lyrics belong to Bonnie Tyler ^^;;
Revised 8/15/02
Once upon a time I was falling in love
Now I'm only falling apart
"Are you sure it's alright, Gonou? I love you so much it hurts, but Gonou- why did you have to be my brother?" One soft hand touched the woman's pale cheek.
"It'll be alright, Kanan. It shouldn't matter as long as we're happy, ne?" A small, melancholic smile pulled at the woman's lips, lifting her hands to her face, feeling Gonou's warmth. Such a calming warmth. So kind and gentle. And so very sad.
"Yes, we should be alright," Kanan's left hand lightly caressed the other's wrist with her silken touch, "Gonou, I love your hands. The fingers are so long and beautiful." A brighter, warmer smile graced her delicate features. Looking back into her sibling's eyes, painted the color of the earth, she chuckled softly, "Or does 'beautiful' sound strange for a man?"
Such a sweet, sweet smile; Kanan.
"I could do anything for your sake."
So he said.
The room he woke up in was insanely white, lingering with it the smell of purity. He didn't recognize the tiles on the ceiling, or the feel of the room to be his. Hakkai shifted slightly. His body felt weak, not exactly how he liked to be. The bed he laid in was a foreign touch, not exactly the best of comfort to him. He tilted his head to where he was sure the door was, the pale light of the moon shining down on him from the opposite side. A glance of gold was all he could see until his neck started straining.
"Sanzo?" There was a rustling of paper, as if the priest was putting away his newspaper which Hakkai was sure he was reading. Violet eyes regarded him through the lenses of his reading glasses.
"So you're awake. You've been asleep for a whole day." The blonde swiftly pulled his glasses away from their perch on his nose, watching the brunette as he carefully sat himself up. Coughing a little, the other replied with a soft chuckle, voice thick from the lack of moisture, "I see." Slowly, he accepted the glass of water that was handed to him, aware of his shaking fingers as he gently sipped the cool liquid, "Thank you."
An emerald gaze looked over the room while setting the glass on the desk to his side, finding only the blonde priest to be inside with him, "Where's Gojyo?"
"He went home. The idiot made himself so damn tired waiting for you to wake up. Yaone and Dokugakuji helped him get back. If I didn't know any better, I would've thought he got himself wasted at your bed." Sanzo scoffed at the thought, while the brunette smiled, a little melancholy tipped at the ends. "I feel bad now. By the way, why are you here?"
"The monkey needed to go to the bathroom," Hakkai chuckled at the flat tone in the other's voice and then there was silence. Long and lingering. So long it was twisting the green-eyed man's heart. And then-
"Does Gojyo know..of my condition?"
"The doctor was busy, so he couldn't tell us. He probably didn't want the burden of saying it."
"I see..." One elegant eyebrow raised in question.
"Sanzo, if I told you, would you tell Gojyo?"
"Shouldn't you tell him instead?"
"I don't want him to know..."
"I don't make promises, Hakkai." The man smiled.
"I'm not asking you to promise me. I'm asking you a favor." The silence from the other man told him to go on. Hakkai sighed deeply. How was he going to say it? Should he just get to the point?
"Sanzo, I have lung cancer." The silence went on.
...
"I see. How long until..?"
The brunette's fingers gripped onto the hospital's white sheets, "They said, that maybe I'll live for two more months- but don't tell Gojyo. Please. I don't want him to be sad when I die. Telling him makes it even harder for me to live on, because I know he wouldn't act the same as he has been." Sanzo nodded.
"How long has this been going on?"
"I was informed of it a couple months ago. They said it was too late to stop it, so..that's why it makes it hard. As much as I'd like to give Gojyo a ray of hope, I can't." Hakkai sighed heavily, resting his forehead on top of his knuckles as he proped his elbows on his knees, feeling the gaze of violet eyes hovering above his head.
Suddenly, the door squeaked open to reveal an older Son Goku, "Saaanzo, I'm hungry... Na?" Golden eyes blinked before registering the difference in the room he had come into before, "Hakkai! You're awake!" The said man looked up and smiled warmly at the brunet boy..no, man now, as Sanzo muttered, "Bakazaru. I'll kill you."
Goku quickly stepped over to the man's bed, "You know, Hakkai, Gojyo was acting weird. He was really worried."
