Title: Still standing
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: After the events of "Grace". Lorelai and Luke both
have to handle the consequences of their night together. Rachel
returns to Stars Hollow.
AUTHORS NOTE: Thank you to Amy once again...My friend and savior :)
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
-------------------------------
"I wonder how I ever made it through a day
How did I settle for a world in shades of gray
When you go in circles all the sea looks the same
And you don't know how, then I looked into your eyes
And the world stretched out in front of me and I realized.."
("Before you love" sung by Kelly Clarkson )
--------------------------
Still standing
By: Jessica
---------------------
I tried to erase him from my memory.
As the days turned into weeks my memory started to fade.
I no longer could remember the feel of his lips against mine.
My hands no longer screamed out for him.
I was going to be all right.
Or at least that's what I tried to convince myself.
---------------------
I kept hoping that she would come back to me.
I tried to tell myself that she needed time.
But as the days grew into weeks I knew that I was fooling myself.
She would not come to me.
I refused to go to her.
Her silence judged her.
I kept seeing her around town.
She never stepped foot inside my diner.
Never even looked at me.
And that hurt.
I wanted her and I took a chance on my heart.
And I lost.
-------------
It was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Staying away from him.
Sometimes he came to me in my dreams.
He brought light into my life.
Brought my soul peace.
But as soon as the morning came he was gone.
Leaving me there all alone.
I refused to miss him.
I tried to convince myself that I was better off.
That I didn't need the complications.
But there came days when I found myself standing outside the diner
longing to go in.
Wanting to feel him.
Wanting to hear him.
Wanting the life he could give me.
But I always backed away.
Turned my back and walked away.
I fled.
Took the easiest way out.
I ran.
----------------------
She came in the morning just before I was about to open the diner.
She came to break my heart.
Lorelai.
I let her in.
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing."
"Then why are you here?"
"I wanted to talk to you."
"About what?"
"I don't want anything to come between us."
"Okay."
"But I feel that we have to talk about what happened."
I nodded.
Hope started to build in my chest.
Maybe I was wrong about her.
Maybe everything will be all right.
"I don't want that night to come between us..We have a great
friendship and I don't want anything to ruin that."
"It won't."
"So you agree?"
"Agree to what?"
"That it was a mistake."
Her words hit me right in the chest.
I had thought that she had come her to...
Pain.
Sorrow.
I looked at her and for a moment I wanted to hate her.
But I couldn't.
I could never hate her.
Lovely Lorelai.
All I could see was her.
Guess I was a fool thinking that...
It's over now.
"A mistake."
"Yes."
She nodded.
Her eyes met mine and I understood.
I wanted to tell her how much her words hurt me but I couldn't.
So I lied.
"I agree."
She smiled.
Then she turned around and walked away from me.
Leaving me standing there longing for her.
-----------------
She entered my life in a time when my heart was bleeding.
She saved me.
Rachel.
I wanted to push her away.
She had hurt my so many times.
Broken my heart.
Shattered my soul.
But I didn't care about that.
I needed her.
Wanted her.
Anyone.
I needed human contact.
To forget the world for a while.
So I fell into her.
Savior.
-------------
The message came by way of Sookie.
She stood in the middle of the kitchen of the Inn and told me.
I never thought it could hurt me the way it did.
I have always though I was stronger than that.
I guess I was wrong.
Rachel was back in his life.
The love of his life.
The one that got away.
I should be happy for him.
He deserves every happiness life can give him.
I have no claim to his heart.
-----------------
We made no promises this time around.
I understood.
She understood.
I needed to her to mend my heart.
She needed me to control her wild heart.
I never told her.
She understood, anyway.
She has always been able to read me like an open book.
I thanked god for her.
The hardest thing I have ever done was inviting her back into my life.
But I refused to let her back into my heart.
I just couldn't.
Fear held me back.
It was a matter of survival.
---------------------
I went about my day as usual.
Everything was normal.
Nothing had changed.
I entered the diner one week after the message that Rachel was back.
He was behind the counter.
Luke.
He looked up as I walked through the door.
Our eyes met.
I walked up to him.
"Hi" I said.
"Hi" He said.
