Yoka-hanen had just arrived back to Buzz' hut. She had been in the snowy woods for a while, calming down after the shock. Yet she stood on her feet. Maybe her father was right. Maybe she had really done something wrong, so that she was so displeasing in his eyes. Three weeks of insulting, shame… Yoka would try. Try once again. Try to be a good wife. But the pain did not cease. Her cheek prickled still after the hit, bringing the tears almost bodily back. She wiped them away again and again, because in front of him, she would not cry. Whatever it was, she would not show that the neck was breaking, her inners shattering gradually.
The tent was however dark and empty when she arrived there. Fire needed to be lit, and some supper made. She set herself back against the flap to foster the igniting flames with some logs. Abruptly a whiz of wind befell, and some snow whirled in. She swung half-scared around, and was left to gawp at the erect, black figure in the doorway. The white background contrasted with the dark enmity the shadow expressed. And as she saw his expression in the firelight, a frightened yelp left her lips. Proud Crescent. She had never seen a mien that cruel, that outraged on his face. Whole his body articulated something evil.
"Yu… want food?" she offered him diffidently a plate, where she had gathered all kinds of goods. Maybe this would bring him calmer, would it? Sometimes the serving of food had made the wrinkles fade from his forehead.
"Do you know what you have done, woman?" he hissed from between his lips, jerking the plate from her hand. "As if I hadn't had trouble enough on this stupid planet, you have turned your father against me, is that it?" He tossed the whole dish over his shoulder, so that it cracked to four pieces onto the floor. The force of his voice rose, the sentences coming deep from his lungs. "I have been annoyed long enough in this place, as the victim of some kind of plot. I have tried to bear you, and your devolved people, but this is the last drop. I am not hearing any squeak out of your mouth any more. You are not going to whine to your father never again, is that correct?"
Yoka had risen up from the floor, backing as he slowly walked towards her. His devilish expression made her hackles rise up, as well as the voice tone hurt her ears. She understood partly, what he condemned. She had tried… she had tried to calm him, but obviously had made the situation even worse. Her breaths turned to panting, as the cry waited for to wail out of her throat. With efforts she swallowed her distress, but it came back as a bigger lump to hasp her inhales.
Buzz had taken a pot in his hand from a table, some item that belonged to her. Crunch, it fell onto the floor broken, accompanied by his demonic yell. "I have stood you long enough! I never wanted you under my roof, never wanted anyone pestering me from hour to hour, you hear me you gossip? You took away my pride; you have insulted me enough with your little tricks. I am not supposed to be here, I have my own world where I live, you hear me?" The next items appeared in his hands from the table, her necklaces she had put there for the night. Snap, and he broke off the laces with one jerk. The stones, fangs and other decorations fell onto the floor to escort the broken pot. Then, the whole table was keeled over, the rest of the objects on it getting crushed under its weight.
"I don't need a wife. I don't need you. You're just on my way. But I may be 'friendly' and let you stay, if you nicely stay without a pip in your corner. I don't need your services, I can do my food on my own, I can live on my own. Especially I don't need this trash filling my house!"
Horrified Yoka watched, as more of her property went to pieces. The pelt bundle that was hanging from the wall, met her regard. Somehow his furious hand found even it, ripping it off.
"No, no…" she panted in terror. Not that one. Anything but that!
"What's so important in here for you?" he impishly snorted, and unfolded the packet. She had wrapped her bridal gown in it. But it was not just any random object for her, it was the most valuable thing she ever had owned.
"Oh, oh, your little stupid wedding dress, eh? Well, we don't need this either. You can keep your mattress, and everything else goes out of this house."
"NO!" she at the last moment attempted to hinder him, but the harm was already done. Rip, rip, rip, the soft linen went to shreds. The remains were tossed over his shoulder, regardless of her panic-struck expression.
"I DON'T need a wife, is that correct? Especially not someone who's putting up schemes behind my back, so that I almost lost my head today. So go to your hole and stay there, but don't ever come to speak or insult me again." His smoldering eyes would have burned her, if a sheer regard had had such powers. With a shaking finger he pointed at her mattress, accompanied with curses. "YOU GO THERE NOW! Get away from my sight! I don't want to see you, understood?" Abruptly he turned his back on her, folding his arms over his chest. With a frown, he cynically waited. When he would turn back around, she should be gone.
Yoka watched the mess on the floor. Over half of her property had been broken or destroyed, just in a few minutes. Her big eyes had turned misty, now full of hot tears that could not be blocked, any longer. This was a nightmare, a living hell. How much of a strong and tolerating woman she had been this far, now the last breaking point was achieved. No more could she bear anything, himself nor herself. The teardrops were already falling along her neck, and she fought back not to faint. Air… it was as if it had turned to suffocating coal gas. A long, miserable moan rose up deep from her throat, as the nerves broke down.
