This story is a collaborative effort between MahliaLily ( http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=288788 ) and CircleSky.

A Few Verses Short of a Christmas Carol

CHAPTER 3: And the Hen Said, "Parlez-Vous Français?"

"Dean! Come here!" Clara called out excitedly.

"What do you want?" Dean called back. He was snuggled under his quilt on a holiday morning, and there was very little that his younger sister could do or say to drag him out of bed.

"You have gifts here. Lots of them!" she said.

The meaning of her words slowly registered itself in his conscious mind, thereby igniting an internal struggle. Dean stretched out on the mattress, caught somewhere between blissful relaxation and burning curiosity. Soon, however, curiosity won out, and Dean pushed down the blankets, a cold chill breaching his happy cocoon. Dean sighed, swung his long legs off the bed, and stuck his feet in slippers so he wouldn't have to touch the hardwood floor downstairs.

"Where are you?" he asked as he plodded down the stairs.

"In the kitchen."

Dean hit the hardwood then, his slippers making scuffling, thwacking noises with each step he took. "What gifts? Whoa…" He silenced her from answering his question when he walked around the corner into the kitchen, his still-bleary eyes widening at the sight of a whole spread of baked goods covering much of the kitchen table. "What's all this?"

"It's from your Secret Santa."

"Wow," Dean said, impressed. "Wait. All of this is for me?"

"Yup. Can I have one of your cookies?" she asked, referring to the three-dozen rocky road and peanut butter cookies stacked in open Tupperware containers. The cookies were centered among three equally tempting cakes: angel food cake with vanilla frosting and shaved chocolate garnishes, a chocolate and vanilla marbled cheesecake, and a dark chocolate cake surrounded by a base of raspberries.

"Oh. Uh. Sure. Have as many as you want," Dean said dazedly. He would definitely need help eating all of these desserts. Dean had liked his first gift as well - a DVD copy of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring - but, this time, his Secret Santa had gone above and beyond the call of duty. There were several hours worth of baking sitting right here on his kitchen table.

"Yahoo!" Clara grinned as she grabbed a handful of cookies.

"How did all this stuff get here?"

"She brought them over," Clara admitted, too busy licking chocolate off her fingertips to notice what she'd revealed about his Secret Santa's identity. Clara took off for the living room with her cookies.

"'She', huh?" he said, as he plucked a rocky road cookie off of the pile. The scrumptious morsel tasted as good as it looked. In fact, the desserts all looked so good that, although Dean felt certain that everything was homemade, it all could have easily come from Fran's Bakery. Rory always said Fran's had the best cakes in town. Dean smiled as he recalled the first conversation he'd ever had with Rory. That day, she'd babbled nervously about the delicious "round" cakes at Fran's. It had been so cute.

Dean polished off his first cookie and reached for another one. Rocky road was, by far, Dean's favourite type of cookie. Rory, who knew this, had occasionally made batches of the delicacy for him in the past. His Secret Santa used a recipe very much like the one Rory sometimes used.

Come to think of it, his Secret Santa had also taken the time to bake him cakes, all of them being round cakes. Dean smiled. Rory wasn't usually much for cooking, but she'd surprised him before by making him a home-cooked meal à la Donna Reed. He now knew she had the capacity for it. The rocky road cookies, the round cakes, the sheer volume and loving care taken in preparing this gift…

And even the "Lord of the Rings" DVD. Rory knew, perhaps better than anyone, how much he loved that movie. He'd even mentioned to her, before, that he'd like to get it on DVD. The more Dean thought about it, the more he thought that his Secret Santa could very well be Rory. Certainly, no one but Rory loved him enough to put this much effort into his gift.

Dean grabbed a knife and plate and cut into the angel food cake. "Who did you say my Secret Santa was?" Dean called out to his sister, sussing slyly.

"Ha! I'm not telling!" she called back from the living room.

But it didn't matter. Dean smiled again. He already knew; it was none other than his beloved Rory.

***

"Rise and shine, Sleepy Head."

"Muh," Rory mumbled from beneath her bedspread.

"I'm sorry," Lorelai answered. "I don't think I understand 'muh.' Does that mean 'Go away' or 'Just a second' or maybe 'Man, my mom has such a beautiful voice'?"

"Leave me alone," Rory moaned.

"Duly noted. 'Muh' means 'Leave me alone.' Now that I have that all figured out, I guess I'll just take this nice package that the UPS man brought for you and keep it for myself."