His eyes pierced into me.
I tried to read what he was thinking but it was impossible.
I wanted to say something.
To explain.
To try to make him see my point of view.
But as I looked into his eyes I knew that my words only fell ON
deaf ears.
He was determined now.
To shut me out.
In that moment my heart shattered into millions and millions of
tiny pieces.
Ice was what he gave me.
I deserved all of this.
I have no one to blame but me.
"What will you have?"
I crumbled under his gaze.
"Coffee, please."
That was all I was able to say.
-------------------
I could see pain in her eyes.
Sorrow.
So many feelings flashed across her face.
For a moment I wanted to fall.
To let my guard down.
To reach out and touch her.
But a voice in my head kept reminding me of all the pain
she had caused me.
I just couldn't walk down that path once again.
I just couldn't.
So I had to push her out of my heart.
Otherwise I would perish.
Forever.
------------------------------------
The Inn,
One month later,
Christmas Eve
-------------
I thought I was strong.
I really thought I could make it through.
But I was wrong.
I walked through the door thinking that I had put it all behind me.
I was moving on with my life.
Then I saw her.
She was standing by the reception talking to Sookie.
She was dressed in a dark dress.
Her hair was shining.
Glowing.
She was on fire.
Suddenly she looked up.
Our eyes met.
She smiled.
----------
He was standing by the door dressed in a nice suit.
He looked nice.
Handsome.
Out of reach.
His eyes pierced into me.
I moved towards him.
"Hi."
"Hi."
He was standing just an arm length away.
My hands screamed out to touch him.
To be touched by him.
But that was only my heart that was dreaming of something I couldn't
have.
"I'm glad you came."
"Wouldn't miss it."
He smiled.
And I fell.
Then the front door opened and Rachel entered the Inn.
I fled.
--------------
She didn't say anything.
She didn't have to say anything.
Everything was already said.
But for a moment I had hoped that she would prove me wrong.
That she wanted me.
Needed me.
Loved me.
Guess I was wrong.
------------------
I know that I was acting silly.
Running away as I did.
But I just couldn't face them.
Not yet.
I needed to find strength somewhere.
I know that I should let him go.
But the memory of him still lingers in the back of my head.
Him.
Luke.
I enter the ballroom pride glowing in my eyes.
I refuse to let them see how much I'm hurting.
I'm stronger than that.
He was standing together with Rachel by the bar.
They were talking.
I stood there.
Out of sight for them.
Watching them.
Longing for him.
He smiled at her.
Pain ripped through me like wave.
Jealousy.
But I had no right to feel like this.
No right at all.
I had chosen this.
To push him away.
He gave me his heart and I turned him down.
I'm the criminal here.
----------------------
I could feel her eyes on me.
I knew she was close.
I could feel her.
Lorelai.
I wanted to go to her.
To talk to her.
To smile again.
But I had to be strong.
I would not give in.
She had made her choice.
Both of us knew.
But a part of me still wanted her.
And that scared me.
------------------------
Van Morrison's lovely "Someone Like You" filled the room.
I walked towards him.
Seeing only him.
Hope living in my eyes.
Love.
Desire.
Our eyes met.
"Do you want to dance?"
He looked at me.
He moved towards me.
"Yes."
He led me to the dance floor.
He took my hand.
Took my heart.
Again.
Hand around my waist.
He pulled me closer.
His scent filled me up.
Causing my heart to flutter in my chest.
With a sigh I surrendered.
I rested my head against his shoulder.
The music calmed me down.
I could almost hear his heartbeat.
As the song came to an end we parted.
I lifted my head and met his gaze.
I wished I could read what he was thinking.
"I want to..."
Explain.
"No.."
"Luke, please..."
He understood.
He let go of me.
I was already missing his touch.
"No, Lorelai."
Then he turned around and walked out of the ballroom.
I found him standing outside watching as the snow came down from
a darkened sky.
"Come inside, Luke."
He turned around and looked at me.
"Why did you ask me to come here today?"
"It's a Christmas party.."
"You didn't answer me..Why me? What do you want from me?"
I walked up to him.
"I want to explain."
"You have nothing to explain."
"Yes, I have."
