Disclaimer: All I want for Christmas is the rights to BtVS and James Marsters placed under the mistletoe. Do you think Santa could come down the chimney with all that? I'll leave plenty of room underneath the tree! Merry Christmas to me!

A/N: Thank you so much everyone! The reviews have been wonderful and I could not be happier at the positive feedback I have received. In case you don't hear from me until later, I hope everyone enjoys the holidays and be safe!!!! Happy Holidays:)


Chapter 19: As I Am


Despite his normal stoic countenance, a storm raged in Quentin Travers' eyes, a mixture of hurt and fury crashing together. He looked at his wayward son being restrained by two of his stronger men in case the boy should try to put up resistance. So, far he had not. The father's old eyes bored into his son's once youthful dark orbs, now full of despair. Neither said a word, but Colin wanted his father to say something-anything to erase the silent disappointing stare he gave to everyone else. Colin wasn't "everyone else!" He was his son, God damn it! His son!

It didn't matter though. His father just sighed, turned and walked away.

"Fuck you!" Colin screamed at the retreating back. "Fuck you!" Colin fought against the men latched to his arms. They barely had a hold on the enraged man. "Come back here, you bastard!" Colin tried not to cry, he really did. Tears were a weakness to Quentin Travers. He didn't even cry when Colin's mother died, or if he did, he was alone, not making a spectacle like the young son was. "Father," he pleaded.

Quentin stopped. He looked once more at his broken son. Never had he seen him in such a state. He gave a nod to two more guards by the door.

The men joined the others with Colin and carried him away. Colin did not say anymore. He knew no good would come of it. So, he allowed the men to escort him to the holding facilities. He knew them well of course, having visited Leila numerous times.

Leila, his beautiful lover. Now, he only had the memory of her pressed to him for comfort in the sterile prison. God, what he would have given to have her back in his arms again. He wanted to hear her voice, feel her skin, see her voluminous eyes so full of devotion. Anyone would have fallen in love with that enigmatic woman, and he did.

He never loved anyone until he met her. Then he ruined what should have been his most precious treasure.

How like his father!




For days there was nothing. Hours bled together and hidden behind the curtains, time was irrelevant. All that mattered was what was in front of her, or rather who was in front of her.

Spike slept soundly in their bed while Buffy kept a close vigil. She rarely left his side, afraid he might vanish if she wasn't with him. She studied him as he laid there. He hadn't woken up once since the battle with Colin and Leila; he just seemed to be sleeping, the occasional twitching of his eyelids was a good indication of that.

As soon as they got him settled after that night, Buffy wouldn't say anything. She spent an hour moving her things into his room from across the hall and then curled up next to him. She didn't sleep, just sat there and let questions run through her mind. In the morning, she demanded answers. Why was his heart beating? Why was he breathing? Why wasn't he dust? And most importantly, when will he wake up?

"We won't know for certain until he wakes up," Giles told her. However, I have ventured to make some assumptions about Spike'scondition."

Buffy paced the room, her eyes darting to the stairs every few steps. She didn't want to be in the living room, she wanted to be upstairs with Spike in case he needed her. What if he woke up all disoriented and she wasn't there?

"Obviously, Spike's body is alive and because of the incident with the curtains, we know he can withstand sunlight just like Leila." Giles removed his glasses at the thought of the accident. The bedroom window was open and the curtains just blew apart. After he calmed Buffy down, they realized the comatose vampire was perfectly fine, his skin anyway.

"But, Leila also had a demon inside of her. What did the prophecy do to Spike's demon?"

"Presumably, like Leila, Spike still needs blood so at least part of him is still demonic. I would say his demon was subdued."

"So, he's just like Leila, but not insane?" Buffy asked.

"Basically," O'Malley answered.

Buffy chewed the corner of her mouth and digested this information. "So, this is what I was dreaming about the entire time?"

"Yes. You do know what this means, don't you?"

Buffy nodded. "Spike was the Birth all along."



