Title: Again
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: A bend in the road, a twist of fate and a goodbye and a new
beginning.
AUTHORS NOTE: Part of this is inspired by the music video "Unbreakable"
by Westlife. I can't say that I'm huge fan but I found the video
to be really great. For those who have seen it know where I'm coming
from. English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
--------------------------------------------
"I've memorized your face
I know your touch by heart
Still lost in your embrace
I'd dream of where you are..."
( from "One more time" written by Richard Marx )
------------------------------
Again
by: Jessica
---------------------
I stood there along time watching as he walked away from me.
I wanted to run after him.
Make him see.
Make him understand.
But I knew that it was no use.
He had made it clear.
He didn't want to hear.
Didn't believe me.
I wanted to hate him for what he did to my heart.
But I couldn't.
I could never hate him.
Guess I have to surrender this battle now.
He will never mine.
I have to accept that.
-------------------------
Rachel found me one hour later sitting in the darkness of the diner.
She sat down opposite me and took my hand.
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing."
"You have always been such bad liar."
"It's nothing. I swear."
"You danced with Lorelai and then you were both gone."
"Nothing happened."
"It's doesn't look like that to me."
"Leave it alone, Rachel."
"I will not leave it alone. I can see how much it's bothering you."
"Please..."
"Why won't you tell me what's happening?"
"Because nothing has happened."
"Stop lying."
"What do you want me to say?"
"Try the truth."
"It's nothing to say."
"I have been studying the both of you for this past month and I know
something big has happened. Have you finally told her the truth?"
"So what if I did?"
"But that's great! Isn't it?"
"I wish I'D never met her.."
"Don't say that. I know that you love her."
"I wish I didn't."
"Why? I thought..."
"You thought wrong...You want to hear the truth? You want to hear
the whole nasty truth?"
"Yes."
"We spend the night together."
"Oh.."
"Yeah, oh..That's her reaction also."
"But.."
"I told her that night..I told her the truth. And she..."
"What?"
"She threw it in my face."
"No."
"Yes. I told her that I was in love with her and she considered
it a mistake."
"Luke, I'm sure she didn't meant it."
"Oh, yes she did. She stood right here and told me that we should
forget and that it all was just a mistake."
"I'm so sorry."
"YEP..and then tonight..."
She reached for me but I avoided her hand.
"What?"
"She told me that she had made a mistake."
"And?"
"And nothing.."
"It has to have been something more."
"She told me that she loved me."
"Oh, that's great!"
"She was obviously lying."
"Luke, no."
"She wanted to mend our friendship and she came up with that."
"Maybe she was telling the truth."
"No, not Lorelai. I know her by now. She doesn't change her mind."
"Maybe she was just scared.."
"No, I refuse to believe that."
"Is it so impossible that she really loves you?"
I rose.
"You don't understand! She stood here in the middle of the diner
and told me...that it was all a mistake! I gave her everything that
night. I gave her myself. And she just..."
"You have to forgive her."
"Why? I don't have to do anything."
"Because you love her."
"No..I thought I did.."
"You lie."
She walked up to me and framed my face between her hands.
"Look at me, Luke Danes. Look at me!"
I met her gaze.
"Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love her."
"I DON'T LOVE HER."
I broke free from her and turned my back to her.
"I don't believe you."
"I don't care."
"She loves you, Luke. Everyone can see that. And you love her."
"No."
"Why can't for once admit that?"
"Because.."
"Because what?"
"She hurt me!"
"You have to forgive her."
"I don't know if I can."
She walked up to me and took my hand.
I turned to her.
Tears filled my eyes as I looked at her.
"I don't want to be alone anymore.."
I fell into her.
She wrapped her arms around me and whispered:
"Go to her. Go to her and tell her the truth."
"What if she doesn't want me? I said so many horrible things."
"She will forgive you."
"But...."
"She loves you. You have to believe that."
She let go of me and looked at me.
She smiled.
I smiled.
"Thank you."
-----------------------------------
Three days later
Hartford.
----------------------------
"Is this it, Mr. Danes?"
My hands trembled as I took the ring in my hand.