"No, you don't."
"Then why haven't we talked for about a month?"
"We talk."
"No, we don't. You mutter something every time I enter the diner and
then you excuse yourself and leave. Why? I thought we were friends."
"I thought that too.."
"Then why?"
"Don't you understand..."
"Is this about..."
"Yes.."
"I thought we talked about that."
"You talked. I listened."
"But you agreed. We agreed that it all was a mistake."
"Really. A mistake."
"Yes."
"I gave you my heart that night. I told you the truth."
"Luke..."
"I said that I loved you and you just..Mistake, huh. I gave you
everything and you just threw it aside like it was nothing."
"No.."
I reached for him but he avoided my hand.
"You broke my heart that morning when you told me that it was all
a mistake."
"I'm so sorry...I..."
"Don't bother."
"Luke, please..."
"No. I stood by your side for so long and I did everything for you.
I tried to prove...I tried to make you see..."
"I was blind...I was scared..."
"Oh, don't bother...You don't have to explain."
"I want to.."
"No..You see..I'm better now..I have found a way to drive you out
of my heart."
"Luke.."
"Don't worry..I'm just fine..I feel better than ever..So don't worry.
You'll not hear those words from me ever again."
"I made a mistake."
"That's not my problem."
"Don't do this!"
"It's my decision"
"Please, I want.."
"YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE ME!"
The pain struck and struck hard.
I never thought words could hurt me so.
I never he could hurt me so.
But he did.
They did.
I reached for him.
But he pushed my hand away.
"Please..."
I was standing in front of the man I loved asking him to love me.
Pleading for my heart.
I was losing.
He turned to me.
I was crying now.
"I don't know what you wanted to achieve with this party.."
"I wanted to tell you the truth."
"I don't want to hear it."
He turned to leave.
Panic ate at my heart.
"I love you."
He stopped.
Then he turned around and looked straight at me.
"Don't you ever say that again."
I fell.
I died.
Then he turned around and walked away.
And the snow kept on falling.
--------------------------
*Part 3 is called "Again" and it's coming soon...
Feedback----j_rothen@yahoo.se
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: After the events of "Grace". Lorelai and Luke both
have to handle the consequences of their night together. Rachel
returns to Stars Hollow.
AUTHORS NOTE: Thank you to Amy once again...My friend and savior :)
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
-------------------------------
"I wonder how I ever made it through a day
How did I settle for a world in shades of gray
When you go in circles all the sea looks the same
And you don't know how, then I looked into your eyes
And the world stretched out in front of me and I realized.."
("Before you love" sung by Kelly Clarkson )
--------------------------
Still standing
By: Jessica
---------------------
I tried to erase him from my memory.
As the days turned into weeks my memory started to fade.
I no longer could remember the feel of his lips against mine.
My hands no longer screamed out for him.
I was going to be all right.
Or at least that's what I tried to convince myself.
---------------------
I kept hoping that she would come back to me.
I tried to tell myself that she needed time.
But as the days grew into weeks I knew that I was fooling myself.
She would not come to me.
I refused to go to her.
Her silence judged her.
I kept seeing her around town.
She never stepped foot inside my diner.
Never even looked at me.
And that hurt.
I wanted her and I took a chance on my heart.
And I lost.
-------------
It was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Staying away from him.
Sometimes he came to me in my dreams.
He brought light into my life.
Brought my soul peace.
But as soon as the morning came he was gone.
Leaving me there all alone.
I refused to miss him.
I tried to convince myself that I was better off.
That I didn't need the complications.
But there came days when I found myself standing outside the diner
longing to go in.
Wanting to feel him.
Wanting to hear him.
Wanting the life he could give me.
But I always backed away.
Turned my back and walked away.
I fled.
Took the easiest way out.
I ran.
----------------------
She came in the morning just before I was about to open the diner.
She came to break my heart.
Lorelai.
I let her in.
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing."
"Then why are you here?"
"I wanted to talk to you."
"About what?"
"I don't want anything to come between us."
"Okay."
"But I feel that we have to talk about what happened."
I nodded.
Hope started to build in my chest.
Maybe I was wrong about her.
Maybe everything will be all right.
