It was a beautiful day. The lake was shining like a mirror and the sand covering the shore was very soft. Though the surroundings were pleasent, the situation was tense. Padmé and Anakin barley talked during their little picnic at the beach, they exchanged awkward glances a couple of times, and all they could hear was the other's uncomfortable breathing. Why? Not even they knew the answer. The air was stiff and the silence was cold. All of the sudden it was uncomfortable to be around the other. Finally, Anakin got the nerve to talk first.
"What are you thinking?", he asked softly. He haven't talked in a while, and his voice was a little rusty. He cleared his throat and turned to look at his wife. Padmé shrugged.
"Um, I don't know. Nothing special", she answered in a loose tone.
"Oh", Anakin said dryly. Another deathly silence filled the air. "You want to know what happened to you, don't you?", he asked with a long sigh. Padmé turned to him and nodded. "Don't worry, I'm on it", Anakin asured her.
"I know, but still... I'd like to at least have a clue of what happened to me the other day. I see everything so blurry, it's so hard to remember what I was thinking at the moment". There was another deep silence between them. It was getting more uncomfortable every time!
"Why are we so uncomfortable with each other, Padmé?", Anakin asked suddenly. Padmé raised her head and looked at him terrified. She wanted to ask the very same question, but for no aparent reason, kept the doubt to herself. Padmé sighed and shook her head.
"I don't know, Ani", she answered softly. "Why don't we talk about something else instead of returning to 'the subject' each and every time we have a conversation?", she suggested.
Anakin smiled at her and nodded. 'The subject' was Padmé's crisis after attacking Obi-Wan. It wasn't a very pleasent topic to have in a conversation between two newly weds. So they changed the topic, only that things got worse...
"Anakin, would you like to have children?", she asked smiling. "Not now, but eventually...", Padmé corrected herself, thinking that she had lightened things up a little bit. Anakin's jaw dropped.
"What?", he asked surprised. Padmé's smile disappeared.
"Would you like to have kids?", she asked in a more serious tone. Anakin tried to say something, but nothing came out from his mouth. He stared at the lake and shook his head.
"I... I don't know what to answer, Padmé", he said very uncomfortable.
"You DO want to have kids with me, right Anakin?", she asked in a harder tone. Anakin turned to look at her.
"I don't know", Anakin answered.
"You don't know. Is that all you can give me for an answer?", Padmé asked in disbelief. Anakin was about to say 'I don't know' again, but he thought it over and changed his mind.
"I'm sorry", he said. He wasn't making things any better, and both Padmé and Anakin knew this. Why couldn't he give her a real answer, something that would clear her doubts? Anakin wasn't really good in expressing his emotions, he was better at stating an opinion. After all, he was a senator, and his job was to live standing for his believes.
Padmé stood up and fixed her clothes in an effort to make all the wrinkles and the sand to disappear. She let out a long sigh and stared at Anakin.
"Talk to me again when you have a real answer", she said before turning around and leaving the beach and Anakin all by himself, sitting on the sand.
He always did that. He always made Padmé angry, or disappointed at him. always left things the wrong way. Nothing was turning out the way he would have wished, everything was going down...
*
Anakin had been sitting on the steps of the house's doorway, waiting for Padmé to appear. Hours had gone by, and still no sign from her. Footsteps were heard from not far away. Anakin stood up in a jump when he saw Padmé walking towards the house. She had her lightsaber in her hand, captured in a tight grip. Her face didn't look any good either. She had this hard look. You could tell that her teeth were clenched by the way her jaw was turning white and wrinkled.
When she caught sight of her husband, her gaze softened. Suddenly, her chin wasn't as tight as it was just seconds ago. It started to shake, and her eyes were becoming as bright as glass, reflecting everything around her. Anakin realized that something wasn't right, so he inmediately ran towards her.
Padmé dropped her lightsaber and her eyes met Anakin's puzzled look.