It was a small diamond.
Perfect.
It represented everything that was her.
Beauty.
It took three days for me to work up the courage to come here.
To buy this ring.
I hadn't planed it this way.
I had dreamed.
I will admit that.
That I will win her heart once again.
I have planed it well.
I will not lose again.
Never again.
She will be mine and I will love her.
Keep her.
I smile at the jeweler as he places the ring back in its box and
hands it over to me.
"Who is the lucky lady?"
All I can do is smile.
"Lorelai."
Then I pay and walk out.
I was still smiling as I got into my car.
Maybe it was foolish to do this.
I don't know.
But I have to take a chance.
I have to make her see that I need her with me.
Forever, this time.
I will go to her now and ask her to be my wife.
Maybe I'm a fool.
But this feels right.
I have never felt like this before.
So alive.
This feels bigger than me.
I start the car.
The night creeps closer as I head home.
To her.
I turn up to the car radio to max as I leave Hartford behind.
Bruce Springsteen is on.
I sing.
I laugh.
I fly.
It happened so fast.
I turned the corner and met my destiny.
It had been getting colder.
An icy road.
I hit the breaks.
I knew instantly that it was a mistake.
The car went flying.
My scream still lingered in my mind as I crashed through the
railing and into the dark forest.
Panic.
Fear.
NO! NO! NO! NO!
Then a tree.
I knew what was going to happen before it did.
I couldn't avoid it.
Scream.
Then I hit the tree.
The last thing that was on my mind before darkness took over
was her.
Lorelai.
Then darkness.
-------------------------------------
"Are you all right?"
Rory was standing in the doorway to my bedroom.
I rose from the bed and looked at her.
"Of course I AM. Why do you ask?"
"You have been up here for an hour. It's not like you."
"I'm fine."
LIAR
"Do you want to rent some movies and get some pizza or something?"
I smiled.
"Yeah, I'll just change and then I'll come down."
"Okay. Are you sure you are okay?"
"Yes! Don't worry."
"It's just that you are not the same."
"Don't be silly. Go down. I'll be down in a minute."
She smiled at me and went down.
I know that I should tell her.
I should have told her along time ago.
But I can't.
I don't want to hurt her by making her hope for something that will
never happen.
It's better that she will not know.
I don't want to see her hurt.
So I will keep this for myself.
To save her from the pain.
I dressed quickly.
I was down a minute later.
I found Rory in the living room.
Rachel was standing in the middle of the room.
She looked up as she saw me.
Our eyes met.
Sorrow painted her eyes.
Pain.
"What's the matter?"
Then I met Rory's eyes and saw the tears.
"What's wrong?"
Rachel walked up to me and took my hand.
"You better sit down, mom."
I looked at my daughter and fear gripped at my heart.
"What's wrong? Tell me."
Silence.
I sat down.
Rachel sat down opposite me.
She looked like she would fall apart at any moment.
"It's Luke."
"What has happened?"
She avoided my eyes as she continued:
"He was in AN accident tonight."
"He is all right isn't he?"
"Lorelai..I."
I understood.
She didn't have to speak those words.
I could already read it in her face.
The pain struck and struck hard.
I shook my head.
Not believing.
"They tried but he was already dead when they arrived at
the hospital."
"No! NO! NO!"
"I couldn't understand why he had to go to Hartford. It had been
snowing all day. But he was determined. Nothing could hold him back.
So I let him. I never thought..."
I rose.
"No! You are wrong! Someone has made a mistake."
I met her gaze and knew.
I fell.
I shattered.
I broke into millions of pieces.
Rory reached for my hand but I slipped away from her hand.
"No. There's no mistake...I saw him. They let me see him."
"Please, Rachel...Why are you doing this?"
"Because you loved him as much as I did."
Tears filled her eyes as she continued:
"They had cleaned up really nice....He looked...so peaceful. And I.."
"NO! NO! Not Luke...He.."
My legs gave away and I fell.
"They told me...That he was driving to fast...There was a bend in
the road...Ice...And..."
Gone.
Luke.
So fast.
In a blink of an eye.
It couldn't...
