A/N: Merry Christmas! It is Christmas Eve, after all, and I'm feeling kind of in the spirit...well, okay, not really, right now I'm just feeling kind of tired, because I just spent three hours writing this, but oh well. Anyway! This is an L/J songfic. Kind of angsty, kind of romantic, kind of funny...a little of everything, I think. Anyway, I would just like to note right here that this story has absolutely NO connection with "Eyes as Green as a Fresh Pickled Toad...", it is simply a short piece of extreme fluff, inspired by and including lyrics from the song "My Only Wish This Year", performed by Britney Spears. I've switched around some of the lyrics at the beginning so they fit the story better, but for the most part the lyrics follow the flow of the song. Please don't yell at me for posting this instead of updating "Eyes..."!!!! (It is almost Christmas, after all.)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the HP characters and I definitely do not own the song "My Only Wish This Year", everything in here belongs to someone else, so nobody sue me.
Dedication: To Toytle (aka turtle), who is obsessed with songfics, gave me the compliment of writing "*is on edge of seat*" when I explained the songfic to her on IM, and who tried very hard to help me come up with a title for this thing. I have no idea whether this title was her idea or not, but it's all being dedicated to her anyway.
All Mine
a songfic by Sierra Charm
Dec.23
"~Last night I took a walk in the snow~"
Lily looked around the Gryffindor Common Room, gazing around the fire lit tower from her usual perch on the squishy red armchair nearest the fireplace. A thick, heavy textbook sat in her lap, forgotten, as she stared jealously over at Arabella Figg and Mundungus Fletcher, who were huddled in a corner together, making up answers to their Divination homework, and occasionally giving each other a peck on the cheek. Arabella looked up and saw Lily gazing at her from across the room. She smiled and gave a small wave. Lily blushed and waved back, burying her nose back into "The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 6".
As interesting as the Thunderclap Charm was, however, Lily couldn't concentrate. Her gaze kept slipping back to the common room-to Mundungus and Arabella in the corner, to Remus Lupin quietly writing a letter to his girlfriend Mindy, who was currently on holiday in Australia, to two Fifth Years snuggling on the couch, beaming like idiots newly in love, to two Seventh years over by the staircase leading to the Sixth Year Girl's dormitory, desperately trying to fix the mess James Potter and Sirius Black had made of the Christmas tree. The couple had been together so long that they touched each other almost without thinking about it, reaching for each other almost absently if they realized some part of their bodies wasn't touching.
Then Carrie Hannel entered the common room, holding a single red rose, and that was it. Lily closed her book abruptly and dropped it on the floor next to her chair. She couldn't take it anymore. She needed to go somewhere-somewhere where she could be alone, really alone, where there wouldn't be a bunch of silly couples around to remind her just how lonely she was.
She stomped out of the common room, not knowing or caring how many pairs of eyes were following her. At the portrait hole, she nearly ran into James and Sirius, who were carrying armfuls of cookies and sweets, which they had probably stolen from the kitchens-Lily had never been to the kitchens herself.
"Lily!" James said happily. "I need to-"
"Not now, James," Lily snapped, and brushed past him. She heard the portrait of the Fat Lady swing shut behind her, and gave a sigh of relief once she had safely gotten herself away from the corridor. Her feet carried her down the stairs, past the entrance to the Great Hall, and out the front doors onto the Hogwarts grounds.
It was cold and windy outside, and snowing in flurries, and Lily had come without her cloak but suddenly didn't care. She pulled out her wand and murmured "ardor" and felt her body flushed with warmth. She trudged through the snow with her head down, kicking the fluffy white stuff aside rather than stepping on top of it. It smelled of snow everywhere, and Lily drank the scent in with large gulps of air. It was cold and fresh and pure and, in Lily's opinion, the best smell in the world.
She could hear nothing but the wind and her own breathing and...a very girly shriek. Lily looked up and around, and spotted a boy and a girl about a hundred yards away, throwing snowballs at each other. The girl had just been pummeled with one, on her arm, and was laughing and giggling as she threw several snowballs back. Lily recognized them. They were both Slytherins, whom Lily had Potions class with.
"~Couples holding hands, places to go
Seems like everyone but me is in love~"
"This is ridiculous!" Lily cried, picking up a handful of snow and packing it tightly together. "Even the Slytherins are in love at this school!" She threw the snowball as far and as high as she could. She followed its path with her eyes, but could not see where it landed. She shook her head and began running.
Lily's feet led her to the Quidditch pitch, which was, thankfully, deserted. She ran up the stairs to the nearest stand and collapsed on one of the benches.
"I'm so tired of being alone," she whispered to nobody, laying down and staring up at the sky. "Why can't I find someone?"
The snow clouds did not answer.
She sat up again and got up, trudging down to the first row of benches. She sat down and rested her head and arms on the railing in front of the bench, staring at the pitch miserably. She'd watched so many Quidditch games from here, screamed so many times for Gryffindor, yelled so many obscenities at the Slytherins...
And she'd done it all completely, totally, and inescapably alone. Well, sure, she'd sit next to Remus or Hagrid or whoever, but...it wasn't the same.
'Maybe Santa will send me a boyfriend for Christmas,' she thought bemusedly, and pictured a really cute guy jumping out of a box under the Christmas tree in the Gryffindor Common Room.
"~Santa can you hear me?
I want my baby (baby)
Someone to love me
Someone to hold me
Maybe (maybe, maybe)
He'll be all I hope in a big red bow~"
"Who's up there?" a big, booming voice yelled, snapping Lily out of her daydream. "Lily, is that you?"
Lily's eyes scanned the Quidditch Pitch quickly, and she smiled. "Hi, Hagrid!" she yelled, waving.
"What're yeh doin' up there?" he demanded. "And without a cloak, too? Yeh're gonna freeze ta death!"
"I was just taking a walk!" Lily yelled back.
"Dun' look like you were walkin' much! Come on, come to my house and warm up a bit before yeh go back up to school! I'll lend yeh a cloak, too, so's yeh don't catch a cold!"
Lily smiled again. "Okay!"
She got up and ran down the stairs of the stands to meet Hagrid. Her spell was just beginning to wear off, and she could feel the cold against her skin. She wrapped her school robes as tightly around herself as she could, and jogged the whole way to Hagrid's hut, her short, quick strides only a little faster than his.
"Hullo, Fang," Lily said as the boarhound came up to greet her. She entered the hut and plopped down next to the fire. Fang put his head in her lap, begging for attention. She stroked his head and scratched behind his ears almost absently, staring into the fire.
"What were yeh doin' out there, withou' a cloak?" Hagrid asked, hanging his own up by the door. "Did sumthin' bad 'appen?"
"Not really," Lily shrugged, turning toward him. "I just...couldn't study anymore. I needed to be alone for a while."
"Well, I wouldn' be worryin' too much abou' studyin' if I was you," Hagrid said, setting a tea kettle on the stove. "Yeh've got the finest grades in yer class, and besides, it's almos' Christmas."
Lily sighed unhappily. "I know."
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Sumthin's got ter be botherin' yeh." The tea kettle whistled then, and Hagrid poured it for them both. "Here yeh are!" he said, handing her a cup.
"Thanks," she said, but didn't drink any of it right away.
"Yeh wan' teh talk?" Hagrid asked, sitting down across from her and setting a plate of treacle fudge on the table between them. Lily ignored the fudge and stared unhappily at the tea in her cup.
"I'm just so tired of it!" she cried, setting the cup down rather violently.
"Now we're on teh sumthin'!" Hagrid said happily. "Keep talkin'!"
"I just-" Lily said, frustrated, trying to find the right words. "Did you ever feel like-like you were the only one that-that didn't-" she frowned at the floor and then looked up at him. "That couldn't-well, like-the only one who didn't-you know-have someone else that-that-"
Hagrid laughed. "Well, if yeh wan' to talk about feelin' like the on'y one, yeh've come teh the right place! I know exactly how yeh feel, Lily. An' it's hard to feel like the on'y one, but...well, yeh can' be ashamed of it, firs' of all. Jes because yeh don' have a boyfriend dun' mean yeh're not special."
"Yeah, I'm special all right-I'm the only person here who's not completely in love with someone else."
"Lily," Hagrid said, sounding harsh. "Yer the finest person I know-excepting Dumbledore, o'course-but yeh're still young, yeh know, and-well, yeh can' expect everything to happen all at once! There's pro'ly a dozen girls with boyfriends in that school who dun' have grades half as good as yers."
