This fic is near its end, methinks.
Once upon a time, everything was fine
But that was "once upon a time"-
Long, long ago
Even though you love me so, it is all meaningless...
God, do you think I'm a beast? The voice of 'her' that died long ago still haunts my head after all this time. I don't want to forget 'her' but at the same time I don't want to relive what I had left behind so long ago. Why can't I let go? Why is it so hard? Am I just making it difficult for myself?
Or is it I just that don't want her to go away?
'I love onii-chan...I do. I'd do anything for him.'
Why do I keep falling deeper and deeper?
No, don't run away from me. You run so fast. Wait for me---
Kanan...
Everything hurt. Every nerve was screaming with pain. And blood. Yes, blood. But it would be okay.
Hakkai moaned a little. What happened again? Oh yes... He got tired. He had to rest so he decided to settle on a hill he found nearby. And he was found by anti-youkai groups a few moments after he had woken up. It didn't help that he proved he was a youkai by blasting and injuring a few of them. It was a reflex that surfaced when one of the men grabbed the side of his face and got too close. There were a lot of humans in the anti-group. They got angry and he didn't want to kill anymore.
Shifting his arm and stretching the muscle, Hakkai's deep green eyes opened. The setting looked vaguely familar. He couldn't quite place where he was until he heard someone.
"Oh! Kougaiji, look! He's awake!" Kou..gaiji? Yaone? The brunette grunted as he rose up to get more of a view of his surroundings. After Gyuumao was defeated, the Kougaiji-tachi didn't want to be anywhere near Tenjiku. Too many bad memories, Yaone had said. So they lived somewhere near the town he and Gojyo settled. A few months ago, it had been Yaone's birthday and this was the same couch he had fallen asleep on. That was when the lung cancer was surfacing with symptoms. He knew he was unusually tired, but didn't think too much of it at the time. The female youkai excused him, letting him rest. Later he woke up to Gojyo's voice and the taboo man kissed him on the cheek saying, "It's time to go, babe." He apologized to the purple-haired woman for missing out, and she just smiled as he left with the redhead's arm slung around his shoulders.
"Sha Gojyo, you're too good for me," the green-eyed man murmured to himself as two youkai entered from the hall.
"Hakkai, you should be lying down." Yaone sighed as she walked over to the couch to gently force the man back to the position he was in before. Emerald eyes peered at her through thin chocolate tresses. She gave him a slight smile and went to sit on a chair nearby. Kougaiji's solid face, which held curiousity through clear blue eyes, came into view. He did not speak, nor smile. He did not know what to do. Hakkai always felt a little sorry for the man. Since his mind was wiped clean, anything other than what Gyokumen wanted him to do was both intriguing and awkward for him. Opening his mouth a little, dry words emerged. "What..hap..pened?"
Yaone's smile starting straining a little, "We found you injured earlier, so we took you back to our house. I tried to do all I could to speed up your recovery. Gojyo must be worried sick. Dokugakuji decided to visit him in the morning."
At the mention of Gojyo, the brunette's mind was jolted with shock.
"Gojyo..shouldn't-!" The door suddenly squeaked open. All three heads turned to look at who had arrived. A small cat bell jingled lightly as Lirin stepped inside, blinking owlishly at all of them with her brilliant green eyes.
"Ne..Yaone-chan, onii-chan...What's going on?"
Dokugakuji sipped absently on a can of beer as his brother wandered in with a pair of jeans clinging to his hips and a towel draped around moist shoulders. Letting the cool air touch and dry his bare skin, Gojyo plopped down on the couch to his side. He brushed back loose strands of wet hair, settling into the soft cushion of his seat. "So what are you doing here?"
"That's a nice way of greeting your onii-chan. I heard from Yaone-chan that Hakkai was missing?"
Gojyo's expression faltered a little, before he tried to brighten it and offered a wry smile, "Yeah. The guy's gone missing for a couple days. He always seems to attract trouble like that monk."
Clank.
Scarlet eyes looked up to see the empty beer can thrown against the wooden table in front of him. Dokugakuji balled up his fist as he ceased leaning against the flat wall behind him. "I may have abandoned my life as Jien, but even so I will not stand to see my onii-chan do this to himself! Even if I'm not the same as I was back then, I still know you. I know you from the inside out, Gojyo. Don't fuckin' lie to me!" His expression softened. "I know you're hurting Gojyo, but you've got to do something about it."