I wanted to shut my eyes and never open them again.
I wanted to hide.
Run away.
Pain came knocking.
Rory sat down beside me and whispered my name.
Tears made my sight blurry as I looked at her:
"Why him?"
"I don't know, Mom."
I turned towards Rachel.
She sat there looking so small.
So fragile.
Like a wind could knock her over.
I reached out and took her hand.
She looked at me.
Tears marked her face as she spoke:
"He had this on him..."
She reached into her jacket and pulled out a small box.
We both understand what it was.
I could see pain in her eyes as I met her gaze.
My hands trembled as I received the box.
Opened it.
Saw the ring.
The small diamond.
Gold.
"He wanted you to have it..."
Her voice fade to black as I removed the ring from the safety of the
box.
Tears marked my face as I slipped it on my hand.
It fit perfectly.
"Luke..."
He came to me.
His face was before me.
Smiling.
I closed my eyes and in a moment he was there in the room.
I could almost feel him.
See him.
Taste him.
It's amazing the games your mind can play on you.
For a moment, for a single minute, I believed that my prayers could
bring him back to me, safe and unharmed.
But reality hit as I opened my eyes.
"There's an inscription...I opened the box...I read...I thought..."
I understood.
I could see disappointment in her eyes.
Pain.
Sorrow.
I removed the ring slowly.
I was already missing its touch.
I had a hard time breathing as I read:
"You have my heart - Luke."
In that moment my insides exploded.
I bleed.
Everything went spinning.
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"
He had wanted me.
He had wanted me in spite of all my faults.
He had wanted just me.
Nothing else.
Me.
And I had pushed him away.
I rose.
Wanted to run.
Away from this hell that was this room.
But she stopped me.
They stopped me.
"There was a letter...."
I turned to Rachel.
She wiped away her tears with the back of her hand and reached inside
her jacket and removed an envelope.
"I found it among his things... It says Lorelai on the envelope."
I looked at her, searching for answers.
Rachel rose from the couch.
"I'll leave you alone to read it.."
Then she was gone.
Rory followed her to the door.
My hands were shaking as I opened the envelope and read:
"I thought I could erase you from my heart.
I worked day and night in the battle to remove every trace of you.
But it was impossible.
Your smell was on me.
Everywhere I turned you were there.
Chasing me around.
I wanted to so desperately to show that I could live without you.
But I know the truth now.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
I hate it.
I hate that you are not by my side.
You belong here.
With me.
I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, Lorelai.
As the years passed I began to love you..
I know, I'm sounding silly...Foolish almost...
But I don't know how to make you see how much I love you.
I tried to show it.
But my acts felt so useless and pointless.
Then you came to me and saved me.
I gave myself totally that night.
Loving you with my hands.
But I couldn't hold back.
Not anymore.
So I told you.
Your reaction to that night hurt me more than I know that was
possible.
You hurt me, Lorelai.
So I stayed away.
But I couldn't remove you from my heart.
I can see that now.
I can see things so clearly now.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. But all I know is that I
want you. Desperately. And if I don't ask you to be mine I know that
I will regret it. I will die a very slow and painful death.
I will go to Hartford and then I will go to you and hope that
I can win your heart.
I love you always,
Luke.
With a cry I fell.
My legs gave away and I crumbled to the floor.
I screamed.
"LUKE!!!!!!!!!!!"
I clung to the letter like it could save me from what was to come.
Rory.
Her hand on my shoulder.
Around me.
Whispering words of comfort.
I fell into her.
Save me.
Save me.
Save me.
Bring him back.
I whispered my plea to the heavens.
But all that met me was silence.
I died.
--------------------------------
Two days later
--------------------------------
"Mom, are you ready?"
The world came back with her voice.
Rory.
She was standing in the doorway.
Looking older than she really was.
Dressed in black.
I was sitting on my bed.
Dressed in black.
I looked at her.
Tears in my eyes.
"I don't want to do this.."
"Mom..."
"No! I don't..."
She walked up to me and sat down beside me.
"Mom, you have to.."
"No, I don't..He..This is not happening.."
She took my hand.