"But Arabella Figg-"
"Enough about 'er! Yer not listenin' teh me, Lily. Yer time will come. Yeh'll find someone, believe me. Yer as clever as they come, and jes because the boys at 'ogwarts are too dumb to realize how great you are dun' mean the whole world's gonna be blind. On'y another year at 'ogwarts, and then it's time to see how the world handles yeh!"
Lily smiled wryly. "Well, I should be getting back." She downed her tea in one sitting. "Thanks for the tea, Hagrid. And Happy Christmas."
"'appy Christmas, Lily! And 'ere-take a cloak so yeh dun' freeze to death walkin' back teh school."
"Thanks," Lily said, accepting the cloak. "Bye, Hagrid!"
"G'bye!"
He waved to her from the doorway of his hut, and then Lily turned and trudged her way back to the front doors, still wishing that she had someone special to spend Christmas with. Sometimes it was okay being single, okay being alone. But other times-other times she just wanted to scream and cry and beg God to stop torturing her, to stop showing her how happy everyone else was and deny her that same happiness. Sometimes she just wanted to sleep forever and never have to wake up to the agony of being alone again. Sometimes she wanted to grab random boys in the hallway and kiss them, just so she would know, finally, what it felt like to kiss.
What had she done wrong? What had she done to ward all the boys off? Wasn't she attractive at all? Even her older sister Petunia had a boyfriend, for heaven's sake, and she was rather plain.
Maybe it was the hair. Maybe it was her horrible, ugly, tangled, flaming-red hair. Maybe it was the books. Maybe she was too studious. Maybe everyone just thought she was a know-it-all.
But no, that couldn't be it, because she had friends. She even had guy friends. James and Sirius were always fun to hang out with-and Mundungus-and Collin-
Maybe THAT was the problem; that most of her friends WERE guys-maybe they liked her as a friend, and just didn't want to date her. Maybe she liked Quidditch too much, or intimidated them by burping to loudly, or...but no, that wasn't it either, because Arabella Figg was worse about Quidditch and belching than Lily, and she'd been going out with Mundungus for months now.
It had to be the hair. It was just too red. It was like those poisonous butterflies; their colors warned off predators. That was it-Lily's hair was warning off possible boyfriends. Maybe she should just chop it all off.
She sighed and trudged up the steps to Gryffindor Tower, arriving at the portrait of the Fat Lady before registering that she was, in fact, inside.
"Kumquat," Lily muttered to the Fat Lady, and the portrait swung open. She plodded across the floor and up the stairs to her dormitory, taking off Hagrid's borrowed cloak as she went.
"Lily!" a voice called, but she ignored it and slammed the door to the dormitory behind her. She fell onto her bed and buried herself in the covers.
A few minutes later the door opened and soft footsteps padded across the floor. "You left this down stairs," Arabella whispered, setting Lily's charms book on the table next to her bed. "James wants to talk to you," she added.
Lily grunted. "Tell him he can shove the Snitch up-"
"Okay, I'll just go tell him you're busy then," Arabella said quickly, and hurried out of the room. A moment later she came back. "Lily," she began tentatively, "are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Just peachy," Lily replied sarcastically.
Arabella sighed. "Well, if you want to talk-"
"Thanks, Arabella, but not now."
Arabella nodded. "Well...I'll see you later, then. Happy Christmas."
"Happy Christmas," Lily mumbled, and rolled over, closing her eyes. She fell asleep a few minutes later, and had an incredibly frightening dream involving Snape chasing her around with a big red bow stuck to his face, and James beating him away from her with a broomstick.
* * *
Dec. 24
Breakfast on Christmas Eve was like torture. Arabella and Mundungus did nothing but make goo-goo eyes at each other (which ruined Lily's appetite), Lily received a rather unpleasant Christmas card from Petunia (which ruined her mood), and James and Sirius set off three Dungbombs (which ruined the general atmosphere of the meal). Lily eventually gave up on trying to eat her potatoes and left, stalking off to the library to sulk.
She browsed through the history section, where she found, quite out of place, a book entitled "Lemon Drop: a biography of Albus Dumbledore". Curious, Lily carried the book to a small table in the corner of the library and began reading. She hadn't gotten halfway through the introduction, however, before she was interrupted.
"Lily!"
Lily's head snapped up, and she glared at the black-haired, brown-eyed, glasses-wearing someone in front of her.
"Did we get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?" James asked cheekily.
"Oh, stuff it," Lily snapped, returning to her book and ignoring him as he sat down next to her.
"You want to come out and have a snowball fight with us?"
"Us?" Lily echoed, looking up again and raising an eyebrow. "Do you have your imaginary friend with you, James?"
"He's not imaginary, he's just invisible!" James argued.
"Oh, that's right, I forgot. Sorry," she said, acknowledging the thin air to James's right.
"Stanley's not over there, he's over here," James corrected, pointed to his left.
"So sorry, Stanley," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, you and Stanley were saying...?"
"Oh, right! Snowball fight. We've got half the Gryffindors involved! Are you coming?" James stood and looked at her expectantly.
"You can't organize a snowball fight, stupid!" Lily protested, shutting her book and standing as well.
"Of COURSE you can!"
"You can not!"
"That's half the fun, Lily!"
"Oh, it isn't either! Half the fun is doing it spontaneously!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Oh, for the love of Pete!" cried a third voice. Lily and James turned to see Sirius leaning against a bookshelf. "Are you two done yet, or do we have to have this fight without you? You sound like an old married couple!"
"We do not!" Lily and James protested in unison.
"Children, then, but it doesn't matter! Are you coming?"
"I am," James said quickly, "but I don't know about her." They both turned to her expectantly.
"Why not?" Lily shrugged.
"Oh come on, cheer up! It's almost Christmas, Lily-bean!" Sirius cried, bounding out of the library.
Lily shook her head and followed him. "Didn't I ask you to stop calling me that?"
"Does it make a difference?" James asked under his breath.
Lily giggled. "Guess not..."
The three were met outside the front doors with a string of snowballs, inexpertly thrown. They were quickly dragged into a several hours-long snowball fight, that ranged all over the grounds, and eventually accumulated several dozen Hufflepuffs, a large group of Ravenclaws, and an impressive gathering of Slytherins. There were no sides, there were no teams; there were only snowballs.
Eventually several clumps of students strayed too close to Hagrid's snow-covered garden, and Hagrid came out to chase them off. Lily and James, who happened to be in that clump (Sirius had strayed off somewhere over by the greenhouses), went into Hagrid's hut for tea. Lily drank three cups of it before James even got to his first-he was too busy trying to achieve his life-long goal: getting Fang to roll over.
"He's never going to do it," Lily commented, shaking her head and accepting one of the rather lumpy cookies Hagrid offered her.
"Oh, yes he will," James said, sounding very determined. Lily rolled her eyes and attempted to bite into Hagrid's cookie. It was very solid. She gnawed off one of the corners and spent the next several minutes trying to chew it.
"D'you like 'em?" Hagrid asked eagerly. "I've been tryin' teh cook lots o' different stuff-yeh know, fer Christmas an' all."
"They're very...crunchy," Lily managed. "What's in them?"
"Cranberries, an' walnuts...an' some chocolate," Hagrid said, laughing at James, who was now play-fighting with Fang.
"Maybe less nuts next time," Lily suggested, frowning at James, who looked like he was getting very close to have his finger bitten off. "James!" she cried as he batted dangerously at Fang's mouth. Hagrid laughed. "It's not funny!" she sulked.
"Calm down, Lily, Fang's on'y playing."
"Oh, this from the person who'd like to have a dragon for a pet," Lily shot back. Hagrid just laughed again. It was soon a moot point, however; Fang had given up playing, and James was now giving him a nice belly rub.
"So...less nuts? Yeh think?" Hagrid asked, returning to his cookies.
"Definitely," Lily agreed, and exchanged an amused glance with James, who knew just as well as she that Hagrid's cooking was hopeless. He grinned at her for what seemed like forever, and a blush crept over Lily's cheeks. She tore her gaze away from his and looked around the cabin, smiling herself and feeling suddenly silly for looking away. Everything here was so friendly, so warm, so...not lonely. Here she felt like part of something...or perhaps she simply felt wanted. It didn't matter, either way; all she knew was that here she was...well, happy.
