One day, in Rivendell, Elrond was aroused.
"Cripes," the half-elf thought to himself, "I am aroused." He looked down at
himself, and realised that he had been thinking right. "I shall have to do
something about this!" he grinned to himself. Elrond snuck off to the
kitchen, to find the something to do.
--
Meanwhile, not far away, Pippin was sitting around in his room (also in
Rivendell). "AHM BOORED," he thought to himself, as even his thoughts were
accented. "Ahl hafte git meh somthing tae dou, bet aye daaneu ken whet."
The young halfling sighed. Merry was off somewhere looking at maps or
something (FORESHADOWING), and Sam and Frodo were "off for a walk." Pippin
lay back in bed as he tried to think of an activity he could partake in that
would alleviate his boredom.
His thoughts wandered to the elves of Rivendell, um, because they were the
individuals currently residing at Rivendell, for the most part. (I suppose
Elrond considered himself an elf, but there were all those humans and
dwarves and hobbits and whatnot that came for the council thingy and stuff,
and Aragorn hung around from time to time. Um. Anyway, I digress.) His
thoughts continued to wander, and they wandered right to the teeth of the
elves (FORESHADOWING).
Now, one thing that should be mentioned about the teeth of the elves is that
they were not yellow. Ohh, no. They were shiny, and clean. These were not
teeth from the nightmares of dental hygienists (or wet dreams, depending on
whether or not the aforementioned individuals were disturbed by rotting and
foul teeth or were capitalists glad in seeing them because it would mean
they could make a lot of money by cleaning them), ohhhh, no, no, no. These
teeth shone like pearls, except they weren't a grain of sand that an
irritated marine life form had covered in layers of nacre, and were not
round and somewhat irregular and were instead tooth shaped and even. Yes,
sirre, bob. These were fucking A-1 class teeth.
"Tehy reeahlehy heve nhaice teueth," thought the young hobbit.
These thoughts of elvish teeth began to, shall we say, turn the halfling's
crank. With his crank becoming more and more turned with every dental
related mental image floating around in his head, Pippin realised he had
something he could occupy himself with.
His hands had nearly crept into his pants when the door of the room was
flung open. "Hullo, Pip," said Merry, as he bounded in.
"Ach, yae scarrad meh ther, yae daeid." Merry blinked for a few moments as he
tried to decipher what his cousin had said. "Yae cudduv knokked, yae kennve,
och!"
"Oh, uh, sure, I will," replied Merry, fairly sure of what the hobbit now
glaring at him had muttered. Sighing, Pippin got up from the bed and headed
for the door. "Ahm gewing fer ah wahlk."
--
Pippin wandered around Rivendell for a while, until he decided to get some
food and eat. Because, you know, hobbits eat a lot and stuff.
He found the kitchen without much trouble, but it was strangely empty.
Unbeknownst to him, the elvish chefs were having an orgy with elvish farmers
that afternoon. All the tabletops were unfortunately too high for Pippin to
reach anything, so he decided to look for foodstuffs in the pantry that were
maybe stored low to the ground or something.
Carefully pushing the door to the pantry open, Pippin was surprised to hear
noises coming from inside the food storage area. "Ahh, meybe summun'll beh
yin thar soh aye ken git sum fudd er summit."
Pippin peered inside the dark pantry, and to his surprise found the lord of
Rivendell amorously engaged with some sort of food product. "Ehh, wehts hey
doewing?" wondered the halfling. Elrond turned around at the sound, as
Pippin had apparently spoken aloud without meaning to.
"Erk!" squeaked Elrond, much like a mouse, except he wasn't actually a
rodent or anything.
"Eh, hellew," said Pippin. "Um, you saw nothing," muttered the half-elf as he
tried to clean up the waybread. "Ahk," said Pippin, as he realised what was
going on, "yew donnae hafta haide iht, ahm raendier thaneh doeun ahu tadnd
ohv auhna dauudr in tae sumer mhaiself!"
Elrond blinked.
"Och, jest fock mei!" exclaimed the hobbit as he jumped into the bare elf
lord's lap. This leaping threw Elrond off balance, and ass over teakettle
they both tumbled backwards behind some shelves, or whatever it is elves use
to organise foodstuffs, and onto a lumpy form.
"What's this lumpy form beneath me?" muttered Elrond to himself, almost
completely forgetting about the halfling madly humping his leg as his
annoyance with lumpy forms took over (an automatic reaction many had
suggested he talk to someone about).
