Chapter 11
"Stronger"
*************
The self-defense classes were Susan's idea. She had heard about them from someone in her Yoga class who recommended them because of the great workout and, most importantly, the handsome instructor. It took some serious persuading, but Susan was finally able to drag a reluctant Abby along. In the months following the ordeal with Brian the two women had developed a friendship that was surprising to both of them. Susan put forth more of an effort to get to know the nurse, only because she felt sorry for her in the beginning. And Abby responded with a politeness that started out as guilt for - sort of - "stealing" Carter. Neither had expected that they would find so much in common or actually have fun spending time together. Now they were friends because they wanted to be, not out of pity or guilt. And at first the gym was just a place to hang out and get some exercise - to burn off the calories from all the pizzas Carter was ordering since he got fed up with being the only good cook in the house, Abby told Susan, and they had laughed - which was fine with Abby, but a self-defense class felt too much like a way to remind herself of being attacked. Sitting in a courtroom with Brian glancing over his shoulder at her every few minutes had been enough to do that. With him in prison and the blissful realization that she would never have to see his face again, Abby wanted to be rid of anything that might spark the slightest memory of the man who, more than once, came close to ending her life.
Yet here she was limbering up in sweats and one of Carter's white t-shirts that had shrunk in the wash, her hair, lightened by the summer sun and longer than she usually kept it, tied back in a loose ponytail. It wasn't her first class. By now she could list off the names of almost every woman who attended and why they were there. Most just wanted to know a little more about protecting themselves, but there were some like Abby who had a deeper reason for showing up each week. She had left the first week telling herself and Susan she would never go back. Being pinned to a mat and struggling to get free, whether it was staged or not, was too reminiscent of the fateful night in her apartment. Somehow Susan managed to talk Abby into just tagging along next time to keep her company. Lame excuse, but it had worked and slowly but surely Abby began to join in with the activities. Instead of a constant reminder of her attacker it became a catharsis, a release for her too often repressed fury. Susan laughed when Abby confessed the euphoria she felt the first time she knocked down their instructor, who was at least twice her size.
Less and less she grappled with the desire to drink.
"So when are you and Carter getting hitched?" Susan arched her back, stretching forward to touch the tips of her tennis shoes.
Abby stopped mid-lunge, hands on her hips, and looked down at her friend with a critical eye. "Hitched? Gee, I dunno. Not until Ma and Pa says it's ok, I reckon."
Susan giggled and sat up in a cross-legged position. "It's just an expression. And that is the worst Southern accent I have ever heard."
"What can I say? I'm from Minnesota." Plopping lightly onto the floor beside the woman, Abby leaned back on her hands, leaving her legs straight out in front of her. "Carter and I haven't really reached that... that..."
"Level?"
"Level. Yet. We're just taking it step by step." She knew it was a cliché, but it was true. The fact that her stay at Carter's had become permanent somewhere along the line didn't change the pace of their relationship. They'd had their awkward first date months ago and progressed from there like any normal couple. Any normal couple pushed together by abnormal circumstance.
Susan let the explanation hang in the air for awhile and decided to move on lest she make Abby uncomfortable. She hummed the notes of a song that had suddenly popped into her head. Unable to place it at first, she continued to hum, despite the strange look Abby was giving her, until the lyrics finally came to mind and out of her mouth, "Step by step. Oooh, baby. Gonna get to ya gi-ii-irl..."
They stared at each other in amazement before simultaneously bursting into laughter that drew some attention from the other members of their group.
"Oh my God, did you just sing a New Kids on the Block song?!" Abby pronounced the band name with the playful insinuation that it was pure evil.
Quieting the mirthful sounds with a hand over her mouth, Susan nodded. "Your 'step by step' thing reminded me of it. I haven't heard that song in years."
"Well, that is something to be thankful for."
"They weren't that bad. Donnie was cute."
"Eh." Abby shrugged and avoided Susan's gaze so she could keep a straight face as she added, "I liked Joey."
They were still giggling when the muscular instructor entered the room, flashing a smile that showed off his perfectly straight, perfectly white teeth. His shaggy blond hair and piercing blue eyes looked even more vivid than usual, set off by the dark blue of his tank top and shorts. Susan mouthed 'Whoa' to Abby as they got to their feet.
