THIS is the best we could get?!
Kalamadea sighed as he shifted his position on Lashana's shoulders, resting his chin on his claws as he listened to the two Avatars go through a very imaginative alphabet concerning their opinion of Q. He was fairly certain that most, if not all, of the terms they were using would get him into very serious trouble if he ever repeated them, granted that didn't stop him from filing away a few descriptive words for future reference.
"Ugh..." Lashana rose a hand to brush her bangs out of her eyes and prayed for a cool breeze. Or a blizzard. Something. Anything. They had been walking for almost two hours, and she was certain that she was going to drop dead before she even got near the forest. "Okay, what are we at?"
Telca grimaced and swiped sweat off her brow, grimacing at the oppressive heat. "'S' I think."
"Easy. He's a shithead."
"And a tightass."
"Let's not forget ugger."
"What the hell is an 'ugger'?"
"It's a slur. Usually to people who are ugly and hairy. Like Laverne."
"Ah. Okay. Then he's also a V.U.P. Very unimportant person."
"Hai." Lashana chuckled, then yelped when she slipped, twisting to dig her fingers into the sand to stop her fall before she slid down the side of the dune they were walking on. Once she was back onto whatever passed as stable ground, she brushed her hands onto her jeans to rid them of sand, then hurriedly ran after Telca. "So, W... um... Wanker? Oh wait! Whore!"
Telca smirked. "Oh sure. Leave me the hard one. What the hell can we use for 'X'?"
"Xenophobe?"
"X-Rated? Let's just skip 'X'. Lesse...... Yawper!"
"What's a 'yawper?"
"Someone who talks loudly and stupidly."
"Ah. Zit. Unimaginative, I know, but I think I'm going to pass out from heat stroke soon."
Telca glanced at the Elf warily, noting how exhausted she looked. The Gaia Avatar was betting that she probably looked the same. "You'd better not, cuz I'm not carrying you out of here. The only person I'm carrying is Mischief, and even then, she's gettin' heavy."
"Mrrn.... Fine." Lashana reached back and tied her hair up into a ponytail with the elastic she always wore around her left wrist. "Are we closer at least?"
::Yes. About halfway,:: Kalamadea murmured into her thoughts, raising his head to reassuringly nuzzle her cheek. ::Almost there. Want me to fly for a bit?::
"No. If I get used to you not being there and then have you land again I may just collapse," she sighed, wiping at her eyes wearily. "What's next?"
"Asshole."
"Mmm, bastard."
"Cunt."
"Dipshit."
Kalamadea rolled his eyes and distracted himself with looking around. Quite frankly, he thought the landscape was beyond psychotic. Especially since the few cactus' they had seen had either been neon pink or bright yellow. Whoever had created this place must have been on crack....granted if Q created this, then that would explain a lot.... His attention went back to Telca and the Elf when they trailed off, thinking of an appropriate insult to go along with the letter 'I', and he smirked as he reached out to touch both Avatar's thoughts. ::Impotent.::
Lashana chuckled under her breath. "Good one, littling!"
Talons grated against scales as he rubbed them against his chest, then admired them smugly. ::Thanks. I learned from the best.::
You are out of order!!
"Ack!" Telca grimaced as a bright flash of light nearly blinded her, then rubbed at her eyes until the spots faded, giving her a grand view of some sort of psychotic court room. Seated on a chair that seemed to be levitating three feet off the floor was Q. She remembered the first episode of Star Trek TNG where he had shown up for the first time. That courtroom getup he was wearing looked even more retarded up close. But she was way too irritated to bother making any comments about his wardrobe. "We're out of order?! Hold on a moment, bub! You're the one who yanked us from our nice little relaxing afternoon and left us in the middle of some sort of funky desert!!"
"That's no excuse for such contempt of the courts!"
"Don't you ever get tired of listening to yourself talk?" Lashana drawled, glad at least to be out of the sun. "You really must be insane if you think we're going to go along with this peacefully, especially if you expect us to do these stupid tests of yours when we're alone and low on magicks!"
Q glowered at them for a moment, then gave up when all they did was calmly glare back at them. "Then you forfeit."
"The hell we do!" Telca snarled. "You pompous bastard! The concept of playing fair just doesn't occur to you, does it?!"