Sadness stretched over the pull of the emerald-eyed man's lips, "I could imagine."
Sanzo sighed, standing up from the only chair provided in the small, white room, "Goku, iku zo."
"Nani? But I want to talk to Hakkai."
The said man offered an reasurring smile, despite the lie that escaped his lips, "No, it's okay Goku. I'm kind of tired and you can talk to me tomorrow." He knew Goku would want to ask him questions he didn't want to answer, which he why he felt a wash of relief over his tension when Sanzo had spoken.
"Ah? Oh, okay Hakkai. See you tomorrow!" Another wash, but of sadness, crept over him seeing that boy smile so brightly. He would miss that smile too. So calming and full of kindness; happiness. Goku had that affect on others. Just as Goku was out the door, Sanzo was about to disappear from sight as well until, "Sanzo?"
The blonde priest looking back was all Hakkai needed to assure him. He knew Sanzo wouldn't tell Gojyo, but it wasn't a promise. It was a favor, because Sanzo didn't like promises. And neither did he because to him..it seemed as if he couldn't keep promises. Hakkai sighed and reached, taking another gulp of water to soothe his throat before placing it back on the wooden surface, leaning back against the fluffy pillow behind him. Then the world blurred once more- and then faded to black.
Once outside, Goku looked over to the blonde walking beside him, "Na, Sanzo, what's wrong with Hakkai?"
"Nothing you'd understand."
Hakkai shifted slightly under the light touch on his cheeks. Seeing as after a few more moments, it did not go away, he slowly opened his forest green eyes. The sun was beaming down on him..and another, marking that it was already morning. Long strands of scarlet fell and tickled his cheeks as eyes of the same blush of red stared down on him, a smirk curved on the man's face, "Yo."
"Gojyo..what are you doing here?" Hakkai's voice was softer than usual, due to just waking up, but was audioable to the taller man anyway. Plus, he was also a bit scared he'd have to tell Gojyo about 'that'.
"Well, babe, I'm here to pick you up. Got a problem with that?" Gojyo grinned when a faint blush spread over the brunette's cheeks. Giving him a chaste kiss on the forehead, he pulled back to stand erect as Hakkai responded. "No, I don't have a problem, Gojyo. Of course not."
"Good, because I'm sure Hakuryuu is getting impatient waiting outside." Normally, their apartment was within walking distance, but with all the changes going on, the town had grown bigger and also Gojyo feared for his lover's health. He didn't know what would happen if Hakkai walked back home. Not that he knew of Hakkai's condition-
But he would. He'd make sure of it.
The trip back home was a silent one. Only the rustling of people walking around and their chattering were the only sounds. The brunette made sure he didn't mention his illness to Gojyo and he silently hoped Sanzo didn't tell him either. But this was Sanzo he was talking about. The blonde priest wouldn't say anything. Mentally, Hakkai smiled. Sometimes, he had felt as if they had been friends for many, many years when in reality, he had only met the man a few years ago. But it felt like their connection went beyond that, almost like it had been going on for hundreds of years. It was silly to think about.
It was nice coming back into the familar feeling of their apartment. Hakuryuu, now perched on his shoulder, emitted soft 'kyuu's into his ear worriedly. Hakkai chuckled softly, "I'm fine, Hakuryuu. I just had a sudden attack of nausea, that's all." But the silence from Gojyo was all the brunette needed to know that the redhead obviously didn't buy it. And he was sure Gojyo had been suspicious of his health for a very long time. Hakuryuu knew the truth, but he couldn't say the truth in front of Gojyo.
"Hakkai, I need to talk to you in private." The said man mentally winced.
"Y..yes." Slowly he picked Hakuryuu off his shoulder and settled him down on the ground, before walking into the nearest room with Gojyo. Before he could turn around after hearing the door click shut, one hand snaked out to touched the wall he was facing over his shoulder. Hakkai's breath slowed down as he felt the redhead's body heat get closer to his backside.
"Hakkai, what happened?" A forced smile that Hakkai hoped was convincing enough broke out on his face.