"All right, ladies, I'm gonna need two volunteers for this," the man was saying, waving everyone in the room over to him.
Susan grabbed Abby's arm and towed her quickly forward, whispering in the shorter woman's ear, "Let's go kick some ass!"
*************
"Step one: We can have lots of fun."
"Step two: There's so much we can do."
Susan snapped her fingers several times as if that would help click the next verse together in her head. She and Abby were on their way through the doors of Cook County General, refreshed after what Susan called kicking "pretty boy" butt, and they were trying to remember the different steps to the NKOTB song. "Step three: It's... it's..."
"Just you and me," Abby offered. "Step four-"
"I can give you more!" They were both grinning when Frank looked up from behind the front desk and said,
"Here comes trouble." He waited till they made it around to his side and questioned with a lifted eyebrow, "Does your mother know you're out, little girls?"
"Watch it, Frank," Susan warned. "These little girls could take you DOWN." She teasingly jabbed at him with her fist and he scowled, rubbing his arm. As far as he was concerned, they were way too perky for this heat. He wanted to go home and vegetate in front of the air conditioner.
Abby watched with amusement, unaware that Carter was behind her till she felt his hand on the small of her back. She tilted her face up for the customary kiss they greeted each other with these days. Susan smiled at them as she headed towards the lounge.
"Remember, Abby. Ya-Yas on Friday."
"Ya-Yas?" Carter sounded clueless.
"Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood," Abby explained. "Neither of us has seen it yet so we made plans to go Friday. You can come if you want."
Carter's expression was very similar to the one he wore when he had to work a double shift. "Uhh, I think I'll pass. Besides, I wouldn't want to interfere on your and Susan's date."
"You're cute when you're jealous," Abby gibed, standing on tiptoe to claim another kiss. He willingly obliged, hugging her lightly around the waist and forgetting for a moment that they were at work. Frank clearing his throat in the background was a gruff reminder.
"You smell nice," Carter murmured, lingering close for a second longer before they observed a respectable distance.
"You like that? It's called shampoo." Abby smiled and ignored an annoyed groan from Frank. "I took a shower at the gym."
The cranky desk clerk grumbled something about her and Carter both needing to take cold showers and get back to work. None of them noticed the person who had wandered over and patiently waited for an opening to speak.
"Abby Lockhart?"
"Yeah?" She turned to face a tall, sophisticated looking older woman whose red hair was swept up in a stylish bun that revealed wisps of silver at her temples and the nape of her neck. It immediately struck Abby how much the woman looked like Joyce, just as it had the first time she saw the lady seated in the back of the courtroom, weeping silently into a tissue.
"Hello," the woman hesitated like it was hard to find the right words. "My name is Roberta Neill. This is my husband, Timothy." She gestured to the equally tall man at her side.
"You might remember seeing us in court. We're Joyce's parents."
Abby nodded and couldn't think of anything to say besides, "Hello." There was a long pause that Timothy finally interrupted by reaching out to shake her hand. She accepted then did the same when Roberta's hand was extended as well.
"I hope it's all right for us to be here," Roberta said, a touch nervous as she glanced at the patients waiting in Chairs. "We didn't know where else to reach you."
"Oh, it's..." Abby hoped she didn't sound as wary as she felt. She had avoided conversation with them before, just as they had seemed to avoid her, separated in their grief that was so raw at the time and could all be linked back to Brian. "That's fine."
"We can't stay long," Timothy spoke up, rescuing them from another uncomfortable pause. He knew this was difficult for his wife and he had a feeling it was just as difficult for the young woman they'd come to see. He held Roberta's hand and looked at Abby with kind blue-gray eyes. "We're only passing through, but we wanted to stop and tell you how much we appreciate what you tried to do for our little girl. It was hard for us to say before because we couldn't believe she was really gone."
Carter sensed the guilt that resurfaced in Abby. He'd never been able convince her that she had helped Joyce and that the woman's death was not her fault. They rarely spoke of it anymore.
