by: Saku-Yume
Chapter Three: Speaking Without Listening
Kaoru walked into a dark and empty dojo that night. That was how she felt inside. Empty. Alone. Confused…
She pulled the ornate chopsticks from her hair, letting it fall gracefully down her silk-adorned back. She looked down at herself in the moonlight. Pretty Kimono, pretty slippers, pretty hair… pretty girl. She was everything she always thought she wanted to be. She sighed. Somehow she thought she'd be happier…
That's because, her inner voice said, you always imagined impressing Kenshin with these qualities. Instead you've barely spent time with him. You barely talk anymore. And it's because of Shouri.
But he helped you, another voice said. He made you this way and he compliments you and appreciates your hard work. Kenshin…
Kenshin doesn't care about you the way I do, my flower, echoed Shouri's voice. Kaoru's knees felt weak. Even his memory disarmed her. Sometimes she liked the way Shouri made her feel. But there were the times she didn't. She felt like her self control was stolen and all of a sudden he was her very persuasive and charming, unassuming puppet master. But he changed roles so suddenly that it left Kaoru feeling dizzy.
She walked silently to the kitchen and sat down at the table. So many things were going on in her head. So many things had changed. So many things had become difficult and confusing.
At least before when she was a tomboy, she had her head on straight, even if it was up in the clouds.
But Kenshin never appreciated you. He still doesn't. If he did, he'd have shown it by now, the second voice said. Shouri tells you how he feels…
True, spoke the first voice. But how does he make you feel?
Kaoru put her head in her hands. She didn't know why, but she suddenly started crying.
Kenshin had been watching her from the moment she walked through the gates as he always did of late. He knew something was wrong. Something had been wrong for a long time, ever since that man showed up spouting his pretty words full of promise… full of veiled deceit and ulterior motives…
His eyes sparked gold for the briefest of moments. How he hated the man. His hold over Kaoru wasn't right. It was almost unnatural. His influence on her was even worse. Not only was she neglecting her home and student but she was also neglecting herself. Kenshin knew that. She wasn't happy. She hadn't smiled in so long…
And you haven't helped, a voice said. Neither will you tell her how you feel nor help her. You don't even talk anymore.
It's her life. She's not in any immediate danger that I can see, so what exactly should I do?
Rescue her from her folly. She's obviously unhappy and you don't trust the man- as you very well should not. Isn't that enough?
I haven't spoken my feelings about her in the past. To come forth now in the name of jealousy will achieve nothing. She is…
Enchanted and dazzled… and confused. It's not real for her… You know her. She will awaken with or without you. At least you can be there to save her.
She doesn't want to be saved by me anymore. She's found a new hero.
The voice paused. I never remembered you being so full of excuses. Or in such demand of reason. There was a time when because was enough for you.
Kenshin closed his eyes. She deserves more than because.
On the contrary. Because might be just enough. She deserves more than silence. Go. Talk to her. She's in need of something. At least find out what.
Kenshin rose after long moments and headed out of his room. She hadn't lit any candles. He listened, She was in the kitchen. Was she… crying?
Kaoru heard footsteps and quickly wiped away her tears hoping it was too dark to see that she'd been crying.
She looked over at Kenshin as he entered. There was an odd silence between them.
"Ohayo, Kaoru-dono."
"Ohayo, Kenshin."
More silence. She had been crying but she hid it well, Kenshin noted.
"Are you alright?" he asked.
"Hai. I'm just a little… hungry."
"No dinner tonight?" Watch the spite, the voice warned.
Kaoru shook her head. In the confusion she'd left without eating. Her stomach growled in confirmation.
"I made some onigiri and miso-soup. It's nothing fancy but..." Kenshin said. The voice within him sighed, exasperated. Try to keep a hold on the sarcasm, lover boy. She won't respond to that. Save it for the one you really hate.
Kenshin heard the slight hurt in Kenshin's voice and her heart twisted. She smiled as pleasantly as she could at him and said, "that would be lovely, thank you."
Kenshin nodded, not looking at her. Lovely… he mumbled inwardly. He had to admit, Shouri had done a hell of a job finishing her. She was… what?… even more perfect? She was a perfect porcelain doll. Beautiful, quiet, respectful and accommodating. Kenshin preferred the tanuki, jou-chan, bokken wielding cutie she once was… at least then she had a distinct personality. His anger at Kurokami stirred as he prepared her food. He remained silent, too angry to speak.
Kaoru felt the tension rolling off of him and saddened. What had she done to make him hate her so? He wouldn't even look at her. Then again, she wasn't sure if she could handle the pain in his eyes again. She almost started to cry once more.
Like I said, he doesn't appreciate you. He's upset that another man would actually want you. He's jealous of Kurokami and angry that you're no longer his little number one fan. He wishes…
That's not true, her slowly fading first voice exclaimed. Kenshin would never feel that way… he…
Kenshin placed the food in front of her with borderline briskness. He couldn't help it. The more he thought about Kurokami, the more he wanted to slice off his head and put it on display for everyone who would ever want to change anyone ever again. "Excuse me, I'm going back to bed." He said flatly.
Kaoru's heart wrenched. Why did he sound that way? "Okay," she said weakly, imminent tears making her voice waver slightly.
Before he left she whispered. "I'd like you to come to a sort of graduation dinner tomorrow at school. If… if you want to… I'd appreciate it."
Kenshin paused. He closed his eyes biting back rage. He'd never seen Kaoru so unsure and unhappy before. It was all Kurokami's fault. The man, he decided, would pay, and dearly. "Sure. I'll go." He walked away.
Good going, lover boy. You do know that you fucked up big time just now right?
I don't care. I'll fix everything later. She's too broken to understand what's going on anyway.
The voice sighed. Now you're in deluded denial… underestimation was never something that served you well…
Kaoru braced her hands on the table and bent over, sobbing silently. She'd taken his tone for sarcastic scorn. It hurt. The pain shook her body in violent soundless sobs. With a weak final statement, her first voice died. He really doesn't care anymore, it said in heartbroken resignation.
She cried for a long time letting her food get cold. She'd lost her appetite anyway. Then she finally stopped. For no reason. She wiped her eyes and cheeks and looked at the food. She got up without touching it.
Emblematically she twisted her hair up and put the chopsticks back in. "If he doesn't appreciate me, I don't care. Shouri does. He liked me for who I was and made me be who I wanted to be. That's all that matters." Her new inner self settled in comfortably.
There was no voice to point out that if Shouri really cared, he'd not have changed anything about her at all. Not her own voice. Not Kenshin's voice…
She left the kitchen fully transformed.
Somewhere Kurokami Shouri smiled in his sleep…
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To be continued…