Fang fell asleep, and James gave up petting him. He got up and plopped down on the couch next to Lily, finally taking a sip of his tea.
"It's cold!" he complained. Lily rolled her eyes and giggled.
"Well, what'd you expect?" she asked, then giggled again.
"What?" James demanded.
"Your hair! It looks really silly!"
James rolled his eyes, looking unsurprised. "Well, what's new?" he asked dryly.
"Here, let me see," Lily said, yanking his head sideways and tugging at his hair.
"You know it's really hard to drink tea this way?" James commented, rather conversationally.
Lily rolled her eyes and ignored him, smiling. There was no way his little comments were going to get in the way of her fun. Messing with James's hair was one of Lily's favorite pastimes. James was one of the few male friends Lily had that she could be in close physical proximity with, comfortably. Well-most of the time; sometimes he was soaking wet and covered with mud, or he had been shuffling around on too much carpet and was shocking everything within reaching distance-but other than that-
Lily smiled, yanking at a random piece of hair just to annoy James. He pulled one of Lily's long, curly locks in retaliation. Lily giggled, gave up trying to fix James's hair, and ruffled it with her fingers, making it stick up at odd angles. Truth be told, it didn't look much worse than it had before.
"Are you done screwing with my hair yet?" James demanded, pulling his head out of her reach. Lily giggled.
"Yes," she said, as innocently as possible.
"So, Gryffindor's got a good chance of winnin' the Quidditch Cup this year, eh, James?"
James, who was running his hands through his hair questioningly and shooting suspicious glances at Lily (who was purposefully staring at the ceiling), blinked and looked over at Hagrid. "You kidding?" he asked, a grin spreading across his face. "No one else has even got a chance! Especially not with the way Arabella's been playing this year!" (Arabella was the Gryffindor team's Keeper.) "They won't have a point on us!"
"Good," Hagrid growled. "You go out there and you beat that Slytherin team! They've been dominating that Quidditch Cup long enough!"
"Well, I don't see why Gryffindor hasn't won in the last three years," Lily said, her eyebrows narrowing in annoyance. "Honestly, ever since James and Arabella joined the team it's been twice as good as the stupid Slytherin team-the only thing they've got is their stupid Seeker-honestly, their Chasers don't even know what the word "score" means-they haven't scored a point against Gryffindor for the past two seasons-"
"Calm down, Lily!" James said. "And besides, it's not me that makes the Gryffindor team good-"
"Oh, stop saying that!" Lily cried, stomping her foot on the ground. "It is too, and you know it! It's you and Arabella! You're one of the best Chasers this team has ever had-you score twice as many points a game as Charissa does-"
By this time, James's cheeks were very red.
"Dun' see why yer denyin' it, James," Hagrid added in. "Yeh dun' seem teh mind when that Ravenclaw girl compliments yeh after every game!"
James's cheeks got, if possible, even redder. "Oh, Katie?" he asked, his voice sounding strangled. "Well, she-"
"Oh, she's a twit!" Lily complained, her own cheeks growing rather pink. "She doesn't know anything about Quidditch, she just thinks he's cute." Her stomach twisted rather unpleasantly at the thought of this.
James roughly resembled a cooked lobster. "No-I just-she-I-"
Hagrid burst out laughing. His booming voice filled the hut for a minute or so, and then the laughter ceased. James buried his face in his hands, and Lily shook her head, staring at the floor. "I wish you two could see what I see," Hagrid said, wiping at his eyes.
"What's that?" Lily asked curiously, but Hagrid was distracted.
"Good lord! It's nearly dinnertime! Have yeh really been here all afternoon? Yeh should be gettin' back up teh school."
Lily looked down at her watch and stared at the hands for a moment, dumbfounded. Five o'clock? Had she been outside all day? And...had she really gone through almost a whole day without feeling alone?
"I'm glad you noticed the time, Hagrid, because I wouldn't've!" Lily said, rising. James rose beside her, his face having returned to its normal color.
"'appy Christmas, you two. An' be careful on the ice!" Hagrid warned as the two sixth years grabbed their cloaks.
"Happy Christmas," they replied in unison, and then left together.
The grounds were very still and silent. The snowball fight appeared to have ceased, and nothing was left of it but footprints.
"Wow," Lily said, looking around. "I've never seen this place so...still. Even the Whomping Willow looks peaceful at this distance," she commented, pointing over at the tree.
James smiled. "Oh, that stupid tree? That thing's never still." Then he gave an odd sort of snort and hid his face behind his hand. Lily raised an eyebrow and gave James an odd look.
"I'm not going to ask," she said, shaking her head.
"Ask about what?" James asked, trying to sound innocent.
"Never mind," Lily replied, rolling her eyes.
"Suit yourself!" James said, shrugging, still smiling mischievously. They walked in silence for a few minutes, and Lily let her mind drift off. Her thoughts landed again on finding a guy. What part of her was keeping her from finding someone?
"Lily?" James asked. Lily looked up at him, a distant look in her eyes. "Are you okay? You've been...sad, or...something, lately."
Lily shrugged. "I'm fine," she said, in a small voice, lowering her head and staring at the snow.
James drew in a great breath. "Lily, I've been meaning to talk to you."
"About what?" Lily asked, hoping he would take her mind off her relationship problem.
"Well...just like I said, you seem sad. And...you've been off by yourself a lot lately, and I wondered if-if it's because-well, because you don't-"
"Have a boyfriend?" Lily finished for him. "I'm surprised you noticed," she said bitterly, feeling the backs of her eyes begin to burn. "No one else has."
"Well, I'm alone too, in case you haven't noticed," James said defensively. "Honestly, Lily, you act like you're the only one who's lonely, and like everyone ignores you, but you just keep running off to be by yourself!"
"Oh yeah, and SO many people have chased me!" Lily shot back, fighting back her tears.
"Arabella chased you last night! I told her I wanted to talk to you! And today-I found you in the library, didn't I? There are people there for you, Lily, you just don't want to see them. I'd almost think you like feeling sorry for yourself!"
Lily halted and opened her mouth indignantly, her cheeks turning red. "Well, I-I-you are just-"
"I'm just what, Lily?" James demanded. "I'm just right? Because I am, aren't I? I mean, isn't it easier to sit and feel sorry for yourself than it is to go out and do something about it? You're just scared! If you really wanted to be with someone, you could."
"Who, James?" Lily cried. "Who in this school wants to be with me?"
"Maybe it isn't about who wants you! Maybe you have to want them! Maybe YOU have to do some of the work! I mean-maybe they're scared too!"
"Why do I have to do all of the work?"
"You're the one who wants it, aren't you? You can't just expect some guy to show up under the Christmas tree with a bloody bow on his head, waiting for you, or something ridiculous like that!"
"Oh, can't I?" Lily spat, feeling angry and confused. Who was James to say this to her, and how had he known...? "You know what, I don't want to know," she said, shaking her head. James glared at her, shaking his head.
"What are you TALKING about?"
"It's not important! Just-ooh, just leave me alone!" Lily cried, stomping past him and continuing toward the school by herself.
"That's just what I mean!" James yelled after her as she reached the steps. "You're pushing everyone away! You're being, stupid, Lily!"
"Oh, what do you know about it?" Lily demanded, whirling around. "You-you-Quidditch player!"
She turned and ran up the steps, disappearing into the school.
* * *
"What does he know?" Lily sniffed, wiping her tears away hastily. The curtains of her four-poster were closed tightly around her. "He's just a stupid boy-he doesn't CARE if he ever falls in love or not-"
She stared at the piece of purple stationery in front of her. He couldn't squish her dreams with his stupid logical reasoning. She could have a guy under the Christmas tree with a red bow on his head if she wanted, damn it! Feeling half-silly, half-hopeful, she picked up her quill and began writing.
"~I signed my letter that I sealed with a kiss
I sent it off
It just said this
I know exactly what I want this year
Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year, and all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is here
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here
Santa that's my only wish this year~"
"There," Lily said a few minutes later, wiping away the last of her tears and smiling at the silly letter she'd written. "My Christmas wish." She looked at it sadly for a moment, then folded it in thirds and kissed it softly, placing the letter under her pillow.
Maybe James was right, just a little. Maybe she did push people away. But was it because she enjoyed being alone, or because people thought that was what she really wanted?