"I don't want that night to come between us..We have a great
friendship and I don't want anything to ruin that."
"It won't."
"So you agree?"
"Agree to what?"
"That it was a mistake."
Her words hit me right in the chest.
I had thought that she had come her to...
Pain.
Sorrow.
I looked at her and for a moment I wanted to hate her.
But I couldn't.
I could never hate her.
Lovely Lorelai.
All I could see was her.
Guess I was a fool thinking that...
It's over now.
"A mistake."
"Yes."
She nodded.
Her eyes met mine and I understood.
I wanted to tell her how much her words hurt me but I couldn't.
So I lied.
"I agree."
She smiled.
Then she turned around and walked away from me.
Leaving me standing there longing for her.
-----------------
She entered my life in a time when my heart was bleeding.
She saved me.
Rachel.
I wanted to push her away.
She had hurt my so many times.
Broken my heart.
Shattered my soul.
But I didn't care about that.
I needed her.
Wanted her.
Anyone.
I needed human contact.
To forget the world for a while.
So I fell into her.
Savior.
-------------
The message came by way of Sookie.
She stood in the middle of the kitchen of the Inn and told me.
I never thought it could hurt me the way it did.
I have always though I was stronger than that.
I guess I was wrong.
Rachel was back in his life.
The love of his life.
The one that got away.
I should be happy for him.
He deserves every happiness life can give him.
I have no claim to his heart.
-----------------
We made no promises this time around.
I understood.
She understood.
I needed to her to mend my heart.
She needed me to control her wild heart.
I never told her.
She understood, anyway.
She has always been able to read me like an open book.
I thanked god for her.
The hardest thing I have ever done was inviting her back into my life.
But I refused to let her back into my heart.
I just couldn't.
Fear held me back.
It was a matter of survival.
---------------------
I went about my day as usual.
Everything was normal.
Nothing had changed.
I entered the diner one week after the message that Rachel was back.
He was behind the counter.
Luke.
He looked up as I walked through the door.
Our eyes met.
I walked up to him.
"Hi" I said.
"Hi" He said.
His eyes pierced into me.
I tried to read what he was thinking but it was impossible.
I wanted to say something.
To explain.
To try to make him see my point of view.
But as I looked into his eyes I knew that my words only fell ON
deaf ears.
He was determined now.
To shut me out.
In that moment my heart shattered into millions and millions of
tiny pieces.
Ice was what he gave me.
I deserved all of this.
I have no one to blame but me.
"What will you have?"
I crumbled under his gaze.
"Coffee, please."
That was all I was able to say.
-------------------
I could see pain in her eyes.
Sorrow.
So many feelings flashed across her face.
For a moment I wanted to fall.
To let my guard down.
To reach out and touch her.
But a voice in my head kept reminding me of all the pain
she had caused me.
I just couldn't walk down that path once again.
I just couldn't.
So I had to push her out of my heart.
Otherwise I would perish.
Forever.
------------------------------------
The Inn,
One month later,
Christmas Eve
-------------
I thought I was strong.
I really thought I could make it through.
But I was wrong.
I walked through the door thinking that I had put it all behind me.
I was moving on with my life.
Then I saw her.
She was standing by the reception talking to Sookie.
She was dressed in a dark dress.
Her hair was shining.
Glowing.
She was on fire.
Suddenly she looked up.
Our eyes met.
She smiled.
----------
He was standing by the door dressed in a nice suit.
He looked nice.
Handsome.
Out of reach.
His eyes pierced into me.
I moved towards him.
"Hi."
"Hi."
He was standing just an arm length away.
My hands screamed out to touch him.
To be touched by him.
But that was only my heart that was dreaming of something I couldn't
have.
"I'm glad you came."
"Wouldn't miss it."
He smiled.
And I fell.
Then the front door opened and Rachel entered the Inn.
I fled.
--------------
She didn't say anything.
She didn't have to say anything.
Everything was already said.
But for a moment I had hoped that she would prove me wrong.
That she wanted me.
Needed me.
Loved me.
Guess I was wrong.
------------------
I know that I was acting silly.
Running away as I did.
But I just couldn't face them.
Not yet.
