"Average is a myth."
--Me Chapter 6: Dumbledores Supposed Baby ShowerIt was a dark, cold night on the Hogwarts grounds, but at has nothing to do with anything. It didn't even mean anything to that unicorn over there being eaten by some evil creature of doom. But you never know. Maybe it doesn't want to die in the cold and dark. Maybe it wanted to die proudly in the bright warm sun. But who cares. It was being eaten, and I simply can't change night into day, nor can anyone else.
The cold dark of this night had nothing to do with the beginning in this chapter of the lives of those freaks that were at Hogwarts. It had nothing to do with the beginning since the beginning took place in the well-lit, warm headmasters office of Albus Dumbledore.
There he sat in front of the fireplace in his purple nightgown, which was not a pretty sight so see someone so wrinkly in that. He held a pink crayon in his left hand, and was scribbling-call it chicken scratching if you with, but that's not proper since he's not a chicken- on small torn strips of some kind of disgusting stationary. On the top of each strip, in a messy babyish scrawl, were the words "Batey Powder".
A smile glowed on his face, showing off the disgusting tapeworms stuck between his teeth, as he recalled what had happened just half an hour ago. Katy had come running in to his office, her hands waving frantically in the air as she yelled, "HERMIONE'S PREGANANT AND ENGAGED TO DRACO!!! Muahaha!" Then she turned around shouting, "Must tell more organisms!!! You, mouse, Hermione's pregnant and engaged to Draco!"
Dumbledores face had lit up with joy, and instantly he began planning. The horrible things he was creating were invitations, (more like popped, sticky balloon shreds with a horrible stench of marker on them), for the baby shower he was planning, the moronic freak.
* * *
It was mid-morning as Hermione walked through the halls of Hogwarts as Hermione walked to her next class. She bumped into a few people, her hormones high from the, ahem, pregnancy.
She was just a few feet from her class, when she ran into Dumbledore and Adele. They were standing close together, like two best friends about to play a prank, smiles bursting on their faces as they tried to told back their giggles. But oh, how well she knew everyone, and she knew that these two didn't intend to prank anyone; it was just an accident due to their freakishly stupid and odd heads. (A/n: No offense, Adele, just going along with the story.)
"What are you two up to?" She asked, raising a quizzical eyebrow.
"Heeheehee… nuffin," Adele replied and gave a sudden sniff. Her eyes narrowed as if her worst enemy was standing right in front of her, even though Adele really had no enemies. "I'll be back," she told them, before turning and running off at a high speed. Hermione looked over at Dumbledore.
"What are you two doing?"
"I-don't-know," he replied with a distant look, "Hmm… I think I should be in some important place of some importance." Then, the headmaster turned and walked by Hermione, fiddling with his hat, poking it every now and then. Oh no, Hermione thought as she stepped into the classroom.
She was settling down in her seat when Chrissie suddenly jumped in through the window. When all the glass shreds all fell, Hermione could see she has a horrific envelope in her mouth. Christine walked over to her and dropped the wet envelope on her lap, before jumping back out the window.
Hermione grabbed the envelope, just slightly, and threw it out the window too. Of course, it wouldn't have told her much anyway. The day droned on and on, the same as usual, until dinner.
Hermione walked her usual way into the hall, but the hall wasn't the same. There was only one table in the middle, with unimaginably ugly party things showering it. Plus, there weren't that many people: Chrissie, Ron, Harry, Monica, Adele, and of course, Dumbledore. Kat and Katy must've been smart and stayed away… or maybe Katy's still running around screaming… hmm…, she thought at the sight of all these irritable things.
"Happy Baby Powder!" Everyone shouted.
"It's 'batey'," Harry corrected, looking proud with himself.
"Oh, shut up you balloon enchilada! It's 'baby', and that's final!" Scolded Monica.
"Yes, ma'am…"
"Good." Hermione looked at each of their disturbingly proud faces, and noticed Adele still had her eyes narrowed, and that Monica and Harry here holding her back like some kind of wild Adele creature.
"What's wrong with you, Adele?"
"There's chocolate somewhere in this house! Someone has violated my precious cheese…" Chrissies eyes widened.