She didn't have time to ponder this, however; Arabella and several other sixth-year girls came crashing into the dormitory, and dragged Lily into several rather eventful games of Exploding Snap.
* * *
The girls didn't get into bed until eleven or so, but even then, as tired as Lily was, she couldn't sleep. Her stomach grumbled angrily, and only then did Lily realize that she hadn't had dinner. Oh, well. There wasn't much she could do about it now. She sighed and stared up at the velvety red curtains around her four-poster, and felt a familiar, warm bubble of anticipation grow in her stomach.
It was Christmas Eve!
She hadn't thought much about it all day, but now that she had time to sit and think, the significance of the date was sinking in. It was eleven-fifteen on the night of Christmas Eve, and in less than an hour, it would be Christmas. In less than eight hours, Lily would be downstairs in the Common Room, opening presents with her friends. A small squeal erupted from her throat and she smiled up at the ceiling, her whole body tingling with anticipation.
"~Christmas Eve I just can't sleep
Would I be wrong for taking a peek?
Cause I heard that you're coming to town
Santa can you hear me?
Really hope that you're on your way
With something special for me in your sleigh
Ohh please make my wish come true~"
She loved Christmas Day more than any other day in the entire year! There was some kind of unseen magic that hovered in the air...magic that you couldn't find a spell for, couldn't bottle in the Potions dungeon, couldn't deflect in a duel. In the end, even Ebenezer Scrooge couldn't stave off the magic of Christmas. And it was only a few short hours away. It would be time for presents, friends, feasts, games, laughter, mistletoe...
And, Lily thought sadly, no one to stand under it with.
Well, so what? So what if there was one bad thing about Christmas? She'd lasted without a boyfriend for the past fifteen Christmases; she could do it again!
But still...a boyfriend would have been nice...
"~Santa can you hear me?
I want my baby (baby)
I want someone to love me, someone to hold me
Maybe (maybe maybe) we'll be all alone under the mistletoe~"
* * *
Dec. 25
Lily couldn't sleep the entire night. At three o'clock she forefeited sleep and started reading a book by wandlight. At four o'clock she gave up reading and got out of bed, pacing around the girl's dormitory impatiently. At four-thirty she went to the window and stared at the stars, picking out as many constellations as she could and staring at the moon in hopes that she might see Santa cross it, on his way back to the North Pole. (This was just for fun, of course; she didn't really expect to see Santa-although in the magical world, she mused, you never knew.)
"~Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is here
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here
Santa, that's my only wish this year
I hope my letter reaches you in time
Bring me a love I can call all mine
Cause I have been so good this year"
At five-fifteen she realized, with a start, that she'd forgotten to put her friend's presents under the Christmas tree in the Common Room. She rummaged under her bed for the large Honeydukes bag she'd stuck all their presents in and bounded out of the dormitories (as quietly as possible, of course), glad she finally had something to do.
She went down the stairs more slowly, staring at the floor and not wanting to see the Christmas tree until she was at the exact perfect angle for it. She stopped in exactly the right spot and looked down at the Christmas tree, smiling. It was absolutely perfect and positively beautiful-impossible to describe. It was just a tree with lights charmed onto it, hung with cheap plastic figurines and small glass balls, and several rather abused-looking red and gold garlands, but...it was magical. And...it was moving.
"~can't be long under the mistletoe~"
Lily stared down, eyes wide, as someone emerged from behind the Christmas tree, with a funny lump on their head. It was James, Lily saw, as he stepped into the firelight, and he had a...
"~he's all I want in a big red bow~"
...large red bow on his head. Lily gasped and stared down at him, fighting back the conflicting urges to giggle and fall down the stairs in shock. He was apparently struggling to get the bow off of his head-it appeared to be tangled up in his hair. A strangled noise escaped Lily's throat, and James looked up, a "deer-in-headlights" expression on his face. Lily blinked, and then ran down the remainder of the stairs, dropping her Honeydukes bag as she went. It rolled and landed at the bottom of the staircase, where it remained for the next few minutes, forgotten. James didn't move, except for his eyes, which followed Lily as she walked toward him, a look of utter disbelief on her face.
"~Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year~"
A shiny gift tag glinted just above James's left eyebrow, and Lily reached out to open it, hands trembling.
"~and all I want is one thing
tell me my true love is here~"
Her fingers fumbled several times before they managed to open it, and James followed her gaze as it read the words on the card, looking horrified.
"~he's all I want, just for me
underneath my Christmas tree~"
To: Lily
From: Santa
"~I'll be waiting here
Santa, that's my only wish this year~"
"Eep!" Lily cried, letting the card fall against James's forehead and backing away, her hands clamped over her mouth. James blinked and looked at her, his cheeks turning very red.
"I was putting my presents under the tree," he managed finally. Lily nodded, eyes wide, looking rather horrified. "The bow-it-got caught," he added lamely. Lily squeaked again. "The tag-was-sort of a joke," he explained, sounding strained. "I got you a-figurine-of-that Quidditch-person-Wigtown Wanderers-I-"
"Meep," Lily said from behind her hands, and James, once again resembling a cooked lobster, rather violently extracted the bow from his hair.
"Lily, I-" James began, then cut himself off, looking rather embarrassed.
"Meep?" Lily encouraged, lowering her hands.
"I'm sorry about this afternoon," he said finally, staring at the floor. "Er, that is-yesterday afternoon-I-"
"No," Lily said, shaking her head and taking a few steps toward him. "I'm sorry. You were right. I-you were right about everything you said, I have been avoiding people, and I guess I do enjoy it, but-" she choked, cutting herself off, feeling a lump rise in her throat. "I am tired of being alone," she whispered, failing to blink back several tears, which didn't roll very far down her cheeks before she wiped them away.
"~oh Santa can you hear me? Oh Santa~"
"No, don't apologize," James insisted, lifting his gaze from the floor and looking at Lily's eyes, which she raised to meet his. "I shouldn't have said all that, especially, about how you should do all the work, because-"
"No, you were right!" Lily cried. "Because I haven't been trying, and-"
"No, no, I was wrong, because it wasn't fair for me to say that, when-" he cut himself off and stared intently at the floor, another blush rising in his cheeks.
"~well he's all I want, just for me
underneath my Christmas tree~"
Lily's heart leapt into her throat, and she clutched at the sleeves of James's robes instinctively. Was he going to say what she thought he was going to say?
"When what, James?" she demanded, desperate to know if her thoughts were right, desperate to hear the answer, and desperate to know, if he said what she thought he was going to, what her reaction would be. She didn't know how she felt about him, really, but judging by the way her heart was pounding blood through her veins and the rest of her body was screaming out to kiss him, she wasn't too worried about the answer.
He slowly lifted his gaze to meet hers, and Lily's stomach turned over. Please let him say he wants me, she begged silently. Please let him say he likes me. Please, please, please, please, please!
"~oh I'll be waiting here~"
"When I'm the one," James said, sounding hoarse, "who's too afraid to ask you out."
A big, stupid grin spread across Lily's face. She wrapped her arms around James's neck and touched her forehead to his, still staring into his eyes. "Stupid Quidditch player," she teased, tugging on a piece of his hair. James smiled and wrapped his arms around her waist.
"Just as long as I'm YOUR stupid Quidditch player."
"Are you kidding? The first girl that so much as looks at you this morning is going to be Petrified before they can say 'falafel'."
"Why would they say 'falafel'?"
"Is that really important right now?" Lily demanded. "Honestly, James, talk about ruining the moment!"
"I'm not the one who brought up falafels!" James reminded her.
"Well, that's not the point, now is it?"
"I think it is!"
"Oh, it is not!" Lily cried impatiently.
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is no-" James kissed her then, and she closed her eyes, and all thoughts of falafels, points, and-hell, just all thoughts--completely left her mind.
"Thank you," Lily whispered when the kiss ended, staring into James's eyes again.
"For what?" James whispered back.
"For being my Christmas present," she whispered, giggling. "But now I have another problem."
"What?"
"Where the hell am I going to keep you?"
"Well...in the girl's dormitory is fine with me..."
"James!"
"What?"
"You know perfectly well what!"
"I do not!"