::Technically it hardly ever occurs to her either,:: Kalamadea murmured into the Elf's thoughts as he sat up straighter on her right shoulder, watching this with interest. ::Can't you just open a portal and get us out of here?::
No. He's blocked almost all my magicks. My link to the Chaos is dulled and my portal magicks are completely blocked. The most I can do is fire off a Dragon Slave, but that won't work on him. Lashana grit her teeth as her mind quickly ran through various strategies. If she had been able to transform into her Avatar form, she might have had a chance to at least get them away from Q, but without that hundred-fold boost of Power, she was just a normal Elf. And without at least one of the Harem here to help them, or at least comfort them, both she and Telca were suffering both physically and emotionally. At least he didn't block the Bond...
"Playing fair? Hmpft. What an odd thing to say." Q snapped his fingers, dismissing the chair and the courtroom motif, appearing in front of the two females in his usual Federation outfit as the room changed into a copy of the Enterprise's bridge. "Well, I suppose I could let you have a few helpers.... I certainly can't expect you to be at full power since I'm blocking most of that power, now can I?"
Telca snarled.
"One day your face is going to stay that way," he scolded her, grimacing as the feline that was clinging to her shoulders hissed at him angrily. "Well, it's easy to see where the pet got it from. Fine. You want help? Pick five."
Lashana caught the scroll that was thrown at her and glanced at Telca in wary hope as she slowly unfurled it, looking at the names for a moment before deadpanning and raising her gaze to Q's. "You have got to be shittin' us. These are names of a bunch of psychopaths!"
"You all ought to work out perfectly then."
Grumbling, Telca grabbed Lashana's arm and dragged her away from Q before huddling close. "Okay, this is better than nothing, right?"
"Speak for yourself. I know what most of these Guys are like."
"Well... at the very least we can throw them into the line of fire so we can live another day, right?"
"If we survive that long..."
Telca rolled her eyes and snatched the list out of the Elf's hands, reading a few names before paling. "Maybe we were better off in the desert."
::Can't be that bad,:: Kalamadea frowned, peering at one of the names curiously. ::Who's Vocal?::
"He's a character from the Violinist of Hamlin manga. Super psychotic, uncontrollable, prone to fits of major mayhem and murder," Lashana sighed, wincing when Telca shot a look at her. "Don't ask."
"Mmhm. Well, I know who that is. You think if he came with that mask thing we'd be able to control him?" Telca asked as she tapped an overlong fingernail against Hannibal Lector's name.
"Um... I am not putting up with the freaky hissing thing. Besides, just because he's muzzled doesn't mean he won't kill us the first chance he gets."
"Point. Okay, I don't think we want any Klingons.... or a Romulan."
"Ew no."
"Okay, let's look at this at a different perspective. What magicks can't we do?"
"Portals for one."
"Right. So who on this list can do portals or teleportation?"
Lashana leaned over Telca's shoulder and scanned the names, frowning suddenly. "Q put his own name here."
"Which Q?"
"Pain-in-the-arse Q. There's a little federation insignia next to it."
"There is no way in hell we're choosing him. Who else is there?"
"Um... Joyrock. He's a Mazoku from the Slayers Movie. He can do spatial shifts. Like portals, only funkier. The downside is that he's a mass murderer."
"Well like that's surprising. We'll just put him in the 'maybe' pile. Now, we need transportation...."
~*~
All in all, it was a pitiful list. Most of the males listed were either complete basketcases or liable to rip a living being in two just for the sheer joy of it. In the end, they didn't like who they were going to end up with, but they had a plan in mind. Bartering, after all, was every shoppers forte.
"Alright. Here's the deal you git," Telca announced, folding her arms over her chest as she glared at Q. "We'll take four guys instead of five if you give us our weapons from the Palace."
"You're in no real place to bargain," he smirked. "I could just take away any and all help I was willing to offer you."
"Hey! Now look, you were going to give us five guys, it's a fair trade if we give up one of them in exchange for our weapons and a few things!" Lashana growled angrily. "It's not like we're asking for this in exchange for nothing!"
"Hmm... well, I suppose it's a fair trade... but I'll tack on an extra test for it just the same." Ignoring the loud growls of anger from the two women, he rose his hand and smirked as a bright flash of light flickered above their heads before dozens of weapons rained down on them. "You can choose two each."
Grumbling, Telca shifted through everything until she found her beloved battleaxe, quickly strapping the harness on so it was nestled against her back before diving back in. "Lashana? Throwing daggers or sword? Oh wait! Something better!"
The Elf looked up from where she was tying the belt that was attached to the scabbard of her sword around her waist and blinked at the pistol that Telca had just snatched, watching as her friend pulled weapon out or it's holster into the light, admiring it. "Desert Eagle forty-four Magnum-calibre semi-automatic pistol. Sweeet. Yo! Chuckles! How many cartridges come with this thing?"