Tears marked my face.
"Tell me that he is coming back to me."
"I can't do that."
"Lie to me."
"Mom, we can make it through this."
"I don't know if I can.."
"Yes you can."
"No. I'm not strong. I'm weak. I need him. I need him to breathe."
"You are breathing."
"Why did this happen?"
"It was an accident..."
"Why couldn't anyone save him?"
"They tried..But.."
"Why couldn't HE save him?"
I looked up.
"You don't believe in God."
"But they say that He is so great...So why did He take him? Why LUKE?
What did I do that was so wrong? Why is He punishing me?"
"You did nothing."
"I have to have done something. But I can't understand why."
"I can't answer that. No one can."
"But."
"Mom..."
Tears marked my face as I looked at my lovely daughter.
"I can't live without him..."
"Yes, you can."
"No...He was everything...I loved him."
"I know you did. I loved him to."
"Why did he leave? Why did he go to Hartford? He knows better than
to drive fast in that kind of weather. Damn him!"
Hate filled me.
It made me stronger.
I rose.
I lifted my head towards the sky and screamed:
"I HATE YOU, LUKE! CAN YOU HEAR THAT!? Damn you for leaving!!!"
Rory rose and reached for me but I slipped from her hand.
"NO! I HATE HIM! I hate him for leaving me here all alone! How could
he believe that I could make it here alone? DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!??
Why did you leave me? Please, come back. Come back!!!"
I fell to the floor.
I cried.
My voice was just a whisper as I spoke:
"I need you here with me. Come back to me."
I bowed my head and surrendered to a world of pain.
-----------------------------
He laid him to rest under a big oak.
I think he would have liked that spot.
It was a nice service.
He would have hated it.
I walk up to the window.
It has begun to snow.
The sun graces us with its presence.
I stoke my flat belly.
Months from now it will be big.
I whisper:
"We'll make it together."
I have fallen in love with the miracle that grows below my heart.
He is not gone.
He will never leave me.
He has left a piece behind for me.
And I know I will survive.
-------------------------
Feedback. j_rothen@yahoo.se
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: A bend in the road, a twist of fate and a goodbye and a new
beginning.
AUTHORS NOTE: Part of this is inspired by the music video "Unbreakable"
by Westlife. I can't say that I'm huge fan but I found the video
to be really great. For those who have seen it know where I'm coming
from. English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
--------------------------------------------
"I've memorized your face
I know your touch by heart
Still lost in your embrace
I'd dream of where you are..."
( from "One more time" written by Richard Marx )
------------------------------
Again
by: Jessica
---------------------
I stood there along time watching as he walked away from me.
I wanted to run after him.
Make him see.
Make him understand.
But I knew that it was no use.
He had made it clear.
He didn't want to hear.
Didn't believe me.
I wanted to hate him for what he did to my heart.
But I couldn't.
I could never hate him.
Guess I have to surrender this battle now.
He will never mine.
I have to accept that.
-------------------------
Rachel found me one hour later sitting in the darkness of the diner.
She sat down opposite me and took my hand.
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing."
"You have always been such bad liar."
"It's nothing. I swear."
"You danced with Lorelai and then you were both gone."
"Nothing happened."
"It's doesn't look like that to me."
"Leave it alone, Rachel."
"I will not leave it alone. I can see how much it's bothering you."
"Please..."
"Why won't you tell me what's happening?"
"Because nothing has happened."
"Stop lying."
"What do you want me to say?"
"Try the truth."
"It's nothing to say."
"I have been studying the both of you for this past month and I know
something big has happened. Have you finally told her the truth?"
"So what if I did?"
"But that's great! Isn't it?"
"I wish I'D never met her.."
"Don't say that. I know that you love her."
"I wish I didn't."
"Why? I thought..."
"You thought wrong...You want to hear the truth? You want to hear
the whole nasty truth?"
"Yes."
"We spend the night together."
"Oh.."
"Yeah, oh..That's her reaction also."
"But.."
"I told her that night..I told her the truth. And she..."
"What?"
"She threw it in my face."
"No."