"I've done something terrible", she whispered. There was a brief silence that was filled with Padmé's desperate sobs. She hugged Anakin tightly, never wanting to let him go. He returned the embrace, only that on his mind was the doubt of what Padmé had done. Padmé realized what he was feeling, it wasn't necessary to read his mind to know what was going through his head.
"I'll tell you later", she said softly. Anakin just nodded and tightened his arms around her. "I'm so sorry, I realy didn't mean what I did, I'm so sorry", she said over and over. Anakin's confusion grew by every second that went by. But there would be time to clear all of his doubts later. Now, his only duty was to be there for his wife.
*
After drinking several cups of medicinal herb's tea, Padmé calmed down. Now it was the perfect time to ask her.
"Padmé, what did you do earlier?", Anakin asked afraid of her answer. Padmé drank the tea that was left in her cup and looked at him, nearly piercing his eyes.
"I was walking down the road, to the mountains, when I saw a sheppard watching his animals. Well, he wasn't really watching them, because he was asleep. Suddenly, this urge to kill the animals came to me, so...", she drift off to take a look at her hands, claped around the cup. Anakin raised his brows in awe.
"You killed the animals?", he asked in disbelief.
"And almost killed the sheppard...", Padmé added lowering her head. Anakin ran his palms through his head, trying to clear his mind.
"Is he alright?", he asked, not knowing what else to say.
"Yes, I mind tricked him", Padmé answered ashamed. Anakin shook his head and hit the table with his fist.
"Gods, Padmé...", he said in a raised tone as he rose from his chair and walked away from her. "How could you do such a thing? People around here live of their animals and the products that these supply them! Now this poor man is going to arrive at his home empty handed! What will his family do?", he yelled in anger.
His little speech only made Padmé feel worst than she already was. She burst out in crying and covered her face with her hands. Anakin let go a long and heavy sigh and walked towards the door. He stopped at the frame to look at Padmé.
"I try to understand you, Padmé, but I've got to draw the line somewhere. I just can't let everything go and act as if nothing had happened", he said before leaving her alone at the cold kitchen.
*
Padmé walked inside Anakin's room. He was sleeping on the bed, and the blankets were at his feet. A cold wind came from the window and Padmé noticed how he shivered. She walked towards him and covered her husband. The expression on his face caught her atention. He looked mad, at least that's what she tought, because his brows were down and close together. His jaw was tightly shut and his hands were clenched into fists.
Padmé slowly brought her hand up and covered Anakin's. At the feeling of the touch, Anakin moved his hand away and mumbled something. Padmé smiled and grabbed his hand again. Authomatically, Anakin entwined his fingers with hers. After a couple of seconds, he slowly opened his eyes and looked at Padmé.
"What are you doing here?", he asked in a husky voice. For a moment, Padmé's mind went blank.
"I... You were cold, so I covered you", she replied shyly. Anakin sighed.
"Thank you", was his dry response. There was an awkward silence between them. Finally, Padmé spoke up.
"Why can't things be like they used to be?", she asked lowering her head.
"Because things aren't like they used to be, that's why", Anakin answered turning around and dropping Padmé's hand. She stared at her now empty hand for a while, thinking of what she had just heard.
"Do you regret marrying me?", she asked directly. No answer from him. the only thing she could hear coming from him was his hard breathing. Padmé nodded and stood up. "Well I don't regret marrying you, Anakin. I'm happy I did", she said in a shaky voice.
No answer this time either. Padmé wiped a tear that was coming out from her eye and left the room very hurt. After making sure that she wasn't in the room, Anakin stood up and headed to the conference room. He needed to speak to Obi-Wan.
"Good evening, m'lord. How can I help you?", Obi-Wan greeted politely.
"I'm glad I found you, Master Kenobi. I needed to talk to you about Padmé", Anakin said in a serious tone. As he got no answer, he continued. "Things aren't going as planned. She's starting to lose control over herself. I don't know what to do anymore!", he said upset.
"What happened now, what has she done?", the Jedi master asked, afraid of the senator's response. Anakin took a deep breath and opened his eyes.
