Chapter Four

Disclaimer: None of it is mine, mateys. Ar. And all that. 

The sun shone down on four boys, alone on a large rock, fishing. Well, the sun would have shone down, if there was such thing as sun in Scotland. In actual fact, the sky was grey, and it was raining lightly. It had been, for quite some time. Anyone walking past would have said they seemed to be peaceful and content, enjoying the bounties of nature. Though why anyone would be walking past the middle of nowhere I can't guess. No-one could be more wrong. They were simply bored. And cold. And wet. But anyway. It rained.

Sirius looked up worriedly from his daydream. "Guys, the rest of the class still aren't here yet. What do you think could have happened to them?"

James looked up gloomily from staring at his reflection. "Do you think I'm getting a spot?"

"Er…" Sirius stared at his friend. "I'd say that you'd been out in the sun too long…" He looked up at the sky. "But, as there appears to be no sun…have you been drinking the sea water?"

"No. Look, just between my eyes. On my chin."

"Er…on your chin, between your eyes?" He gave Remus a nervous glance, who returned it.

"Yes." James said impatiently. "Can you see a spot?" He pawed his forehead nervously. "It's the salt-water, I'm sure…"

"Ah-hah! So you did drink the water! And if it's between your eyes, on your chin, why are you pawing at your forehead?"

"No, it's splashing up at me."

"You're forehead?"

"Shhh!"

Remus had stuck out a hand suddenly, and had frozen in place.

"Wha-" The hand slammed over Sirius's mouth. 

"Shh…" Remus hissed. He stared fixedly at the line. It twitched. Peter scrambled up beside them, drawing a camera from his bag. Sirius and James stared at the line, then both broke out into excited whoops. The line twitched some more.

"Bring it up! Reel it in! Get the net!"

"For you, or the fish?"

"Come on Remus!!!!"

"I am! I am!"

Peter scrambled with the camera.

"I'll take a picture!"

"Yeah!" James said enthusiastically. "Really close up!"

"Why?"

"Then it'll look huge!"

"Your logic astounds me."

"Thanks old pal!"

"Not in a good way."

Remus struggled with the rod. "It won't come up…" He tugged, groaning. "It's stuck!"

"Probably seaweed then."

"No…" Remus leaned back, then gave an almighty tug. The rod flew up in the air, with a strange creature dangling from the end.

"What a weird fish." Sirius prodded the crab. The crab hung on tight.

"It's a crab, Sirius. A crustacean." Peter said knowledgeably.

This remark received an empty stare.

"Never mind. Can we eat it Remus?" asked Peter, taking a picture as close as he could. Remus shook his head.

"It's too small. We'll have to put it back." Saying so he gave the crab a flick, and with a gentle 'plop' the crab fell back into the water.

            They sat for a while, watching the waves. It wasn't long before another tugging came on the end of a rod, this time for James. For excited yellings and idiotic gestures see before. Or try testing your imagination to the limits for mishaps. It'll probably be close. Yes, even the one involving the flamingo.

"Hey…it's another crab!"

"Stupid things. Maybe we're in a colander of them."

The others stared at James in disbelief, who looked smug.

"Ha. Didn't think I knew that sort of thing, did you? Who's thick now, eh?"

"Colony."

"You what?"

"A colony of crabs."

"That's what I said!"

"No, you suggested they were in a device used for straining vegetables."

"Whatever." James turned back to his catch and flicked it off into the water, its limbs flailing slowly as it fell.

"I think it was the same one."

            Needless to say, this was repeated three more times. The same crab each time On the fifth time…

"My lines tugging again." Sirius said gloomily. He raised the crab out of the water. "Are you sure we can't eat the little bugger?"

"We could…"

"What? And you didn't say?!"

"The idea of you trying to de-shell the poor things…it would break every single animal rights law."

"Good point. But we love animals."

"Sheep?"

"They don't count."

Sirius gave the rod a little bounce, the crab on the end of it clicked its pincers furiously.

"Leggo crab."

The crab clicked. Sirius scowled, and bounced the rod vigorously.

"What's going on?"

At this point, each Marauders insides turned to ice. Or a really cold kind of jelly. Frozen jelly. That's basically ice isn't it? Frozen jelly. It just hasn't got the same ring to it.

"We've been looking for you for hours!" Professor McGonagall screeched, holding onto her hat. She clambered around a rock, the pupils trailing miserably behind.

"Quick!!" Remus hissed. "Throw it back!"

"It won't let go!" Sirius shook the rod up and down. The crab hung on tight. Peter, James and Remus stood in the way of him, blocking Sirius from McGonagall's view.

"Get off, get off, get off!" He hissed. He raised the rod behind him and threw it forward, launching the crab high into the air. A frozen-jelly hand gripped his shoulder, and he was spun round to face the Professor. She looked suspicious.