"Excuse me-"
"You're excused," Ron interrupted. Christine frowned.
"Excuse me,-"
"I already told you, you're excused!"
"EXCUSE Me, your cheese?!"
"Oh…"
"Yes, my cheese!" Adele exclaimed.
"Our cheese," Chrissie corrected.
"Shhh! The back part of my brain in the front of my head doesn't know that! And I like believing it!" Everyone, except Hermione, nodded or mumbled something in agreement.
"Time for the shower!" Shouted Dumbledore.
"Wha… what?" Asked Hermione, completely confused. Professor Dumbledore yanked a cord from his robes and instantly some kind of white powder fell from the ceilings. Hermione held out her hand and put some of the powder to her lips.
"… Baking soda?"
"It's the closest thing we could find to 'batey powder'." Harry informed.
"Oh… lovely."
"Time for part number 5!" Dumbledore shouted again, as he pulled another cord from somewhere. This time mall babies in bubbles of all different colors slowly floated down to the floor along with the baking powder. One of which landed in Hermiones arms.
"Where did you get these?!" She demanded.
"The hospital of course," answered Chrissie.
"You can't just steal babies for your own pleasure!"
"Yes, we can!" Everyone shouted in chorus.
"No, you can't!"
"What's going on?" Said a voice from the entrance of the hall. Hermione turned around and saw Kat standing there, with an English to Gaelic dictionary.
"I'm being given a baby shower.." Hermione replied.
"Lovely bubbles. How'd you get the babies to look so real?"
"They are real."
"Oh my…. Hermione, I thought you'd have more sense then that!"
"Well, the mother doesn't plan the baby shower, now does she?"
"I suppose not… Professor! This is completely unexpected of you! And with these students, I'd expect you to have put cheese in the bubbles!"
"Hey! How'd you know? That's part three!" Shouted Monica.
"I don't care if it's part 7! You don't just go around stealing babies!"
"We're sorry…"
"Now, go take them back!"
"Ron, take them back!" Ordered Monica. Ron looked from her to Kat, and then to the baby covered floor before running out of the hall, screaming at the top of his lungs.
"Alright, you take them back, Harry and Chris."
"Yay! We get to deliver babies!" Cheered Harry and Christine, as they took the babies out of the hall.
"Anyway, it's far too early for a baby shower. Hermiones barley some… 5 or 7 weeks pregnant." Added Kat.
"It… it is?" Asked Dumbledore.
"I'm afraid so, hun." He began to cry, as he put his face in his hands. Monica walked over to comfort him and patted his back.
"But all the planning and such!"
"Ya, some planning…" Hermione muttered. One thing had been overlooked though. As a ravage dog is let free from his cell, Adele had been too. Harry and Chris had let go of her, and she was now dashing across the hall on all fours, sniffing the air madly. A few minutes later, she came back, still on all fours, and pounced Kat.
"You have chocolate!" She screamed, her eyes lit with anger.
"Yes! I do! I'm sorry!" Kat confessed, as she took a bar chocolate from her bag, tears streaming down her cheeks to show how ashamed she was.
"You've violated me!"
"I know!"
"You've disturbed my cheese!"
"I know!"
"It's unforgivable!"
"I KNOW!"
"And your forgiven!"
"Fantastic!"
"I'm kidding!"
"Wahhh!!"
"You violated cheese! I wont forgive you until last Wednesday!"
"YAY!" Adele jumped off Kat, and started running out of the hall again still on all fours, and shouting, "Remember what you've done!"
"Hermione, dear, I'll throw you a proper baby shower when the time is right, ok?" Kat said, as she stood up and bit off a piece of chocolate.
"Hold on! Hermione! My mum's throwing you your baby shower!" Shouted Draco from the hall entrance as he ate some of the baking powder.
"Uh-oh…" Muttered Hermione, knowing her life would never be the way it use to. Not normal, Hogwarts would never be normal. But just to not be engaged to Draco Malfoy and be pregnant. But I can't change the past either, and so Hermione's life was never uneventful from there on end.
"What's that?"
"Nothing, love…"