"I know you probably regret getting involved with Joyce and her problems," Roberta continued, "And I don't blame you. It's appalling what happened. We begged her not to marry that boy. I knew nothing good would come of it. When the abuse started we did everything we could to get her to leave him, but she refused. Then he moved her away from us." The woman choked up and had to stop.
"What my wife is trying to say is though it may not seem like it, what you did was so significant. Joyce never would have listened to us, she wouldn't even listen when her friends persuaded her to leave Brian, but you were able to make her see what a monster that man is. You helped her, Miss Lockhart," Timothy emphasized the last line, noticing the doubt that flickered in the nurse's expressive brown eyes. "More than any of us could."
About two months prior to this unexpected visit Abby had decided she was all cried out. She no longer woke from nightmares with a pillow wetted by tears. She had regained the ability to bottle her emotions away for safe keeping. But the Neill's gratitude shook up one of those bottles and Abby knew her eyes were red with unshed tears. "I just did what I thought was right. You don't have to thank me for that," she managed to say before the steadiness of her voice crumbled.
Roberta pressed her lips together, composing herself, and dug into the purse that was suspended on her shoulder. "I have something for you," she said, her hand surfacing with a small box that she presented to Abby. "I had bought it for Joyce's birthday, but... never got the chance to give it to her. I'd like you to have it."
"Oh, I couldn't," Abby shook her head lightly and didn't take the box.
"Please." Roberta gently pushed the gift into Abby's hand, closing the nurse's fingers around it incase she tried to object again. The older woman's hand rested over Abby's momentarily and then she stepped back to her husband's side.
Abby and the Neills exchanged wordless glances, then finally smiled at each other when in unison they all said, "Thank you."
"Goodbye, Miss Lockhart," Timothy nodded to the woman and to Carter, who had been a silent witness of the entire scene.
Roberta waved and added, "God bless you." And then they were gone.
Frank had long since disappeared, so there was no one nearby but Carter to spy the single tear that slid down Abby's cheek as she looked at the box.
"Open it," Carter encouraged, wanting to kiss that tear away. He hated to see her cry. But he also knew she needed to.
Carefully Abby removed the lid to reveal a delicate silver chain threaded through a heart shaped pendant with a tiny angel, its wings spread and hands uplifted towards heaven, on the front. She lifted the pendant between her thumb and index finger, turning it over to see the inscription on the back which simply read "Freedom." It was beautiful and Abby didn't think she had any right to call it her own. But it was.
"Here, let me," Carter held out his palm. He waited until she had lifted her long hair up on her head, baring the soft skin of her neck and shoulders and the tan he knew came from a casual stroll they had taken out by the water a few days before. With his nimble doctor fingers, Carter undid the clasp and looped the necklace around Abby's throat. When it was hooked in place, he leaned in to press his lips tenderly against the bronzed skin at the curve of her neck, thinking how fragile that spot had seemed when it was darkened by the hateful marks leftover from Brian's hands and how fragile it seemed now with the barely visible silver chain resting against it. He wished he could see if she was healing as well on the inside as she had on the outside.
"Thank you, John." Abby turned to him, letting her hair fall back into place.
"You're welcome."
"I don't just mean about the necklace," she said softly. "I mean for sticking with me through all of this and being so patient about... everything. I know it hasn't been easy for you, either. And I don't want you to feel obligated now-"
"What are you saying?"
She wasn't meeting his gaze and the words tumbled from her mouth hastily. "I'm saying if you want to move on I understand. I don't want you to think you have to take care of me or stay with me just because-"
"Hey." Carter cupped her face in his hands, raising it so she had to look at him. "I haven't done anything because I thought I HAD to, I did it because I wanted to. You're important to me, Abby." He could feel the weight of what he was about to say on his tongue and he knew they were both ready to hear it. "I love you. And I'm not going anywhere."
Abby had heard promises like that before from her father, her mother, her ex-husband - some of most essential people in her life - but coming from Carter it was the first time she let herself believe it. Maybe Joyce's parents were right and some good had come from an awful situation. Joyce, even if only for a little while, had been free and Abby, back to regular life but forever changed, had found someone to trust.