Lightyear turned around in a nanosecond. "What are you trying to complain there? I said…" but his insult was cut away as he saw the view. Yoka was waned like a ghost, slowly falling towards the floor on her knees. The wail of misery rose and fell, like a morbid song telling about suffering, eternal blackness. She shredded her hair with her both hands, so that one bundle of it appeared in her fingers, another one getting fast loose too. Tears messing her face, Yoka looked awful.
Snap. Something clicked in Buzz' brains. This was not a show, this was not a play. She was not doing tricks, not performing. That cry, that sorrow was more than real. No one would rend him or her that way, not even in a cunning jest. An appalling coldness filled his heart. A basket of bricks was dropped on his scull. Bang, bang, bang, his heartbeats rhymed with her snivel, until he felt them turning to extrasystolis, arrythmicly rising up to his throat. What had he done? This sole question crawled up somewhere from his subconscious, together with the little voice of justice he had muffled. What had he done?
Buzz had never seen anyone shedding tears so furibund, expressing all the possible means of sorrow and anguish at the same time. Like hypnotized, he saw the happenings of the three weeks gliding in front of his eyes. How she was given to him, how he fought about the pot, how he started insulting her, yelling… everything was repeated to him as a movie, her jeremiad playing the soundtrack. What had he done? This was far, far away from some stupid conspiracy assumption he had so keenly cultivated under his cranium. The understanding was given, as his conscience woke up from its long, dank dream.
"What have you done to her?" it roared like a pack of lions, "Is that what you call goodness? Is that what you call freedom, justice, what you believe in? What has she done to you? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! And you have teased her slowly almost to insanity. Why? Because of your stupid, mindless assumptions that have no bottom or base? The Pride of Star Command…? Ha ha ha ha ha ha…" it cackled its ironic, derisive laugh. "How can you call yourself Buzz Lightyear? The defender of the weak, the cowed…? You have yourself become a dictator of minds, you paranoiac idiot… goodness, this is goodness, what? With goodness you broke her things? For what? Because she frightened tried to search for support from her father, against you! This is how you thank her for toiling like a slave because of you? The Pride of Star Command, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! If Commander Nebula would know about this, he would kick you out on this second!"
The dark room spun around in his vision. Somehow he distinguished that Yoka was dragging herself towards her mattress, but weakness took over her in the middle. Sniffing and sputtering the woman slumped down in the furthest corner of the tent, beside a large earthenware. Where could have she gone? Out there, would be only the chilly night. At this very moment she regretted her whole life, that she had occurred to born on this planet, to this community, as this person. All her existence, she had been merely just a beast of burden despite her officially high position amongst the society ladies. But in her darkened mind she raved, she stormed her suffocated repressions through the tears. Now Yoka felt most the lack of value and respect she ever had experienced. And her things, her memories were gone. Broken, shattered, lying on the floor with the dust.
And what was that man, the one that had been dropped from the sky with his strange fellows? Why, oh why had she had to be the one that was given to him as a prize? Was she completely without a human value in everyone's eyes? Was she meant to be the just the house slave of some shrewish stranger? This was what she understood in her fatigued brain cells.
And Buzz… he stood perplexed in the other side of the space, his brows crumpled, his mouth in some kind of twist. But that was not an expression of hatred, no, but uneasiness, shame and embarrassment. His chest felt like if it was filled with tons of granite stones, something gushing his heart with a steel blade. He took a small step forwards, but drew his foot abruptly back. There was no courage left in him, he was so ashamed of his evil words and deeds towards this woman. Of course nothing was her fault. Not her fault he was stuck up on this bizarre planet. And it was definitely not due to her, if the chief had endowed her to him just like their laws had ordered thousands of years. Definitely not her fault.
"Craters, craters, craters, what did you do, why did you have to be such an idiot?" Buzz cursed to himself, biting his lips broken. These were the very first syllables he hackled out of his mouth after the screeches of his conscience. He cast his befogged eyes at the girl who was weeping in the corner and ripping more her hair.
"Me not-heeng! Me-e not-heeng! Yu ha-ate me! Ha-ate…" she screamed, fumbling out some English words she had learned. But the shedding continued with her own language, waning to some unclear mumbling beyond the sobs.
Those lines chopped like an axe Buzz' heart broken. "No… Y-Yoka…" He attempted to gulp out, but got no voice out of his dry throat.