That's when the redhead stood up.
"I did! I looked everywhere! I couldn't find him! Don't say I'm doing shit, because I am! I am..!" He sighed, falling back on the couch, covering one of his taboo eyes. He stared straight into the ceiling through the gaps between his fingers. Yes, he was hurting, so much it was hard to even get a vague description. Dokugakuji couldn't understand. What could've happened to him? He was sick. He wasn't even as the hospital and he was -sick-.
"You're pathetic."
"What was that?!" The redhead was up immediately, ready to knock out the lights of the first person who came within one foot of him. Dokugakuji sighed to himself and crossed his solid arms over a strong chest. True, he did not know where Hakkai was. Maybe Yaone or Kougaiji knew. They seemed to come across little details like that.
"Gojyo, come to my house. Maybe Yaone-chan or Kou knows something." The half-youkai's shoulders sagged as the tension released. He nodded slightly as he silently hoped that they knew something. But he could only hope.
"Lung cancer?! Hakkai-" A hand stopped the pink-eyed woman from going on any further. The soft sounds of a bell were only heard as the brunette let his hand fall to his lap, thin chocolate bangs shadowing his eyes from the world. Slightly, his shoulders shook. At first the three youkai who were once associated with Gyokumen thought he was crying. That is..until a small chuckle was heard. Lirin played with her wavy ponytail nervously as the chuckles got louder. Louder and louder, until Hakkai lifted his head. As first, the young girl thought she saw tears but discovered it was only a mere illusion of her mind. The smile stretched on the pale man's face however, was thin and forced. Despair pulled at the brunette's eyebrows as he spoke slowly, as to not choke on his words.
"I thought once..that maybe I could live like I had long ago. Seemed like nothing mattered now. The Minus Wave, Gyuumao, wild youkai. It was all a vague memory whenever I would think back on it. But now, it seems that life likes to kick you in the teeth. Ne?" He smiled a smile that held the forced happiness used once upon a time. Before, it was hard to tell the difference between that and a real smile and Yaone would feel gulity that she did not sense that he was hurting inside.
Hakkai looked up at nearest corner on the ceiling, not really speaking to anyone in particular as he just about repeated what Kanan had said many years ago, a hopeless smile with hopeless eyes "I love Sha Gojyo...I do. I'd do anything for him."
Anything.
'Yes even for someone like me, there are times where I just want to lay down and die.
They say..crying helps make a person feel better. I want to cry. But I can't.
I just can't...'
Sanzo let the top of his robe fall to his waist and gather at the back, exposing the sleek black shirt and dark arm-warmers underneath. He really wanted to smoke. Withdrawal sucked ass. However, Goku had been making sure that he didn't have any cigarettes on him in the past few days. It was getting on his nerves, especially since the younger man had been getting nit-picky in his opinion. "Sanzo, what do you have in your pockets?" and "Sanzo, you haven't been smoking, have you?" are now frequently asked questions. And he would answer, "Shit's in my pocket. Now get out of my face" or he would just give the saru a good whacking. He was getting more and more short-tempered this days. Like he said before: Withdrawal sucks ass. Sometimes Goku would actually rummage through his drawers and pockets and any other place he may hold a pack, like in his boots or something.
So the bakazaru was getting serious. He could deal with that. No. Really.
The blonde sighed heavily. He'd been informed in the late afternoon by Kougaiji that he and Goku should come by his house. Something important he said. But it wasn't as if Chou An allowed phones to be connected in his office, so after the temple monks stopped shaking brooms at the redheaded youkai prince, he'd spoken with him. Sanzo was never really sure exactly how to react to the youkai's brainwashing, so he didn't react at all. Of course, it was still very awkward to see an emotionless Kougaiji, who had stood firm when the monks tried to shoo him away. So here he was, walking back with the youkai prince and Goku for something he still didn't know of. He couldn't think of what either Kougaiji or Yaone would want with him. Bouncy, energetic steps behind him and calm, collected steps in front. Sanzo ch'ed and crossed his arms over his chest as he continued to walk on through the grass.