THE END
"Stronger"
*************
The self-defense classes were Susan's idea. She had heard about them from someone in her Yoga class who recommended them because of the great workout and, most importantly, the handsome instructor. It took some serious persuading, but Susan was finally able to drag a reluctant Abby along. In the months following the ordeal with Brian the two women had developed a friendship that was surprising to both of them. Susan put forth more of an effort to get to know the nurse, only because she felt sorry for her in the beginning. And Abby responded with a politeness that started out as guilt for - sort of - "stealing" Carter. Neither had expected that they would find so much in common or actually have fun spending time together. Now they were friends because they wanted to be, not out of pity or guilt. And at first the gym was just a place to hang out and get some exercise - to burn off the calories from all the pizzas Carter was ordering since he got fed up with being the only good cook in the house, Abby told Susan, and they had laughed - which was fine with Abby, but a self-defense class felt too much like a way to remind herself of being attacked. Sitting in a courtroom with Brian glancing over his shoulder at her every few minutes had been enough to do that. With him in prison and the blissful realization that she would never have to see his face again, Abby wanted to be rid of anything that might spark the slightest memory of the man who, more than once, came close to ending her life.
Yet here she was limbering up in sweats and one of Carter's white t-shirts that had shrunk in the wash, her hair, lightened by the summer sun and longer than she usually kept it, tied back in a loose ponytail. It wasn't her first class. By now she could list off the names of almost every woman who attended and why they were there. Most just wanted to know a little more about protecting themselves, but there were some like Abby who had a deeper reason for showing up each week. She had left the first week telling herself and Susan she would never go back. Being pinned to a mat and struggling to get free, whether it was staged or not, was too reminiscent of the fateful night in her apartment. Somehow Susan managed to talk Abby into just tagging along next time to keep her company. Lame excuse, but it had worked and slowly but surely Abby began to join in with the activities. Instead of a constant reminder of her attacker it became a catharsis, a release for her too often repressed fury. Susan laughed when Abby confessed the euphoria she felt the first time she knocked down their instructor, who was at least twice her size.
Less and less she grappled with the desire to drink.
"So when are you and Carter getting hitched?" Susan arched her back, stretching forward to touch the tips of her tennis shoes.
Abby stopped mid-lunge, hands on her hips, and looked down at her friend with a critical eye. "Hitched? Gee, I dunno. Not until Ma and Pa says it's ok, I reckon."
Susan giggled and sat up in a cross-legged position. "It's just an expression. And that is the worst Southern accent I have ever heard."
"What can I say? I'm from Minnesota." Plopping lightly onto the floor beside the woman, Abby leaned back on her hands, leaving her legs straight out in front of her. "Carter and I haven't really reached that... that..."
"Level?"
"Level. Yet. We're just taking it step by step." She knew it was a cliché, but it was true. The fact that her stay at Carter's had become permanent somewhere along the line didn't change the pace of their relationship. They'd had their awkward first date months ago and progressed from there like any normal couple. Any normal couple pushed together by abnormal circumstance.
Susan let the explanation hang in the air for awhile and decided to move on lest she make Abby uncomfortable. She hummed the notes of a song that had suddenly popped into her head. Unable to place it at first, she continued to hum, despite the strange look Abby was giving her, until the lyrics finally came to mind and out of her mouth, "Step by step. Oooh, baby. Gonna get to ya gi-ii-irl..."
They stared at each other in amazement before simultaneously bursting into laughter that drew some attention from the other members of their group.
"Oh my God, did you just sing a New Kids on the Block song?!" Abby pronounced the band name with the playful insinuation that it was pure evil.
Quieting the mirthful sounds with a hand over her mouth, Susan nodded. "Your 'step by step' thing reminded me of it. I haven't heard that song in years."
"Well, that is something to be thankful for."
"They weren't that bad. Donnie was cute."
"Eh." Abby shrugged and avoided Susan's gaze so she could keep a straight face as she added, "I liked Joey."
They were still giggling when the muscular instructor entered the room, flashing a smile that showed off his perfectly straight, perfectly white teeth. His shaggy blond hair and piercing blue eyes looked even more vivid than usual, set off by the dark blue of his tank top and shorts. Susan mouthed 'Whoa' to Abby as they got to their feet.