"Sinae vain kiusaat minua, minea olen pelkkaeae saastaa sinulle… yu no ge-ve me arvoa… yu onl-ee hate, me ug-lee, yu hate…" came another shriek, messed up with her own speech and the foreign talk.
Lightyear slapped his own cheeks hard with his both hands, as if this measure would bring him courage or absolution. The shrill fire-alarm voice of his conscience did not fade away; he would at least have to try to compensate his behavior somehow. Maybe the cheek-slamming did produce some results, since his voice came now clearly out, "Yoka…I… I didn't mean this, I… I'm sorry…"
"Sorr-ee yu no sorr-ee!"
The man forced himself to drag his heavy-feeling feet at the corner where the result of his bellowing was cringing. His legs did not want to follow his brains, yet they had to come along with the guilt and abashment. Yoka seemed to be very hysteric, or at least what came to her hyperventilating appearance, roars and trembling. She looked like if she had tried to push herself through the tent canvas, while cowering there.
"Look, I'm sorry… I s-should n-never h-have been like this to you… I d-didn't understand… L-look, Yoka, I don't hate you, please d-don't cry…" Buzz had now reached her, squatting down beside the raging maid. He carefully extended his shaking hand towards her, but she was way much quicklier even in such a state and slapped it away from her nearground.
"GO AWE-YY! NO COM-E HAT-EE ME!"
Another scythe-slash splitting Buzz' inners. Near it was that his eyes would be filled with water, too. He definitely did not hate her or want to hurt her. All in all, under his jealousy, he had admired her braveness, her skills to survive in the cruel nature. But at this moment he could not start pondering his emotions. There was only one possible issue to do, to try to apologize her somehow and soothe away the tears. The broken belongings he maybe could not fix, but maybe the tears, maybe the tears…
"P-please… you have to believe me, I didn't mean to upset you, I didn't mean what I said… I was an idiot, a mere idiot, I'm sorry… I'm so sorry I stupidly went on breaking your… b-breaking your things, I…" he extended his hand again towards her, regardless that she had just beaten it off.
"Go awe-yy!"
"No, I won't go away, I want you to understand that I'm sorry, that I didn't mean what I…"
"Y-yes yu mean, me not-heeng, me hate, me not-heeng…" she snuffled back.
"NO! NO! You have to believe me… you're a nice girl and I…" At this point, Buzz came nearer, sitting on the floor right in front of her. Inspite of her resisting and fighting back, he grapped her shoulders, drawing her nearer. He did not quite know what he was doing. The sole thing that was spinning around his little scull was that the girl should be calmed down.
"Go awe-yy yu want hurt me what? Siitae vaan, minua et hakkaa, osaan kyllae puolustautua sen verran!" She tried to push away roughly his massive chest with her arms, while he did his best efforts to hold her still.
Another miss for Buzz. Did she now think he wanted to hurt her physically? No, no, this was going too far. Way too far. What could the captain possibly do for any convince? That would be the last thing he would do to her –or to any woman- in this universe.
"NEVER!" He let a deep bass yelp out of his throat. "I'd never, never hurt you like that, how can you even say a thing like that?"
No clear reply this time. Purely only that tear-messed mumble he could not make a piece of asteroid about. Buzz was furthermore holding her from her shoulders, but this time Yoka-hanen had made her mind to set herself free. She instead gripped his wrists, pushed and pulled, trying to get that tight hold of his off. Tuned up with more lachrymose holloing about how much he hated her and how worthless and disgusting she was in his eyes.
If Buzz Lightyear was a robot, someone might have said he experienced a short-circuit in his brains at this very moment. He stood no more of her back-fighting, no more of that insane yelling. And not those tears that he had caused. With a quick move, he arrested Yoka's hands from her wrists, locking them behind her back with a firm clasp. His other arm he put very tight around her, so that his palm was supporting her head from the occiput. While he nearly flattened the more narrow-shouldered girl against his wide chest, he pressed his lips hard on hers, without thinking any more of his actions. There were only two understandable words whirling around his cranium, "Calm down, calm down, calm down…"
And there he went on with his kissing, no end in sight. However, the woman had gradually stopped her resisting, now just sitting stiff and perplexed in his stormy embrace, her big eyes wide open. Suddenly no sound from her side could be uttered nor produced, only the silent dilemma and confusion were present. This was the last thing she would ever have expected from his side, and in this situation neither one could perceive what was going on. Only that Buzz was completely concentrated on kissing and holding her, lowering her all the time a bit more down to let her rest fully in his enfold.
