Disclaimer: Gravitation is by Maki Murakami. Song lyrics such as 'Fallen Angel' are mine.
Aching Desire.
(Nagareboshi 3)
By Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 5 - "Nani...nani o shita ka?' ('What...what have I done?')
As the more songs played, the more I sank into my seat. I thought I was almost there, but then I shook my head as my lips pursed in annoyance at Fate. For you know what she did?
She played Nagareboshi for me. How sweet.
The song I had made with Ryuichi in this hotel was coming back to me. "You are so near, yet so far from me," I had whispered to him.
I even held him almost in tears wondering about him leaving for America that night after the concert. He would think that there is nothing more to us.
Well, that's what I had thought...
...until he gave me kumogorou as his guarantee...
"Nagareboshi" was still playing as I paid the driver an indecent sum and walked as quickly as I could in my sick condition. And since it was what time in the morning, the street was somewhat quiet.
It echoed off the building in the distance. But to me, the song's words and music were very clear.
It was playing in my head like a mantra along with my heartbeat following its fast tempo.
"I'll jump off the ledge for you too!" he had shouted to the audience.
I pressed the 'up' button of the elevator and entered as soon as it opened before me.
The floor numbers rose and I felt like gravity was pushing my heart further and further.
"Calm down, Tatsuha," I whispered to myself like a lunatic on the loose.
I am.
I almost laughed as I stood in that elevator.
I walked quickly towards his door as the elevator opened before me. I was coughing and my body felt like hell itself enclosed, but I found myself running.
I have to get there on time. I have to get there on time. I have to get there on time...
Knock, knock.
How will I say sorry to you, Ryuichi? How can we get through this?
I can't say goodbye-
Will you forgive me?
Click.
Ryuichi stood before me in pajamas and a tired face. He rubbed his eyes with one hand while the other held his infamous Kumagorou firmly.
"Ryuichi...I'm-" I started to say.
He glared at me like a child who had just lost their best friend.
Yes, I know...
I took him away from you.
I'm competing against myself, don't you know that?
He took a hold of my arm and threw me to the ground. And it was even harsher because he couldn't say anything.
But his eyes made up for half of the share his voice cannot cover at the moment.
I sat on the ground too stunned to do anything.
He started to kneel on the ground. When he did, he threw Kumogorou at my chest.
But then, I felt his fists softly pounding on my heart too.
My eyes had been closed the whole time and I had really expected to be beaten for what I had done. It was not a fair judgment though. I needed more torture for my guilt to go away.
Plip, plop.
His tears landed on my cheeks as if I had cried myself. With his eyes tightly shut, his mouth wanted to shout, "TATSUHA! BAAAKAAAAA!!!!"
I could hear his voice clear in my mind though...
I then looked at the empty hallway and got up. I took my idol into my arms and found the strength to lift him up.
He shook his head slowly in protest, but then, as I entered the room, I held him firmly.
I finally heard the radio station playing the Nittle Grasper songs that it had promised for the night.
The door closed in back of me and I leaned upon it. Slipping to the ground, I held Ryuichi tightly in my lap as I whispered over and over, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."
And he continued to sob.
My god has gone crazy...
For this unworthy person...
For an instant, a portion of my life flashed over my mind as I thought about the time that Ryuichi had jumped into my arms at the airport. After that day, he took me to the beach to spend a vacation with me...
"I don't know what I'd ever do if I couldn't have you, Tatsuha..." his voice trailed off.
The wind blew as he leaned his arms on the railing of the balcony of his beach house over looking the sea.
I had gotten some tea for both of us to drink and came back to him saying that. He didn't even turn his head. But he looked so serious in contemplation with his hands folded.
His knuckles were turning white...
I laughed at him. "Why would you say something like that, Ryuichi?" I answered as I walked towards him.
"You're my Kumogorou. I can't give you back. I can't go back to the way I used to be."
As I stood next to him, he still looked out to the sea before him as I blinked my eyes with a loss for words.
"Ryuichi..." I leaned my head on his shoulder.
That's what I had thought when I first saw you perform in a concert...
The memory began to haze as I held onto him.
You always know what you want, Ryuichi. That's something with experience, I guess. I don't know much about life yet...
But there was only one thing I was sure of: You.
I don't know why.
The person who took fate in his hands and twisted it for himself...
He's collapsed into my arms.
I...I did this to him.
I shook my head as I kissed his hair over and over. "Please forgive me, Ryuichi. I promise I won't let this happen again."
He pushed me lightly away.
At that moment, my ears heard the words as Ryuichi looked at me with a lost and forsaken expression in his eyes. Putting his hands over my ears, my eyes opened in horror.
I then saw what was under his sleeves. He guiltily held out his wrists with a 'little kid lost' look.
It was only then did I finally understand what Shuichi had meant...
The white gauze was starting to come out both of his arms...
With splotches of blood everywhere...
Ryuichi then tilted his head sweetly at me and sang in lip sync to "Fallen Angel"'s last lyrics,
"Through the shadows of myself (Grasping blindly for anything)
I reach deep into this feeling (This burning desire)
that makes all humans fall apart. (And puts gods to their knees)
Falling deeper into you, (More than you'll ever know)
I've forsaken Heaven. (To find you)
Fallen Angel. (Come back to me.)"
It was eerie and heartbreaking to watch him. His song played...
But here my beloved singer was before me...
With his desparate eyes with a mouth that had nothing coming from it.
