A Hogwarts Extravaganza


(Co-written for GT.net by Vivienne NookieNug and Ars Amatoria [Isabella Spudwinky])


A/N: Be warned. Anyone who knows GT will know how barmy everyone is there, and if you don't – well, we're all barmy, okay? Stick with us for this one – we can guarantee singing and dancing from students and teachers, a lovelorn Snape, Voldie in pink frilly robes, and oodles of musical H/G and R/H goodness…

Prologue


"Wormtail!" The harsh voice rang out, and the servant scurried to attend to his master. Voldemort took the Cuban cigar from his mouth and swilled his brandy round once before knocking it back in one go and sending the empty glass smashing into the grate where a roaring fire was blazing. "Has a sufficient breach been made in the wards?" he rasped.

"Yes, Master. Dumbledore has no idea what we are planning, and with the old fool away from Hogwarts, now is the ideal time to make the deadly stroke, which will ultimately allow us to wreak our-"

"Thank you, Wormtail, don't get overexcited," cut in Voldemort. Wormtail, who had been getting more and more animated, gesticulating wildly as he spoke, hung his head at his master's snappish reproof.

"Sorry, Master."

"Good, good. Then all is ready." Wormtail could not help but cower slightly as his master stood up, towering over him. Now the Dark Lord had risen again Wormtail was well aware that his master no longer really needed him, and lived in constant fear that he would be 'disposed of,' especially since Voldemort had been displaying some rather peculiar habits recently, not the least of which was a penchant for Muggle literature. Ever since Voldemort had read a novel by Thomas Hardy the Death Eaters had had to put up with an entire flock of sheep wandering round the castle from where they were masterminding their world take-over bid. Voldemort called them his 'babies' and let them roam free. When one of the sheep had eaten a map of Lithuania, Voldemort lost his temper and turned the entire flock into lobsters and threw them into the lake. Far be it from Wormtail to question the sanity of the greatest Dark wizard of all time, but Wormtail wasn't sure he liked working for a man who had read Sense and Sensibility and instructed his followers to call him Marianne for a week afterwards. He dreaded to think what would happen if his master discovered the Karma Sutra.

Voldemort strode across the dismal, dungeon-like room and flung open an ornately carved wooden door. Several of the hooded figures in the next room flinched and one of them hurriedly stubbed out a filter-tipped cigarette.

"It is time," was all Voldemort said, and the group filed solemnly into a circular adjoining room, where torches burning with a magical green flame lined the curved walls. An eerie light came from a cauldron in the centre of the room, from which lilac flames licked.

The dark-clad group formed a circle and Voldemort stepped forward. He shed his long black cowl to reveal – some of the assembly exchanged baffled looks – a baby blue robe with – someone snickered – lace trimming and a little bow.

Voldemort drew his wand and glared at the assembly threateningly. "Does anyone have a problem with my attire? Haven't you ever read 'What Katy Did?' Blue's all the rage, you know." There were mumbled 'no's and head-shakings. "Well then, unless anyone wants to join our fluffy friends in the lake…? No? Then let us continue. We will be performing the 'Appare Sinus' and 'Usikmay-Akermay' charms, so if we could all hold hands and skip clockwise, then…"

A hooded figure stepped nervously forward. "But why those charms, Lord? What with the Hogwarts wards breached we could-"

Voldemort looked annoyed. "Haven't you ever read Shakespeare? Never taken the time to marvel at the never ceasing love Romeo displayed for his fair Juliet? Love is the greatest weakness of all, and love coupled with the power of music… well, soon there will be no wards. I have already secured the Ministry. There will be nothing to stop us-"

"The Ministry of Magic, sir?" asked one Death Eater, a new recruit, Voldemort noted, eager but mind-numbingly stupid, a complete upper class twit with twice as many sets of dress robes as brain cells.

"No, genius," snapped Voldemort sarcastically, "the Ministry for Silly bloody Walks, what do you think?"

"But, Lord, surely-"

"All right, Mr. Clever Dick," said Voldemort, rounding on the unfortunate Death Eater who had spoken, who happened to be Crabbe. "Who's the Dark Lord here, you or me? Perhaps you'd like to have a go at being the most powerful Dark wizard of all time, eh?" He turned away contemptuously only to turn back again, elaborately swishing his robes, "It's not easy being me, you know. None of you know what I've had to put up with. Did I like it when I was sucking the life out of snakes in Romania, or living inside an unwashed turban? No. Did I complain? No. Or indeed when I was dancing in a strip club in San Diego and had to- Well, enough said."

There were a few embarrassed coughs and Voldemort looked rattled.

"If you want to be great you have to make sacrifices, and that's exactly what I did. Now, if we're quite finished, perhaps we could get back to our world take-over bid…?"

There was a sheepish silence and the sound of feet shuffling nervously.

"Sorry, Lord."

"Sorry."

"You're the boss."

"Very well, then let us begin," said Voldemort. The group closed in on the fire and began to chant, and as they chanted the flames of the fire burned higher and higher, stretching up to the ceiling. An acrid smoke filled the chamber but still they continued to weave the spell. After what seemed like hours, the green torches and the flame in the cauldron simultaneously flickered out, leaving an eerily silent darkness.

A voice murmured from the dark, "It is done."

There was a brief pause, then a burst of manic laughter. "Muah ha ha ha ha ha ha! My fiendish plans are finally coming togeth- argh! Which one of you imbeciles is stepping on my hemline? This isn't just any old fabric, it's Italian silk, you know."

A/N: Stick around. Things are going to be getting very strange/disturbing/bloody frightening indeed for Harry and his friends…