When the man ultimately decided to stop kissing her mouth and turned his lips to caress her cheeks, Yoka coughed, and inhaled rapidly in order to get some air. And Buzz… although something inside him banged him to stop, he could not quite finish what he had started. Some odd fire had abruptly blazed up in him. He did not comprehend what it was. Maybe it was the presence of the girl, the need to soothe away the rage and tears, it could have been anything mixed up with the happenings of the night. He ran his fingers trough her hair, gluing his lips again on hers.
But what Buzz did not clearly sense, was that Yoka-hanen was barely having the courage to breathe. Angst lived in her heart, sudden fear towards the man that had pinned her in his hold like this. However… because his odd 'attack' was like this, it in a way made her even more frightened.
Then came the moment when Lightyear recalled that time existed too. He had no information of how long he had kept the fighting counterpart on his knees like this. Little by little, the normal world opened up in his view again, thus making him loose his hold on her. His bewildered blue eyes encountered her grey ones, which were at least as abashed. The girl was staring at him her mouth open, her face swollen because of the crying. A few minutes went, as they just gaped at each other, neither one making a stir back or forth.
And then Buzz remembered he was still holding her wrists behind her back. Ultimately now releasing his hold, he brought her hands at his chest, beginning to chafe them a bit.
"I… I'm sorry, I…"
No response, only a gawp from her side. One last tear was trickling down her cheek. This was however wiped away with Buzz' thumb.
"Look, I'm so sorry for what I did… and said… I… I think you're n-nice and b-beautiful and you h-have beautiful nightful of hair… umm… hairful of night… umm… night-black I meant to say…" He with shaking fingers opened up her fist, looking sadly at the loose tuft in it. "N-now l-look w-what I made you d-do to y-yourself… I'm sorry I yelled you like that, I didn't mean to go this far… it's not your fault that I'm trapped here, nothing is your fault, I was so stupid I let insulting words out of my mouth… I didn't mean any of them, I'm sorry…" Buzz' sentences came out quickly and stuttering.
Her tumid stare flickered. A headache had begun beating in her temple vessels. Crying and emotional outbursts always brought the war turret to bang her head broken. Her waned face was between Buzz' palms, and he somehow through his delirium saw the collapse. He had driven her to the last breaking point, and the forced comforts would not possibly bring any more help tonight.
"W-would you like…to go to rest?" he stammered, helping her slowly up. The man conducted her to her mattress, in the corner. He pressed an earthen bowl full of cool water in her shaking hands, putting then some pelts over her shoulders.
"T-try t…to rest, j-just rest, I… I'm so sorry…" Biting his already sore lips, he attempted to find fragments of sentences. But also his vision swirled, dizziness crept from his occiput, and made the floor sway. What would help? Cool air? Outside, it was humid and chilly. That would maybe soothe even his beginning headache, would it? And… he needed, he had to get out, and now. The raving conscience he had muffled for too long, hit him with a scimitar every two seconds. Swish, gush, swish… his heart was split, made to bleed. When he stepped out through the flap, Yoka collapsed on her stomach in the bed, almost fainting asleep.
The snowfall was calmer than an hour ago. Or… how much time had it lapsed? Buzz did not know. He aimlessly walked forwards in the blackness, the snowflakes landing on his raven hair. He talked to himself aloud, all the random thoughts that came out now after the shocking, hysteric evening. Someone might have thought him fully gone insane, but actually he was ameliorating through his reflexive monologues.
"I am a man and I was given a woman. A wife. Yes… a wife. Do you understand it now, Buzz, that she's your wife? She didn't choose. Can't you understand what's the law in this place, Buzz? Can you hear yourself? The law says this, and the law says that. But you should have a law inside you, Buzz, your beliefs, your 'goodness'. You cannot call yourself the defender of goodness, if you maltreat someone like that. Why do you believe she and her father were a part of some scheme? Has the intelligence left you? What have you become? A hypocritical loon, who says other and does other? That's what you are, Buzz… evilness you have chosen, again. But, you are given a chance to change. But that means you have to change, not just promise to change. Promises are promises, but deeds are deeds. You promised your father never turn again to the dark side, didn't you? And just like Mira said, you are doing it now. You are giving up to the evilness, by being too stubborn and proud."
Lightyear noticed being in the middle of the village, on the main street. Light was glowing from the teepees, but silence reigned in the night. Obviously most of the Kalevans were sleeping, already.