"Legolas!" exclaimed the elf lord, realising who it was, "why are you being a
lumpy form?" When no reply was forthcoming from the blonde elf, Elrond poked
the unmoving individual. "Oh dear," said Elrond, "I do believe he's dead."
"Ach, shud tha stup ahr fahn?" asked Pippin. "I suppose not," concluded
Elrond, and began molesting the hobbit.
"OCH, EHLROHND," cried Pippin, madly thrusting like a machine that is used
for thrusting. "OOHHHH, yeh haev beeutifal teehth, ACHHHHHH, EHLROND" cried
Pippin. "I know," grinned Elrond, "they my are favourite feature. Of Me."
"Och, meh tew," giggled Pippin.
Then some lembas fell on them from the shelf above.
"Occhhchh, wher cuvverd ihn bred er summat," panted Pippin between thrusts.
"Ohhhhh, I knooooooow," moaned the elf lord. "Ach, yew haev beauutiful teth,"
cried Pippin. "You already said," murmered Elrond seductivly, even though he
didn't have to be seductive because they were already fucking and whatnot.
"Achhh, theh maek meh hawt, liek wahn aye wes ferst gheeting fuzzeir ihn
paerts!" And then, still covered in elvish waybread, Pippin began to thrust
against Elrond's teeth.
"Ow," said Legolas, suddenly becoming less dead underneath them. "That
hurts." The blonde elf blinked and, after a few moments of realising what was
going on, politely returned to being deceased.
Elrond licked his lips, and Pippin came in a burst of massive proportions.
"OCH AHH DAUUNE YUAN GETTE DOUH DOUUJ DOR KELL KEN OCH!" cried the hobbit.
Becoming hard once again, almost instantly (because aside from being eating
machines, hobbits are also LOVE MACHINES) Pippin said, "Och, ets ah shaem tae
leht teh blondie elflad tae gew tae whaste..."
"Are you suggesting we ravish Legolas's corpse?" asked the elf lord with a
raised eyebrow. "Yaes," answered Pippin, with a firm nod. "Ok," answered
Elrond, who would have added a thumbs up hand with a green sleeve had he been
posting a comment in a certain online journal community that shall remain
nameless.
"Oh, do you have to?" whined Legolas, popping back to life, "I just got my
hair clean from Gimli's... soup... that he... spilled on me... during lunch."
"Be quiet, you!" hissed Elrond. "Fine," sighed Legolas, going back to
decomposing once again.
Then Britney Spears arrived.
Then she left.
"How odd," thought Elrond to himself. The elf and halfling began violating
the corpse (had Elrond been Japanese, he would have called it an "utsukushii
shikabane," except that Legolas wasn't actually at the point of being bones
yet. Um. Anyway.) and more lembas fell on them, until they were almost
entirely covered in it. Finally, they both reached their climaxes.
"OHH," yelled Elrond. "ACCHHHHHH," screamed Pippin.
They leaned back to relax in the waybread.
"Och," smiled Pippin. "Indeed," agreed Elrond.
"Ai," whined Legolas, coming to life once again. "Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai!" The
blonde fretted at the state of his hair. "Aiiiiiii..."
Then Gimli walked in.
"Och," said the dwarf with a frown, sounding not unlike Pippin except for his
voice being more deep and actually completely different, "are you being a
corpse again?"
"Yes," muttered Legolas.
"You promised," said the dwarf, and then realised there were a halfling and
elf beside Legolas covered in bodily fluids and waybread.
"I know," said Legolas, and seeing where the dwarf's eyes had landed, added,
"Um, that was not my idea." "I believe you," said the dwarf. "AI!" cried
Legolas, and lept into Gimli's arms.
"Och," said Gimli, and died.
"Ai," cried Legolas, realising he had crushed the smaller humanoid, "AII AIII
AIIIIII!" Then he became a corpse again.
"They'll do that for hours," sighed Elrond as he rolled his eyes and
indicated the dead humanoids with a gesture only Bakshi would attept to
rotoscope.
"Aye, lits git claened oop," nodded Pippin, and was helped up by Elrond.
They went off to do so, leaving a trail of lembas.
Eventually Gimli began breathing again. "Och," he muttered, "silly elf."
Sensing his companion's renewed non-deadness, Legolas popped back to life
himself.
"Ai," cried the elf with glee, and began ravishing the dwarf, heedless of the
open pantry door.
Then Britney Spears returned.
She fell over.
Then she left again.
--
But, secretly... SOMEONE HAD BEEN WATCHING ALL THAT WAS GOING ON!
"Eheheh," laughed Gandalf to himself, as he snuck away.