She tried not to think about it. If she dwelled on it, she would cry and despair over something-someone who was never real. Spike was real; his love was more than real. Buffy focused all of her energy on him, willing him to get better. When she asked why he still had a fever and why he was still unconscious, O'Malley just smiled and said, "His body needs time to adjust to the change. He hasn't been alive for a long time. When he's ready, he'll wake up."

Buffy prayed it would be sooner rather than later.



She felt him shift beside her and then she heard a groan. Was she dreaming? Often she dreamt she would open her eyes and see bright blue orbs gazing lovingly at her. She was awake, the pinch to her forearm proved that.

"Spike?" she croaked through her morning scratchy voice.

He tried to respond to his name, but he barely parted his lips. His eyes closed once more.

Buffy quickly crawled to his side. Her hands hovered over him; her entire body was shaking like a leaf. "Spike? Come on, baby, look at me. Let me see you," she pleaded, She gently touched his cheek, the pads of her fingertips just grazing his still fiery flesh.

At her touch, Spike's heavy lids fluttered, trying to open. Finally, he opened them half way, just enough for him to see her face, for her to see the blue of his eyes. They were pale, so pale, but they were still his.

"There you are," she sniffed. Her tears pricked her eyes as soon as he tried to speak.

"Bu- Buffff-yyy...?" he rasped. He blinked slowly several times. Everything hurt, blinding pain. He hardly recognized his love through the fog of his mind. Everything, physically and mentally weighed him down; he was underwater and the pressure was trying to crush him.

He wanted to move, Buffy saw that. She laid her hands on his shoulders. He hissed in pain and she retracted them. "I'm sorry, baby. Justdon't try to move. I'llI'll go get Giles." Buffy rose from the bed and couldn't help but run out the door and yell, "Giles!!!"

"Buffy?!" he yelled back. Giles ran to the bedroom, taking two stairs at a time. He saw Buffy at the top of them, obviously agitated. "What is the matter?" he asked, trying to sound somewhat calm.

"He's awake," she answered, not waiting for a reply before going back into the room.

Giles followed. Sure enough, there was Spike, his eyes fixed straight ahead, not wanting to move them. "Spike?" Giles came into his line of sight and received several blinks as a response.

"Don't touch him," Buffy warned the man as she resumed her position at her lover's side. She smiled from ear to ear when Spike's gaze landed on her.

"Has he said anything?"

Buffy shook her head. "He could barely say my name. But, he's awake; this is good."

"Incredibly so," Giles agreed. He released a sigh, released the tension he'd been carrying since the battle. "You scared us, mate," Giles smiled. "However, knowing you, we should never have doubted you'd return." Giles watched as Buffy's fingers gently touched the vampire's platinum curls. Spike turned his head ever so slightly into her hand. The Watcher suppressed his grin. Spike would be alright, at least physically and that was their top concern at the moment. "Um, well, I'll go downstairs and phone O'Malley. I'll be back shortly."

"Could you get him a glass of water, Giles? And some blood too?" He nodded before closing the door.

"Alone at last," she joked still gingerly running her fingers through his soft hair. Spike's eyes began to close again. "Spike?" Buffy tried not to panic. He opened them again, assuring her he was still with her. "I'll let you go back to sleep if you promise you'll wake up again." She tried not to sound too frightened, but she was. What if he didn't wake up next time?

"you," he managed to say through the gravel.

Buffy sat in front of him, tears dripping over trembling lips. "Oh, God, Spike, I love you so much. You're gonna get better and I promise we can start our life together." She couldn't contain herself. She leaned forward and placed a feather-light kiss on his dry, cracked lips. "I'll wake you when Shamus gets here."

Spike let his eyes fall and drifted into a much needed slumber.



One week later, Spike had greatly improved. O'Malley gave him a brew to help with the pain and his healing abilities were kicking in. He was speaking more readily and moving slightly, not as much as he wanted, and he still slept a great deal.

Spike didn't say much of anything when he found out about what happened. He tried to hide his glassy when he heard about Leila's death and burial. He didn't say anything when Buffy told him about Colin and he remained quiet when Giles told him about reanimation or Birth. The only thing he did say was to Buffy hours later.