"Nothing, Gojyo. It's like I told Haku-"
"Dammit, Hakkai! I know you're lying!" That was it. His heart felt like it just stopped there. He -knew- Gojyo had suspected something. From the gazes he got to the fake smiles he would get when he lied to the redhead again. The taboo character wasn't oblivious to the matters going around his apartment, but sometimes Hakkai wished he was. The hand on the wall pulled back to wrap the forearm around his shoulders, pulling the brunette's back flat against the redhead's body as Gojyo's other arm encircled his waist. Warm breath trailed along his right shoulder, making the hair on the back of Hakkai's neck stand up and his back tense.
"I was worried about you. Dammit, I wanted to protect you, Hakkai. Why aren't you telling me anything?" Drops of melancholy struck the brunette's heart once more as he gently put a pale hand over the redhead's tan forearm.
"I'm sorry." That was all he could say. That was all he would say.
Later in his own room, Hakkai sat in solitude on the bed. So many questions were running through his head, that it had to be unhealthy to be so stressed. The brunette sighed and fell back against the pillow, holding a hand over his emerald eyes. So he mangaged to avoid Gojyo's questions for one day. But the man would definitely try to press on again. Faint 'kyuu's came into existence as Hakuryuu flew into the room. Hakkai sat up as quick as he could, and held the dragon in his arms, almost immediately gently petting the animal's silky mane of hair.
"I don't know what to do, Hakuryuu. This feels like too much for me to handle." And he felt so weak when the white dragon nuzzled his cheek. Slowly, he leaned over to open a drawer next to the bed. Kanan's watch, in ruins, untouched for years. The glass was already cracked in several places, and the framework was coming apart, but yet he still kept it. Broken, like Kanan was. In ruins, like Kanan was. Broken like him. Ruined like him. Sighing softly, he shut the drawer, rubbing his fingers through the dragon's soft, white tresses. White..like that hospital. Pure as the moon. Pure like Kanan. Sweet, sweet Kanan. Why did they have to sacrifice her? Oh, yes, that's right. Because he had loved her more than he should have and so did she and according to the village-
It was wrong.
It was disgusting.
So what about loving Gojyo?
"It's wrong. It's disgusting," Hakkai murmured softly, repeating the words he once overheard while one of the sisters from the orphanage made two small boys take the "right path." The small sounds from Hakuryuu brought him back to reality, away from all those wretched memories he longed to forget. He sighed once more, coughing a little once more.. His emerald eyes trailed over to his closed door. The brunette felt the urge to go talk to Gojyo, but the thought of him asking about his illness made him refrain from standing up. Sanzo was really the only one he could go talk to. Maybe later tonight, he could go off to Chou An without Gojyo. But then wouldn't the man be worried sick? That was quite a drawback, but he needed to talk to someone who would understand. That someone was Sanzo. Maybe he could go when Gojyo fell asleep. Where was Gojyo anyway? Carefully setting the white dragon down, Hakkai stood up on the ground, padding over to the door where he slowly turned the doorknob, as to not make a sound and slightly opened it. The redhead wasn't within sight.
Softly stepping out, Hakkai looked around the apartment. He looked in the kitchen, the living room, everywhere except for...Cautiously, the brunette peeked inside the taboo character's room that he would mostly stay in for the night. It was more familar than his actual room, but his actual room was more private. And there was Gojyo, slumped on the bed on his stomach asleep. Most likely he had forced himself awake even after wearing himself out. The green-eyed man smiled at the scene and slowly shut the door.
"I guess I got lucky. And it's one o' clock in the afternoon, so I don't have to worry." Slipping on a pair of shoes and a jacket, he was about to go out the door when a 'kyuu' made him turn around.
"Oh, Hakuryuu. I need you to stay here. If Gojyo wakes up and sees I'm not around, you have to be here to make sure he doesn't panic or try to find me. I won't be long anyway. The trip to Chou An isn't necessarily long, and I think even in my condition, I should be able to handle it." A reasurring smile crossed the man's face, but anyone who knew him better knew he wasn't so sure himself. The dragon seemed rather hesitant at first, before the look in his eyes said he had full confidence in his master.
Hakkai breathed out a small breath of relief as he turned the knob on the door leading outside.
It's not like he was going to get hurt anyway-
Right?
Game Over or Continue?
I've never really had someone I know get lung cancer before, so bear with me if my information is incorrect. But I don't know if people with it cough every single second of their life O.o so that's why Hakkai seemed okay. Besides, the guy just got out of the hospital so*shrug*.