He stared at the darkness behind his eyelids. Yaone told him to get some rest. He would try. His pupils moved around, even as skin hid them from the light. Nothing but darkness, and he was still awake. He pulled a hand up as he coughed violently into the palm. He didn't bother with wiping off what could've been more blood. The sharp, cold bite of pain at his lungs, making it hard to breath in deeply. Was this hell? Or was it heaven? An eden that is poisoned deeply with the stench of decay. He opened his eyes. The room was empty as he expected. Lifting himself off the couch, Hakkai sighed deeply and walked down the hall to the bathroom, taking his precious time. Slowly he turned on the cold water in the sink and with that same speed washed off the disgusting crimson off his hand. Despite the fact the cold water rose above it, Hakkai could just smell the stench of scarlet, a scent he grew very familar with before the journey to the west. He himself had taken in the smell of death before. A thousand deaths to be exact, which stank all the same. And so much red. Red. Red. Red. Rain.
In the back of his mind he acknowledged the sound of the front door opening. It must be Kougaiji. Washing off the rest of the red and watching it swirl into the drain, the brunette walked out of the bathroom. Again he went slow. How his chest hurt. Not only from the cancer from also from pulling off such a devious trick on Gojyo. The redhead usually found it hard to forgive somebody, so what chances did he have? He came back into the living room to see Yaone, Lirin, Kougaiji..and Sanzo and Goku. His heart froze again.
He heard Sanzo speak first.
"Your secret's slipping out."
So it is.
And his story was told once more.
'In my fairytale, everyone lives except for me. With tainted hands I wash out the red and watch life fall before me.'
Game over or Continue?
I admit, I expected to add more to this chapter(which is why it took so long. I was plotting too hard)..but then I decided it should go into chapter 5 because if I put it here..there wouldn't be much to add in the next chapter. The next and last chapter(yes, last) will contain more GojyoxHakkai..but GojyoxHakkai really isn't the plot of the story, the plot is the lung cancer(which I seem to forget to add in*sweatdrop*) Now, I must go work on Messiah.
Once upon a time, everything was fine
But that was "once upon a time"-
Long, long ago
Even though you love me so, it is all meaningless...
God, do you think I'm a beast? The voice of 'her' that died long ago still haunts my head after all this time. I don't want to forget 'her' but at the same time I don't want to relive what I had left behind so long ago. Why can't I let go? Why is it so hard? Am I just making it difficult for myself?
Or is it I just that don't want her to go away?
'I love onii-chan...I do. I'd do anything for him.'
Why do I keep falling deeper and deeper?
No, don't run away from me. You run so fast. Wait for me---
Kanan...
Everything hurt. Every nerve was screaming with pain. And blood. Yes, blood. But it would be okay.
Hakkai moaned a little. What happened again? Oh yes... He got tired. He had to rest so he decided to settle on a hill he found nearby. And he was found by anti-youkai groups a few moments after he had woken up. It didn't help that he proved he was a youkai by blasting and injuring a few of them. It was a reflex that surfaced when one of the men grabbed the side of his face and got too close. There were a lot of humans in the anti-group. They got angry and he didn't want to kill anymore.
Shifting his arm and stretching the muscle, Hakkai's deep green eyes opened. The setting looked vaguely familar. He couldn't quite place where he was until he heard someone.
"Oh! Kougaiji, look! He's awake!" Kou..gaiji? Yaone? The brunette grunted as he rose up to get more of a view of his surroundings. After Gyuumao was defeated, the Kougaiji-tachi didn't want to be anywhere near Tenjiku. Too many bad memories, Yaone had said. So they lived somewhere near the town he and Gojyo settled. A few months ago, it had been Yaone's birthday and this was the same couch he had fallen asleep on. That was when the lung cancer was surfacing with symptoms. He knew he was unusually tired, but didn't think too much of it at the time. The female youkai excused him, letting him rest. Later he woke up to Gojyo's voice and the taboo man kissed him on the cheek saying, "It's time to go, babe." He apologized to the purple-haired woman for missing out, and she just smiled as he left with the redhead's arm slung around his shoulders.