"So, no baby."

Buffy gave him a small smile. "Not yet."

"I'm sorry about this." Buffy had no idea what he could possibly be sorry for. Reading her mind, Spike elaborated. "I'm sorry I'm stuck in this bed, that I almost left youthat I was the Birth and not our baby."

So that was it. "Spike, you don't have anything to be sorry for. It's not like you planned this."

"What am I supposed to think, Buffy? I knew about your dreams. I knew I was going to possibly die and possibly leave you alone with a baby and I did it anyway."

"Let it go. It was fate, Spike."

"Fate?" he laughed. "More like a joke."

Buffy left his arms and stared at him with open eyes. "Are you happy? Honestly, Spike, I don't know how you can't be. Do youwould you rather go back to being a full vampire?"

"I don't know. So far, I don't feel any different. It seems like such a waste!" Spike released a frustrated sigh. Leila is dead because of me. She gave me something I didn't ask for, that I didn't really think I wanted.

Didn't want? Buffy repeated almost inaudibly.

Spike didn't acknowledge her, just kept speaking. What did I gain huh? Oh, I can go out into the bloody sunlight. I have a heart beat, which by the way kind of hurts, and with a heart beat comes a pulse. But, I still have my demon and my bloodlust. I didn't mind either of those; I was used to it. Now, I have this new being forced into my body. So tell me what good came of this? Bodily rhythm and a suntan are not worth her death.

Spike finished his speech and took in some now necessary air. Another addition!

Buffy just stared at him. After days of saying nothing, he just said a mouthful and more. She knew he was going to blow at some point, but she did not think he would say those things. She fought back tears as she glared at his frowning face. You want to know what you gain, what good can come of this, Spike? How about us? We can have a real life together.

I'm not human, Buffy. Whatever I am, I am not fully human. If that's what you wanted then you are shit out of luck, he snarled.

I'm talking about a family. Spike. You can take our kids outside to play in the yard instead of watching from the porch shadows. We don't have to explain to them why Daddy can't come to see little league games or why Daddy can't take them to the park. Did you even think about that at all during your tirade?

Leila is dead, Slayer. She can't come back and now I have a piece of her inside of me. For the rest of my existence, I will be reminded that I couldn't save her.

Buffy shook her head. And for the rest of my existence I will thank her for what she gave you, what she gave us, willingly! Maybe I'm being selfish, but God damn it, I want you with me. You're alive, literally. Your other alternative was death and I don't think you wanted that. I know I didn't. I want you here. She stood up from the bed and stalked out of the room, leaving him to think about what she said.

Spike fell back against the oh-too-familiar pillows and squeezed his eyes shut. She didn't understand what he was going through. After hundreds of years of looking into mirrors and seeing nothing, he could now see his reflection. He almost burst into tears when he saw his eyes looking back at him, when he saw his curly platinum hair that was in need of bleaching, the scar on his eyebrow. He was so happy he couldn't speak, but at the same time he felt guilty. Someone died so he could see his reflection?! Someone he cared about no matter how many times he wished she would just go away. She was just a kid, a stupid kid who made mistakes and now he was reaping the benefits. It didn't feel right.

Spike honestly didn't think about how this would affect his new family. There was no baby. There was no baby because he was this Birth, this destined creature. But, no one asked Spike what he wanted. If they had, he would have said no thanks; he wanted the baby. Guilt, fucking horrible emotion! Guilt over Leila, guilt for being happy, guilt over the baby and guilt over making Buffy cry. Maybe he should just go back to sleep.



Giles was sitting on the edge of the bed when he woke up. Mornin', Watcher, Spike greeted, stretching his arms.

Afternoon rather, the man corrected him.

One looked at the man and Spike knew he was in for a lecture. Sometimes, Rupert Giles reminded him so much of his father. Then again, Rupert would have been a blessing as a parent in full comparison to his sham of a father. Start talking, Rupes or are you going to bore me with silence?

