Lord of the Maryus Sueis Maximus
By Sonia and Yunadax
Disclaimer - We do not under any circumstances own Tolkein or any of his characters. As for any other characters mentioned – well they just had to be seen to be believed.
A thoroughly pissed off nature documentary maker traipsed through the verdant green fields.
How many more weird creatures did he have to identify before the network would transfer him to something easier like entertainment reporting?
The network thought a fly on the wall documentary on a once rare bird called the Maryus Sueis Maximus would have serious legs and rate nicely during Christmas. It seemed the festive season was when this bird multiplied at a rate that would put rabbits to shame.
All the network had given him to track down this suddenly plentiful creature was a map of a place called Middle Earth. Where in the name of Hobbiton was he again?
Ah yes, Rivendell. It looked pretty enough and according to his "Weird Creatures for Beginners" guidebook the Maryus Sueis nested close to large groups of the male of a species called Tolkeinus Eye Candyus Perfectus.
It seems a group of the Maryus has been traveling in a large flock and hunted down a pack of the Tolkeinus.
This seems to be as good a place as any to start filming my ticket out of reality television, he thought. The super sensitive microphones landed within metres of both groups meaning I could hear the mating cries of the Maryus Sueis and the some times panicked responses of the Tolkeinus, who I understand if approached in the right way are quite sociable.
My sound recording gear suddenly went into overdrive as an eerie cry echoed across the fields. It sounded like a moose mating call but my research told me the Maryus Sueis, more commonly known as the fangirlie, had commenced its mating ritual to attract the Tolkeinus. What was to happen next made fascinating but frightening listening.
~*~*~*~
"By the Valar what on earth is that noise?" Aragorn whispered to the elf standing by his side.
The lament, which was actually closer to a mournful dirge, hung in the air making the entire fellowship cover their ears to drown out the hideous noise.
The Elven prince grimaced before scooping his jaw off the ground as he stared open mouthed at the mating display from the youngest of the Maryus. Her bright orange feathers supported a sign proclaiming that "Merry is sex on legs".
Recovering from his shock he pulled Aragorn closer and hissed disdainfully into the human's ear.
"Elves would never lower themselves to such hideous nicknames as Legs and I find hobbits neither pervy or fanciable.''
The Ringbearer had been able to get close enough to the Maryus to observe how they recorded their history to pass on to future generations. If this was their past, then the future truly scared him.
"I do not believe it. There is a picture of me... but what does that writing say? Legolas … can you read it?
"Indeed I can Master Frodo, but I do not believe you wish to know what it says."
The hobbit's eyes took on an expression similar to a begging spaniel puppy.
"Please Master Elf, do tell us," Frodo begged.
"If you so insist, it reads 'Frodo and Lexi forever' which is all spelt rather badly I might add."
Frodo shuddered and looked with trepidation towards the screaming Maryus a few feet in front of him
"Is she the one called Lexi?" he asked, fear touching his voice. There was only one thing for a hobbit to do at a moment like this – hide behind Aragorn until the Fellowship had passed the girl.
Meanwhile, Legolas heard something that made the tips of his pointed ears turn red with embarrassment. Gimli noticed the change in his friend's temperament and pulled him close, his eyes asking silent questions while he took in the shocked form of the elf.
"The Maryus . . ." Legolas stammered as he tried not to hyperventilate. "She wants to do ... things... with my elfhood!"
Gimli smothered a laugh, finding it utterly hilarious the trouble his dear friend was having coping with the situation. Indeed the elf looked pale, sweat glistened on his brow, running in tiny beads down the side of his neck and under the collar of his tunic.
The screaming Maryus closest to the Tolkeinus pack began yelling out something along the lines of "Oh, to be a sweat bead' did nothing to help the matter either.
Merry and Pippin followed behind the main group, staring with wonderment at the scenes before them.
" Merry, what does 'sex on legs' mean?" Pippin asked, his eyes falling upon the Maryus that Legolas had seen earlier. Her orange feathers had gotten brighter, if that were possible.
"I dunno Merry, lets ask Strider when we have a chance"
"Does it mean I have to.... Have to.... Have to be with the elf?" he asked, not really finding the elf either pervy or fanciable.
"And why do all these weird creatures want to touch me . . . .I haven't bathed in weeks!"
"And you smell a wee bit ripe too!" Merry countered, easily bantering with his fellow hobbit.
Meanwhile, Legolas had passed out at the head of the fellowship, lying prostate upon the ground merely inches from the Maryus pack. Suddenly, just as Aragorn leant down to check on his fallen comrade, a rabid Maryus broke ranks and planted a huge kiss on Legolas' lips.
" He's MINE! ALL MINE!" The Maryus wailed again, displaying her feathers as part of a complicated mating dance. This in turn caused several of Maryus to stampede towards the Elf.
Aragorn would have none of this, and Maryus or not, his friend had to be protected at all costs. Unsheathing his sword, he stood between Legolas and the hordes of Maryus.
Orcs were so much easier to deal with, he thought.
"Retreat I say, leave the poor man be. He needs air from pity's sake! Back I say!"