"Oh, you do too!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"~Santa that's my only wish this year~"
A/N: Woo-hoo, and that's that...I'm so proud of me, I haven't posted a new fic in FOREVER. I just haven't been writing lately, so if this sucks, I apologize, I'm kind of rusty...and I've never been good at writing songfics. So anyway, that out of the way, please review!!!!!! (I mean, you've gotten this far, haven't you?) Feel free to flame, praise, criticize, and comment! I appreciate all reviews people write, even the annoying one-word ones, like "nice", "good", "interesting", "bad", "stupid" because...well, at least you took a second to review instead of just neglecting to review altogether. So, anyway...just let me know what ya think!
Streudels!
~*Sierra Charm*~
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the HP characters and I definitely do not own the song "My Only Wish This Year", everything in here belongs to someone else, so nobody sue me.
Dedication: To Toytle (aka turtle), who is obsessed with songfics, gave me the compliment of writing "*is on edge of seat*" when I explained the songfic to her on IM, and who tried very hard to help me come up with a title for this thing. I have no idea whether this title was her idea or not, but it's all being dedicated to her anyway.
All Mine
a songfic by Sierra Charm
Dec.23
"~Last night I took a walk in the snow~"
Lily looked around the Gryffindor Common Room, gazing around the fire lit tower from her usual perch on the squishy red armchair nearest the fireplace. A thick, heavy textbook sat in her lap, forgotten, as she stared jealously over at Arabella Figg and Mundungus Fletcher, who were huddled in a corner together, making up answers to their Divination homework, and occasionally giving each other a peck on the cheek. Arabella looked up and saw Lily gazing at her from across the room. She smiled and gave a small wave. Lily blushed and waved back, burying her nose back into "The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 6".
As interesting as the Thunderclap Charm was, however, Lily couldn't concentrate. Her gaze kept slipping back to the common room-to Mundungus and Arabella in the corner, to Remus Lupin quietly writing a letter to his girlfriend Mindy, who was currently on holiday in Australia, to two Fifth Years snuggling on the couch, beaming like idiots newly in love, to two Seventh years over by the staircase leading to the Sixth Year Girl's dormitory, desperately trying to fix the mess James Potter and Sirius Black had made of the Christmas tree. The couple had been together so long that they touched each other almost without thinking about it, reaching for each other almost absently if they realized some part of their bodies wasn't touching.
Then Carrie Hannel entered the common room, holding a single red rose, and that was it. Lily closed her book abruptly and dropped it on the floor next to her chair. She couldn't take it anymore. She needed to go somewhere-somewhere where she could be alone, really alone, where there wouldn't be a bunch of silly couples around to remind her just how lonely she was.
She stomped out of the common room, not knowing or caring how many pairs of eyes were following her. At the portrait hole, she nearly ran into James and Sirius, who were carrying armfuls of cookies and sweets, which they had probably stolen from the kitchens-Lily had never been to the kitchens herself.
"Lily!" James said happily. "I need to-"
"Not now, James," Lily snapped, and brushed past him. She heard the portrait of the Fat Lady swing shut behind her, and gave a sigh of relief once she had safely gotten herself away from the corridor. Her feet carried her down the stairs, past the entrance to the Great Hall, and out the front doors onto the Hogwarts grounds.
It was cold and windy outside, and snowing in flurries, and Lily had come without her cloak but suddenly didn't care. She pulled out her wand and murmured "ardor" and felt her body flushed with warmth. She trudged through the snow with her head down, kicking the fluffy white stuff aside rather than stepping on top of it. It smelled of snow everywhere, and Lily drank the scent in with large gulps of air. It was cold and fresh and pure and, in Lily's opinion, the best smell in the world.
She could hear nothing but the wind and her own breathing and...a very girly shriek. Lily looked up and around, and spotted a boy and a girl about a hundred yards away, throwing snowballs at each other. The girl had just been pummeled with one, on her arm, and was laughing and giggling as she threw several snowballs back. Lily recognized them. They were both Slytherins, whom Lily had Potions class with.
"~Couples holding hands, places to go
Seems like everyone but me is in love~"
"This is ridiculous!" Lily cried, picking up a handful of snow and packing it tightly together. "Even the Slytherins are in love at this school!" She threw the snowball as far and as high as she could. She followed its path with her eyes, but could not see where it landed. She shook her head and began running.
Lily's feet led her to the Quidditch pitch, which was, thankfully, deserted. She ran up the stairs to the nearest stand and collapsed on one of the benches.
"I'm so tired of being alone," she whispered to nobody, laying down and staring up at the sky. "Why can't I find someone?"
The snow clouds did not answer.
She sat up again and got up, trudging down to the first row of benches. She sat down and rested her head and arms on the railing in front of the bench, staring at the pitch miserably. She'd watched so many Quidditch games from here, screamed so many times for Gryffindor, yelled so many obscenities at the Slytherins...
And she'd done it all completely, totally, and inescapably alone. Well, sure, she'd sit next to Remus or Hagrid or whoever, but...it wasn't the same.
'Maybe Santa will send me a boyfriend for Christmas,' she thought bemusedly, and pictured a really cute guy jumping out of a box under the Christmas tree in the Gryffindor Common Room.
"~Santa can you hear me?
I want my baby (baby)
Someone to love me
Someone to hold me
Maybe (maybe, maybe)
He'll be all I hope in a big red bow~"
"Who's up there?" a big, booming voice yelled, snapping Lily out of her daydream. "Lily, is that you?"
Lily's eyes scanned the Quidditch Pitch quickly, and she smiled. "Hi, Hagrid!" she yelled, waving.
"What're yeh doin' up there?" he demanded. "And without a cloak, too? Yeh're gonna freeze ta death!"
"I was just taking a walk!" Lily yelled back.
"Dun' look like you were walkin' much! Come on, come to my house and warm up a bit before yeh go back up to school! I'll lend yeh a cloak, too, so's yeh don't catch a cold!"
Lily smiled again. "Okay!"
She got up and ran down the stairs of the stands to meet Hagrid. Her spell was just beginning to wear off, and she could feel the cold against her skin. She wrapped her school robes as tightly around herself as she could, and jogged the whole way to Hagrid's hut, her short, quick strides only a little faster than his.
"Hullo, Fang," Lily said as the boarhound came up to greet her. She entered the hut and plopped down next to the fire. Fang put his head in her lap, begging for attention. She stroked his head and scratched behind his ears almost absently, staring into the fire.
"What were yeh doin' out there, withou' a cloak?" Hagrid asked, hanging his own up by the door. "Did sumthin' bad 'appen?"
"Not really," Lily shrugged, turning toward him. "I just...couldn't study anymore. I needed to be alone for a while."
"Well, I wouldn' be worryin' too much abou' studyin' if I was you," Hagrid said, setting a tea kettle on the stove. "Yeh've got the finest grades in yer class, and besides, it's almos' Christmas."
Lily sighed unhappily. "I know."
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Sumthin's got ter be botherin' yeh." The tea kettle whistled then, and Hagrid poured it for them both. "Here yeh are!" he said, handing her a cup.
"Thanks," she said, but didn't drink any of it right away.
"Yeh wan' teh talk?" Hagrid asked, sitting down across from her and setting a plate of treacle fudge on the table between them. Lily ignored the fudge and stared unhappily at the tea in her cup.
"I'm just so tired of it!" she cried, setting the cup down rather violently.
"Now we're on teh sumthin'!" Hagrid said happily. "Keep talkin'!"
"I just-" Lily said, frustrated, trying to find the right words. "Did you ever feel like-like you were the only one that-that didn't-" she frowned at the floor and then looked up at him. "That couldn't-well, like-the only one who didn't-you know-have someone else that-that-"
Hagrid laughed. "Well, if yeh wan' to talk about feelin' like the on'y one, yeh've come teh the right place! I know exactly how yeh feel, Lily. An' it's hard to feel like the on'y one, but...well, yeh can' be ashamed of it, firs' of all. Jes because yeh don' have a boyfriend dun' mean yeh're not special."
"Yeah, I'm special all right-I'm the only person here who's not completely in love with someone else."
"Lily," Hagrid said, sounding harsh. "Yer the finest person I know-excepting Dumbledore, o'course-but yeh're still young, yeh know, and-well, yeh can' expect everything to happen all at once! There's pro'ly a dozen girls with boyfriends in that school who dun' have grades half as good as yers."
"But Arabella Figg-"
"Enough about 'er! Yer not listenin' teh me, Lily. Yer time will come. Yeh'll find someone, believe me. Yer as clever as they come, and jes because the boys at 'ogwarts are too dumb to realize how great you are dun' mean the whole world's gonna be blind. On'y another year at 'ogwarts, and then it's time to see how the world handles yeh!"