"What are you doing?"

"Um. Fishing, miss."

"Where were you?"

 "Miss?"

"You weren't with the rest of us!"

"Miss."

"Is that a yes miss, or a no miss?"

"Miss?"

Sirius's eyes grew wide as he watched the crab fall back towards the earth, heading straight for the professor.

"I'm going to die."

"What?!" The crab hurtled down at lightning speed. There is a limit to a crabs patience. Unfortunately the limit is stretched too far when it is thrown into the air and lands on a persons rear. So, naturally, the crab vented its anger on the rear of the person it had landed on. Sirius heard a

"hmm…" McGonagall turned back around. "Come on now. Back to the camp. We've all caught fish for dinner. What about you?"

Sirius, James and Peter's mouths dropped open.

"We haven't-" Sirius began.

"We've eaten-" Remus said hurriedly, glancing at the Slytherin's watching intently. "-already. Thanks."

The others glared mutinously at their friend, as the rejoined the ranks and marched back to camp.

**************

"We're going to eat now, boys." They looked longingly at the bucket of fish the professor was carrying. "You can go to bed."

            They were too tired to argue. The four of them trudged miserably back to the tent. Or, where they left the tent.

"It's gone."

All that remained of their sorry mutant tent was the rope that they'd used to tether it to the ground. Chewed through.

"Damn!"

"Our tent ran away. Bet this happens to muggles all the time."

"It doesn't usually happen to wizards either!"

Peter rummaged around in the gloom. The sky was beginning to darken, the stars shone vaguely.

"Our stuff's still here. Look-" he pointed. "Our back-packs. But McGonagall's still got our wands…"

"I'm not summoning any more sheep. I think we've created quite enough mutants for now."

"Fine, but we've got to look for our tent." Remus said sagely. "Now…if I were a walking sheep-tent where would I go?"

"What do walking sheep-tents like?"

"Grass."

"None. Just moss here."

"What do sheep-tents like to do?"

"Shi-"

"Weird. Do you reckon they do?"

"All that grass has got to go somewhere." Sirius shrugged.

"No, they make a great deal of noise." James added thoughtfully.

The all pricked up their ears. Remus performed this quite literally, his slightly pointed ears twitched and moved back, straining for sound. The others tried to pretend this didn't bother them.

"No…" He murmured after a while. "Nothing."

"Come on then." Peter heaved himself up and tossed them each a torch.

"What the…?" Sirius pointed the bulb at his face and shook it. "What are these things?"

"It's a torch. Like saying Lumos. But to get the effect, flick the switch. But-"

"Argh! It blinds!" Sirius clutched at his eyes. The others pointed the torches to the ground and flicked them on while Sirius recovered.

"I know. I have the answer!" Sirius cried out.

"Really. Do tell." Remus muttered sarcastically.

"What does everyone need? Ask the beetles!"

"He's truly cracked." James stared at him. "And he's supposed to be my best friend. How embarrassing."

Peter made the sign of the cross.

"No," Remus grinned. "He means The Beatles."

"Yes! All you need is love, right?"

"You're suggesting our sheep-tent went to some sort of sheep brothel?"

Each paused for the mental image to reach their minds.

"Shut up James. It's probably gone to see the others tents."

Remus frowned. "Or the other sheep."

"Where first then?" Peter questioned.

"The tents, they're nearest."

The four crept along slowly in the direction of the tents. The others were all lined up in rows, orderly and overshadowed in the moonlight, creating dark alleyways.

"It's like some sort of horror movie."

"What kind of movies do you watch? Since when do sheep-tent… murderers hide… between…other… tents?" Remus sort of trailed off mid sentence, the humor blown away on the wind. The moon and the darkness took it's toll, like it does in each human being.

You can be strolling along happily through a dark wood, but the moment a little thought sneaks up on you, containing a hint of murder or ambush, your mind goes haywire. You can try to ignore it but it spreads. It's like a disease.

"You… don't think it's dangerous do you?" Peter asked as casually as he could. Failing miserably as his teeth started to chatter.

"It's a tent Peter!" Sirius started to joke, but doubt crept up on him. "I guess it probably has teeth…"

"Chewed through the rope."

"Probably in one bite."

"Probably got fangs."

"And the tent pegs…for claws…"

The huddled closer.

"Right. All together now."

Taking a deep breath  they each took a step forward into the first row of tents. The shadows loomed over them, the moonlight (*not full moon. Duh. I'm not that dumb.*) broke over the tent faces reflecting an eerie atmosphere. A twig snapped somewhere up ahead. Their eyes picked up movement, and a soft rustling sound.