"She killed an entire herd of country animals this afternoon, and she almost killed the sheppard", he replied.
Obi-Wan sighed and brought his hands to his face, trying to hide his shame. He thought that this was all his fault. He was Padmé's master, and her behavior made him asume all the guilt. What had he done wrong?
"Was she angry or the rage just came out of the blue?", he asked in a low tone. This time, Anakin felt the guilt over his shoulders.
"We were talking about having children, and I didn't give her a good answer, so she got mad at me. She left, I should've ran after her...", Anakin regreted. At the word 'children', Obi-Wan couldn't hide his surprise.
"But senator, children?", he asked in awe. Anakin nodded. "Well, do you want to have children with my Padawan?", he put special emphasis in the word Padawan. Anakin shook his head.
"Looking at the situation as it is right now, I don't. Padmé is too unstable, I couldn't put a child at risk. It's too dangerous. Who knows how Padmé will be two years from now?", he asked, not really expecting an answer.
"I guess you're right. Too bad she doesn't see things your way, senator", Obi-Wan added. There was a brief silence, broken by Kenobi a couple of minutes later. "Senator, can I ask you something?", he said shyly.
"Yes, of course", Anakin said. Another brief silence, and the question came.
"Do you still love her? Do you regret marrying her?", he asked raising a brow.
"I don't know. All the things I loved about her are not there anymore. They are still inside her, I know it, but when her dark side shows there's not enough room for those things I love so much", he answered.
"And your marriage?", Obi-Wan asked leaning closer to the camera. Anakin lowered his head and stared at his hands.
"I'm starting to think it was a mistake...", he replied honestly. Obi-Wan stared at him with an 'I told you so' look in his eyes and shook his head.
"Well, senator... I have to go, the council's calling me. May the force be with you". Anakin didn't answer, so Obi-Wan cut off the comunications.
Anakin just sat there feeling sorry for himself and Padmé, thinking about all the things that had happened the last few weeks and how his decisions had changed his and Padmé's lives. What he didn't know, was that Padmé had been at the door, listening to the entire conversation Anakin and Obi-Wan had had just minutes ago. Her face was covered in tears of pain and treason, leaving her with a look of deep hurt in her eyes.
Betrayal.
She walked inside, not caring about the tears all over her face, and stood behind Anakin. The ideas crossing her head at that time were driving her insane. Their marriage was a lie, all about the two of them was. But what hurt her the most was the thought of Anakin not loving her.
She heard him sob and taking short breaths, trying to stay calm and leaving all the anguish he felt a side. Soon he heard Padmé's sobs behind him. He lifted his head, stood up and slowly turned around. Her look was killing him, the only image of her standing right infront of him, crying her soul out, was too painful. But they had got to a point where there was no return.
"Padmé, I...", he started slowly. He paused to recover his breath, but it only made his sobbing to increase. Padmé wiped the tears on her face and cleared her throat.
"I'll leave in the morning". She turned around and left the room. Anakin walked after her at her same pace, slowly. They kept walking until they reached the door of Padmé's old room. She turned around and faced Anakin. They stared at each other for a while, trying to talk through their looks.
"Padmé, this doesn't mean that I don't love you. I do!", he explained, though she never asked for any explanation. She didn't answer. Anakin tried to hug her, but she stepped back. "Please, talk to me", he pleaded.
"Days ago, you promised me that whatever came to us, we were going to face it together", she said. Anakin lowered his head. "You promised". While guilt was building inside Anakin, Padmé walked inside her room and closed the door.
*
Padmé woke up the next morning with a strange feeling. But it wasn't an emotional feeling, it was physical. Something was sourrounding her by the waist. She turned her head and saw Anakin, whose eyes were half closed but still staring firmly at her.
"What are you doing here?", she asked coldly as she moved away from him. Anakin didn't care, and drew her closer to him. As much as she tried to get away from his arms, she couldn't. Besides, she had just opened her eyes seconds ago after a long night of sleep, and she was weak.
