Title: Ice Cream and Alcohol
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter concepts.
Lucius Malfoy was strolling through Diagon Alley with his nose in the air. He had his cane, his best black robes, and more money than all of these fools combined. Yes, Lucius felt very good, indeed. He felt...sinister and important. Superior. Lucius was proud of himself and his looks. What a fine day it was to be so...fine.
Crossing the street, Lucius headed towards Flourish and Blotts when he saw...it. Lucius halted in his tracks and stared at it: the most fabulous object in the world. It was beautiful! It was wonderful! It was an ice cream vendor.
Lucius had to catch his breath at the marvelous sight. He loved ice cream! Yes, an ice cream cone sounded very fine, indeed. Strawberry. With sprinkles! When sprinkles popped into Lucius' head he nearly broke into a mad dash for the ice cream vendor. Alas, vanity (oh the wretched beast) stopped him short. What would it look like for him, Lucius Malfoy, a well-respected wizard and a pureblood, to purchase something as silly as ice cream? And on a cone?!? That would never do. Imagine what a laughing stock he would be with his cane in one gloved hand and an ice cream cone in the other?
With his image to uphold, Lucius began to turn away, feeling very sad at the loss of his favorite treat. Again, he stopped. Maybe...maybe he could lie to save face. Yes, he could lie and say he was purchasing the strawberry ice cream cone for his son, Draco. The perfect alibi, ha ha! But wait, what would that make him look like? A Malfoy purchasing ice cream for his son? Only sissys ate ice cream. What sort of sissy accepted gifts of ice cream from his father? Lucius knew he could say the ice cream cone was for his daughter, but buying ice cream for a little girl would make him look weak. Lucius Malfoy was not weak. Not he!
A little witch and her mother approached the ice cream vendor, and each bought a cone. Lucius frowned, watching the little girl happily accept her chocolate ice cream cone and give it a lick. How he envied her! For a millisecond, Lucius considered running over, snatching the ice cream cone from the little girl, and running for the hills. To hell with how it looked!
'Get hold of yourself, Lucius. After all, you have ice cream at home'.
But it wasn't the same thing. He wanted an ice cream cone fresh from the vendor. Perplexed, Lucius realized he had what we call a dilemma on his hands. He wanted an ice cream cone so badly he could taste it. He could actually feel those crunchy bursts of sugar sprinkles explode in his mouth! Ice cream with sprinkles! They taunted him mercilessly.
"No one must find out my secret," whispered Lucius, clenching his cane tightly.
His mind told him to turn away, but his body refused to obey. Lucius stood and stared at the coveted ice cream vendor. Damn his social status! Were he a commoner he could walk on over and order as much ice cream as he bloody well pleased! The unfairness of it made Lucius want to curse, but he didn't.
Just when Lucius had given up all hope, his sharp eyes fell upon an oh-so-familiar black figure emerging from the apothecary. Lucius stampeded his way through the crowd, mindless of the dirty glares and mutters.
"Severus!"
The figure turned and regarded him with a tinge of surprise.
"Lucius," greeted Snape cooly.
"Come here!" Lucius grabbed Snape's arm and pulled him around the corner. Snape hated to be touched, and grumbled a great deal. "Oh, shut up. Now then, look over there."
"Where? Past the ice cream vendor?"
"No! *At* the ice cream vendor!"
"Well? What of it?"
Lucius fumbled in his pouch and produced some coins. Slamming them into Snape's hand, he hissed, "Go and buy me a strawberry ice cream with sprinkles!"
Snape looked positively baffled. He looked from Lucius, to the coins, then back up at Lucius. "You're mad," he said at last.
"Dammit, man, I want ice cream! I will look like an idiot buying it myself."
"Oh, and I suppose I will look perfectly normal purchasing strawberry ice cream with," Snape winced, "sprinkles."
Lucius hadn't thought of that. In truth, Severus would look quite comical purchasing ice cream what with his grumpy face and billowing black robes. Another dilemma! Some unknown diety did not want Lucius Malfoy to have ice cream. But Lucius Malfoy would not be defeated. He decided to do something of great personal sacrifice. He decided to compromise.
"We shall both go and purchase ice cream."
"No, we will not. I do not like ice cream."
Lucius looked at Snape as though he'd sprouted a unibrow. "Are you mad? What do you mean you do not like ice cream?"
"Lucius, you know how I feel about sweets. I'd rather have a stiff whiskey."
Lucius' mind worked quickly. "If you will simply accompany me to purchase ice cream, I will buy you a whiskey."
Again, Snape looked baffled, then thoughtful. At last he said, "I'll need at least two whiskeys before setting foot near that blasted vendor."