Startled, perhaps by Aragorn's voice or that many of their number were but a sword stroke away from an untimely end, the Maryus stopped dead in their tracks. Silence, a hushed silence overcame the gathered crowd as Aragorn glared at the fangirlies for good measure.
" Now leave us be and let us pass in peace."
He spoke deliberately, not wanting any more confrontations with the very strange flock of Maryus. Strangely enough, Aragorn had never seen a male Maryus.
Meanwhile Samwise had managed to rouse Legolas from his slumber, and the elf seemed to mutter incoherently for a few moments before regaining full control of his faculties.
Are they gone yet?" he whispered as shook the stars from his eyes.
Samwise looked towards Strider, who seemed to have the entire situation and the Maryus Sueis flock back under control.
"Yes, Master Legolas, Strider has them all away now. They won't hurt you anymore."
"It was not the hurt Master Samwise that so distressed me, it was the thought of them..."
He shuddered at the thought, pushing the unwanted image to the furthest reaches of his mind
" ... Kissing me!"
Frodo who was nestled in between Samwise and Aragorn couldn't help the smile lighting up his small features. The merriment was not lost on the elf however.
The hobbit couldn't help but laugh, the sound nearly lost in the din of the screaming flock.
Resigning to the fact that he had in fact been smooched by a rabid Maryus, the Elf regained his feet and moved back into position behind Aragorn.
Meanwhile Gimli, who now had some notion of the elvish language after spending so much time with Legolas, was being serenaded with elvish poetry by another Maryus.
Why they were actually serenading him in elvish and not dwarfish he didn't know - but still Gimli played along with the whole idea somewhat wholeheartedly. That was, until he saw what was written across the Maryus' bright pink feathers.
The dwarf tried to suppress a blush as bile started to rise in his throat. While Elvish wasn't a well known dialect among the Maryus, but if what he read on the shirt was correct, this woman claimed to want to do rather savage and potentially naughty things to Legolas' elfhood!
"I didn't think that was anatomically possible," he muttered trying desperately not to blush.
"Always the Elf, always the accursed elf." Gimli muttered to no one in particular as he returned to where the rest of the fellowship had gathered
Frodo, fascinated with the document that held so many images of him and the rest of the fellowship, had returned to where the Maryus, known amongst her flock as Lexi, was screaming his name
"FRODO LIVES!" echoed through the other screams, startling the young hobbit somewhat.
Steeling himself, he approached the girl, who only seemed to scream louder at his approach. Frodo suddenly wished for a battle with a Balrog. Dealing with that creature would surely be less dangerous.
"Excuse me, but am I not supposed to be alive? Can you see the future?" he asked innocently
Inside he wondered if these girls had been incorrectly told that he had perished. Certainly his quest with the ring was a perilous one, but why had news of his supposed death spurred so many Maryus' into such frenzy?
Shaking himself out of his reverie he tried to hear what the owner of the book that held his past, present and seemingly his future, was saying.
Startled by their revelations, the hobbit stumbled into the main flock and was physically and verbally assaulted by the ideas this very strange Maryus had running through her obviously demented mind.
Unfortunately he stepped backwards into the clutches of another waiting Maryus.
Claws clutched and grabbed at his face, hair and clothes, causing the young hobbit to let out a plaintive, distressed a cry for help.
Hearing the voice of his master Samwise ran back to where Frodo seemed to be getting devoured by the most feral of the Maryus flock.
" Master Frodo, Master Frodo!" he yelled over the din the flock created.
Struggling through the mass of hands and talons, that tried to run through his hair, down his body and even into his pants, Samwise reached the flailing hands of the Ringbearer and pulled him to safety, while silently thanking the gods that he wore braces to keep his trousers up
" Master Frodo, are you well?" Samwise asked worriedly as Frodo seemed to shake himself off and check for the ring.
"Oh no," he whispered and turned back to where he had just been.
Suddenly a shrill scream filled the air, and although the rest of the fellowship was slightly ahead of the hobbits, all members heard what the shrill voice had to say.
"THE RING! I GOT THE RING!"
Charging back through a patch of bright crimson blooms, the fellowship reached the stricken hobbit.
"Who did you see take the ring?" Aragorn asked quickly, his dark eyes scanning the hysterical young Maryus who seemed to prey only on hobbits.
Shuddering slightly, Frodo pointed into the throng of girls, his eyes sorrowful and full of grief. His expression was mirrored by the entire fellowship as guilt and anguish tore at their hearts.
"I fear the fellowship has indeed failed. I would not ask any man, elf, hobbit or dwarf to go in there after the ring. It is a quest from which, not even the strongest or most powerful of us would return. Come let us return this sorry news to our people," Aragorn said sadly.
The fellowship turned in the direction they had come, back to Rivendell and the Council of Middle Earth.
~*~*~*~
It was the saddest nature documentary I ever made. The majestic and graceful Tolkeinus herd had been beaten, their spirits broken by a rabid pack of Maryus Sueis.
Whether the Tolkeinus would roam these verdant green fields and snow covered mountains again was a question I couldn't answer at that time. Perhaps I never will.