"I needed to have you by my side. I wanted to look at you", he answered in a tired tone. Padmé raised a brow.
"You were watching me all night?", she asked. Anakin nodded. "You know I hate that", she said turning around. "And I don't remember asking you to come to my bed...", she said in a hard tone.
"I don't need permission, I'm your husband", he answered firmly. Padmé smiled in an ironic way and turned to look at him.
"Funny... you don't act like my husband", she said. She noticed the look of hurt on his eyes and for a moment she regreted saying what she'd just said. But then she remembered the conversation Anakin and Obi-Wan had had in the conference room, and as fast as regret came, it left.
"Get out of my bed", she ordered in a hard tone. Anakin didn't move. He tightened his embrace and rested his chin on the top of her head. Padmé pushed him but he didn't move. "Anakin, go away", she insisted. Anakin lowered his head to kiss her, but as soon as their lips met, Padmé slapped him. Anakin was shocked. Padmé just gave him a hard look and stood up.
"If you don't go, I'll leave". She wrapped her Jedi robe around her and looked at him again. "I'll get my things ready to leave. I'll be out of your house today", she statened. A look of horror formed in Anakin's eyes.
"No, Padmé, please!! You've got to stay here with me, I'm begging you!!", he pleaded. Padmé turned to face him.
"Why? Are you afraid that I might hurt some one? Don't worry, I won't. Ever since we met again things got worse in my life". Anakin lowered his head. After a breif silence, Padmé spoke up in a much softer tone. "But I'll take happy memories with me. I won't forget that you were there with me when my mother died, and that you tried to help me with my problems. But I can't be happy with just memories, Anakin".
Anakin brought his hands to his face and cried. He didn't care that she was still there watching him. He had always been the strong one for both of them, but this was too much for him.
He had failed her, and that was unbearable. He felt comforting arms sourrounding him, and he looked up to see Padmé holding him. He rested his head on her shoulder while she ran her hands through his hair, trying to comfort him.
"I'm sorry things ended up this way...", he said softly. He felt Padmé nodding. "Give me another chance, Padmé. Please...", he said between sobs. He only made things harder for Padmé. He felt a couple of tears on his neck that weren't his.
"No...", she whispered. Anakin embraced her and held her close to him, in an effort to let her know how much she meant to him.
"Please, Padmé... please. Let me show you that I can be a better husband than the one I've been", he begged.
"Ani, you are not that bad. You've been by my side when I needed you, you try to understand me and my problems. But you are giving up on me, and honestly, I don't know what to think about you. You regret marrying me, yet you ask me to give you another chance to be a better husband", she said.
"I admit that I've thought that our marriage was a mistake...", he paused to look at her. Tears were coming to her eyes and he wiped them away. "But all those thoughts disappear when I'm with you, like this, in your arms". Padmé smiled and Anakin frowned. "What?", he asked confused.
"You are being all 'fluffy' again...", she said. Anakin smiled and hugged her.
"Well, I don't know how to put it then. It's just the way I feel", he said smiling. "I don't want to give up on us, Padmé. I want to fight for us", he said in a more serious tone.
"I'll be honest with you, Anakin. I don't know if I can trust you anymore. I don't want to read your mind every time I want to know if you're telling me the truth", she said. Anakin sighed. "You will have to win my trust again, Ani. That's going to be hard".
"I know. But I'll do whatever it takes for me to win your trust again, Padmé. I promise".
"Don't promise anything, there have been too many broken promises in this relationship already. It'll be enough if you just say that you'll try. That will be our first step to trust each other, alright?". Anakin nodded and rubbed her arms.
"Alright, I'll do my best", he reasured her with a smile. Padmé smiled back. Anakin was leaning to kiss her but she stopped him.
"But at the first mistake...", she warned raising her finger. Anakin nodded.
"Alright", he said in a serious tone. Padmé smiled and kissed him. When they pulled away, she rested her head on his shoulder.
"Why do I have to love you so much...?", she whispered to herself. Anakin acted as if he didn't hear what she said and tightened his arms around her. He decided to play a little with her thoughts.