"Agreed," said Lucius, and they shook hands.
They went to an upscale bar that Lucius frequented, sat, and ordered. A whiskey for Severus. Gin and tonic for Lucius.
Snape regarded Lucius evenly. "Only you would make a to do of purchasing ice cream."
"I have a reputation to uphold," retorted Lucius haughtily.
Five drinks later...
Sam, the wizard ice cream vendor, looked up when he glimpsed customers from the corner of his eye.
"Hel-" He stopped short. A tall man with long ash blond hair, a cane, and an impeccable black cloak stood beside an equally tall man with pale skin, long greasy black hair, black robes and an evil countenance. The blond man was smirking.
"I want ice cream," he announced.
At this, the black-haired man began to laugh.
"Shut up," ordered the blond man, smirking broader. "I want strawberry ice cream, on a cone, with-be quiet, Severus-plenty of sprinkles."
"Spriiiiiiiiiinkles," roared Severus in a crazy tone. Both he and the blond-haired man fell against each other laughing. Severus seized the blond man's cane and banged it on the counter. "Come, come, my good man. Mind you he gets plenty of damn sprinkles."
"How dare you damn my sprinkles, you ritualistic butt puppet!"
Severus fell onto the ground with drunken laughter. Lucius leaned against the ice cream cart he was laughing so hard. He paid for his ice cream and stood there eating it while Severus continued to lie on the ground and make a spectacle of himself.
"You'll have to excuse my friend. He was recently bit upon his ass by a deranged house elf," Lucius told passersby.
"Stop! Stop," begged Snape, "My stomach hurts!"
"Oh? The elf bit you there as well?"
With tears streaming down his face, Severus managed to get to his feet. "Let's go have another drink."
"Wait until I finish my ice cream."
"Bring it along."
Lucius shrugged. "Very well."
There was much talk amongst Lucius' social circle in the ensuing weeks.
"Honestly, Matilda, he removed one of his gloves, placed it in a very inappropriate area, and said, 'I'm an old man! I'm an old man!' It was positively indecent!"
"That greasy-haired fellow went onto the balcony, took off his pants, and swung them around his head. He then shouted to some unfortunate woman in the crowd, 'Hello, Minerva!' I hope the poor woman wasn't his wife."
All the talk; however, was nothing compared to what happened when Narcissa and Dumbledore heard of the incident. And then, oh boy!
~FIN~
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter concepts.
Lucius Malfoy was strolling through Diagon Alley with his nose in the air. He had his cane, his best black robes, and more money than all of these fools combined. Yes, Lucius felt very good, indeed. He felt...sinister and important. Superior. Lucius was proud of himself and his looks. What a fine day it was to be so...fine.
Crossing the street, Lucius headed towards Flourish and Blotts when he saw...it. Lucius halted in his tracks and stared at it: the most fabulous object in the world. It was beautiful! It was wonderful! It was an ice cream vendor.
Lucius had to catch his breath at the marvelous sight. He loved ice cream! Yes, an ice cream cone sounded very fine, indeed. Strawberry. With sprinkles! When sprinkles popped into Lucius' head he nearly broke into a mad dash for the ice cream vendor. Alas, vanity (oh the wretched beast) stopped him short. What would it look like for him, Lucius Malfoy, a well-respected wizard and a pureblood, to purchase something as silly as ice cream? And on a cone?!? That would never do. Imagine what a laughing stock he would be with his cane in one gloved hand and an ice cream cone in the other?
With his image to uphold, Lucius began to turn away, feeling very sad at the loss of his favorite treat. Again, he stopped. Maybe...maybe he could lie to save face. Yes, he could lie and say he was purchasing the strawberry ice cream cone for his son, Draco. The perfect alibi, ha ha! But wait, what would that make him look like? A Malfoy purchasing ice cream for his son? Only sissys ate ice cream. What sort of sissy accepted gifts of ice cream from his father? Lucius knew he could say the ice cream cone was for his daughter, but buying ice cream for a little girl would make him look weak. Lucius Malfoy was not weak. Not he!
A little witch and her mother approached the ice cream vendor, and each bought a cone. Lucius frowned, watching the little girl happily accept her chocolate ice cream cone and give it a lick. How he envied her! For a millisecond, Lucius considered running over, snatching the ice cream cone from the little girl, and running for the hills. To hell with how it looked!
'Get hold of yourself, Lucius. After all, you have ice cream at home'.
But it wasn't the same thing. He wanted an ice cream cone fresh from the vendor. Perplexed, Lucius realized he had what we call a dilemma on his hands. He wanted an ice cream cone so badly he could taste it. He could actually feel those crunchy bursts of sugar sprinkles explode in his mouth! Ice cream with sprinkles! They taunted him mercilessly.
