Author's Note: There are several tiny inside jokes… well, all right, there's one tiny inside joke and one huge inside joke. The tiny one is the whole Chicago-Philadelphia thing. I will not attempt to explain that. The huge one is basically the story itself. It's in Five-Minute Voyager format, which was created by the brilliant Zeke (http://www.3sygma.com/fiveminute). Kudos to him. This means that it's all dialogue. Deal with it.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Zero. Nada. I'm alone in the world, except for my Santa hat and my life-size anatomically correct replica of Tom Felton. I mean – uh – my computer. Right.

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Owls: Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!

Dumbledore: Boo.

McGonagall: Now I must create interest by referring to you on a first-name basis. *ahem* Are the rumours true, Albus?

Dumbledore: Yes.

McGonagall: Okay. Where's the kid?

Dumbledore: Hagrid is bringing him.

McGonagall: Are you insane? Hagrid can't even count to ten on his own fingers. What makes you think he'll be able to take care of a little kid?

Dumbledore: He'll be fine, because "Hagrid" and "kid" rhyme.

Hagrid: Hi.

Dumbledore: Give the kid here, Hagrid.

McGonagall (muttering): What a bunch of idiots. I'm filing a legal complaint. Would you believe these people pay my salary?

Dumbledore: Now I'm going to leave him here with a family that abhors magic and hates the Potters.

Hagrid: Good idea, Professor! (looks awed) You sure are smart.

McGonagall: Yeah, yeah, just drop the kid off already.

Dumbledore: There. Now don't worry, he probably won't grow up to be a depressed, lonely, abused kid. His aunt and uncle might be nice to him, probably.

Harry: Wah. I'm a depressed, lonely, abused kid. I don't have the guts to call Social Services about my abusive aunt and uncle.

Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia & Dudley: Hi. We hate your guts.

Snake: Hiss! Hiss!

Harry: I know how you feel. Life as an adopted just isn't the all-fire holy thing people think it is.

Snake: Hiss! Hiss!

Harry: They did WHAT? Holy cow, Chicago beat Philadelphia in the semi-finals? Who are they playing next?

Dudley: WHOA! Chicago beat who? Outta my way, kid!

Harry: Grrr.

Glass: VANISH

Uncle Vernon: I have no proof whatsoever that you made the glass vanish! Therefore, it must be you!

Harry: Ah, of course. Muggle logic.

Uncle Vernon: We're being bombarded with letters. I find this terrifying enough to leave our house forever.

Harry: You're such a weakling.

Uncle Vernon: Bite me.

Hagrid: Hi! You didn't turn out to be a depressed, lonely, miserable kid, did you?

Harry: … um…

Hagrid: Who really cares. By the way, you're a wizard.

Harry: That's nice.

Hagrid: You'll be going to wizard school.

Harry: That's nice.

Hagrid: You'll have to pay for it.

Harry: Aw, come on, be reasonable!

Chris Columbus: This movie is bound to be a success, since "Hagrid" and "Harry" and "Hermione" and "Hogwarts" all start with "H". Wow, I'm on a roll!

Ron Weasley: Hi. I'm really poor.

Harry: I see. That would explain why your parents had 5 billion kids - to be even poorer.

Ron: Exactly.

Hermione Granger: Hello. You're both idiots.

Audience: GO HERMIONE!

Harry & Ron: Bite us.

Draco Malfoy: Hi. I'm really quite evil.

Harry: Go away from me now, please.

Sorting Hat: You've got a really, really, really, really screwed-up mind. Off to Gryffindor you go!

Harry & Ron: Lessons suck.

Hermione: You're both idiots.

Audience: GO HERMIONE!

Ron: Let's take this forbidden passage down to a trapdoor.

Harry: Okay.

Hermione: You're both idiots.

Audience: Go Hermione.

Harry: Why are you whispering?

Audience: We don't want to wake up the giant three-headed dog behind you.

Ron: The WHAT?!

Three-Headed Dog: GRRR…

Hermione: You're all idiots.

Madam Hooch: Now everybody, be sure that at least one of you makes a fatal mistake so I can bring them to the hospital, therefore freeing Harry to show off his Quidditch skills.

Neville Longbottom: WHOA! *thud* Ouch.

Madam Hooch: Okay, off to the hospital wing we go.

Draco: You suck, Potter.

Harry: Bite me.

Draco: Hmm… no. I think I'll give you an opportunity to show of your Quidditch skills instead.

Harry: Okay. *FWOOSH*

Draco: Oh look, he caught it.

McGonagall: For disobeying school rules, you get to be on the Quidditch team.

Oliver Wood: Hi.

Female members of audience: *THUMP*

Oliver: Now, these are the rules of Quidditch.

Female audience members: DROOL

Harry: Could you repeat that, please? I couldn't hear you over all the drooling.

Oliver: Sure - gives me another chance to use my accent.

Female audience members: DROOL

Harry: Through no fault of my own, I seem to have figured out what that three-headed dog is guarding.

Ron: Let's go get ourselves killed!

Hermione: You're both idiots.

Male audience members (while cleaning drool off themselves): GO HERMIONE!

Female audience members: DROOL… we want MORE OLIVER! Oh, and go Hermione!

Harry: I must sacrifice myself now. Good luck to you, Hermione.

Hermione: You're an idiot.

Ron: …wait… it's too dangerous… you might get bored! Here, take this pack of cards.

Harry: Thanks. I'm prepared for whatever might lie within now.

Hermione: You're both idiots. But I love you anyways.

Voldemort: MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Harry: You can't touch me, you know. Don't ask me how I know that.

Voldemort: Oh yeah? Oh YEAH?! Watch this! (touches Harry) Oh. I guess not. YEAAAGGH!! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!! (melts)

Harry: Yay, I defeated the ultimate evil!

Hermione: You think Voldemort is the ultimate evil? Then you haven't tried Hagrid's soufflés.

Harry: … Hagrid?… soufflés?… EEK!!

The End

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The Adventures of Ickle Harry will continue, my friends, just so long as you keep reviewing! So, in the words of Silver Phoenix:

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That is all.