Lorelai started to walk out of the room but glanced back just in time to see Rory peek one eye above the blanket to look at her.

Squinting in an effort to see her mother's hands, Rory asked accusingly, "Is that just a ploy to get me out of bed or did I really get a package?"

"I don't know," Lorelai said with a shrug. "Guess you'll just have to come into the kitchen and see." Without another word, Lorelai rushed from the room.

"Evil!" Rory yelled as she dragged herself out of bed and into the kitchen.

"Not so evil," Lorelai stated from her seat at the kitchen table. "There really is a package." She shoved it towards Rory.

Now wide-awake, Rory sat down and drew the cardboard box closer. She looked at the return address. "Gevalia?"

Lorelai shrugged. "Open it!"

"Okay, okay," Rory mumbled. Grabbing a pair of scissors, she cut into the tape along the seam of the box and opened it up. Lying on top of the contents was a letter. Rory picked it up and skimmed the words. "Gevalia is a gourmet coffee and tea company," she explained. "My Secret Santa got me a membership to a coffee-of-the-month club."

"Really?" Lorelai asked, rising to look over Rory's shoulder. "That must've cost a fortune."

"I know," Rory said in agreement.

"Well, what'd we get this month?"

Rory pushed aside the packing peanuts and pulled out two smaller packages. "Um," she said, looking at the label on the plastic, airtight-sealed bag of coffee. "Looks like December gets us Royal Vinter coffee. What's Royal Vinter coffee?" she inquired.

"I don't know," Lorelai answered. "But let's get that baby percolating." She grabbed the bag out of Rory's hand and walked towards the coffeepot. "What's the other package?"

"Ooh, chocolate truffles," Rory cheered.

"Chocolate?" Lorelai repeated. "I think I like your Secret Santa."

"Me too," Rory agreed, extending the box of candy to her mother.

***

"Lucas Danes?" inquired the man at the counter.

Jess turned around and looked at the man, recognizing his brown uniform immediately. "No, thank God," Jess drawled sarcastically. Then, he scanned the diner and, locating his uncle at a far table, called out, "Hey Lucas! There's a man here to see you."

Luke looked up, annoyed, but his expression quickly changed when he saw that it was a perfectly harmless UPS man. He walked briskly to the counter.

"I'm Luke."

"Ah, great!" the UPS man replied. "Just sign here, and it's all yours."

"It?" Luke asked as he signed the paper.

"This," the man replied, hoisting a heavy, medium-sized cardboard box onto the counter. "Merry Christmas!"

"Yeah, Merry Christmas," Luke mumbled. He and Jess were both staring at the box with identical fearful expressions.

"Secret Santa?" Jess asked.

"I imagine so."

"What do you think is gonna jump out of there when you open it?"

"I have no idea," Luke answered worriedly.

"Maybe you should open it?" Jess hesitantly suggested, instinctively backing away.

"Or not." They both stared at the package some more.

"Are you going to open it?" Jess asked again. "After all, your first gift was a flannel shirt. Pretty tame."

"Yeah, but that could have been an attempt to lull me into a false sense of security."

"Point taken," Jess concurred.

"Just open it, boys!" Miss Patty yelled from a nearby table. "Some of us are very curious."

Luke frowned, then sighed, and then moved to get a knife. He sliced through the tape with ease, and then, after staring at the box a little longer, he slowly lifted the flaps, bracing himself for the worst.

When there were no popping noises or explosions, he breathed a sigh of relief and looked directly into the box. Now smiling, he lifted the gift out of the packaging. "It's a toaster," he said. "Hey, I got a new toaster!" There was a chorus of cheers from Miss Patty and the other patrons.

"Nice," Jess remarked, silently thanking Luke's Secret Santa for relieving him of Lorelai's constant toaster torture.

"I'm gonna set this up! You!" Luke barked at Jess, regaining his composure. "Go take orders!"

***

"Luke! Luke!!!" Lorelai yelled before she'd even made it completely through the door to the diner. "Coffee! Quick!"

"What?" Luke asked, turning away from the new toaster, bewildered by the sudden interruption.

"Didn't you hear the lady?" Rory asked with uncharacteristic impatience. "She said coffee! Hurry! On the double!"

"Snappy, snappy!" Lorelai encouraged as she plopped onto a stool at the counter.

