If I Could


By PepsiAngel

Disclaimer: The characters and their world belong to J. K. Rowling.

Dedication: To Lindsay (BlackOpal on Ff.net) because she needs to realize the brilliance that is g/h. Have a merry Christmas, darling.

If you'd let me, I'd love you endlessly. If I could, I'd give you the world. But instead, I'm stuck here, pretending to care about everything when I could not care less about anything.

If you are not by my side, experiencing every emotion with me then what is the point in feeling at all? I ask myself rhetorical questions, one after the other as if that changes anything. But it doesn't, of course. I'm still lying sleepless night after night, ten years after graduation, while you are half way across the country, enjoying your new life… with her.

You can't imagine what it felt like when I heard you two were tying the knot. I don't even know myself, all these emotions attacked me at once and I collapsed on the spot. It had been years since I had even thought about you and certainly just as long since I had heard any news of you. So imagine my surprise when I learned you were to be married.

You sent me an invitation. That had to be the worst part. Why would I want to see you marry another girl? Did you even stop to consider the pain that might cause me? But of course you didn't. You never really considered my feelings, even when we dated. It was so brief, it had no importance at all to you.

Oh, but it meant the world to me. I don't know if you ever loved me at all, as more than a little sister. Sometimes I feel you were only humoring me, because I had adored you for so long. Over the years, that idolization and like turned quickly to love. Yes, I did love you regardless of the obviously platonic feelings you had for me.

I should be over you. I should be happy that you met someone you cared about enough to marry. But I'm not going to play the gracious loser this time. You aren't ever going to be mine, that was clear the moment I received the elegant announcement of your matrimony.

It took every ounce of self control not to rip it into tiny pieces and burn them in the fireplace. That would have made it so much easier to pretend you were coming to rescue me from my loveless life. Now I have nothing left to do but cry and wish I could have told you precisely how much my soul weeps for you every hour of the day.

Preferably before you were wed. But unless I can get my hands on a time turner, that simply will not happen. I am trying to accept my fate, however it is terribly hard. One cannot easily get used to the idea that they will die alone and unloved, or married to someone they don't care for as a husband. I refuse to surrender to the first, so I try and swallow my feelings and my sorrow. I attempt to move on, I have even been dating some one. I don't know why I even bother, though. Every moment spent with him is a moment I would give anything to spend with you.

My fingers touch the picture of you I keep next to my bed, gently as if I'm afraid I'll be caught. Your picture is beaming up at me, the smile I usually longed to see cuts into my heart like a knife. That grin wasn't intended for me, it was she who made you smile now.

I close my eyes slowly and envision us as a couple. We'd be married by now, settled down in a modest house in the country. Several small children, for we will have already started what promises to be a large family, and the dog play in the grassy back yard. The only thing that separates our vast yard from the green hills that lie behind our cottage as far as we can see, is a white picket fence.

There are flowers everywhere. Daisies dot the knoll and tulips sprout in the front lawn. I care for the house and the children while you work at the Ministry. It's a beautiful fantasy, but I know it is simply a dream now. I set the photograph I hold so dear unto my end table and climb into my bed.

As I curl up under the warm, inviting covers I picture the life we could have had and smile to myself. I may never accept the fact that I lost my chance with you long ago, but at least I can tolerate it. I'll just keep what I do have, my memories and dreams of you, and try to learn to love once more.

FIN