Lily smiled wryly. "Well, I should be getting back." She downed her tea in one sitting. "Thanks for the tea, Hagrid. And Happy Christmas."
"'appy Christmas, Lily! And 'ere-take a cloak so yeh dun' freeze to death walkin' back teh school."
"Thanks," Lily said, accepting the cloak. "Bye, Hagrid!"
"G'bye!"
He waved to her from the doorway of his hut, and then Lily turned and trudged her way back to the front doors, still wishing that she had someone special to spend Christmas with. Sometimes it was okay being single, okay being alone. But other times-other times she just wanted to scream and cry and beg God to stop torturing her, to stop showing her how happy everyone else was and deny her that same happiness. Sometimes she just wanted to sleep forever and never have to wake up to the agony of being alone again. Sometimes she wanted to grab random boys in the hallway and kiss them, just so she would know, finally, what it felt like to kiss.
What had she done wrong? What had she done to ward all the boys off? Wasn't she attractive at all? Even her older sister Petunia had a boyfriend, for heaven's sake, and she was rather plain.
Maybe it was the hair. Maybe it was her horrible, ugly, tangled, flaming-red hair. Maybe it was the books. Maybe she was too studious. Maybe everyone just thought she was a know-it-all.
But no, that couldn't be it, because she had friends. She even had guy friends. James and Sirius were always fun to hang out with-and Mundungus-and Collin-
Maybe THAT was the problem; that most of her friends WERE guys-maybe they liked her as a friend, and just didn't want to date her. Maybe she liked Quidditch too much, or intimidated them by burping to loudly, or...but no, that wasn't it either, because Arabella Figg was worse about Quidditch and belching than Lily, and she'd been going out with Mundungus for months now.
It had to be the hair. It was just too red. It was like those poisonous butterflies; their colors warned off predators. That was it-Lily's hair was warning off possible boyfriends. Maybe she should just chop it all off.
She sighed and trudged up the steps to Gryffindor Tower, arriving at the portrait of the Fat Lady before registering that she was, in fact, inside.
"Kumquat," Lily muttered to the Fat Lady, and the portrait swung open. She plodded across the floor and up the stairs to her dormitory, taking off Hagrid's borrowed cloak as she went.
"Lily!" a voice called, but she ignored it and slammed the door to the dormitory behind her. She fell onto her bed and buried herself in the covers.
A few minutes later the door opened and soft footsteps padded across the floor. "You left this down stairs," Arabella whispered, setting Lily's charms book on the table next to her bed. "James wants to talk to you," she added.
Lily grunted. "Tell him he can shove the Snitch up-"
"Okay, I'll just go tell him you're busy then," Arabella said quickly, and hurried out of the room. A moment later she came back. "Lily," she began tentatively, "are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Just peachy," Lily replied sarcastically.
Arabella sighed. "Well, if you want to talk-"
"Thanks, Arabella, but not now."
Arabella nodded. "Well...I'll see you later, then. Happy Christmas."
"Happy Christmas," Lily mumbled, and rolled over, closing her eyes. She fell asleep a few minutes later, and had an incredibly frightening dream involving Snape chasing her around with a big red bow stuck to his face, and James beating him away from her with a broomstick.
* * *
Dec. 24
Breakfast on Christmas Eve was like torture. Arabella and Mundungus did nothing but make goo-goo eyes at each other (which ruined Lily's appetite), Lily received a rather unpleasant Christmas card from Petunia (which ruined her mood), and James and Sirius set off three Dungbombs (which ruined the general atmosphere of the meal). Lily eventually gave up on trying to eat her potatoes and left, stalking off to the library to sulk.
She browsed through the history section, where she found, quite out of place, a book entitled "Lemon Drop: a biography of Albus Dumbledore". Curious, Lily carried the book to a small table in the corner of the library and began reading. She hadn't gotten halfway through the introduction, however, before she was interrupted.
"Lily!"
Lily's head snapped up, and she glared at the black-haired, brown-eyed, glasses-wearing someone in front of her.
"Did we get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?" James asked cheekily.
"Oh, stuff it," Lily snapped, returning to her book and ignoring him as he sat down next to her.
"You want to come out and have a snowball fight with us?"
"Us?" Lily echoed, looking up again and raising an eyebrow. "Do you have your imaginary friend with you, James?"
"He's not imaginary, he's just invisible!" James argued.
"Oh, that's right, I forgot. Sorry," she said, acknowledging the thin air to James's right.
"Stanley's not over there, he's over here," James corrected, pointed to his left.
"So sorry, Stanley," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, you and Stanley were saying...?"
"Oh, right! Snowball fight. We've got half the Gryffindors involved! Are you coming?" James stood and looked at her expectantly.
"You can't organize a snowball fight, stupid!" Lily protested, shutting her book and standing as well.
"Of COURSE you can!"
"You can not!"
"That's half the fun, Lily!"
"Oh, it isn't either! Half the fun is doing it spontaneously!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Oh, for the love of Pete!" cried a third voice. Lily and James turned to see Sirius leaning against a bookshelf. "Are you two done yet, or do we have to have this fight without you? You sound like an old married couple!"
"We do not!" Lily and James protested in unison.
"Children, then, but it doesn't matter! Are you coming?"
"I am," James said quickly, "but I don't know about her." They both turned to her expectantly.
"Why not?" Lily shrugged.
"Oh come on, cheer up! It's almost Christmas, Lily-bean!" Sirius cried, bounding out of the library.
Lily shook her head and followed him. "Didn't I ask you to stop calling me that?"
"Does it make a difference?" James asked under his breath.
Lily giggled. "Guess not..."
The three were met outside the front doors with a string of snowballs, inexpertly thrown. They were quickly dragged into a several hours-long snowball fight, that ranged all over the grounds, and eventually accumulated several dozen Hufflepuffs, a large group of Ravenclaws, and an impressive gathering of Slytherins. There were no sides, there were no teams; there were only snowballs.
Eventually several clumps of students strayed too close to Hagrid's snow-covered garden, and Hagrid came out to chase them off. Lily and James, who happened to be in that clump (Sirius had strayed off somewhere over by the greenhouses), went into Hagrid's hut for tea. Lily drank three cups of it before James even got to his first-he was too busy trying to achieve his life-long goal: getting Fang to roll over.
"He's never going to do it," Lily commented, shaking her head and accepting one of the rather lumpy cookies Hagrid offered her.
"Oh, yes he will," James said, sounding very determined. Lily rolled her eyes and attempted to bite into Hagrid's cookie. It was very solid. She gnawed off one of the corners and spent the next several minutes trying to chew it.
"D'you like 'em?" Hagrid asked eagerly. "I've been tryin' teh cook lots o' different stuff-yeh know, fer Christmas an' all."
"They're very...crunchy," Lily managed. "What's in them?"
"Cranberries, an' walnuts...an' some chocolate," Hagrid said, laughing at James, who was now play-fighting with Fang.
"Maybe less nuts next time," Lily suggested, frowning at James, who looked like he was getting very close to have his finger bitten off. "James!" she cried as he batted dangerously at Fang's mouth. Hagrid laughed. "It's not funny!" she sulked.
"Calm down, Lily, Fang's on'y playing."
"Oh, this from the person who'd like to have a dragon for a pet," Lily shot back. Hagrid just laughed again. It was soon a moot point, however; Fang had given up playing, and James was now giving him a nice belly rub.
"So...less nuts? Yeh think?" Hagrid asked, returning to his cookies.
"Definitely," Lily agreed, and exchanged an amused glance with James, who knew just as well as she that Hagrid's cooking was hopeless. He grinned at her for what seemed like forever, and a blush crept over Lily's cheeks. She tore her gaze away from his and looked around the cabin, smiling herself and feeling suddenly silly for looking away. Everything here was so friendly, so warm, so...not lonely. Here she felt like part of something...or perhaps she simply felt wanted. It didn't matter, either way; all she knew was that here she was...well, happy.
Fang fell asleep, and James gave up petting him. He got up and plopped down on the couch next to Lily, finally taking a sip of his tea.
"It's cold!" he complained. Lily rolled her eyes and giggled.
"Well, what'd you expect?" she asked, then giggled again.
"What?" James demanded.
"Your hair! It looks really silly!"
James rolled his eyes, looking unsurprised. "Well, what's new?" he asked dryly.
