couldn't she just hate him? Hate he could deal with; it would have been justified. But, no, Slayer had to throw him through the loop and forgive him. Forgive him! Oh, Christ, she forgave him! What was he supposed to do now? He'd spent the better part of the last five years trying to get over her and he thought he did a fairly good job, but now, seeing her face, that smile, he melted all over again. He needed a game plan and he needed one fast. He couldn't turn into the man he was before. His freedom changed him and he liked himself again. There was nothing worse than the thought of living for eternity and despising himself. He wouldn't let her have that power over him, not this time. So, the plan of attack: business. "I'm no bloody fool, personal issues will arise, considering I can't look at her and not hear her screaming." He shuddered at the image. "Shake it off, Will."
So, business and personal issues will be discussed, but only as a past tense. I will not fall under the magicks of one Miss Buffy Anne Summers. Besides, once I get her to England and to Giles, she'll be so wrapped up in him, she won't have time to focus on me. And I'll have work to do so I won't focus on her. Good plan, mate. This will work; it has to. Otherwise, I am staring at a severe relapse and risk being place firmly on my undead ass.
It'll work. Like she said, she just wanted to know I was okay. Obviously, I am, for a guy who is so screwed up he can't remember which way is east. I bet she can't wait to go home now. I'm fine; she can breathe easily."


Breathe, Buffy, breathe. You knew this would happen. This was bound to be awkward, seeing your ex-lover, your best ex-lover, who you dumped, who attacked you and who you forgave years ago. Now, you have closure on that subject; it is time for business. Unfortunately, your business is by all rights and purposes his business. Damn it, this is hard. Just focus on the work, Summers. Don't think so much. Don't think about how he came back for you and let Xander scare him away. How could he do that?



"How could you do that?

Spike moved into the doorway to the living room and saw the Slayer with her arms crossed over her sushi-clad chest. She still had those after all these years? "How could I have what, pet?"

"Let Xander run you out of town. You never listened to him before. You never cared what he thought of you."

"He made sense. He said exactly what I was thinking in the back of my head, like he read my thoughts."

"It sounds like you just wanted an easy way out, a reason not to face me."

"There was no 'easy way', Buffy. If I left, I lived without you. If I stayed, I lived without you. And with or without you, I had to live with myself. I couldn't do that in Sunnyhell. Not with your mates around reminding me nightly that I belonged in the devil's ashtray and a part of me wishing for the same as well as a part of you, maybe all of you. Do you know hard it was for me to turn and leave?"

"You were scared," she surmised.

"Yes, I was scared. What are you supposed to say to the woman you love after almost raping her?" He began to get glassy eyes. "Somehow 'I'm sorry' doesn't seem to cut it."

"It would have been a start, Spike." Her green eyes pleaded with blue for a response.
He had none to give her though; he could not trust his voice not to crack under the pressure of syllables.
Spike roughly crossed his arms, protecting himself, trying to control the dam that was about to break. This was too much for him. He knew this conversation would never be an easy one. Buffy always made him feel fully, more than he should and here she was doing it again. He shuddered and press his eyes shut. His knees weakened as he released a huge sob. He turned away from her, his tears glistened in the moonlight.

Buffy tried to swallow her newly forming tears, but as Spike shudders turned to full out shaking, she could no longer stop herself. She reached out and touched his arm. He didn't move as she tentatively encircled him. He tried to remain ridged, but her warm, strong embrace melted away his reserve. He held her to him, holding himself up with her body. He did not care how much he cried or how much the Big Bad had fallen. He did fall and now he had to get up.

"I can't… tell you h-how sorry I am," he managed to say.

Buffy ran her fingers along his bleached hair. "I know you are. I know you are," she kept whispering in his ear. She pulled away from him and took his face between her small hands. "Look at me, William." He obeyed her, however hard it was, he obeyed her. "I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago." Spike didn't say anything; he just listened to her voice and prayed to whomever would hear him that this was not a cruel joke. He couldn't take it. "What Xander said to you, at the time, it was true, but not just for the reason he thought. I was also sad when you left because I couldn't tell you how sorry I was."

"You had noth-"

"No, I did. Spike, I treated you so terribly. I'm not an angel, Spike, and you are not the devil. There was no justification for the things we said and the things we did. But, we did them and said them. That night…and many after, I was angry and hurt and I never wanted to see you again. But, then one day, I saw your jacket and it hit me. The anger had subsided; it wasn't the burden it used to be. And I wanted more than anything to see you, to tell you I forgive you and to tell you I was sorry. I am sorry."

Spike's unneeded breath caught in his throat. He tried to calm himself down and concentrate on her, her scent, her touch and her words. Once he managed to stop his tears, he pulled away from her. He brushed her stained cheeks with his fingertips. Two green orbs looked at him imploringly. She waited for him, to hear him say what she needed to hear.