"No one must find out my secret," whispered Lucius, clenching his cane tightly.
His mind told him to turn away, but his body refused to obey. Lucius stood and stared at the coveted ice cream vendor. Damn his social status! Were he a commoner he could walk on over and order as much ice cream as he bloody well pleased! The unfairness of it made Lucius want to curse, but he didn't.
Just when Lucius had given up all hope, his sharp eyes fell upon an oh-so-familiar black figure emerging from the apothecary. Lucius stampeded his way through the crowd, mindless of the dirty glares and mutters.
"Severus!"
The figure turned and regarded him with a tinge of surprise.
"Lucius," greeted Snape cooly.
"Come here!" Lucius grabbed Snape's arm and pulled him around the corner. Snape hated to be touched, and grumbled a great deal. "Oh, shut up. Now then, look over there."
"Where? Past the ice cream vendor?"
"No! *At* the ice cream vendor!"
"Well? What of it?"
Lucius fumbled in his pouch and produced some coins. Slamming them into Snape's hand, he hissed, "Go and buy me a strawberry ice cream with sprinkles!"
Snape looked positively baffled. He looked from Lucius, to the coins, then back up at Lucius. "You're mad," he said at last.
"Dammit, man, I want ice cream! I will look like an idiot buying it myself."
"Oh, and I suppose I will look perfectly normal purchasing strawberry ice cream with," Snape winced, "sprinkles."
Lucius hadn't thought of that. In truth, Severus would look quite comical purchasing ice cream what with his grumpy face and billowing black robes. Another dilemma! Some unknown diety did not want Lucius Malfoy to have ice cream. But Lucius Malfoy would not be defeated. He decided to do something of great personal sacrifice. He decided to compromise.
"We shall both go and purchase ice cream."
"No, we will not. I do not like ice cream."
Lucius looked at Snape as though he'd sprouted a unibrow. "Are you mad? What do you mean you do not like ice cream?"
"Lucius, you know how I feel about sweets. I'd rather have a stiff whiskey."
Lucius' mind worked quickly. "If you will simply accompany me to purchase ice cream, I will buy you a whiskey."
Again, Snape looked baffled, then thoughtful. At last he said, "I'll need at least two whiskeys before setting foot near that blasted vendor."
"Agreed," said Lucius, and they shook hands.
They went to an upscale bar that Lucius frequented, sat, and ordered. A whiskey for Severus. Gin and tonic for Lucius.
Snape regarded Lucius evenly. "Only you would make a to do of purchasing ice cream."
"I have a reputation to uphold," retorted Lucius haughtily.
Five drinks later...
Sam, the wizard ice cream vendor, looked up when he glimpsed customers from the corner of his eye.
"Hel-" He stopped short. A tall man with long ash blond hair, a cane, and an impeccable black cloak stood beside an equally tall man with pale skin, long greasy black hair, black robes and an evil countenance. The blond man was smirking.
"I want ice cream," he announced.
At this, the black-haired man began to laugh.
"Shut up," ordered the blond man, smirking broader. "I want strawberry ice cream, on a cone, with-be quiet, Severus-plenty of sprinkles."
"Spriiiiiiiiiinkles," roared Severus in a crazy tone. Both he and the blond-haired man fell against each other laughing. Severus seized the blond man's cane and banged it on the counter. "Come, come, my good man. Mind you he gets plenty of damn sprinkles."
"How dare you damn my sprinkles, you ritualistic butt puppet!"
Severus fell onto the ground with drunken laughter. Lucius leaned against the ice cream cart he was laughing so hard. He paid for his ice cream and stood there eating it while Severus continued to lie on the ground and make a spectacle of himself.
"You'll have to excuse my friend. He was recently bit upon his ass by a deranged house elf," Lucius told passersby.
"Stop! Stop," begged Snape, "My stomach hurts!"
"Oh? The elf bit you there as well?"
With tears streaming down his face, Severus managed to get to his feet. "Let's go have another drink."
"Wait until I finish my ice cream."
"Bring it along."
Lucius shrugged. "Very well."
There was much talk amongst Lucius' social circle in the ensuing weeks.
"Honestly, Matilda, he removed one of his gloves, placed it in a very inappropriate area, and said, 'I'm an old man! I'm an old man!' It was positively indecent!"
"That greasy-haired fellow went onto the balcony, took off his pants, and swung them around his head. He then shouted to some unfortunate woman in the crowd, 'Hello, Minerva!' I hope the poor woman wasn't his wife."
All the talk; however, was nothing compared to what happened when Narcissa and Dumbledore heard of the incident. And then, oh boy!
~FIN~