"Sha Gojyo, you're too good for me," the green-eyed man murmured to himself as two youkai entered from the hall.
"Hakkai, you should be lying down." Yaone sighed as she walked over to the couch to gently force the man back to the position he was in before. Emerald eyes peered at her through thin chocolate tresses. She gave him a slight smile and went to sit on a chair nearby. Kougaiji's solid face, which held curiousity through clear blue eyes, came into view. He did not speak, nor smile. He did not know what to do. Hakkai always felt a little sorry for the man. Since his mind was wiped clean, anything other than what Gyokumen wanted him to do was both intriguing and awkward for him. Opening his mouth a little, dry words emerged. "What..hap..pened?"
Yaone's smile starting straining a little, "We found you injured earlier, so we took you back to our house. I tried to do all I could to speed up your recovery. Gojyo must be worried sick. Dokugakuji decided to visit him in the morning."
At the mention of Gojyo, the brunette's mind was jolted with shock.
"Gojyo..shouldn't-!" The door suddenly squeaked open. All three heads turned to look at who had arrived. A small cat bell jingled lightly as Lirin stepped inside, blinking owlishly at all of them with her brilliant green eyes.
"Ne..Yaone-chan, onii-chan...What's going on?"
Dokugakuji sipped absently on a can of beer as his brother wandered in with a pair of jeans clinging to his hips and a towel draped around moist shoulders. Letting the cool air touch and dry his bare skin, Gojyo plopped down on the couch to his side. He brushed back loose strands of wet hair, settling into the soft cushion of his seat. "So what are you doing here?"
"That's a nice way of greeting your onii-chan. I heard from Yaone-chan that Hakkai was missing?"
Gojyo's expression faltered a little, before he tried to brighten it and offered a wry smile, "Yeah. The guy's gone missing for a couple days. He always seems to attract trouble like that monk."
Clank.
Scarlet eyes looked up to see the empty beer can thrown against the wooden table in front of him. Dokugakuji balled up his fist as he ceased leaning against the flat wall behind him. "I may have abandoned my life as Jien, but even so I will not stand to see my onii-chan do this to himself! Even if I'm not the same as I was back then, I still know you. I know you from the inside out, Gojyo. Don't fuckin' lie to me!" His expression softened. "I know you're hurting Gojyo, but you've got to do something about it."
That's when the redhead stood up.
"I did! I looked everywhere! I couldn't find him! Don't say I'm doing shit, because I am! I am..!" He sighed, falling back on the couch, covering one of his taboo eyes. He stared straight into the ceiling through the gaps between his fingers. Yes, he was hurting, so much it was hard to even get a vague description. Dokugakuji couldn't understand. What could've happened to him? He was sick. He wasn't even as the hospital and he was -sick-.
"You're pathetic."
"What was that?!" The redhead was up immediately, ready to knock out the lights of the first person who came within one foot of him. Dokugakuji sighed to himself and crossed his solid arms over a strong chest. True, he did not know where Hakkai was. Maybe Yaone or Kougaiji knew. They seemed to come across little details like that.
"Gojyo, come to my house. Maybe Yaone-chan or Kou knows something." The half-youkai's shoulders sagged as the tension released. He nodded slightly as he silently hoped that they knew something. But he could only hope.
"Lung cancer?! Hakkai-" A hand stopped the pink-eyed woman from going on any further. The soft sounds of a bell were only heard as the brunette let his hand fall to his lap, thin chocolate bangs shadowing his eyes from the world. Slightly, his shoulders shook. At first the three youkai who were once associated with Gyokumen thought he was crying. That is..until a small chuckle was heard. Lirin played with her wavy ponytail nervously as the chuckles got louder. Louder and louder, until Hakkai lifted his head. As first, the young girl thought she saw tears but discovered it was only a mere illusion of her mind. The smile stretched on the pale man's face however, was thin and forced. Despair pulled at the brunette's eyebrows as he spoke slowly, as to not choke on his words.
"I thought once..that maybe I could live like I had long ago. Seemed like nothing mattered now. The Minus Wave, Gyuumao, wild youkai. It was all a vague memory whenever I would think back on it. But now, it seems that life likes to kick you in the teeth. Ne?" He smiled a smile that held the forced happiness used once upon a time. Before, it was hard to tell the difference between that and a real smile and Yaone would feel gulity that she did not sense that he was hurting inside.