I needed to find strength somewhere.
I know that I should let him go.
But the memory of him still lingers in the back of my head.
Him.
Luke.
I enter the ballroom pride glowing in my eyes.
I refuse to let them see how much I'm hurting.
I'm stronger than that.
He was standing together with Rachel by the bar.
They were talking.
I stood there.
Out of sight for them.
Watching them.
Longing for him.
He smiled at her.
Pain ripped through me like wave.
Jealousy.
But I had no right to feel like this.
No right at all.
I had chosen this.
To push him away.
He gave me his heart and I turned him down.
I'm the criminal here.
----------------------
I could feel her eyes on me.
I knew she was close.
I could feel her.
Lorelai.
I wanted to go to her.
To talk to her.
To smile again.
But I had to be strong.
I would not give in.
She had made her choice.
Both of us knew.
But a part of me still wanted her.
And that scared me.
------------------------
Van Morrison's lovely "Someone Like You" filled the room.
I walked towards him.
Seeing only him.
Hope living in my eyes.
Love.
Desire.
Our eyes met.
"Do you want to dance?"
He looked at me.
He moved towards me.
"Yes."
He led me to the dance floor.
He took my hand.
Took my heart.
Again.
Hand around my waist.
He pulled me closer.
His scent filled me up.
Causing my heart to flutter in my chest.
With a sigh I surrendered.
I rested my head against his shoulder.
The music calmed me down.
I could almost hear his heartbeat.
As the song came to an end we parted.
I lifted my head and met his gaze.
I wished I could read what he was thinking.
"I want to..."
Explain.
"No.."
"Luke, please..."
He understood.
He let go of me.
I was already missing his touch.
"No, Lorelai."
Then he turned around and walked out of the ballroom.
I found him standing outside watching as the snow came down from
a darkened sky.
"Come inside, Luke."
He turned around and looked at me.
"Why did you ask me to come here today?"
"It's a Christmas party.."
"You didn't answer me..Why me? What do you want from me?"
I walked up to him.
"I want to explain."
"You have nothing to explain."
"Yes, I have."
"No, you don't."
"Then why haven't we talked for about a month?"
"We talk."
"No, we don't. You mutter something every time I enter the diner and
then you excuse yourself and leave. Why? I thought we were friends."
"I thought that too.."
"Then why?"
"Don't you understand..."
"Is this about..."
"Yes.."
"I thought we talked about that."
"You talked. I listened."
"But you agreed. We agreed that it all was a mistake."
"Really. A mistake."
"Yes."
"I gave you my heart that night. I told you the truth."
"Luke..."
"I said that I loved you and you just..Mistake, huh. I gave you
everything and you just threw it aside like it was nothing."
"No.."
I reached for him but he avoided my hand.
"You broke my heart that morning when you told me that it was all
a mistake."
"I'm so sorry...I..."
"Don't bother."
"Luke, please..."
"No. I stood by your side for so long and I did everything for you.
I tried to prove...I tried to make you see..."
"I was blind...I was scared..."
"Oh, don't bother...You don't have to explain."
"I want to.."
"No..You see..I'm better now..I have found a way to drive you out
of my heart."
"Luke.."
"Don't worry..I'm just fine..I feel better than ever..So don't worry.
You'll not hear those words from me ever again."
"I made a mistake."
"That's not my problem."
"Don't do this!"
"It's my decision"
"Please, I want.."
"YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE ME!"
The pain struck and struck hard.
I never thought words could hurt me so.
I never he could hurt me so.
But he did.
They did.
I reached for him.
But he pushed my hand away.
"Please..."
I was standing in front of the man I loved asking him to love me.
Pleading for my heart.
I was losing.
He turned to me.
I was crying now.
"I don't know what you wanted to achieve with this party.."
"I wanted to tell you the truth."
"I don't want to hear it."
He turned to leave.
Panic ate at my heart.
"I love you."
He stopped.
Then he turned around and looked straight at me.
"Don't you ever say that again."
I fell.
I died.
Then he turned around and walked away.
And the snow kept on falling.
--------------------------
*Part 3 is called "Again" and it's coming soon...
Feedback----j_rothen@yahoo.se