"I forgive you," he said.
In the distance Spike heard the telephone ring, but he couldn't bring himself to move. It rang four times before annoyance got the better of him. Spike stepped back, wiped his cheeks and shook off his sadness before picking up the phone. It was Giles.

"'Ello, Rupert. Stop shagging Mariland long enough to check your messages I see…Yes, she's here…You're telling me…"

Buffy needed a drink, something cool and wet. She went into the kitchen and opened the side by side refrigerator. "A step up from the one in the crypt." She settled for bottled water. She retrieved a La Luna Loca glass and filled it. She took a seat at the dinette and waited for Spike to get off the phone. She didn't want to hear his one sided conversation with her former Watcher. Former Watcher, former lover, and yet, everything felt so new. She sipped her water carefully. After the confessional in the other room, she didn't trust herself not be sick from all her crying.

Moments later, Spike flew into the kitchen.

"Grab your luggage and your coat; we're leaving tonight."



"Hey, Nibblet,
Got your letter. Buffy gave it to me straight away. Needless to say I was beyond shocked to see her, but I think I hid it well. As I'm writing, your big sis and I are over the Atlantic heading towards merry old England to see the Watcher. This cuts my holiday short, but no worries. We did make it to Clem and Carlotta's wedding though. The Slayer was shoved into all of our demon friends and, happily, she kept her fists to herself. She looked wonderful, what a surprise, and everyone loved her, what a surprise.
To answer one of your numerous questions, yes, we're talking and so far no fighting. I suppose you could say we jumped a large hurtle, but knowing us, we'll return to our state of comfort which is incessant banter. I don't imagine we'll ever agree on everything, I should hope not. I've found myself fighting old urges and I've vowed not to go back there again. None of it ever again.
I miss you, Dawn. Seeing your sis here makes me miss you all the more. Maybe after Buffy goes home, we can see about a visit. Either to England or Buenos Aires. It'll be good for you to travel some. It may be selfish, but I miss my girl.
Cheers,
Love,
Spike


Spike pressed the 'Send' button on his computer screen. He hoped to hear from Dawn soon. Life was so much easier now that he had his laptop. Normally, he would write to Dawn; email was so impersonal, but he wanted an immediate response. He wished Dawn would come to see him. Over the past five years, they've discussed it, but he didn't like her traveling alone for such a distance. That and he knew once he laid eyes on her he would never want to let her go.
Spike looked up from the screen, somewhat bleary eyed. Buffy was sleeping in her chair, which was substantially bigger than normal airplanes. One of the perks of being employed by the Council was the private jet. Spike reclined in his own chair, eyes still on his Slayer. Her face was contorted and she moaned softly. Whatever was rolling around in that head of hers was not particularly pleasant.



She stood in an open area, grass and hills as far as she could see, rolling hills and a thin film of fog. She heard nothing; her words carried no sound. Black clouds loomed overhead and an intense feeling of dread seeped into her system. She needed shelter. A storm was coming and all hell would break loose. She searched, but there was nothing to shield her and no one to help her.
Then she remembered. She was looking for something or someone. It was important, it was the reason she traveled so far.

The Heavens opened up and rained down on her.

"You need to find him," a female voice whispered.

Buffy knew the voice well, but couldn't find the woman.

"Him? Buffy asked. Her hand brushed her lips as she realized regain her voice. "Who are you talking about?
Where can I find him? How?"

"Look."

"Okay, a little more help please. Who am looking for? Come on, Cordelia, show yourself."

The former prom queen appeared behind the Slayer, a puff of smoke dissipating around her glowing figure. Her arms were crossed in front of her as she stared at Buffy.

"I found him, Cordy, like you said to."

"Look harder, deeper, he's there."

"Will he hurt me?"

Cordelia shrugged. "Pain only exists with thought."

"But-"

"No," the deity silenced her. "Don't think. Just listen, flow, feel."

"Jesus, Cordy, cryptic much? Where the hell am I?"

"Don't worry, you'll get here. But, only if he's here too. This won't exist without him."

"Well, so far, I don't want this to exist."

Cordelia smiled. "But it will."

And she was gone. "Isn't that just like Cordelia to be evasive when I need her to be blunt?" Buffy asked the air.

The rain continued as did Buffy's jumbled thoughts. Where was she? Who was she looking for now? She thought she found him already.

BANG!

Thunder cracked and shook the earth. Buffy fell backwards into the soaked ground. The lightning flashed, revealing the land on which she now rested. The rain drops were black as were her hands and the once green grass. She blinked the water from her eyes as she saw a figure tower above her. She tried to get up, but couldn't move.

Panic set in as the figure's wicked laugh pierced her ears and its eyes glared at her. Violet eyes full of poison, stared right through her.

She couldn't look at them, but couldn't look away. She was paralyzed.

"What are you?" she yelled above the storm.