"These people do have nothing against you, no part of plotting against you, Buzz Lightyear. They are just people living in their own narrow circles, not even aware of other solar systems, or civilizations in this galaxy. And your wife is one of them, an innocent woman who has done nothing wrong against you, either. But you have done everything wrong against her, Buzz Lightyear. Everything… You were given notes, weren't you? Why didn't you listen to Mira, when she noticed your wrong thoughts? She gave you advise, but you didn't listen to her. But you remember, don't you? ' I could swear that the Buzz Lightyear I know, has turned back to the dark side. It's like you wouldn't have a heart any more!' That's what she said… and she's right, I have no heart any more. A man with a heart would have taken good care of his wife, even if he at first hadn't liked her fully. And did Yoka have a choice, to like or not to like? She doesn't know me… and I don't know her. But perhaps… if I could return, find my heart again, maybe I could learn… learn to know her. But although you still don't know her, you should be gentle, caring, tender to her. Shouldn't you, Buzz?"
His heart somewhat lighter after two hours' walk, Lightyear ultimately returned to his tent. But the remains of his terrorism were awaiting on the floor, in a big, sad mess. This dropped him down from the clouds of forgiveness. At first, there was the broken food plate, then Yoka's destroyed property. Torn linen pieces sang solemnly together with the shattered seashells and crock pieces. Wrenches went along his back. He had not recalled the amount of calamity the few notorious minutes had brought along. He had both mentally and materially crushed his poor wife.
Taking some lanterns and enkindling them, he made the shadows less brutal. With a broom he swept the floor, moving so silently that he possibly could not have awakened her. The shattered objects that could not be repaired any more, were tossed out. But carefully he picked up the pearls, fangs and other things that had belonged to her necklaces and jewels. The fallen table was put back up, and at it, the disturbed man several hours clumsily re-laced all the tinsels. Completely wrong in order they were, awkwardly arranged to form some kind of re-done necklaces. But with his trembling, thick fingers, he could not have succeeded any better in this absurd task.
Late it was, as he scrambled to his own bed. At least the teepee was clean, maybe he could finally sleep. But… the horrible pictures of her crying and cringing like that in front of him, returned. Buzz' blue irises grew full of fear towards himself. He had been a monster. So much evilness lurked under his do-gooder cover? More appalling images… and then a question. "What… what is she doing? I-is she here any more?" Lightyear abruptly rose up. "Oh my goodness, what if she's not here any more? How can I ever apologize her? Oh, craters, I should have gone to console her right when I came back!" Thus he panicky bounced up to see if she was all right.
From farther off, in the breadth of the weak lantern, Buzz saw Yoka sleeping seemingly calm on her mattress. He crept to the rear corner of the teepee, his heart beating nearly in overspeed. And then it jammed in his throat, hasping his breath to some kind of poor whimper as he cast his eyes on her features. She had wrapped herself totally in the protection of the coverlets, her eyes and cheeks furthermore swollen because of the desperate crying. Moreover her bed seemed to be a lot inferior to his. This far, Buzz had not even cared to have a peep on how she lived inside this tent beside him, in her own, locked, subordinate world. Muddled Lightyear took a leer at his own wide, soft sleeping post, then comparing it with her hard-feeling berth. Gnawing his fingernails in shame, he stepped closer to Yoka, and knelt beside her.
His maltreated wife slept heavy and visionless slumber. He extended his shaking hand to brush some fallen locks away from her face, gathering them behind her ear.
"How could I have been so selfish, so arrogant…?" His conscience repeated again. Buzz leaned more down, stroking her flank a bit with his hand. "I never should have been like this to you… I have understood now that I have to, I need to, I must change", he whispered many times, but so low that the dormant-laying girl did not startle awake. Shame, guilt, pity… they drew him so far, that he carefully put his arms around her body and lifted her up. No sign of waking up.
"Isn't it so that you should sleep beside me?" he blabbered half-helpless to himself, "Isn't it so that you should feel yourself safe with me, and…" Carrying tardily her across the room, Lightyear roamed nervously in his ailing recollections. He crawled back to his own post, remarking at the same time that his mattress was at least two times thicker than hers, and at least the same measure wider.
"There you have a good place to rest…" he slipped her down, drawing her then back near him. Sharing his own felt fifty-fifty, Buzz slid his arms around Yoka, and buried her head deep in his armpit. She was warm and soft to hold, and the man felt some relief in his tormented chest. "There… it's warm to sleep here, and nicer to wake up than in your own lonely place…" Of course she did not answer through the curtains of dream, but he at least hoped, that the morning would rise more tenderly upon her now. There, holding her tight against him, he yet was still not absolved. Biting in turn his both hands' nails almost hysterically, he stayed many, many hours furthermore up. His conscious did not let him fall in the eternities of illusions. But at the weakest dawn, Buzz finally was so worn out, that the sleep came almost forcibly.
…to be continued…