Barenaked
A/N: I don't really have anything to say. I just like this story. I always seem to make Matt the depressed, problematic one, so I figured I'd turn the tables, and make him a RECOVERING depressed, problematic person. Wow, big difference, I know.
Disclaimer: Digimon and all things affiliated with it belong to Toei, Bandai, and a million other people who aren't me. The song belongs to Jennifer Love Hewitt. Listen to it, and love it like I do!
Note: Italics indicate lyrics. Contains dark stuff (cutting, depression)
Do you ever have that dream
where you're walking naked down the street
and everyone just stares
The snow fell lightly at his feet. He stood in the cold, debating with himself about whether or not to go inside. It wasn't that he didn't want to. He was just… afraid. Nervous. Worried. This wasn't like him. But then again, he hadn't been acting much like himself at all lately.
After several more motionless minutes in the street, he mustered up the courage to open the door to the apartment building and walk inside.
He slowly trudged to the elevators and pressed the "up" arrow. Almost immediately, the doors of the furthest elevator to the left slid open. He got on and pressed the button for the sixth floor. When it came to a stop and the doors reopened, he forced himself to make his way down the hall to apartment 6E.
He knocked on the door.
A few moments later, the door was pulled open by a stunning blonde.
"Tai! What are you doing here?" He asked. He glanced inside, presumably at a clock. "It's almost ten-thirty!"
"I – I didn't know where else to go, Matt." Tai sighed. He looked at the floor, suddenly very interested in the grey industrial carpet in the hallway.
"Well, come on in." Matt stepped back and let the other boy enter the apartment. He led him into the living room. Tai sank down onto the couch. "Do you want anything? I don't know what we have, but…"
"No, it's okay…" Tai said. Matt sat down on chair across from him, and looked at him with concern.
"What's wrong?" he asked, when his friend failed to say anything. Tai hesitated for only a moment, before answering.
"I'm in trouble. Big trouble." He buried his face in his hands. "You're the only one who will understand."
He glanced up carefully. Matt was looking at him expectantly.
"What happened?" He prompted.
"I… hurt myself last night, Matt."
"Hurt yourself?"
"You know, like…" He made a slashing motion with his hand. Matt's eyes widened in understanding.
"Tai…"
"I know…"
"Why?"
"I had another argument with my father. A few weeks ago. He thought I needed to spend less time on sports and more time on my school work. I told him I was doing fine, not perfect, but not anywhere near failing! And he started yelling at me! So I locked myself in the bathroom…' He stopped, his voice shaking with emotion, and took a breath, before continuing. "I saw my mom's razor on the edge of the sink. I remembered what you used to… I picked it up, and the next thing I knew, my leg was covered in blood…"
Tai had started to cry softly, and Matt got up and walked around the table. He sat down next to him and put an arm around his friend's shoulders.
"Was it just the one time?" Tai shook his head. "Are the cuts… deep?"
"Not really. I don't need stitches or anything, if that's what you're getting at."
Do you ever feel so deep
that you speak your mind
to put others straight to sleepYou wonder if anybody cares
Sometimes I think I'm the only one
whose day turned out unlike it had begun
"Do you care about me, Matt?" Tai asked suddenly.
"What?"
"Do you care about me?"
"Of course I do! You're my best friend, Tai! You know that! Why would you ever doubt that?"
"I just feel like no one cares about what happens to me. Like I'm not worth anyone's time."
"Tai, listen to me." Matt said. He gently turned his friend's head, so he could look into his eyes. "I care about what happens to you. You will always be worth my time."
"But-"
"Just listen to me!" Matt glanced down at his arms. He was wearing a sleeveless turtleneck, and the pale white scars on his arms and wrists were obvious. "I can't say that I know how you feel. But I can say that I know how I felt. And just that simple, partial understanding hurts for me. Because I would never have wanted you to go through this, Tai. And you have to believe that I care about what happens to you, so please don't get mad at me, because I want you to do something… And you're not going to like it."
Tai was silent. He had a feeling he knew what Matt was about to say.