The figure didn't answer. It sneered at her, confidence abounded, and strolled away, leaving the Slayer on the ground.



"Buffy love, wake up. We're almost there."

Buffy slowly opened her eyes briefly forgetting where she was. Her dream was still fresh in her mind. She didn't smell the rain or feel the fog. Then came a voice.

"We will be landing in just a few moments, Mr. Spike. Please put you seat in its proper position."

She was on a plane…with Spike…to England. They were going to England to see Giles.
"Good," Buffy thought. "Maybe he can help me out with my dreams."

She'd been having them for a few months. Every dream was slightly different, as if they were progressing through a fairy tale. But they never gave her any alarm until recently. Cordelia's appearances also made her worried.

"Come on now, Buffy, rise and shine," Spike coaxed. Buffy fully opened her eyes with a grumble. "Never seen someone sleep so much in such a sort amount of time," he smirked.

"You would be too if you kept jumping time zones," Buffy said with a yawn.
Buffy pulled her chair into its upright position and Spike packed up his laptop.
"So, you've come taken a nice step into the computer age. Welcome." Buffy gave him a crooked smile.

"Just because I never owned one till now does not mean I was behind the times."

"Yes, oh ye who still refers to T.V. shows as his 'stories.'"

With his letter from Dawn and his cup of blood in his hand, it had been a pleasant flight, if not tediously long. But, now Buffy was awake, a definite sign that peace was over. They hadn't said much to each other since the confessional back in Buenos Aires. Somehow, they made an understanding that things were alright. The air between them was not a dense mass of tension and eggshells. It was lighter and guilt free, but there was still so much unexplored territory, especially on Buffy's part.

"Who were you writing to?"

"My, aren't we Miss Nosy?" Buffy rolled her tired eyes at him. "I was emailing your sister if you must know."

"You have her address?"

"Why should that surprise you?"

"I-I don't know." She hung her head. It didn't surprise her; it upset her. She wanted to know his address. It seemed wrong that her sister had this close relationship with her ex-lover, knowing about his life, knowing how to contact him. It wasn't fair. For a time, she didn't think it was healthy. Dawn transgressed into her crush phase again. Buffy saw book covers with his initial on it and the "D+S=4-eva" embedded into it. Dawn insisted the "S" was not for Spike, but Buffy had her doubts. She refrained from saying anything else. Dawn was the only link she had to Spike and that needed to be preserved.
"I know you and Dawn are still close. You always have been and I respect that. You treat her like she is your sister."

"It's more than that, Buffy." Buffy blinked her eyes at that statement. "I love Dawn like she is my daughter. I know I'm no father, but like I tell her, she's my girl."

It was a touching sentiment, especially coming from Spike. He was so blasé. "He did that," she thought. "One day all he does is express how he feels body and…mind, and then the next he shows complacency. He said Dawn was like his child as if it was the most normal thing to say, like he was saying 'I want waffles this morning.'" His words still touched her though because she knew they were genuine.



"My dear Buffy!"
The Watcher enveloped his Slayer in his arms when she ran off the airstrip. "I missed you so much."

"Me too, Giles, so much," agreed Buffy, a tear of joy ran down her cheek.

"We should have kept in touch over the past years."

"I know. I'm sorry, Giles."

He pulled back from her arms and studied her face, such wisdom for one still so young. "No apologizes necessary, Buffy. You're here and that's all that matters. I trust the trip was pleasant?"

"Oh, wonderfully pleasant, Rupes," Spike confirmed as he approached the reunited pair. "Nothing I liked more than being stuck on a plane for fourteen hours."

Giles put his hand out for the vampire. "Spike, good to see you," he greeted.

Spike took the offered hand. "Rupert," he returned with a sound shake. "The boys are loading the luggage into the car so why don't we head home?"

"Good idea. I'm sure you both could use some rest."

"Rest? Buffy protested. "What do you think we were doing for the last fourteen hours? I think we should figure out what is going on with this Leila chick."

"In due time, Buffy, in due time. If you don't want the respite, I certainly do. The book is safe, yes?"

"I'm not incompetent, Giles," Spike sneered. "I have it right here." Spike nodded his head to the attaché by his side. "Actually, the book seems to be split in two. The leather on the back looks like it was torn. But, I assume the usual procedures will be ordered."

"Of course, especially in these circumstances. They'll be arriving tomorrow, if not later this evening so we must press on."
Buffy shook her head in confusion. "What are you guys talking about? What procedures for the book and who's coming?"

Giles removed his glasses and set to cleaning them with the hem of his shirt. "It is very simple really. But, first, you must prepare yourself for someone who is quite anxious to see you, both of you actually. I'm afraid you will not be too pleased."



I'm sure you can all guess who she's going to see, but if you can't, just wait! If you want me to email you my next update is, just let me know and I will do so. :)