Q frowned at the 'Chuckles' nickname, but answered anyway. "None. Like most of your weapons, it has an infinite amount of bullets."
Lashana grinned at Telca's low cackle and stooped to grab a large dagger, quickly tying it's belt around her right thigh. "There. Done. And..." she turned to look at Q. "We have one other thing to ask for, but it can wait till we have the Guys."
"Fine." He got rid of the excess weapons with a wave of his hand. "Which ones did you pick?" This ought to be good.
Once she was finished attaching the pistol's holster to her right hip, Telca grabbed the list again and unfurled it. "Despite our better judgement - and we do hate you for this - we're taking Venom, Joyrick, Skie and Inuyasha."
Q smirked at the names, at least until he heard the last one. "He wasn't on the list."
"Was too!" Lashana grinned as Telca turned the list around so Q could see it. "It was in size two font, but it's there. See? Right between Dr. Doom and The Tick."
"Ugh. Fine."
The two Avatar's turned at the four flashes of light behind them and tried not to grimace at the sight of their new 'helpers'. They were the best pick of the flock, which should tell you exactly how bad that flock had truly been. True, Inuyasha and Venom weren't too bad. The former could be easily controlled, while the latter, though psychotic, had taken an oath to protect all innocents. They could manipulate that little mindset rather easily. The real problems were going to be Skie - a huge blue dragon from the Dragonlance Chronicles - and Joyrock. The latter moreso than the first.
"Wha... Where are we?!" Venom, aka Eddie Brock, frowned, his outfit of brown boots, blue jeans an a white tee shirt morphing into his usual 'fighting' outfit, the symbiote that had long ago bonded with the human flowing over him until the human was covered in blackness. A white spider symbol blazed across his chest as the symbiote covered his face, morphing into a visage that all together had way too many teeth and looked rather disturbing.
The three hundred foot long dragon named Skie merely growled lowly and fixed Q with a rather annoyed stare, his wings spreading slightly as the talons of his right claw dug into the marble floor. He was forced to crouch down until his azure belly was pressed against the floor, the lights that seemingly came from nowhere accenting the sapphire tones of his scaled body. Glowering yellow eyes travelled from the smirking man to the two woman in front of him, fixing them with a baleful look for a moment before returning his gaze to Q. "You would dare to summon me against my will, Human?"
Telca leaned closer to Lashana. "Get the feeling this was a bad idea?"
"Uh huh." The Elf felt Kalamadea press himself against the side of her neck as she gazed over at Joyrock, fighting to keep a look of disgust from appearing on her face as she did so. He looked humanoid, which was about as far as that 'human' bit went. He had a reptilian like face that only a mother could love. Blood red eyes, a mouth full of serrated teeth and black hair that stood on end and ran in a straight line from the top of his head to the small of his back, ending in a bushy tail. Wicked talons gleamed on each of this three fingers, mirroring the talons on his toes. Imbedded in his chest were three jewels. One was blood red, the size of her fist, right in the middle of his chest. The other two were dark purple and twice the size as the red one, positioned above and to either side of the red jewel. She wasn't about to comment on how those 'orbs' looked like something else entirely.
Shivering, she turned her attention to Inuyasha, the only good thing that had come out of all this mayhem. The hanyou (half-demon) was looking around suspiciously, his right hand resting on the hilt of the worn-looking katana that was tied to his waist, the meek blade masking its true form and power. White talons dug into the hilt as amber yellow eyes darted around the entire room and it's occupants, dog-like ears peeked out of long silvery white hair, twitching this way and that in irritation. His red clothing she knew, was stronger than any armour, the fire-rats fur protecting him from most deadly attacks. She even figured that it'd save him from a Dragon Slave...
"What the hell is going on?!"
And then there was his attitude. Probably why he wears the armour, his mouth gets him into trouble....
"Now now, let's be civil. You should be honoured, you're the best of the litter, so to speak."
"Aw will you shut up already?" Telca growled, annoyed by Q's superior tone. "This is all your fault anyway!"
"True. But let's not let technicalities get in the way, shall we? Gentlemen... or whatever... these two... 'ladies' - and I do use the term loosely--"
"Why I outta..." Lashana snarled wordlessly as Telca grabbed her arms, keeping her from lunging at Q.
"--have chosen you to be a part of this little.... experiment."
"You didn't give us a choice! It was either pick them or face certain death!" Telca protested. "Besides, this is all your fault!"
"Oh, do be quiet."
Lashana yelped as a zipper literally appeared on Telca's face, closing her lips to keep her from talking. "Kisama! You leave her alone!"