"What's the emergency?" he inquired as he reached for the pot of coffee.

"Geez, you move like an old man!" Lorelai complained.

"Stop with the compliments or I might start looking a lot like a slow-motion movie," he warned.

"Don't you dare!" she chastised.

"What happened?" he asked again.

"Coffee," she uttered, cringing.

"Bad coffee," Rory elaborated from the stool next to Lorelai.

"Horrible coffee," Lorelai bemoaned.

"The worst!" Rory agreed.

Luke looked at them curiously as he filled their mugs. "Huh?"

As soon as the cups were full, both women snatched them up and hungrily gulped from them. After a moment, Lorelai set hers back down on the counter. "Finally! The taste is gone."

"The taste?" Luke asked.

"The putrid taste of Royal Vinter coffee! I don't know who or what Royal Vinter is, but someone needs to sue him – them – it."

"What are you talking about?"

Finally relaxing as her taste buds were saved, Rory took pity on Luke and explained, "I got a gift from my Secret Santa."

"Her evil, evil Secret Santa," Lorelai interrupted.

"My Secret Santa got me a membership to Gevalia's coffee-of-the-month club. So we decided to try it out this morning." Rory took another gulp of Luke's precious coffee and felt the ordeal ebb like a distant memory.

"Bad, bad idea," Lorelai moaned.

"Very bad."

"We're talking worse than decaf here."

"It wasn't pretty. It smelled good, but apparently smells can be deceiving because Mom took a sip and started flipping out. She tried washing her mouth out with water, but the taste was still there. So then she ran to the box of truffles that I got with the coffee and grabbed one, thinking it would counteract the taste. But she accidentally grabbed one of the dark chocolates."

"It tasted like coffee!" Lorelai cried.

"You like coffee," Luke pointed out.

"Bad coffee. It tasted like Royal Vinter coffee."

"I didn't think it could possibly be that bad," Rory continued. "So I tried some of the coffee. It was that bad."

"You shouldn't have doubted me. I was trying to protect my poor baby from the trauma," Lorelai said, rubbing Rory's back comfortingly.

"I'll never doubt you again," Rory replied, punctuating her declaration with a slash of her open fist. "Anyway, all we could think to do was to run here and get some of your coffee. We were praying it'd be enough."

"You ran here?" Luke asked in amazement.

"You should've seen us! Jackie Joyner-Kersee would've been eating our dust," Rory said proudly.

"Thank God the membership is only three months," Lorelai sighed.

"Who cares how long the membership is," Luke said. "You don't have to drink it again."

"And waste coffee?!?" Lorelai asked, astonished. "That'd be wrong."

"If I ever start to think like you two, would you please put a bullet in me?" Luke pleaded.

"It'd be our pleasure," Lorelai assented. "Now fill 'er up!"

Smiling despite himself, Luke refilled Lorelai's cup and then moved to pour more coffee into Rory's.

"Oh, hey, Luke," Rory began. "Can I ask a favor?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"Well, I've been having trouble figuring out what to give my Giftee. I finally have four gifts, but I need one more. I thought about it, and since everyone loves to eat here –"

"Very good, honey. Compliment the man," Lorelai interrupted in between savoury mouthfuls of Luke's medicinal coffee. "Always works."

Luke shot Lorelai a look and then turned his attention back to Rory.

"Anyway," Rory continued. "I know you don't usually do this, but I was wondering if I could somehow give my Giftee a certificate for here. It doesn't have to be anything big. Anything at all will do," Rory rambled.

"Sure," Luke answered easily.

"Sure?" Rory asked.

"Yeah, whatever you want."

"Thanks, Luke! That's so nice of you."

"I don't really have certificates just lying around," Luke added, deflecting the compliment.

"Oh, right," Rory agreed.

"But I'm sure we can figure out something. Jess!" he yelled.

Jess looked up from the nearby table, which he'd been clearing. "Yeah?"

"Come over here and help Rory." Then, turning back to the younger Gilmore, Luke said softly, "Whatever you want, just tell Jess, and he can write out a certificate for you."

"Thanks, Luke!" Rory said again, gratefully.

Luke smiled and walked over to serve other customers.

Lorelai rose and followed him. "Hey Luke. Can I get a certificate for free food too?" she asked sweetly. "This place just has the best food ever. And, as a loyal customer, I think I deserve a free meal. Luke. Please Luke. You don't want me to think you love Rory more than me, do you? Pretty please."