"Tell your parents." Tai pulled away from him and stood up. He walked over to the balcony, and put a hand to the cold glass of the sliding doors. "Please, Tai…"
"I can't… Matt, It's Christmas. I can't hurt them like that. What would they think? What would Kari think?"
"I think they would be glad that you didn't let it get out of hand."
"Maybe…"
"Look, you obviously want someone to help you. If you didn't, you wouldn't have come all this way to tell me! So, let me help you. Let your parents help you!"
"I can't do that to them…" He turned to Matt, pleading with him with his eyes. "Please don't make me."
"We have to do something! I don't want this to go any further, Tai! Don't you remember everything that you went through with me? What I put everyone through? What I put myself through? I don't want you to go through that! I don't want you to end up in the hospital for seven months because you're too stubborn to ask for help, like me!"
Tai just looked at him. He opened his mouth to reply, but promptly closed it again. He knew that Matt was right.
"I'm going to call your parents."
"What?!" His eyes widened in shock as Matt picked up the phone. "No! Please don't call them!"
"What else am I supposed to do? I can't let you keep doing this. I can't watch you hurt yourself."
You ever go downstairs to start your day
but your car's not thereYeah you know the joke's on you
"At least give me until after Christmas. I don't want to ruin the holidays…"
"Tai…"
"Please?"
"Let me call Kari. She can distract you, be there for you. And she can help you when you tell your parents…" Tai looked uncertain, but nodded reluctantly. Matt dialed his friend's house. It was answered on the second ring.
"Hello?" Matt recognized the voice as that of Mrs. Yagami.
"Hello, Mrs Yagami. It's Matt."
"Tai's not home right now."
"I know. He's actually over here. I was wondering if I could speak to Kari."
"Just a moment." There was a soft thud as she put the phone down and went to find her daughter. A few moments later, the phone was picked up again.
"Matt?" Came Kari's voice.
"Yeah. Kari, your brother's over here, and... can you come by?"
"I suppose. Isn't a bit late, though?"
"Trust me, it's important."
"Okay. Give me a half hour. I'll see you soon." Kari hung up the phone, and Matt replaced the phone. He turned back to Tai.
"She'll be here in half an hour." He picked up the TV remote and turned on the TV. He flipped to a late night talk show, on which the host was interviewing a pretty young actress, and then stood up. "Do you want anything?"
"No." Tai sat down and tried to appear as if David Letterman's interview with Jennifer Love Hewitt was the most interesting thing he'd ever seen. Matt shook his head and walked into the kitchen.
He took a moment to consider everything his best friend had just told him. It shocked him to think that Tai was going through what he himself had dealt with just last year. He still wore the scars, both physical and emotional, that his bout with depression had left him with. He had long since overcome his need to cut, and very rarely felt as miserable as had been, but the scars were there to remind him of the way things had been. He couldn't stand the thought of anyone else experiencing what he had.
You ever try your luck with a pickup line
But you just sucked
You tell yourself it wasn't you
And I know it's hard to hold it inside
It's days like these I run and hide
When she arrived, Kari noticed immediately that her brother was upset about something. Realizing that he was in no shape to talk, she turned to Matt questioningly.
"He's been cutting himself." He said simply. "A few weeks now. He doesn't want to tell your parents until after Christmas, but I figured you should know, so that you can be there for him through the holidays."
"Oh, God…" Kari wrapped her arms around Tai, and he cried into her shoulder. Matt sat back in his chair, unsure of what to say next. "What do we do?" Kari asked.
"I don't know…" Matt sighed. "There's really nothing we can do until he's ready to tell your parents.
There were a few minutes of uncomfortable silence in the room. Kari stared out the glass doors at the light snow.
"Can we talk in private for a minute?" She asked finally.
"Sure." Matt stood up and led her to the kitchen.
"Can't we do anything? Anything at all?" Kari asked.
"I don't think so, Kari. It's not like we can take him to the hospital or anything."
"Yeah, they'd want to cal Mom and Dad… But what if there's something really wrong? Like… Like with you… What if we agree to let him wait until after Christmas, and he tries…" She trailed off, not wanting to say what they were both thinking. What if he tries kill himself.