"Yes. I told her that I was in love with her and she considered
it a mistake."
"Luke, I'm sure she didn't meant it."
"Oh, yes she did. She stood right here and told me that we should
forget and that it all was just a mistake."
"I'm so sorry."
"YEP..and then tonight..."
She reached for me but I avoided her hand.
"What?"
"She told me that she had made a mistake."
"And?"
"And nothing.."
"It has to have been something more."
"She told me that she loved me."
"Oh, that's great!"
"She was obviously lying."
"Luke, no."
"She wanted to mend our friendship and she came up with that."
"Maybe she was telling the truth."
"No, not Lorelai. I know her by now. She doesn't change her mind."
"Maybe she was just scared.."
"No, I refuse to believe that."
"Is it so impossible that she really loves you?"
I rose.
"You don't understand! She stood here in the middle of the diner
and told me...that it was all a mistake! I gave her everything that
night. I gave her myself. And she just..."
"You have to forgive her."
"Why? I don't have to do anything."
"Because you love her."
"No..I thought I did.."
"You lie."
She walked up to me and framed my face between her hands.
"Look at me, Luke Danes. Look at me!"
I met her gaze.
"Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love her."
"I DON'T LOVE HER."
I broke free from her and turned my back to her.
"I don't believe you."
"I don't care."
"She loves you, Luke. Everyone can see that. And you love her."
"No."
"Why can't for once admit that?"
"Because.."
"Because what?"
"She hurt me!"
"You have to forgive her."
"I don't know if I can."
She walked up to me and took my hand.
I turned to her.
Tears filled my eyes as I looked at her.
"I don't want to be alone anymore.."
I fell into her.
She wrapped her arms around me and whispered:
"Go to her. Go to her and tell her the truth."
"What if she doesn't want me? I said so many horrible things."
"She will forgive you."
"But...."
"She loves you. You have to believe that."
She let go of me and looked at me.
She smiled.
I smiled.
"Thank you."
-----------------------------------
Three days later
Hartford.
----------------------------
"Is this it, Mr. Danes?"
My hands trembled as I took the ring in my hand.
It was a small diamond.
Perfect.
It represented everything that was her.
Beauty.
It took three days for me to work up the courage to come here.
To buy this ring.
I hadn't planed it this way.
I had dreamed.
I will admit that.
That I will win her heart once again.
I have planed it well.
I will not lose again.
Never again.
She will be mine and I will love her.
Keep her.
I smile at the jeweler as he places the ring back in its box and
hands it over to me.
"Who is the lucky lady?"
All I can do is smile.
"Lorelai."
Then I pay and walk out.
I was still smiling as I got into my car.
Maybe it was foolish to do this.
I don't know.
But I have to take a chance.
I have to make her see that I need her with me.
Forever, this time.
I will go to her now and ask her to be my wife.
Maybe I'm a fool.
But this feels right.
I have never felt like this before.
So alive.
This feels bigger than me.
I start the car.
The night creeps closer as I head home.
To her.
I turn up to the car radio to max as I leave Hartford behind.
Bruce Springsteen is on.
I sing.
I laugh.
I fly.
It happened so fast.
I turned the corner and met my destiny.
It had been getting colder.
An icy road.
I hit the breaks.
I knew instantly that it was a mistake.
The car went flying.
My scream still lingered in my mind as I crashed through the
railing and into the dark forest.
Panic.
Fear.
NO! NO! NO! NO!
Then a tree.
I knew what was going to happen before it did.
I couldn't avoid it.
Scream.
Then I hit the tree.
The last thing that was on my mind before darkness took over
was her.
Lorelai.
Then darkness.
-------------------------------------
"Are you all right?"
Rory was standing in the doorway to my bedroom.
I rose from the bed and looked at her.
"Of course I AM. Why do you ask?"
"You have been up here for an hour. It's not like you."
"I'm fine."
LIAR
"Do you want to rent some movies and get some pizza or something?"
I smiled.
"Yeah, I'll just change and then I'll come down."
"Okay. Are you sure you are okay?"
"Yes! Don't worry."
"It's just that you are not the same."