"Why do you love me so much, Padmé?", he asked smiling. Padmé laughed and kissed the side of his head.
"I don't know, Ani. I ask myself the same question every day", she replied smiling.
"Let's stay at home today, alright? Every time we get out of this house something happens", Anakin said.
"I agree", she added with a smile.
*
A couple of weeks went by, and things were really shaping up. Padmé was starting to recover her trust on Anakin, and he was changing his attitude. He wasn't complaining and regreting marrying Padmé all the time. They were genuinly happy now. They owed that to each other's effort. Obi-Wan dropped for a visit one day.
"Hello, do you know where I can find the senator?", Obi-Wan asked to Sabé.
"I think that they are in the gardens".
"Thank you", Obi-Wan said politely. He headed towards the gardens, already expecting to find them fighting, or maybe mad at each other. You could expect anything with this odd match. But when he got there, he found them very happy and caring for each other. Anakin noticed Kenobi's pressence and smiled.
"Ah, Obi-Wan, pleasure to see you again", he greeted cheerfully. Obi-Wan frowned at the senator's good mood and shook his hand.
"Thank you, my lord", he replied formally. Padmé found this extremely odd, her master had always been very polite and was known for his good manners, but he was being rude. Her thoughts were interrupted by her master's intense stare. "And how've you been, my young Padawan?"
"Great, master. Couldn't be better", she said looking at Anakin. He smiled at her but looked back to the front after hearing Obi-Wan clearing his throat. "I'm sorry, master".
"My young Padawan, if I came here it wasn't to see you and the senator sharing loving glances and smiles. I need to have a word with you", he said in a hard tone. "And hurry up, I don't have time to wait until you and your precious husband say good bye to each other. I've had more than enough of your unpropper behavior".
"Excuse me, Obi-Wan, but I think that this is no way of addressing to your Padawan, and we are not behaving unpropperly", Anakin said cutting in. Something was wrong with Obi-Wan, he was being very hard on Padmé for some unknown reason.
"I don't mean to be rude with you, senator, but you better stay away from the buissness that me and my Padawan have to discuss, or..."
"Or what?", Padmé interrupted. There was an awkward silence. VERY awkward. Padmé's anger was rising, so was Anakin's concern for her. Obi-Wan wasn't very pleased either. He finally spoke up.
"We better talk, young one. I'll be waiting for you inside the house", the Jedi Master said almost as a warning. He walked away and left Anakin and Padmé alone. When he made sure that Obi-Wan couldn't hear them, Anakin spoke.
"What do you think he wants?", he asked confused. Padmé kept looking at the direction where her master had disappeared and shook her head.
"I don't know, but I'm sure that it isn't good", she said concerned. Anakin sighed and hugged her, trying to comfort her. "I'll tell you tonight", Padmé said before she walked away, following her master's trail.
*
"What is it, master?", Padmé asked in a worn out tone.
"I came to see if you have made any progress in your anger control", was his response. Padmé was shocked by the tone he used to ask such a personal question. His face was still, free of any emotion. Something was bothering him.
"It's going fine. Each day I make a little progress, and Anakin has been of great help", she answered. Obi-Wan nodded and stood up abrutly.
"I'll cut straight to the point, Padmé: you have to return to Courasant by the end of the week, earlier if possible".
Padmé's world fell from her heart to her shoes. Her dreamed honeymoon had come to an end. It had to, some day. She didn't expect it to be so quickly. Dark feelings rised from her soul, and she threw a cold and hard stare to her master. Obi-Wan noticed this and raised a brow.
"Are you warming up a little, my young Padawan?", he asked challenging her. Padmé smiled sarcastically, realizing that her master's intention was to make her mad.
"Why would you care? Oh, now I get it: they sent you here to test me, right? They wanted someone reliable to tell them about my progress, IF I had made any in the first place...", Padmé said with suspicious look.