"All right, ladies, I'm gonna need two volunteers for this," the man was saying, waving everyone in the room over to him.
Susan grabbed Abby's arm and towed her quickly forward, whispering in the shorter woman's ear, "Let's go kick some ass!"
*************
"Step one: We can have lots of fun."
"Step two: There's so much we can do."
Susan snapped her fingers several times as if that would help click the next verse together in her head. She and Abby were on their way through the doors of Cook County General, refreshed after what Susan called kicking "pretty boy" butt, and they were trying to remember the different steps to the NKOTB song. "Step three: It's... it's..."
"Just you and me," Abby offered. "Step four-"
"I can give you more!" They were both grinning when Frank looked up from behind the front desk and said,
"Here comes trouble." He waited till they made it around to his side and questioned with a lifted eyebrow, "Does your mother know you're out, little girls?"
"Watch it, Frank," Susan warned. "These little girls could take you DOWN." She teasingly jabbed at him with her fist and he scowled, rubbing his arm. As far as he was concerned, they were way too perky for this heat. He wanted to go home and vegetate in front of the air conditioner.
Abby watched with amusement, unaware that Carter was behind her till she felt his hand on the small of her back. She tilted her face up for the customary kiss they greeted each other with these days. Susan smiled at them as she headed towards the lounge.
"Remember, Abby. Ya-Yas on Friday."
"Ya-Yas?" Carter sounded clueless.
"Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood," Abby explained. "Neither of us has seen it yet so we made plans to go Friday. You can come if you want."
Carter's expression was very similar to the one he wore when he had to work a double shift. "Uhh, I think I'll pass. Besides, I wouldn't want to interfere on your and Susan's date."
"You're cute when you're jealous," Abby gibed, standing on tiptoe to claim another kiss. He willingly obliged, hugging her lightly around the waist and forgetting for a moment that they were at work. Frank clearing his throat in the background was a gruff reminder.
"You smell nice," Carter murmured, lingering close for a second longer before they observed a respectable distance.
"You like that? It's called shampoo." Abby smiled and ignored an annoyed groan from Frank. "I took a shower at the gym."
The cranky desk clerk grumbled something about her and Carter both needing to take cold showers and get back to work. None of them noticed the person who had wandered over and patiently waited for an opening to speak.
"Abby Lockhart?"
"Yeah?" She turned to face a tall, sophisticated looking older woman whose red hair was swept up in a stylish bun that revealed wisps of silver at her temples and the nape of her neck. It immediately struck Abby how much the woman looked like Joyce, just as it had the first time she saw the lady seated in the back of the courtroom, weeping silently into a tissue.
"Hello," the woman hesitated like it was hard to find the right words. "My name is Roberta Neill. This is my husband, Timothy." She gestured to the equally tall man at her side.
"You might remember seeing us in court. We're Joyce's parents."
Abby nodded and couldn't think of anything to say besides, "Hello." There was a long pause that Timothy finally interrupted by reaching out to shake her hand. She accepted then did the same when Roberta's hand was extended as well.
"I hope it's all right for us to be here," Roberta said, a touch nervous as she glanced at the patients waiting in Chairs. "We didn't know where else to reach you."
"Oh, it's..." Abby hoped she didn't sound as wary as she felt. She had avoided conversation with them before, just as they had seemed to avoid her, separated in their grief that was so raw at the time and could all be linked back to Brian. "That's fine."
"We can't stay long," Timothy spoke up, rescuing them from another uncomfortable pause. He knew this was difficult for his wife and he had a feeling it was just as difficult for the young woman they'd come to see. He held Roberta's hand and looked at Abby with kind blue-gray eyes. "We're only passing through, but we wanted to stop and tell you how much we appreciate what you tried to do for our little girl. It was hard for us to say before because we couldn't believe she was really gone."
Carter sensed the guilt that resurfaced in Abby. He'd never been able convince her that she had helped Joyce and that the woman's death was not her fault. They rarely spoke of it anymore.