"Don't be silly. Go down. I'll be down in a minute."
She smiled at me and went down.
I know that I should tell her.
I should have told her along time ago.
But I can't.
I don't want to hurt her by making her hope for something that will
never happen.
It's better that she will not know.
I don't want to see her hurt.
So I will keep this for myself.
To save her from the pain.
I dressed quickly.
I was down a minute later.
I found Rory in the living room.
Rachel was standing in the middle of the room.
She looked up as she saw me.
Our eyes met.
Sorrow painted her eyes.
Pain.
"What's the matter?"
Then I met Rory's eyes and saw the tears.
"What's wrong?"
Rachel walked up to me and took my hand.
"You better sit down, mom."
I looked at my daughter and fear gripped at my heart.
"What's wrong? Tell me."
Silence.
I sat down.
Rachel sat down opposite me.
She looked like she would fall apart at any moment.
"It's Luke."
"What has happened?"
She avoided my eyes as she continued:
"He was in AN accident tonight."
"He is all right isn't he?"
"Lorelai..I."
I understood.
She didn't have to speak those words.
I could already read it in her face.
The pain struck and struck hard.
I shook my head.
Not believing.
"They tried but he was already dead when they arrived at
the hospital."
"No! NO! NO!"
"I couldn't understand why he had to go to Hartford. It had been
snowing all day. But he was determined. Nothing could hold him back.
So I let him. I never thought..."
I rose.
"No! You are wrong! Someone has made a mistake."
I met her gaze and knew.
I fell.
I shattered.
I broke into millions of pieces.
Rory reached for my hand but I slipped away from her hand.
"No. There's no mistake...I saw him. They let me see him."
"Please, Rachel...Why are you doing this?"
"Because you loved him as much as I did."
Tears filled her eyes as she continued:
"They had cleaned up really nice....He looked...so peaceful. And I.."
"NO! NO! Not Luke...He.."
My legs gave away and I fell.
"They told me...That he was driving to fast...There was a bend in
the road...Ice...And..."
Gone.
Luke.
So fast.
In a blink of an eye.
It couldn't...
I wanted to shut my eyes and never open them again.
I wanted to hide.
Run away.
Pain came knocking.
Rory sat down beside me and whispered my name.
Tears made my sight blurry as I looked at her:
"Why him?"
"I don't know, Mom."
I turned towards Rachel.
She sat there looking so small.
So fragile.
Like a wind could knock her over.
I reached out and took her hand.
She looked at me.
Tears marked her face as she spoke:
"He had this on him..."
She reached into her jacket and pulled out a small box.
We both understand what it was.
I could see pain in her eyes as I met her gaze.
My hands trembled as I received the box.
Opened it.
Saw the ring.
The small diamond.
Gold.
"He wanted you to have it..."
Her voice fade to black as I removed the ring from the safety of the
box.
Tears marked my face as I slipped it on my hand.
It fit perfectly.
"Luke..."
He came to me.
His face was before me.
Smiling.
I closed my eyes and in a moment he was there in the room.
I could almost feel him.
See him.
Taste him.
It's amazing the games your mind can play on you.
For a moment, for a single minute, I believed that my prayers could
bring him back to me, safe and unharmed.
But reality hit as I opened my eyes.
"There's an inscription...I opened the box...I read...I thought..."
I understood.
I could see disappointment in her eyes.
Pain.
Sorrow.
I removed the ring slowly.
I was already missing its touch.
I had a hard time breathing as I read:
"You have my heart - Luke."
In that moment my insides exploded.
I bleed.
Everything went spinning.
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"
He had wanted me.
He had wanted me in spite of all my faults.
He had wanted just me.
Nothing else.
Me.
And I had pushed him away.
I rose.
Wanted to run.
Away from this hell that was this room.
But she stopped me.
They stopped me.
"There was a letter...."
I turned to Rachel.
She wiped away her tears with the back of her hand and reached inside
her jacket and removed an envelope.
"I found it among his things... It says Lorelai on the envelope."
I looked at her, searching for answers.
Rachel rose from the couch.
"I'll leave you alone to read it.."
Then she was gone.