Revised 8/15/02
Once upon a time I was falling in love
Now I'm only falling apart
"Are you sure it's alright, Gonou? I love you so much it hurts, but Gonou- why did you have to be my brother?" One soft hand touched the woman's pale cheek.
"It'll be alright, Kanan. It shouldn't matter as long as we're happy, ne?" A small, melancholic smile pulled at the woman's lips, lifting her hands to her face, feeling Gonou's warmth. Such a calming warmth. So kind and gentle. And so very sad.
"Yes, we should be alright," Kanan's left hand lightly caressed the other's wrist with her silken touch, "Gonou, I love your hands. The fingers are so long and beautiful." A brighter, warmer smile graced her delicate features. Looking back into her sibling's eyes, painted the color of the earth, she chuckled softly, "Or does 'beautiful' sound strange for a man?"
Such a sweet, sweet smile; Kanan.
"I could do anything for your sake."
So he said.
The room he woke up in was insanely white, lingering with it the smell of purity. He didn't recognize the tiles on the ceiling, or the feel of the room to be his. Hakkai shifted slightly. His body felt weak, not exactly how he liked to be. The bed he laid in was a foreign touch, not exactly the best of comfort to him. He tilted his head to where he was sure the door was, the pale light of the moon shining down on him from the opposite side. A glance of gold was all he could see until his neck started straining.
"Sanzo?" There was a rustling of paper, as if the priest was putting away his newspaper which Hakkai was sure he was reading. Violet eyes regarded him through the lenses of his reading glasses.
"So you're awake. You've been asleep for a whole day." The blonde swiftly pulled his glasses away from their perch on his nose, watching the brunette as he carefully sat himself up. Coughing a little, the other replied with a soft chuckle, voice thick from the lack of moisture, "I see." Slowly, he accepted the glass of water that was handed to him, aware of his shaking fingers as he gently sipped the cool liquid, "Thank you."
An emerald gaze looked over the room while setting the glass on the desk to his side, finding only the blonde priest to be inside with him, "Where's Gojyo?"
"He went home. The idiot made himself so damn tired waiting for you to wake up. Yaone and Dokugakuji helped him get back. If I didn't know any better, I would've thought he got himself wasted at your bed." Sanzo scoffed at the thought, while the brunette smiled, a little melancholy tipped at the ends. "I feel bad now. By the way, why are you here?"
"The monkey needed to go to the bathroom," Hakkai chuckled at the flat tone in the other's voice and then there was silence. Long and lingering. So long it was twisting the green-eyed man's heart. And then-
"Does Gojyo know..of my condition?"
"The doctor was busy, so he couldn't tell us. He probably didn't want the burden of saying it."
"I see..." One elegant eyebrow raised in question.
"Sanzo, if I told you, would you tell Gojyo?"
"Shouldn't you tell him instead?"
"I don't want him to know..."
"I don't make promises, Hakkai." The man smiled.
"I'm not asking you to promise me. I'm asking you a favor." The silence from the other man told him to go on. Hakkai sighed deeply. How was he going to say it? Should he just get to the point?
"Sanzo, I have lung cancer." The silence went on.
...
"I see. How long until..?"
The brunette's fingers gripped onto the hospital's white sheets, "They said, that maybe I'll live for two more months- but don't tell Gojyo. Please. I don't want him to be sad when I die. Telling him makes it even harder for me to live on, because I know he wouldn't act the same as he has been." Sanzo nodded.
"How long has this been going on?"
"I was informed of it a couple months ago. They said it was too late to stop it, so..that's why it makes it hard. As much as I'd like to give Gojyo a ray of hope, I can't." Hakkai sighed heavily, resting his forehead on top of his knuckles as he proped his elbows on his knees, feeling the gaze of violet eyes hovering above his head.
Suddenly, the door squeaked open to reveal an older Son Goku, "Saaanzo, I'm hungry... Na?" Golden eyes blinked before registering the difference in the room he had come into before, "Hakkai! You're awake!" The said man looked up and smiled warmly at the brunet boy..no, man now, as Sanzo muttered, "Bakazaru. I'll kill you."
Goku quickly stepped over to the man's bed, "You know, Hakkai, Gojyo was acting weird. He was really worried."