"Uh…"

Remus was suffering more. The others couldn't here McGonagall forcing the others to sit round a camp fire and sing 'The Hoodie Craw'.

They rounded the corner of the first row. Nothing to be seen… James flicked on his torch. They gasped. Remus crept down.

"Yes. It has been here. The prints are fresh." Tent pegs had been stuck in the ground, and the holes led off to the right. They crept round the side of another tent, and leaned against it, hiding in the shadow.

"Hey…"

"What?"

"The prints stop here…"

The tent they were leaning on leapt up and started to run away.

"After it!"

The tent galloped through the rows, the marauders tore after it.

"It can't run forever!"

"It's a tent for crying out loud! It probably can!"

The tent scanned the countryside desperately for somewhere to hide. It saw light coming from up ahead and started to make for it.

"Oh no!" Sirius panted. "It's going for the camp fire!"

"We're all going to die! We're all going to-" James shut up as Peter took the time and energy to hit him over the head with a torch.

"Run faster!" Remus cried desperately. But it was too late. The tent leapt into the circle of light. The screams rebounded off the hillside.

"If only we had our wands-" Remus panted.

"We'd be dead by now!"

"Good point." They reached the middle of the affray. Pupils ran in all directions, the sheep tent sat in the middle and cowered.

And then a very strange event took place. Sirius felt sorry for the tent. Something about it sitting there alone, when it had done no harm, it triggered some ancient vault within him containing sympathy. He ran towards it, banishing his plans for sitting light to it to destroy the evidence. He bent down and offered it his hand.

"AAARGH! It BIT me!" Sirius yelped and flailed his arm madly around trying to dislodge the tent, knocking several pupils unconscious.

If it was possible the ending of the world came once more for the marauders. McGonagall approached.

"What bit you Mr Black?" She said in a dangerous voice. Sirius hesitated only for a second before grabbing James's head, who'd sat down to toast marshmallows.

"James did!"

"Fwofoah!" James protested, with a mouth full of gooey marshmallow fun.

It may have gone OK if it wasn't for the tent. Well, actually it wouldn't have. In one route of time, the tent ran into the fire, went alight, set the whole of Scotland burning and killed thousands of sheep. There was much rejoicing. In that universe.

    In another dimension, Remus started singing 'Burn baby burn' as the tent went alight and was jailed in a young offenders institute. But enough of that. In the dimension we're looking at, the tent bowled the professor over and her hat set alight. Nothing serious. Yet. She put it out with a water spell and froze the sheep with a simple freezing charm. Her looks did just that to the Marauders insides, reducing them to frozen jelly once more.

"So."

"So…"

"Stop that Black."

"Miss?"

It takes a great deal of self control to be a teacher.

"This is the reason for all the trouble!"

"Er…mi-"

"I'm warning you Black."

Remus piped up, casually sticking a marshmallow on a stick as he spoke. "Yes miss. It was an accident miss… a mishap." He placed the marshmallow in the fire.

"It shall be exterminated!"

"No!" Sirius cried out. The others looked surprised.

"I thought you hated sheep?" Remus said curiously.

"Fwomphinloof." Added James.

"I…do…did…it's just…I've kinda…" The tent gave his arm a savage chew. He winced.

McGonagall interrupted. "It shall be destroyed. That is all there is to it."

"Fwonkest. Mwallophursteelope."

"He says that it has the right to a fair trial. See pg. 1638 of 'Magical Beasts and the Law'."

"He said that?"

"No, miss, but I do." Remus looked determined.

"Ghfoo gmoony!"

"He just said 'Go moony.'"

"I am aware of that. But it does not class as a beast!"

"Ah, but it does!" Sirius scanned his brain quickly. This didn't take very long. "Page 325 of 'Transfiguration and the Law'."

McGonagall's nostrils flared angrily.

"Very well! A trial! To be held here! Tomorrow! I suggest you get your case in order, boys. I shall be the judge. This shall be a good lesson in…magical law. Yes."

"What about the-" Peter began. Just then two boys climbed out of the shrubbery.

"I wonder what they were doing in ther-" Sirius began grinning, but quailed at a look from the professor.

"We'll be the opposition, professor. We heard everything." A cold voice sounded.

A blond, long-haired boy nodded as his greasy-haired companion spoke. The Marauders let out a hiss.

"No! You ca-"

Severus Snape and Lucious Malfoy leered at them. The professor sighed.

"Enough. Bed. Now."

: Apoligies for the not very goodness of this chapter. It really isn't very good. It's working up to (I hope) a funny court scene. I hope I can get a lot of humor into the next chapter, so forgive me huh?

PS: Go check out my best friends story! It's at: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1132808   sorry, this probably won't work, and extra sorries if I'm doing anything wrong… but it's so very funny! *sniggers* and a big thanks to all my reviewers.