Rory followed her to the door.
My hands were shaking as I opened the envelope and read:
"I thought I could erase you from my heart.
I worked day and night in the battle to remove every trace of you.
But it was impossible.
Your smell was on me.
Everywhere I turned you were there.
Chasing me around.
I wanted to so desperately to show that I could live without you.
But I know the truth now.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
I hate it.
I hate that you are not by my side.
You belong here.
With me.
I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, Lorelai.
As the years passed I began to love you..
I know, I'm sounding silly...Foolish almost...
But I don't know how to make you see how much I love you.
I tried to show it.
But my acts felt so useless and pointless.
Then you came to me and saved me.
I gave myself totally that night.
Loving you with my hands.
But I couldn't hold back.
Not anymore.
So I told you.
Your reaction to that night hurt me more than I know that was
possible.
You hurt me, Lorelai.
So I stayed away.
But I couldn't remove you from my heart.
I can see that now.
I can see things so clearly now.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. But all I know is that I
want you. Desperately. And if I don't ask you to be mine I know that
I will regret it. I will die a very slow and painful death.
I will go to Hartford and then I will go to you and hope that
I can win your heart.
I love you always,
Luke.
With a cry I fell.
My legs gave away and I crumbled to the floor.
I screamed.
"LUKE!!!!!!!!!!!"
I clung to the letter like it could save me from what was to come.
Rory.
Her hand on my shoulder.
Around me.
Whispering words of comfort.
I fell into her.
Save me.
Save me.
Save me.
Bring him back.
I whispered my plea to the heavens.
But all that met me was silence.
I died.
--------------------------------
Two days later
--------------------------------
"Mom, are you ready?"
The world came back with her voice.
Rory.
She was standing in the doorway.
Looking older than she really was.
Dressed in black.
I was sitting on my bed.
Dressed in black.
I looked at her.
Tears in my eyes.
"I don't want to do this.."
"Mom..."
"No! I don't..."
She walked up to me and sat down beside me.
"Mom, you have to.."
"No, I don't..He..This is not happening.."
She took my hand.
Tears marked my face.
"Tell me that he is coming back to me."
"I can't do that."
"Lie to me."
"Mom, we can make it through this."
"I don't know if I can.."
"Yes you can."
"No. I'm not strong. I'm weak. I need him. I need him to breathe."
"You are breathing."
"Why did this happen?"
"It was an accident..."
"Why couldn't anyone save him?"
"They tried..But.."
"Why couldn't HE save him?"
I looked up.
"You don't believe in God."
"But they say that He is so great...So why did He take him? Why LUKE?
What did I do that was so wrong? Why is He punishing me?"
"You did nothing."
"I have to have done something. But I can't understand why."
"I can't answer that. No one can."
"But."
"Mom..."
Tears marked my face as I looked at my lovely daughter.
"I can't live without him..."
"Yes, you can."
"No...He was everything...I loved him."
"I know you did. I loved him to."
"Why did he leave? Why did he go to Hartford? He knows better than
to drive fast in that kind of weather. Damn him!"
Hate filled me.
It made me stronger.
I rose.
I lifted my head towards the sky and screamed:
"I HATE YOU, LUKE! CAN YOU HEAR THAT!? Damn you for leaving!!!"
Rory rose and reached for me but I slipped from her hand.
"NO! I HATE HIM! I hate him for leaving me here all alone! How could
he believe that I could make it here alone? DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!??
Why did you leave me? Please, come back. Come back!!!"
I fell to the floor.
I cried.
My voice was just a whisper as I spoke:
"I need you here with me. Come back to me."
I bowed my head and surrendered to a world of pain.
-----------------------------
He laid him to rest under a big oak.
I think he would have liked that spot.
It was a nice service.
He would have hated it.
I walk up to the window.
It has begun to snow.
The sun graces us with its presence.
I stoke my flat belly.
Months from now it will be big.
I whisper:
"We'll make it together."
I have fallen in love with the miracle that grows below my heart.
He is not gone.
He will never leave me.
He has left a piece behind for me.
And I know I will survive.
-------------------------
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