"If he does, there's nothing we can do to stop him. That's why I wanted you to know, so that you can watch him… make sure he doesn't try anything stupid. I don't want to wake up at three in the morning on Christmas Eve to go visit my best friend in the hospital!" Matt opened the fridge and pulled out two cans of soda and tossed one to her. "I've had enough of that psych ward to last me a lifetime."
"I guess so…"
"Look, I wouldn't be surprised if he's suffering from depression or something. If that's the case, he's going to need help. Professional help. Before things get worse."
"I know."
"And if he needs some sort of treatment, he's going to hate it. And probably us, for making him get help."
"So we might as well let him love us for a few more days…"
"Do you really think that there's something… wrong? I mean, I know he's been a bit moody lately, but I just thought it was because he's been fighting with dad a lot!"
"Maybe he's fighting with your father more because he feels depressed… The point is, we don't know what's going to happen yet… And we need to be there for him, no matter what."
"I know that… I'm just really scared about all this… I didn't understand it when you were dealing with it, and I don't understand it now! How am I supposed to help him, if what he's doing scares me?"
It's all a state of mind
but I don't mind trying to find a way
to keep my head above the mess I make
what the world creates
"It will be difficult, Kari, but he's still the same person, you know? It's not like anything's changed."
"It feels like it. When you were in the hospital, I felt the same way. I felt like I couldn't even talk to you anymore, like everything was different! I don't want to feel like that about my own brother!" Kari looked out into the living room. Tai was slumped down on the couch, watching the television without really watching it. "Maybe I'll go back out there and talk to him…"
"You should. He needs you right now."
Kari left the kitchen and sat down beside Tai, taking his hand in hers. Matt sat down at the kitchen table, and laid his arms out in front of him. He traced each scar with his eyes, unsure of what he was supposed to do. He glanced around the kitchen, his eyes settling on the phone hanging on the wall.
"I shouldn't call them…" He told himself, yet he found himself getting up and walking to the phone. Picking it up. Dialling a familiar number. Taking a deep breath as he waited for someone to answer.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Mrs. Yagami. I'm sorry to bother you again, but there's something you need to know…"
sometimes it feels so good to let it all fall
as the world fall
I may fall
we all may fall
and then the world comes tumbling
down down down down down
When Matt returned to the living room almost twenty minutes later, he felt awful. He knew that he had done the right thing, but he couldn't help feeling bad about it. Tai was going to hate him…
"Matt? Tai and I are going to head home now, okay?" Kari words filled Matt with relief. He didn't think he could have faced Tai for too much longer.
"Yeah, okay." He followed them to the door. They both slipped their shoes on, and Tai opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. "Good luck."
"With what?" Tai asked.
"…Never mind… I'll call tomorrow to see how you're doing, okay?"
"Sure… Bye." Tai began to walk down the hall towards the elevators. Kari lingered in the doorway for a moment. "Aren't you going with him?"
"Did you call my parents?" Kari asked.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I had to. I don't want this to go on even one second longer. I can't let it. I know that this is going to hurt him, but it's better than having him end up in the hospital… or, even worse, dead. Especially at Christmas." Kari nodded at his last comment.
"I understand." She turned to go.
"Good luck with your parents, Kari. I have a feeling you're going to need it… Your mother did not sound to pleased on the phone."
"Thanks. Merry Christmas, Matt."
"Merry Christmas."
Kari turned to go, and Matt stepped back inside the apartment and shut the door. He wandered into the living room, wondering how much longer it would be until his father got home. He walked over to the balcony and slid the glass the doors open. He stepped out onto the balcony.
And I feel bare naked
And I just can't take it
I'm getting jaded
No I just can't fake it anymore
'Cuz I'm bare naked
And I know life's what you make it
Wish I could float away
to some other day
Looking over the railing, he could see Tai and Kari on the sidewalk below. The snow was falling harder now, and the air was cold.
"I'm sorry, Tai." He whispered.
As if they'd heard him, Tai and Kari looked up at him from the sidewalk. He gave a small wave, and then turned and went back inside.
"Merry Christmas."
Well, there you have it! My Christmas gift to everyone! Yeah, so it wasn't exactly Christmas-oriented, but… I hope you enjoyed it.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's!
-~Croft~-