"Here, let me see," Lily said, yanking his head sideways and tugging at his hair.
"You know it's really hard to drink tea this way?" James commented, rather conversationally.
Lily rolled her eyes and ignored him, smiling. There was no way his little comments were going to get in the way of her fun. Messing with James's hair was one of Lily's favorite pastimes. James was one of the few male friends Lily had that she could be in close physical proximity with, comfortably. Well-most of the time; sometimes he was soaking wet and covered with mud, or he had been shuffling around on too much carpet and was shocking everything within reaching distance-but other than that-
Lily smiled, yanking at a random piece of hair just to annoy James. He pulled one of Lily's long, curly locks in retaliation. Lily giggled, gave up trying to fix James's hair, and ruffled it with her fingers, making it stick up at odd angles. Truth be told, it didn't look much worse than it had before.
"Are you done screwing with my hair yet?" James demanded, pulling his head out of her reach. Lily giggled.
"Yes," she said, as innocently as possible.
"So, Gryffindor's got a good chance of winnin' the Quidditch Cup this year, eh, James?"
James, who was running his hands through his hair questioningly and shooting suspicious glances at Lily (who was purposefully staring at the ceiling), blinked and looked over at Hagrid. "You kidding?" he asked, a grin spreading across his face. "No one else has even got a chance! Especially not with the way Arabella's been playing this year!" (Arabella was the Gryffindor team's Keeper.) "They won't have a point on us!"
"Good," Hagrid growled. "You go out there and you beat that Slytherin team! They've been dominating that Quidditch Cup long enough!"
"Well, I don't see why Gryffindor hasn't won in the last three years," Lily said, her eyebrows narrowing in annoyance. "Honestly, ever since James and Arabella joined the team it's been twice as good as the stupid Slytherin team-the only thing they've got is their stupid Seeker-honestly, their Chasers don't even know what the word "score" means-they haven't scored a point against Gryffindor for the past two seasons-"
"Calm down, Lily!" James said. "And besides, it's not me that makes the Gryffindor team good-"
"Oh, stop saying that!" Lily cried, stomping her foot on the ground. "It is too, and you know it! It's you and Arabella! You're one of the best Chasers this team has ever had-you score twice as many points a game as Charissa does-"
By this time, James's cheeks were very red.
"Dun' see why yer denyin' it, James," Hagrid added in. "Yeh dun' seem teh mind when that Ravenclaw girl compliments yeh after every game!"
James's cheeks got, if possible, even redder. "Oh, Katie?" he asked, his voice sounding strangled. "Well, she-"
"Oh, she's a twit!" Lily complained, her own cheeks growing rather pink. "She doesn't know anything about Quidditch, she just thinks he's cute." Her stomach twisted rather unpleasantly at the thought of this.
James roughly resembled a cooked lobster. "No-I just-she-I-"
Hagrid burst out laughing. His booming voice filled the hut for a minute or so, and then the laughter ceased. James buried his face in his hands, and Lily shook her head, staring at the floor. "I wish you two could see what I see," Hagrid said, wiping at his eyes.
"What's that?" Lily asked curiously, but Hagrid was distracted.
"Good lord! It's nearly dinnertime! Have yeh really been here all afternoon? Yeh should be gettin' back up teh school."
Lily looked down at her watch and stared at the hands for a moment, dumbfounded. Five o'clock? Had she been outside all day? And...had she really gone through almost a whole day without feeling alone?
"I'm glad you noticed the time, Hagrid, because I wouldn't've!" Lily said, rising. James rose beside her, his face having returned to its normal color.
"'appy Christmas, you two. An' be careful on the ice!" Hagrid warned as the two sixth years grabbed their cloaks.
"Happy Christmas," they replied in unison, and then left together.
The grounds were very still and silent. The snowball fight appeared to have ceased, and nothing was left of it but footprints.
"Wow," Lily said, looking around. "I've never seen this place so...still. Even the Whomping Willow looks peaceful at this distance," she commented, pointing over at the tree.
James smiled. "Oh, that stupid tree? That thing's never still." Then he gave an odd sort of snort and hid his face behind his hand. Lily raised an eyebrow and gave James an odd look.
"I'm not going to ask," she said, shaking her head.
"Ask about what?" James asked, trying to sound innocent.
"Never mind," Lily replied, rolling her eyes.
"Suit yourself!" James said, shrugging, still smiling mischievously. They walked in silence for a few minutes, and Lily let her mind drift off. Her thoughts landed again on finding a guy. What part of her was keeping her from finding someone?
"Lily?" James asked. Lily looked up at him, a distant look in her eyes. "Are you okay? You've been...sad, or...something, lately."
Lily shrugged. "I'm fine," she said, in a small voice, lowering her head and staring at the snow.
James drew in a great breath. "Lily, I've been meaning to talk to you."
"About what?" Lily asked, hoping he would take her mind off her relationship problem.
"Well...just like I said, you seem sad. And...you've been off by yourself a lot lately, and I wondered if-if it's because-well, because you don't-"
"Have a boyfriend?" Lily finished for him. "I'm surprised you noticed," she said bitterly, feeling the backs of her eyes begin to burn. "No one else has."
"Well, I'm alone too, in case you haven't noticed," James said defensively. "Honestly, Lily, you act like you're the only one who's lonely, and like everyone ignores you, but you just keep running off to be by yourself!"
"Oh yeah, and SO many people have chased me!" Lily shot back, fighting back her tears.
"Arabella chased you last night! I told her I wanted to talk to you! And today-I found you in the library, didn't I? There are people there for you, Lily, you just don't want to see them. I'd almost think you like feeling sorry for yourself!"
Lily halted and opened her mouth indignantly, her cheeks turning red. "Well, I-I-you are just-"
"I'm just what, Lily?" James demanded. "I'm just right? Because I am, aren't I? I mean, isn't it easier to sit and feel sorry for yourself than it is to go out and do something about it? You're just scared! If you really wanted to be with someone, you could."
"Who, James?" Lily cried. "Who in this school wants to be with me?"
"Maybe it isn't about who wants you! Maybe you have to want them! Maybe YOU have to do some of the work! I mean-maybe they're scared too!"
"Why do I have to do all of the work?"
"You're the one who wants it, aren't you? You can't just expect some guy to show up under the Christmas tree with a bloody bow on his head, waiting for you, or something ridiculous like that!"
"Oh, can't I?" Lily spat, feeling angry and confused. Who was James to say this to her, and how had he known...? "You know what, I don't want to know," she said, shaking her head. James glared at her, shaking his head.
"What are you TALKING about?"
"It's not important! Just-ooh, just leave me alone!" Lily cried, stomping past him and continuing toward the school by herself.
"That's just what I mean!" James yelled after her as she reached the steps. "You're pushing everyone away! You're being, stupid, Lily!"
"Oh, what do you know about it?" Lily demanded, whirling around. "You-you-Quidditch player!"
She turned and ran up the steps, disappearing into the school.
* * *
"What does he know?" Lily sniffed, wiping her tears away hastily. The curtains of her four-poster were closed tightly around her. "He's just a stupid boy-he doesn't CARE if he ever falls in love or not-"
She stared at the piece of purple stationery in front of her. He couldn't squish her dreams with his stupid logical reasoning. She could have a guy under the Christmas tree with a red bow on his head if she wanted, damn it! Feeling half-silly, half-hopeful, she picked up her quill and began writing.
"~I signed my letter that I sealed with a kiss
I sent it off
It just said this
I know exactly what I want this year
Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year, and all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is here
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here
Santa that's my only wish this year~"
"There," Lily said a few minutes later, wiping away the last of her tears and smiling at the silly letter she'd written. "My Christmas wish." She looked at it sadly for a moment, then folded it in thirds and kissed it softly, placing the letter under her pillow.
Maybe James was right, just a little. Maybe she did push people away. But was it because she enjoyed being alone, or because people thought that was what she really wanted?
She didn't have time to ponder this, however; Arabella and several other sixth-year girls came crashing into the dormitory, and dragged Lily into several rather eventful games of Exploding Snap.
* * *
The girls didn't get into bed until eleven or so, but even then, as tired as Lily was, she couldn't sleep. Her stomach grumbled angrily, and only then did Lily realize that she hadn't had dinner. Oh, well. There wasn't much she could do about it now. She sighed and stared up at the velvety red curtains around her four-poster, and felt a familiar, warm bubble of anticipation grow in her stomach.