Rory watched her mother hanging off of Luke's arm, begging for free food, until Jess came and sat beside her. Rory turned her twinkling eyes from her mother's antics to her friend instead.

"Hey."

"Hey," she answered.

"So I couldn't help but overhear. Bad coffee, huh?"

"Yeah, awful coffee!" Rory shuddered at the memory.

"Huh," he said, nodding casually while trying very hard to suppress a smirk.

"I think it gave my mom and me a newfound appreciation for Luke's coffee."

"Never a bad thing," Jess replied.

"Nope," Rory agreed.

"So you needed something?"

"Oh yeah. Luke said you could write me a certificate to give to my Giftee."

"Luke's giving out free food now? He must really like you."

"He's just being nice."

"I guess," Jess said, smiling at her in a way that immediately caused butterflies to take flight in her stomach.

Rory broke their gaze and looked into her coffee cup, suddenly fascinated by its brown liquid contents.

Grinning at her sudden shyness, Jess looked away and ripped a piece of paper off of his order pad. "Okay, so, what fabulous diner entrée would you like to bestow upon your Giftee?" he asked.

"Oh, um," she mumbled, looking back up at him. "I guess I don't know. Maybe just a free dinner. Even though Luke didn't say so, I doubt he'd want to give more than that, and it's better to leave it open-ended, right?"

"Sounds good to me," he answered, turning his eyes to the paper as he scribbled on it. "So," he began as he continued to write. "Who is this lucky Giftee anyway?"

"I'm not going to tell you," Rory slyly replied.

Jess stilled his hand and looked up. "No? Well, I hope it isn't me because I get to eat this slop for free already."

"It isn't you," Rory assured him.

"But you won't tell me?"

"No, it's supposed to be a secret. Besides, how do I know I can trust you?"

"You can trust me," he said seriously, meeting her eyes with his own. "Are these the eyes of a non-trustworthy person?"

She was silent a moment as she got caught up in the intensity of his gaze. He has the most amazing brown eyes. Snapping herself out of the daze, she looked away. "No, but even so."

"It's okay. You don't have to tell me."

"Good," she said, lightening the mood. "Because, you know, if I tell you, that means you have to tell me who you have."

"Well, now, I'm not gonna do that," he joked.

"See, so it's better this way." She paused as she watched him turn back to the piece of paper. "What was with the handcuffs?"

"I have no idea," he said honestly. "Obviously someone in this town has a strange sense of humour. Unfortunately, knowing that doesn't really narrow down the possibilities."

"I guess not," Rory agreed. "What else did you get?"

"Are you serious? You think I'm gonna open myself up for public humiliation?"

"I won't laugh, I promise," she swore.

Jess peered up at her under a raised eyebrow. "I don't believe you for a second." Then, after a pause, he shifted awkwardly. "I got a copy of the Stars Hollow Blue Book Laws."

"Yeah?" Rory inquired. "Was there a note?"

Jess sighed. "All it said was: 'I know a bad boy when I see one. If you're going to break these, there will be repercussions.'"

Rory smiled a little.

"You said you wouldn't laugh!" Jess accused.

"A laugh and a smile are two very different things, Mr. Mariano. I'm simply smiling. But I will say, sounds like your Secret Santa sure wants to discipline you," she teased, the smile glowing on her face now.

"Stop!" he said weakly. "By the way, have you ever looked at some of the crazy rules in that book? There's actually a law that says it's illegal to hold hands with swine in public."

"That was a recent addition," Rory said, nodding seriously. "See, Bootsie found a stray pig wandering the streets, and he –"

Jess held up his hand, thereby interrupting her. "I don't want to know." Rory's eyes shone as she laughed.

"Well," he said reluctantly, handing her the piece of paper. "I guess I should get back to work."

"Right. Thanks, Jess, for doing this."

"You're welcome, Rory. Oh, don't tell Luke about the last part," he added, referring to the certificate.

Rory smiled at him as he walked towards a table full of customers. Then, curious, she read what he'd written on the paper. "This certificate entitles you to a free dinner at Luke's Diner courtesy of your Secret Santa. Coffee and dessert included." Glancing back up at him, she blushed slightly. Apparently, Luke wasn't the only member of the Danes clan with a carefully concealed soft side.