Sadness stretched over the pull of the emerald-eyed man's lips, "I could imagine."
Sanzo sighed, standing up from the only chair provided in the small, white room, "Goku, iku zo."
"Nani? But I want to talk to Hakkai."
The said man offered an reasurring smile, despite the lie that escaped his lips, "No, it's okay Goku. I'm kind of tired and you can talk to me tomorrow." He knew Goku would want to ask him questions he didn't want to answer, which he why he felt a wash of relief over his tension when Sanzo had spoken.
"Ah? Oh, okay Hakkai. See you tomorrow!" Another wash, but of sadness, crept over him seeing that boy smile so brightly. He would miss that smile too. So calming and full of kindness; happiness. Goku had that affect on others. Just as Goku was out the door, Sanzo was about to disappear from sight as well until, "Sanzo?"
The blonde priest looking back was all Hakkai needed to assure him. He knew Sanzo wouldn't tell Gojyo, but it wasn't a promise. It was a favor, because Sanzo didn't like promises. And neither did he because to him..it seemed as if he couldn't keep promises. Hakkai sighed and reached, taking another gulp of water to soothe his throat before placing it back on the wooden surface, leaning back against the fluffy pillow behind him. Then the world blurred once more- and then faded to black.
Once outside, Goku looked over to the blonde walking beside him, "Na, Sanzo, what's wrong with Hakkai?"
"Nothing you'd understand."
Hakkai shifted slightly under the light touch on his cheeks. Seeing as after a few more moments, it did not go away, he slowly opened his forest green eyes. The sun was beaming down on him..and another, marking that it was already morning. Long strands of scarlet fell and tickled his cheeks as eyes of the same blush of red stared down on him, a smirk curved on the man's face, "Yo."
"Gojyo..what are you doing here?" Hakkai's voice was softer than usual, due to just waking up, but was audioable to the taller man anyway. Plus, he was also a bit scared he'd have to tell Gojyo about 'that'.
"Well, babe, I'm here to pick you up. Got a problem with that?" Gojyo grinned when a faint blush spread over the brunette's cheeks. Giving him a chaste kiss on the forehead, he pulled back to stand erect as Hakkai responded. "No, I don't have a problem, Gojyo. Of course not."
"Good, because I'm sure Hakuryuu is getting impatient waiting outside." Normally, their apartment was within walking distance, but with all the changes going on, the town had grown bigger and also Gojyo feared for his lover's health. He didn't know what would happen if Hakkai walked back home. Not that he knew of Hakkai's condition-
But he would. He'd make sure of it.
The trip back home was a silent one. Only the rustling of people walking around and their chattering were the only sounds. The brunette made sure he didn't mention his illness to Gojyo and he silently hoped Sanzo didn't tell him either. But this was Sanzo he was talking about. The blonde priest wouldn't say anything. Mentally, Hakkai smiled. Sometimes, he had felt as if they had been friends for many, many years when in reality, he had only met the man a few years ago. But it felt like their connection went beyond that, almost like it had been going on for hundreds of years. It was silly to think about.
It was nice coming back into the familar feeling of their apartment. Hakuryuu, now perched on his shoulder, emitted soft 'kyuu's into his ear worriedly. Hakkai chuckled softly, "I'm fine, Hakuryuu. I just had a sudden attack of nausea, that's all." But the silence from Gojyo was all the brunette needed to know that the redhead obviously didn't buy it. And he was sure Gojyo had been suspicious of his health for a very long time. Hakuryuu knew the truth, but he couldn't say the truth in front of Gojyo.
"Hakkai, I need to talk to you in private." The said man mentally winced.
"Y..yes." Slowly he picked Hakuryuu off his shoulder and settled him down on the ground, before walking into the nearest room with Gojyo. Before he could turn around after hearing the door click shut, one hand snaked out to touched the wall he was facing over his shoulder. Hakkai's breath slowed down as he felt the redhead's body heat get closer to his backside.
"Hakkai, what happened?" A forced smile that Hakkai hoped was convincing enough broke out on his face.