It was Christmas Eve!
She hadn't thought much about it all day, but now that she had time to sit and think, the significance of the date was sinking in. It was eleven-fifteen on the night of Christmas Eve, and in less than an hour, it would be Christmas. In less than eight hours, Lily would be downstairs in the Common Room, opening presents with her friends. A small squeal erupted from her throat and she smiled up at the ceiling, her whole body tingling with anticipation.
"~Christmas Eve I just can't sleep
Would I be wrong for taking a peek?
Cause I heard that you're coming to town
Santa can you hear me?
Really hope that you're on your way
With something special for me in your sleigh
Ohh please make my wish come true~"
She loved Christmas Day more than any other day in the entire year! There was some kind of unseen magic that hovered in the air...magic that you couldn't find a spell for, couldn't bottle in the Potions dungeon, couldn't deflect in a duel. In the end, even Ebenezer Scrooge couldn't stave off the magic of Christmas. And it was only a few short hours away. It would be time for presents, friends, feasts, games, laughter, mistletoe...
And, Lily thought sadly, no one to stand under it with.
Well, so what? So what if there was one bad thing about Christmas? She'd lasted without a boyfriend for the past fifteen Christmases; she could do it again!
But still...a boyfriend would have been nice...
"~Santa can you hear me?
I want my baby (baby)
I want someone to love me, someone to hold me
Maybe (maybe maybe) we'll be all alone under the mistletoe~"
* * *
Dec. 25
Lily couldn't sleep the entire night. At three o'clock she forefeited sleep and started reading a book by wandlight. At four o'clock she gave up reading and got out of bed, pacing around the girl's dormitory impatiently. At four-thirty she went to the window and stared at the stars, picking out as many constellations as she could and staring at the moon in hopes that she might see Santa cross it, on his way back to the North Pole. (This was just for fun, of course; she didn't really expect to see Santa-although in the magical world, she mused, you never knew.)
"~Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is here
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here
Santa, that's my only wish this year
I hope my letter reaches you in time
Bring me a love I can call all mine
Cause I have been so good this year"
At five-fifteen she realized, with a start, that she'd forgotten to put her friend's presents under the Christmas tree in the Common Room. She rummaged under her bed for the large Honeydukes bag she'd stuck all their presents in and bounded out of the dormitories (as quietly as possible, of course), glad she finally had something to do.
She went down the stairs more slowly, staring at the floor and not wanting to see the Christmas tree until she was at the exact perfect angle for it. She stopped in exactly the right spot and looked down at the Christmas tree, smiling. It was absolutely perfect and positively beautiful-impossible to describe. It was just a tree with lights charmed onto it, hung with cheap plastic figurines and small glass balls, and several rather abused-looking red and gold garlands, but...it was magical. And...it was moving.
"~can't be long under the mistletoe~"
Lily stared down, eyes wide, as someone emerged from behind the Christmas tree, with a funny lump on their head. It was James, Lily saw, as he stepped into the firelight, and he had a...
"~he's all I want in a big red bow~"
...large red bow on his head. Lily gasped and stared down at him, fighting back the conflicting urges to giggle and fall down the stairs in shock. He was apparently struggling to get the bow off of his head-it appeared to be tangled up in his hair. A strangled noise escaped Lily's throat, and James looked up, a "deer-in-headlights" expression on his face. Lily blinked, and then ran down the remainder of the stairs, dropping her Honeydukes bag as she went. It rolled and landed at the bottom of the staircase, where it remained for the next few minutes, forgotten. James didn't move, except for his eyes, which followed Lily as she walked toward him, a look of utter disbelief on her face.
"~Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year~"
A shiny gift tag glinted just above James's left eyebrow, and Lily reached out to open it, hands trembling.
"~and all I want is one thing
tell me my true love is here~"
Her fingers fumbled several times before they managed to open it, and James followed her gaze as it read the words on the card, looking horrified.
"~he's all I want, just for me
underneath my Christmas tree~"
To: Lily
From: Santa
"~I'll be waiting here
Santa, that's my only wish this year~"
"Eep!" Lily cried, letting the card fall against James's forehead and backing away, her hands clamped over her mouth. James blinked and looked at her, his cheeks turning very red.
"I was putting my presents under the tree," he managed finally. Lily nodded, eyes wide, looking rather horrified. "The bow-it-got caught," he added lamely. Lily squeaked again. "The tag-was-sort of a joke," he explained, sounding strained. "I got you a-figurine-of-that Quidditch-person-Wigtown Wanderers-I-"
"Meep," Lily said from behind her hands, and James, once again resembling a cooked lobster, rather violently extracted the bow from his hair.
"Lily, I-" James began, then cut himself off, looking rather embarrassed.
"Meep?" Lily encouraged, lowering her hands.
"I'm sorry about this afternoon," he said finally, staring at the floor. "Er, that is-yesterday afternoon-I-"
"No," Lily said, shaking her head and taking a few steps toward him. "I'm sorry. You were right. I-you were right about everything you said, I have been avoiding people, and I guess I do enjoy it, but-" she choked, cutting herself off, feeling a lump rise in her throat. "I am tired of being alone," she whispered, failing to blink back several tears, which didn't roll very far down her cheeks before she wiped them away.
"~oh Santa can you hear me? Oh Santa~"
"No, don't apologize," James insisted, lifting his gaze from the floor and looking at Lily's eyes, which she raised to meet his. "I shouldn't have said all that, especially, about how you should do all the work, because-"
"No, you were right!" Lily cried. "Because I haven't been trying, and-"
"No, no, I was wrong, because it wasn't fair for me to say that, when-" he cut himself off and stared intently at the floor, another blush rising in his cheeks.
"~well he's all I want, just for me
underneath my Christmas tree~"
Lily's heart leapt into her throat, and she clutched at the sleeves of James's robes instinctively. Was he going to say what she thought he was going to say?
"When what, James?" she demanded, desperate to know if her thoughts were right, desperate to hear the answer, and desperate to know, if he said what she thought he was going to, what her reaction would be. She didn't know how she felt about him, really, but judging by the way her heart was pounding blood through her veins and the rest of her body was screaming out to kiss him, she wasn't too worried about the answer.
He slowly lifted his gaze to meet hers, and Lily's stomach turned over. Please let him say he wants me, she begged silently. Please let him say he likes me. Please, please, please, please, please!
"~oh I'll be waiting here~"
"When I'm the one," James said, sounding hoarse, "who's too afraid to ask you out."
A big, stupid grin spread across Lily's face. She wrapped her arms around James's neck and touched her forehead to his, still staring into his eyes. "Stupid Quidditch player," she teased, tugging on a piece of his hair. James smiled and wrapped his arms around her waist.
"Just as long as I'm YOUR stupid Quidditch player."
"Are you kidding? The first girl that so much as looks at you this morning is going to be Petrified before they can say 'falafel'."
"Why would they say 'falafel'?"
"Is that really important right now?" Lily demanded. "Honestly, James, talk about ruining the moment!"
"I'm not the one who brought up falafels!" James reminded her.
"Well, that's not the point, now is it?"
"I think it is!"
"Oh, it is not!" Lily cried impatiently.
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is no-" James kissed her then, and she closed her eyes, and all thoughts of falafels, points, and-hell, just all thoughts--completely left her mind.
"Thank you," Lily whispered when the kiss ended, staring into James's eyes again.
"For what?" James whispered back.
"For being my Christmas present," she whispered, giggling. "But now I have another problem."
"What?"
"Where the hell am I going to keep you?"
"Well...in the girl's dormitory is fine with me..."
"James!"
"What?"
"You know perfectly well what!"
"I do not!"
"Oh, you do too!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"~Santa that's my only wish this year~"
A/N: Woo-hoo, and that's that...I'm so proud of me, I haven't posted a new fic in FOREVER. I just haven't been writing lately, so if this sucks, I apologize, I'm kind of rusty...and I've never been good at writing songfics. So anyway, that out of the way, please review!!!!!! (I mean, you've gotten this far, haven't you?) Feel free to flame, praise, criticize, and comment! I appreciate all reviews people write, even the annoying one-word ones, like "nice", "good", "interesting", "bad", "stupid" because...well, at least you took a second to review instead of just neglecting to review altogether. So, anyway...just let me know what ya think!
Streudels!
~*Sierra Charm*~