"Cripes," the half-elf thought to himself, "I am aroused." He looked down at
himself, and realised that he had been thinking right. "I shall have to do
something about this!" he grinned to himself. Elrond snuck off to the
kitchen, to find the something to do.
--
Meanwhile, not far away, Pippin was sitting around in his room (also in
Rivendell). "AHM BOORED," he thought to himself, as even his thoughts were
accented. "Ahl hafte git meh somthing tae dou, bet aye daaneu ken whet."
The young halfling sighed. Merry was off somewhere looking at maps or
something (FORESHADOWING), and Sam and Frodo were "off for a walk." Pippin
lay back in bed as he tried to think of an activity he could partake in that
would alleviate his boredom.
His thoughts wandered to the elves of Rivendell, um, because they were the
individuals currently residing at Rivendell, for the most part. (I suppose
Elrond considered himself an elf, but there were all those humans and
dwarves and hobbits and whatnot that came for the council thingy and stuff,
and Aragorn hung around from time to time. Um. Anyway, I digress.) His
thoughts continued to wander, and they wandered right to the teeth of the
elves (FORESHADOWING).
Now, one thing that should be mentioned about the teeth of the elves is that
they were not yellow. Ohh, no. They were shiny, and clean. These were not
teeth from the nightmares of dental hygienists (or wet dreams, depending on
whether or not the aforementioned individuals were disturbed by rotting and
foul teeth or were capitalists glad in seeing them because it would mean
they could make a lot of money by cleaning them), ohhhh, no, no, no. These
teeth shone like pearls, except they weren't a grain of sand that an
irritated marine life form had covered in layers of nacre, and were not
round and somewhat irregular and were instead tooth shaped and even. Yes,
sirre, bob. These were fucking A-1 class teeth.
"Tehy reeahlehy heve nhaice teueth," thought the young hobbit.
These thoughts of elvish teeth began to, shall we say, turn the halfling's
crank. With his crank becoming more and more turned with every dental
related mental image floating around in his head, Pippin realised he had
something he could occupy himself with.
His hands had nearly crept into his pants when the door of the room was
flung open. "Hullo, Pip," said Merry, as he bounded in.
"Ach, yae scarrad meh ther, yae daeid." Merry blinked for a few moments as he
tried to decipher what his cousin had said. "Yae cudduv knokked, yae kennve,
och!"
"Oh, uh, sure, I will," replied Merry, fairly sure of what the hobbit now
glaring at him had muttered. Sighing, Pippin got up from the bed and headed
for the door. "Ahm gewing fer ah wahlk."
--
Pippin wandered around Rivendell for a while, until he decided to get some
food and eat. Because, you know, hobbits eat a lot and stuff.
He found the kitchen without much trouble, but it was strangely empty.
Unbeknownst to him, the elvish chefs were having an orgy with elvish farmers
that afternoon. All the tabletops were unfortunately too high for Pippin to
reach anything, so he decided to look for foodstuffs in the pantry that were
maybe stored low to the ground or something.
Carefully pushing the door to the pantry open, Pippin was surprised to hear
noises coming from inside the food storage area. "Ahh, meybe summun'll beh
yin thar soh aye ken git sum fudd er summit."
Pippin peered inside the dark pantry, and to his surprise found the lord of
Rivendell amorously engaged with some sort of food product. "Ehh, wehts hey
doewing?" wondered the halfling. Elrond turned around at the sound, as
Pippin had apparently spoken aloud without meaning to.
"Erk!" squeaked Elrond, much like a mouse, except he wasn't actually a
rodent or anything.
"Eh, hellew," said Pippin. "Um, you saw nothing," muttered the half-elf as he
tried to clean up the waybread. "Ahk," said Pippin, as he realised what was
going on, "yew donnae hafta haide iht, ahm raendier thaneh doeun ahu tadnd
ohv auhna dauudr in tae sumer mhaiself!"
Elrond blinked.
"Och, jest fock mei!" exclaimed the hobbit as he jumped into the bare elf
lord's lap. This leaping threw Elrond off balance, and ass over teakettle
they both tumbled backwards behind some shelves, or whatever it is elves use
to organise foodstuffs, and onto a lumpy form.
"What's this lumpy form beneath me?" muttered Elrond to himself, almost
completely forgetting about the halfling madly humping his leg as his
annoyance with lumpy forms took over (an automatic reaction many had
suggested he talk to someone about).