***

Later that night, Jess was slumped over the kitchen table, propped up by his elbows, his head merely a foot above the piece of paper. His one hand lay flat on the page; his other gripped a pen. He would have been deep in concentration, if Luke hadn't been strutting around the apartment like John Travolta.

"You know, the whole Secret Santa thing, it's really a science," Luke spouted off, his voice growing muffled as he carried Jess's books across the apartment into the next room and dropped them, unceremoniously, somewhere in the vicinity of Jess's bed. "You visualize the gift the person would like to receive – you say to yourself 'what gift does this person need?' - and then you make it a reality. It sounds difficult, but if you do it right - if you listen to your head and heart - it really comes easily."

Jess rolled his widened eyes and leaned further forward to cup his forehead in his hand. He prayed that Luke would be done singing his own praises soon so he could get a little work done.

Jess sighed when Luke went on. "You just need to put a little thought into it. A little effort."

When Luke seemed to silence himself at last, Jess, eyes wide with disbelief, gave a quick shake of his head and dismissed Luke's speech. There were a few choice words he could utter in response, but he didn't want to disrupt his thought process any further.

Jess turned his attention back to the writing in front of him. He knew what he was trying to say with the piece, what ideas he was trying to convey. Phrasing it properly was a little bit tougher, and it took all of his concentration.

If I compare her to a star, Jess formulated, I could say she's on the celestial plane… above the earth… Jess was in the process of mentally articulating that concept when Luke spoke again, and, like sand through his fingertips, Jess lost his tenuous grip on his thoughts.

"I'm on a roll," Luke boasted. "You could learn a thing or two from me, Jess."

Finally, Jess had had enough. "Oh please. You got your Giftee a Chia Head! It's hardly the height of creativity. I'm pretty sure no one's gonna base a self-help book on your shopping skills. Not even a Shopping for Dummies. Now, could you please let those of us who are actually investing some brain activity in the gift-giving process concentrate? Hmmm?"

"Geez, did you buy your Calvins one size too small or something?"

Jess pointed at Luke and took on an air of helpfulness that barely masked the sarcasm rooted beneath it. "Non-fitting Calvins. Yeah, you can add that to your Christmas shopping list. I'm sure your Giftee would love 'em."

"Are you implying that I'm not putting any effort into the gifts I buy?"

"Implying, no. Stating forthrightly, yes. At least I'm personalizing my gift." Jess nodded towards the page in front of him. That was Jess's first mistake.

"That's it," Luke bellowed. Quick as lightning, Luke grabbed the paper off the table as Jess scrambled, unsuccessfully, to snatch it back.

"What are you writing here, anyway?" Luke prodded, not waiting for Jess's response before reading the words scrawled on the page. Jess jumped up from his chair, and Luke turned away from him.

"She exists on a plane that's far above me; a person beyond what I've aspired to be," Luke read aloud as he and Jess played a violent game of keep-away. They paid no attention to the end table they'd bumped or the lamp thereby slowly wobbling. "You're writing poetry!" Luke laughed, clearly amused, not only by the writing itself but also by Jess's response to him reading it.

"Gimme that!" Jess begged in a forceful tone, jumping to reach the paper over Luke's shoulder.

"Who's your Giftee? Who's this for?"

"It's not for anybody." Jess spun Luke's torso around and reached for the paper again. Luke switched it to his other hand in the nick of time.

"You just said you were 'personalizing your gift' so who are you giving this to?" He paused briefly. "Jess!" Luke said incredulously, as though the answer just occurred to him. "Do you have a girlfriend?" Jess tackled Luke to the floor then, Luke's laughter only serving to heighten Jess's ire. "Okay! Okay!" Luke conceded, as he was now lying flat on his back. "I obviously don't care about Secret Santas as much as you do." Luke thrust the poem at Jess at last.

Jess clutched the paper gratefully, paying no mind to the way it crumpled in his fist. He was relieved that Luke would no longer be reading it, but he knew the teasing had only just begun. Maybe Jess should have been more blasé about Luke reading the poem. It would have been easier to deal with the teasing if he hadn't shown how important the poem was. That had been Jess's second mistake.

"Jess in love! That's so cute!" Luke enthused from his position sprawled on the living room floor. With one final parting glance at a chuckling Luke, Jess, poem and pen in hand, high-tailed it out of the apartment before he could make any other mistakes in the heat of the moment.

***

Please review!

This story is a collaborative effort between MahliaLily ( http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=288788 ) and CircleSky.