Giles stood and walked to the foot of the bed. He took several breaths, summoning the courage he needed to have this conversation. Despite her minor reluctance, I've sent Buffy away.

You what?! Spike shot up in bed, but fell back at his sudden head rush.

I sent her away. She should be back in Sunnydale tomorrow.

What the Hell is going on, Rupert? Buffy wouldn't leave me. What did you say to her?

Giles shrugged. Simply that she ws hurting your recovery and it was in your best interests if she left you.

Spike couldn't believe what he was hearing. You have no fucking right to say what is in my best interests. She is my best interest.

I simply stated facts and in light of your recent attitude, she was inclined to agree.

Spike shook his head emphatically. No, no, no, there's no way Buffy would leave me. She wouldn't. She loves me and she knows how much I love her. Spike threw back the covers and rose on his shaky legs. He gripped the bed post when he almost lost his balance.

And where do you think you're going?

Where do you bloody think? I'm going to Sunnydale and get her back. I can't live without her.

Giles walked to his side. You might want to tell her that, if you do in fact actually want to live.

'Course I want to live!

Strange. A few hours ago, Buffy was crying incessantly, saying you didn't want to be alive anymore, that you would rather have the gift Leila gave to you removed. You didn't care what it meant to her and your future together. Does any of that sound familiar?

Spike bowed his head and swallowed. I was upset, Giles. We fight, it's what we do, but that doesn't mean she has to get up run. I thought we were past that point. I didn't think she would leave...

She didn't. Spike looked up at Giles, confusion in his glassy eyes. She didn't leave you, Spike. You are right; she loves you too much.

Then why did you do that? he asked, the color rising in his cheeks. You scared the shit out of me! Jesus, man, have a heart. I almost died the other day.

Giles stepped into the vampire, nose to nose. But, you didn't, did you? You aren't going to die, but this attitude of yours is killing Buffy. When she told me she loved you, I was actually happy because I knew how much you returned her affections. I am nipping this in bud, Spike. Get out of this snit you are in. I don't want to see you brooding.

Hey! I do not brood. And since when am I not allowed to feel how I want to feel?

No one is saying you can't, Spike. I just think that you will feel worse when you see the woman you love downstairs asleep on the sofa, her face red and puffy from crying, when she should be up her with you, where she has been since you were unconscious. You think what you went through was painful? Think about how you just felt when I said Buffy was gone, that you lost her.

Giles held out his hand to Spike. At first, he scoffed at the gesture, but the Watcher's words rang through his ears. He took his hand and let Giles help him downstairs to find Buffy curled up on the large sofa. Giles went back up to his room, leaving the two alone.

Spike hobbled to her side and brushed a few strands of golden hair from her eyes. She looked upset and vulnerable in her sleep; he didn't have the heart to wake her. Spike grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and laid down beside her, wrapping his arms and the blanket around her small form. He didn't mind the pain that came from touching her; he needed to be with her at any cost because she was his life. He would tell her that when she woke up.




Dawn had called several times over the past days, but Buffy only said Spike was hurt and she would talk to her later. When she called a few minutes ago, Buffy decided to talk to her. After reluctantly disentangling herself from Spike's arms, she took the portable from its holder beside the couch and began the story. She told her sister the entire tale, from the prophecy and Leila to Spike and Buffy's confessions of love to Spike's still undetermined vampire status.

"He has a heart beat?" Dawn asked for the millionth time.

"Yes, Dawn. He has a heart beat, a pulse, a body temperature, though still not the same as ours, yet. Not too sure on that one."

"Put the phone up to his mouth."

"Why?"

"I want to hear him breathe."

"Dawn, you can hear him breathe next time you see him."

"And when will that be?" Dawn wanted to know. "Come on, Buffy! Let me hear him."

Buffy sighed as she walked over to a sleeping Spike. She placed the phone underneath his nose for a few seconds before pulling it away quickly.

"Satisfied?"

"Wow. This is crazy, Buffy. So, he's pseudo human and pseudo vampire?"