"I know you probably regret getting involved with Joyce and her problems," Roberta continued, "And I don't blame you. It's appalling what happened. We begged her not to marry that boy. I knew nothing good would come of it. When the abuse started we did everything we could to get her to leave him, but she refused. Then he moved her away from us." The woman choked up and had to stop.
"What my wife is trying to say is though it may not seem like it, what you did was so significant. Joyce never would have listened to us, she wouldn't even listen when her friends persuaded her to leave Brian, but you were able to make her see what a monster that man is. You helped her, Miss Lockhart," Timothy emphasized the last line, noticing the doubt that flickered in the nurse's expressive brown eyes. "More than any of us could."
About two months prior to this unexpected visit Abby had decided she was all cried out. She no longer woke from nightmares with a pillow wetted by tears. She had regained the ability to bottle her emotions away for safe keeping. But the Neill's gratitude shook up one of those bottles and Abby knew her eyes were red with unshed tears. "I just did what I thought was right. You don't have to thank me for that," she managed to say before the steadiness of her voice crumbled.
Roberta pressed her lips together, composing herself, and dug into the purse that was suspended on her shoulder. "I have something for you," she said, her hand surfacing with a small box that she presented to Abby. "I had bought it for Joyce's birthday, but... never got the chance to give it to her. I'd like you to have it."
"Oh, I couldn't," Abby shook her head lightly and didn't take the box.
"Please." Roberta gently pushed the gift into Abby's hand, closing the nurse's fingers around it incase she tried to object again. The older woman's hand rested over Abby's momentarily and then she stepped back to her husband's side.
Abby and the Neills exchanged wordless glances, then finally smiled at each other when in unison they all said, "Thank you."
"Goodbye, Miss Lockhart," Timothy nodded to the woman and to Carter, who had been a silent witness of the entire scene.
Roberta waved and added, "God bless you." And then they were gone.
Frank had long since disappeared, so there was no one nearby but Carter to spy the single tear that slid down Abby's cheek as she looked at the box.
"Open it," Carter encouraged, wanting to kiss that tear away. He hated to see her cry. But he also knew she needed to.
Carefully Abby removed the lid to reveal a delicate silver chain threaded through a heart shaped pendant with a tiny angel, its wings spread and hands uplifted towards heaven, on the front. She lifted the pendant between her thumb and index finger, turning it over to see the inscription on the back which simply read "Freedom." It was beautiful and Abby didn't think she had any right to call it her own. But it was.
"Here, let me," Carter held out his palm. He waited until she had lifted her long hair up on her head, baring the soft skin of her neck and shoulders and the tan he knew came from a casual stroll they had taken out by the water a few days before. With his nimble doctor fingers, Carter undid the clasp and looped the necklace around Abby's throat. When it was hooked in place, he leaned in to press his lips tenderly against the bronzed skin at the curve of her neck, thinking how fragile that spot had seemed when it was darkened by the hateful marks leftover from Brian's hands and how fragile it seemed now with the barely visible silver chain resting against it. He wished he could see if she was healing as well on the inside as she had on the outside.
"Thank you, John." Abby turned to him, letting her hair fall back into place.
"You're welcome."
"I don't just mean about the necklace," she said softly. "I mean for sticking with me through all of this and being so patient about... everything. I know it hasn't been easy for you, either. And I don't want you to feel obligated now-"
"What are you saying?"
She wasn't meeting his gaze and the words tumbled from her mouth hastily. "I'm saying if you want to move on I understand. I don't want you to think you have to take care of me or stay with me just because-"
"Hey." Carter cupped her face in his hands, raising it so she had to look at him. "I haven't done anything because I thought I HAD to, I did it because I wanted to. You're important to me, Abby." He could feel the weight of what he was about to say on his tongue and he knew they were both ready to hear it. "I love you. And I'm not going anywhere."
Abby had heard promises like that before from her father, her mother, her ex-husband - some of most essential people in her life - but coming from Carter it was the first time she let herself believe it. Maybe Joyce's parents were right and some good had come from an awful situation. Joyce, even if only for a little while, had been free and Abby, back to regular life but forever changed, had found someone to trust.
THE END