Hakkai looked up at nearest corner on the ceiling, not really speaking to anyone in particular as he just about repeated what Kanan had said many years ago, a hopeless smile with hopeless eyes "I love Sha Gojyo...I do. I'd do anything for him."
Anything.
'Yes even for someone like me, there are times where I just want to lay down and die.
They say..crying helps make a person feel better. I want to cry. But I can't.
I just can't...'
Sanzo let the top of his robe fall to his waist and gather at the back, exposing the sleek black shirt and dark arm-warmers underneath. He really wanted to smoke. Withdrawal sucked ass. However, Goku had been making sure that he didn't have any cigarettes on him in the past few days. It was getting on his nerves, especially since the younger man had been getting nit-picky in his opinion. "Sanzo, what do you have in your pockets?" and "Sanzo, you haven't been smoking, have you?" are now frequently asked questions. And he would answer, "Shit's in my pocket. Now get out of my face" or he would just give the saru a good whacking. He was getting more and more short-tempered this days. Like he said before: Withdrawal sucks ass. Sometimes Goku would actually rummage through his drawers and pockets and any other place he may hold a pack, like in his boots or something.
So the bakazaru was getting serious. He could deal with that. No. Really.
The blonde sighed heavily. He'd been informed in the late afternoon by Kougaiji that he and Goku should come by his house. Something important he said. But it wasn't as if Chou An allowed phones to be connected in his office, so after the temple monks stopped shaking brooms at the redheaded youkai prince, he'd spoken with him. Sanzo was never really sure exactly how to react to the youkai's brainwashing, so he didn't react at all. Of course, it was still very awkward to see an emotionless Kougaiji, who had stood firm when the monks tried to shoo him away. So here he was, walking back with the youkai prince and Goku for something he still didn't know of. He couldn't think of what either Kougaiji or Yaone would want with him. Bouncy, energetic steps behind him and calm, collected steps in front. Sanzo ch'ed and crossed his arms over his chest as he continued to walk on through the grass.
He stared at the darkness behind his eyelids. Yaone told him to get some rest. He would try. His pupils moved around, even as skin hid them from the light. Nothing but darkness, and he was still awake. He pulled a hand up as he coughed violently into the palm. He didn't bother with wiping off what could've been more blood. The sharp, cold bite of pain at his lungs, making it hard to breath in deeply. Was this hell? Or was it heaven? An eden that is poisoned deeply with the stench of decay. He opened his eyes. The room was empty as he expected. Lifting himself off the couch, Hakkai sighed deeply and walked down the hall to the bathroom, taking his precious time. Slowly he turned on the cold water in the sink and with that same speed washed off the disgusting crimson off his hand. Despite the fact the cold water rose above it, Hakkai could just smell the stench of scarlet, a scent he grew very familar with before the journey to the west. He himself had taken in the smell of death before. A thousand deaths to be exact, which stank all the same. And so much red. Red. Red. Red. Rain.
In the back of his mind he acknowledged the sound of the front door opening. It must be Kougaiji. Washing off the rest of the red and watching it swirl into the drain, the brunette walked out of the bathroom. Again he went slow. How his chest hurt. Not only from the cancer from also from pulling off such a devious trick on Gojyo. The redhead usually found it hard to forgive somebody, so what chances did he have? He came back into the living room to see Yaone, Lirin, Kougaiji..and Sanzo and Goku. His heart froze again.
He heard Sanzo speak first.
"Your secret's slipping out."
So it is.
And his story was told once more.
'In my fairytale, everyone lives except for me. With tainted hands I wash out the red and watch life fall before me.'
Game over or Continue?
I admit, I expected to add more to this chapter(which is why it took so long. I was plotting too hard)..but then I decided it should go into chapter 5 because if I put it here..there wouldn't be much to add in the next chapter. The next and last chapter(yes, last) will contain more GojyoxHakkai..but GojyoxHakkai really isn't the plot of the story, the plot is the lung cancer(which I seem to forget to add in*sweatdrop*) Now, I must go work on Messiah.