"Yes, and no. Yes, because they want to know how are you;and no, because that's not the only reason why I'm here. They really want you back, Padawan. It's very important for your future, and for the whole galaxy's sake", Obi Wan admited. He sat down and waited for her question. Not an answer, but a question, as it was usual on her.
"Why?", Padmé asked with the same suspicious look she had used before.
"The council thinks that if you have overcame your anger, you might be ready for the trials". He used emphasis on the words IF and MIGHT, maybe that way he wouldn't put her hopes too high. Knowing Padmé, she would get too excited ad finally let her feelings betray her. But the exact opposite happened. The expression on her face at ther words 'trials' remained intact. It was as if she didn't care at all.
"I thought that you were going to be a little more excited", Obi Wan said confused. Padmé raised a brow and sighed.
"Well, master: you were wrong". It sounded as if she was mocking him. "I don't know if I am that eager on giving the trials anymore". Obi-Wan stood up in a jump and pointed a finger at her.
"If you are saying that just to stay here with the senator, let me tell you that I'll do whatever it's in my power to stop it!", he shot using a very hard tone.
"Oh, so that's what this is all about? You don't want me to be with my husband anymore, don't you?".
"No, I don't!". Padmé froze at her master's response. Her only reaction was to ask:
"Why?".
"Come on, Padawan. Wake up! This marriage is a joke! This is all fake, it's not true, at all!!", he yelled. Padmé gave him a confused look. "You can't be a wife and a Padawan at the same time. The senator was smart enough to see it on time, so he did everything very carefully".
"What are you talking about?", Padmé asked fearing the worse.
"You are not really married, the ceremony was illegal, it was just an act! Everything he has ever told you is a lie, he is a lie by himself! Don't tell me that you haven't noticed this before?", Obi Wan asked as if the answer were obvious.
"You are the one who's lying... Anakin would never do something like that to me".
"Well, your marriage didn't start so good if I recall... Even in your first hours as a married couple were full of lies. He's hurt you enough, Padmé, just leave him", he suggested.
Padmé couldn't believe what her master had said. she sat down while she tried to process the information. Her mouth went dry, and she had a hard time trying to breath. There was something across her throat that just wouldn't let the air go inside as it usualy went.
"No...". she choked in her own words and tried to calm down. Obi Wan stood behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. That simple geasture convinced her that Obi Wan's words were truth. "But I can't leave him, we're married..."
"No, my young Padawan. You are not". Padmé felt how her tears wet her hands as they fell freely from her face. "You can leave him and there will be no legal problems. It will be as if nothind had happened...", but he couldn't continue, she interrupted him.
"Nothing happened? Master, I've loved that man in every possible way, I gave myself to him. By or not by the law, we WERE married! I'll never forget this, it's something that will remain with me forever. I can't just act as if nothing..." She trailed off at the word nothing, because it showed her the truth. That truth that was o hard to believe, to accept. She couldn't live by that new reality Obi Wan had planted her.
"We could leave tonight, he would never know", Kenobi suggested. Padmé dismissed the idea shaking her head.
"Of course he would notice, we sleep in the same room...", she spat out bitterly. Oh, how she regreted everything that had ever happened between them. How she regreted that he was the one that comforted her when Shmi died. She hated the fact that his face was the first thing she saw when she woke up every morning, she hated the memories of the intimacy they had shared, and the fact that she had given him so many chances to make up his mistakes. It was all just a waste.
"Alright, we'll leave tonight. But first, there's something I must do".
*
Anakin had a sored cheek. Why? Because Padmé had slapped him before she started packing, while she was packing, and after she packed. To sum up, his face was swallen, red and hot from the pain. Padmé also had insulted him during her time inside the room. Her screams and yells left no room for Anakin to ask for an explanation.
"Good bye, you bastard!", she yelled from the door.
After the slamming of the door, he never heard of her for a long time.
So he just sat there, full of doubts, hurt, afraid, and with a broken heart. Padmé felt exactly the same way. The only difference, is that she knew what Anakin had done.
He didn't.
TBC