"Not really sure yet. Giles wants to do all these tests on him, but Spike isn't up for them and frankly neither am I." Buffy chewed on her bottom lip as she looked at her lover. He hadn't said much when she woke up in the middle of the night, both were still too tired to have an extensive conversation. He just said he loved her. Lately, every time he was about to go to sleep, he said he loved her. Buffy didn't know if he was afraid he wouldn't wake up, as she was sometimes, or if he just wanted to say it. She knew he loved her, fight or no fight. She kissed him lightly, still careful of his sensitivity, and said she loved him too.

"So" Dawn began. "You sound a little too composed, Buffy."

She sighed. "Well, I've had time, more than he has."

"When are you guys coming home?"

"Dawnie, I- " What was she supposed to say? "I'm not going anywhere until Spike's all better. After that, it's hard to say."

"Buffy?"

She lifted her eyes to a now awake Spike. "Hey, sleepy head," she smiled.

"Is that the Bit?" he asked, sitting up slowly. Buffy nodded and gave him the phone. "Hey, Nibblet, how are you?"

"Who cares how I am? I'm not the one who just got reborn. Congratulations by the way and thank you."

Spike frowned. "For what?"

"For being so patient with my sister. She filled me in on all the details."

"All the details?" Spike repeated, eyeing Buffy, who merely blushed.

"Not all the details, 'cause ick, but enough. You're feeling better, that's good. When you are up and walking, I'll come over there and see you."

"Don't bother, Dawn. I'll come see you as soon as I'm able. Remember, I can go out in the sun now."

"Yeah, that'll be different," Dawn admitted. "I'd better let you rest. I love you."

"Love you too, pet. Here's Buffy." He handed the phone back to Buffy, who quickly said goodbye to her sister.

"Did you mean that?" she asked as she scooted closer to Spike, entwining their fingers. "About going to see Dawn?"

"'Course. We can pick her up on the way to Buenos Aires." Buffy arched her brow. "We both deserve a vacation after this and I need to get away from England for a spell. What do you think?"

Buffy's entire face lit up. "It sounds fabulous! So, how are you feeling today?"

"Better now." He tugged at her hand. "Come here."

Buffy crawled into his embrace without a second though. She'd been so careful with him that past few days and wasn't going to pass up the offer to hold him. She hugged him and just sat there, breathing him in. "I love you," she whispered.

"I know," he chuckled. He pulled away to kiss her forehead. "I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean what I said. I was just frustrated. I don't like not being able to do things for myself. It's like being back in the wheelchair. Bloody aggravating. Hell, I can barely touch you and not feel pain!"

"I'm sorry too, Spike. I know you're frustrated, but it's like Giles said, you just need to heal. Just enjoy this time off while you have it.

"I'd rather be enjoying you," he whispered as he nuzzled her hair.

Buffy couldn't help but smile. "Me too."

Spike hand drew circles along her bare shoulders and both relished the contented silence. But, Spike needed to know something. "So, you aren't upset about the baby?" Spike dreaded asking the question, but he couldn't bare the thought of her resenting him even the tiniest bit for this.

"Spike, I was so concerned about you and whether or not I was going to have to find a way to live my life without you that I didn't want to think on it."

"Think now."

"I was happy at the thought of a baby, you know that. And I will be just as happy next time. So, maybe later once things have calmed down a bit, we can try."

"I still can't believe" His voice trailed off as he tried to stifle a yawn.

"Still tired?"

Spike shook his head. "I don't want to sleep. I just want to hold you."

Buffy curled her body into his, resting her head on his chest. She grinned when she heard his heart beat. "Will I ever get used to it?" she wondered. "If it's not too uncomfortable for you," Buffy said to Spike, "I think I'll just stay here for the rest of the day."

"What about food?"

"We'll use the Giles Room Service. It's actually very good and prompt."

Spike ran his fingers through her soft tresses, twisting the ends in his hands. He loved having her like this, just simply laying on his chest, feeling her weight on him. There wasn't anything better in all the world.

"Buffy?" he whispered.
"Hmmm?"

"I am happy."