"Legolas!" exclaimed the elf lord, realising who it was, "why are you being a
lumpy form?" When no reply was forthcoming from the blonde elf, Elrond poked
the unmoving individual. "Oh dear," said Elrond, "I do believe he's dead."
"Ach, shud tha stup ahr fahn?" asked Pippin. "I suppose not," concluded
Elrond, and began molesting the hobbit.
"OCH, EHLROHND," cried Pippin, madly thrusting like a machine that is used
for thrusting. "OOHHHH, yeh haev beeutifal teehth, ACHHHHHH, EHLROND" cried
Pippin. "I know," grinned Elrond, "they my are favourite feature. Of Me."
"Och, meh tew," giggled Pippin.
Then some lembas fell on them from the shelf above.
"Occhhchh, wher cuvverd ihn bred er summat," panted Pippin between thrusts.
"Ohhhhh, I knooooooow," moaned the elf lord. "Ach, yew haev beauutiful teth,"
cried Pippin. "You already said," murmered Elrond seductivly, even though he
didn't have to be seductive because they were already fucking and whatnot.
"Achhh, theh maek meh hawt, liek wahn aye wes ferst gheeting fuzzeir ihn
paerts!" And then, still covered in elvish waybread, Pippin began to thrust
against Elrond's teeth.
"Ow," said Legolas, suddenly becoming less dead underneath them. "That
hurts." The blonde elf blinked and, after a few moments of realising what was
going on, politely returned to being deceased.
Elrond licked his lips, and Pippin came in a burst of massive proportions.
"OCH AHH DAUUNE YUAN GETTE DOUH DOUUJ DOR KELL KEN OCH!" cried the hobbit.
Becoming hard once again, almost instantly (because aside from being eating
machines, hobbits are also LOVE MACHINES) Pippin said, "Och, ets ah shaem tae
leht teh blondie elflad tae gew tae whaste..."
"Are you suggesting we ravish Legolas's corpse?" asked the elf lord with a
raised eyebrow. "Yaes," answered Pippin, with a firm nod. "Ok," answered
Elrond, who would have added a thumbs up hand with a green sleeve had he been
posting a comment in a certain online journal community that shall remain
nameless.
"Oh, do you have to?" whined Legolas, popping back to life, "I just got my
hair clean from Gimli's... soup... that he... spilled on me... during lunch."
"Be quiet, you!" hissed Elrond. "Fine," sighed Legolas, going back to
decomposing once again.
Then Britney Spears arrived.
Then she left.
"How odd," thought Elrond to himself. The elf and halfling began violating
the corpse (had Elrond been Japanese, he would have called it an "utsukushii
shikabane," except that Legolas wasn't actually at the point of being bones
yet. Um. Anyway.) and more lembas fell on them, until they were almost
entirely covered in it. Finally, they both reached their climaxes.
"OHH," yelled Elrond. "ACCHHHHHH," screamed Pippin.
They leaned back to relax in the waybread.
"Och," smiled Pippin. "Indeed," agreed Elrond.
"Ai," whined Legolas, coming to life once again. "Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai!" The
blonde fretted at the state of his hair. "Aiiiiiii..."
Then Gimli walked in.
"Och," said the dwarf with a frown, sounding not unlike Pippin except for his
voice being more deep and actually completely different, "are you being a
corpse again?"
"Yes," muttered Legolas.
"You promised," said the dwarf, and then realised there were a halfling and
elf beside Legolas covered in bodily fluids and waybread.
"I know," said Legolas, and seeing where the dwarf's eyes had landed, added,
"Um, that was not my idea." "I believe you," said the dwarf. "AI!" cried
Legolas, and lept into Gimli's arms.
"Och," said Gimli, and died.
"Ai," cried Legolas, realising he had crushed the smaller humanoid, "AII AIII
AIIIIII!" Then he became a corpse again.
"They'll do that for hours," sighed Elrond as he rolled his eyes and
indicated the dead humanoids with a gesture only Bakshi would attept to
rotoscope.
"Aye, lits git claened oop," nodded Pippin, and was helped up by Elrond.
They went off to do so, leaving a trail of lembas.
Eventually Gimli began breathing again. "Och," he muttered, "silly elf."
Sensing his companion's renewed non-deadness, Legolas popped back to life
himself.
"Ai," cried the elf with glee, and began ravishing the dwarf, heedless of the
open pantry door.
Then Britney Spears returned.
She fell over.
Then she left again.
--
But, secretly... SOMEONE HAD BEEN WATCHING ALL THAT WAS GOING ON!
"Eheheh," laughed Gandalf to himself, as he snuck away.