"Nothing, Gojyo. It's like I told Haku-"
"Dammit, Hakkai! I know you're lying!" That was it. His heart felt like it just stopped there. He -knew- Gojyo had suspected something. From the gazes he got to the fake smiles he would get when he lied to the redhead again. The taboo character wasn't oblivious to the matters going around his apartment, but sometimes Hakkai wished he was. The hand on the wall pulled back to wrap the forearm around his shoulders, pulling the brunette's back flat against the redhead's body as Gojyo's other arm encircled his waist. Warm breath trailed along his right shoulder, making the hair on the back of Hakkai's neck stand up and his back tense.
"I was worried about you. Dammit, I wanted to protect you, Hakkai. Why aren't you telling me anything?" Drops of melancholy struck the brunette's heart once more as he gently put a pale hand over the redhead's tan forearm.
"I'm sorry." That was all he could say. That was all he would say.
Later in his own room, Hakkai sat in solitude on the bed. So many questions were running through his head, that it had to be unhealthy to be so stressed. The brunette sighed and fell back against the pillow, holding a hand over his emerald eyes. So he mangaged to avoid Gojyo's questions for one day. But the man would definitely try to press on again. Faint 'kyuu's came into existence as Hakuryuu flew into the room. Hakkai sat up as quick as he could, and held the dragon in his arms, almost immediately gently petting the animal's silky mane of hair.
"I don't know what to do, Hakuryuu. This feels like too much for me to handle." And he felt so weak when the white dragon nuzzled his cheek. Slowly, he leaned over to open a drawer next to the bed. Kanan's watch, in ruins, untouched for years. The glass was already cracked in several places, and the framework was coming apart, but yet he still kept it. Broken, like Kanan was. In ruins, like Kanan was. Broken like him. Ruined like him. Sighing softly, he shut the drawer, rubbing his fingers through the dragon's soft, white tresses. White..like that hospital. Pure as the moon. Pure like Kanan. Sweet, sweet Kanan. Why did they have to sacrifice her? Oh, yes, that's right. Because he had loved her more than he should have and so did she and according to the village-
It was wrong.
It was disgusting.
So what about loving Gojyo?
"It's wrong. It's disgusting," Hakkai murmured softly, repeating the words he once overheard while one of the sisters from the orphanage made two small boys take the "right path." The small sounds from Hakuryuu brought him back to reality, away from all those wretched memories he longed to forget. He sighed once more, coughing a little once more.. His emerald eyes trailed over to his closed door. The brunette felt the urge to go talk to Gojyo, but the thought of him asking about his illness made him refrain from standing up. Sanzo was really the only one he could go talk to. Maybe later tonight, he could go off to Chou An without Gojyo. But then wouldn't the man be worried sick? That was quite a drawback, but he needed to talk to someone who would understand. That someone was Sanzo. Maybe he could go when Gojyo fell asleep. Where was Gojyo anyway? Carefully setting the white dragon down, Hakkai stood up on the ground, padding over to the door where he slowly turned the doorknob, as to not make a sound and slightly opened it. The redhead wasn't within sight.
Softly stepping out, Hakkai looked around the apartment. He looked in the kitchen, the living room, everywhere except for...Cautiously, the brunette peeked inside the taboo character's room that he would mostly stay in for the night. It was more familar than his actual room, but his actual room was more private. And there was Gojyo, slumped on the bed on his stomach asleep. Most likely he had forced himself awake even after wearing himself out. The green-eyed man smiled at the scene and slowly shut the door.
"I guess I got lucky. And it's one o' clock in the afternoon, so I don't have to worry." Slipping on a pair of shoes and a jacket, he was about to go out the door when a 'kyuu' made him turn around.
"Oh, Hakuryuu. I need you to stay here. If Gojyo wakes up and sees I'm not around, you have to be here to make sure he doesn't panic or try to find me. I won't be long anyway. The trip to Chou An isn't necessarily long, and I think even in my condition, I should be able to handle it." A reasurring smile crossed the man's face, but anyone who knew him better knew he wasn't so sure himself. The dragon seemed rather hesitant at first, before the look in his eyes said he had full confidence in his master.
Hakkai breathed out a small breath of relief as he turned the knob on the door leading outside.
It's not like he was going to get hurt anyway-
Right?
Game Over or Continue?
I've never really had someone I know get lung cancer before, so bear with me if my information is incorrect. But I don't know if people with it cough every single second of their life O.o so that's why Hakkai seemed okay. Besides, the guy just got out of the hospital so*shrug*.