"How quaint, you're standing up for her. Honestly, you mortals are so mind-boggling." Q shook his head sadly for a moment before gazing at the four males, sighing when his attention centred on the dragon. "That just won't do."
Skie roared in protest as he suddenly found himself at half his natural size, his gaze filled with hatred as he loosed a full-powered lightning breath attack on the human, jaws snapping closed in surprise when his target merely yawned and snapped his fingers, making the attack vanish. "What are you? And where is this place?"
"He's a pompous pain-in-the-arse immortal.... something," Lashana muttered sourly as she folded her arms over her chest, dimly aware that Telca was glaring at Q murderously. "Call's himself 'Q', generally talks way too much and is extremely full of himself."
"You forgot omnipotent, dashing and handsome," Q added with a smile.
Lashana grimaced. "And sickening. I forgot sickening."
Inuyasha turned his gaze to the white-haired woman and frowned. "You know him then." It wasn't a question.
"I know of him. Never actually met him until today, when he grabbed Telca and I from the Palace and plunked us down in the middle of a frakkin' desert."
"Mmmrrfn!!"
Blinking, she turned to look at the other sorceress. "Telca, I can't understand a word you're saying. Oh hell, just a moment? Kalama?"
::I am not going anywhere near her thoughts when she's got that look in her eyes,:: the dragon said in a tone that discouraged any and all attempts to change his mind.
"Didn't think so... ack!" The last was due to the fact that she was suddenly face to face with a huge dragon who was fixing her with a rather unfriendly gaze as he took a breath of her scent, then grunted in disgust.
"Elf. Is this your doing?"
"Elf?" Joyrock stepped forward and grabbed the woman's throat, tilting her head upwards to look at her. "Hmm, so that's why your emotions are so delicious. If this is your anger, your fear must be exquisite."
::Get away from her you freak!::
Lashana staggered backwards as Joyrock hastily released her, the Mazoku narrowly avoiding the ball of lightning that Kalamadea had launched at him. "Ugh. Thanks littling." She rubbed the back of her hand across her throat, trying to get rid of the feeling of Joyrock's skin against hers.
"What are you?!" Venom blurted, staring at Joyrock in mixed disgust and curiosity as the Mazoku irritated rubbed at his singed hair.
"He's Mazoku," Lashana grimaced. "Feeds off of negative emotions. Luckily, Telca and I have prior experiences with Mazoku, so we know how to handle him...." She plastered a happy smile on her face and beamed at Joyrock. "Isn't that right, Joyrock-chan?"
The Mazoku shuddered and backed away in complete and total revulsion. "Stay away from me!"
Smirking, the Elf turned back to Q. "Take that thing off of Telca and keep your word! We want three rosaries, like the one Inuyasha is wearing."
"I don't see why, but fine."
The moment the zipper faded from Telca's mouth, she took a deep breath, dimly aware that Lashana had already clamped her hands over her ears as she screamed out any and all insults she could think of, where Q could go, and what he could do when he got there.
::I think I've been scarred for life,:: Kalamadea whispered into the silence that followed, shivering as he moved closer to Lashana.
"Can a person do that with a photocopying machine?"
Lashana grimaced and looked over at Venom. "I don't think we want to know."
Still growling, Telca stalked over to a rather shaken Q, snatched the three rosaries from his hands, and stomped back to Lashana. "Let's just hurry up, throw these on the Brady bunch and go."
Very aware of Inuyasha as he frantically whispered what the rosaries were for to the other guys, they quickly wove three spells on the necklaces, copying the spell around Inuyasha's rosary perfectly until they held three would-be-collars in their hands. Smirking, they turned to look at the three males, grinned, and attacked.
Truth be told, it didn't take them that long to get the rosaries onto the males as they had originally thought. The problem was trying to stay alive after they had gotten the necklaces on.
"Telca! A little help?!" Lashana ducked an energy blast from Joyrock and leapt over Skie's thrashing tail, backflipping to put the last rosary onto the Mazoku before ducking yet another attack. "Oh hell, nevermind." Annoyed, she pointed at Joyrock and snarled. "STAY!"
WHAM!
Skie blinked at the Mazoku that had just done a facevault to the floor and slowly turned his gaze to a smirking Elf. "Oh no."
"DOWN!"
WHAM!
Telca grinned as the floor shook from the dragon's drop to the floor and shook her right index finger scoldingly at Venom. "Heel."
WHAM!!
Inuyasha sighed and shook his head as he
looked away from the cackling women to the three twitching males that were
imbedded an inch into the floor. "I tried to warn ya."
More coming soon. R&R please!