I looked deeply back into his eyes and shook my head in more denial as I began to form tears in my eyes.
"What...what have I done?"
--
Author's note: Hi guys! Sorry for this fic being way too dramatic, but I can help it. Hope you guys liked it!
Aching Desire.
(Nagareboshi 3)
By Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 5 - "Nani...nani o shita ka?' ('What...what have I done?')
As the more songs played, the more I sank into my seat. I thought I was almost there, but then I shook my head as my lips pursed in annoyance at Fate. For you know what she did?
She played Nagareboshi for me. How sweet.
The song I had made with Ryuichi in this hotel was coming back to me. "You are so near, yet so far from me," I had whispered to him.
I even held him almost in tears wondering about him leaving for America that night after the concert. He would think that there is nothing more to us.
Well, that's what I had thought...
...until he gave me kumogorou as his guarantee...
"Nagareboshi" was still playing as I paid the driver an indecent sum and walked as quickly as I could in my sick condition. And since it was what time in the morning, the street was somewhat quiet.
It echoed off the building in the distance. But to me, the song's words and music were very clear.
It was playing in my head like a mantra along with my heartbeat following its fast tempo.
"I'll jump off the ledge for you too!" he had shouted to the audience.
I pressed the 'up' button of the elevator and entered as soon as it opened before me.
The floor numbers rose and I felt like gravity was pushing my heart further and further.
"Calm down, Tatsuha," I whispered to myself like a lunatic on the loose.
I am.
I almost laughed as I stood in that elevator.
I walked quickly towards his door as the elevator opened before me. I was coughing and my body felt like hell itself enclosed, but I found myself running.
I have to get there on time. I have to get there on time. I have to get there on time...
Knock, knock.
How will I say sorry to you, Ryuichi? How can we get through this?
I can't say goodbye-
Will you forgive me?
Click.
Ryuichi stood before me in pajamas and a tired face. He rubbed his eyes with one hand while the other held his infamous Kumagorou firmly.
"Ryuichi...I'm-" I started to say.
He glared at me like a child who had just lost their best friend.
Yes, I know...
I took him away from you.
I'm competing against myself, don't you know that?
He took a hold of my arm and threw me to the ground. And it was even harsher because he couldn't say anything.
But his eyes made up for half of the share his voice cannot cover at the moment.
I sat on the ground too stunned to do anything.
He started to kneel on the ground. When he did, he threw Kumogorou at my chest.
But then, I felt his fists softly pounding on my heart too.
My eyes had been closed the whole time and I had really expected to be beaten for what I had done. It was not a fair judgment though. I needed more torture for my guilt to go away.
Plip, plop.
His tears landed on my cheeks as if I had cried myself. With his eyes tightly shut, his mouth wanted to shout, "TATSUHA! BAAAKAAAAA!!!!"
I could hear his voice clear in my mind though...
I then looked at the empty hallway and got up. I took my idol into my arms and found the strength to lift him up.
He shook his head slowly in protest, but then, as I entered the room, I held him firmly.
I finally heard the radio station playing the Nittle Grasper songs that it had promised for the night.
The door closed in back of me and I leaned upon it. Slipping to the ground, I held Ryuichi tightly in my lap as I whispered over and over, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."
And he continued to sob.
My god has gone crazy...
For this unworthy person...
For an instant, a portion of my life flashed over my mind as I thought about the time that Ryuichi had jumped into my arms at the airport. After that day, he took me to the beach to spend a vacation with me...
"I don't know what I'd ever do if I couldn't have you, Tatsuha..." his voice trailed off.
The wind blew as he leaned his arms on the railing of the balcony of his beach house over looking the sea.
I had gotten some tea for both of us to drink and came back to him saying that. He didn't even turn his head. But he looked so serious in contemplation with his hands folded.
His knuckles were turning white...
I laughed at him. "Why would you say something like that, Ryuichi?" I answered as I walked towards him.
"You're my Kumogorou. I can't give you back. I can't go back to the way I used to be."
As I stood next to him, he still looked out to the sea before him as I blinked my eyes with a loss for words.
"Ryuichi..." I leaned my head on his shoulder.
That's what I had thought when I first saw you perform in a concert...
The memory began to haze as I held onto him.
You always know what you want, Ryuichi. That's something with experience, I guess. I don't know much about life yet...
But there was only one thing I was sure of: You.
I don't know why.
The person who took fate in his hands and twisted it for himself...
He's collapsed into my arms.
I...I did this to him.
I shook my head as I kissed his hair over and over. "Please forgive me, Ryuichi. I promise I won't let this happen again."
He pushed me lightly away.
At that moment, my ears heard the words as Ryuichi looked at me with a lost and forsaken expression in his eyes. Putting his hands over my ears, my eyes opened in horror.
I then saw what was under his sleeves. He guiltily held out his wrists with a 'little kid lost' look.
It was only then did I finally understand what Shuichi had meant...
The white gauze was starting to come out both of his arms...
With splotches of blood everywhere...
Ryuichi then tilted his head sweetly at me and sang in lip sync to "Fallen Angel"'s last lyrics,
"Through the shadows of myself (Grasping blindly for anything)
I reach deep into this feeling (This burning desire)
that makes all humans fall apart. (And puts gods to their knees)
Falling deeper into you, (More than you'll ever know)
I've forsaken Heaven. (To find you)
Fallen Angel. (Come back to me.)"
It was eerie and heartbreaking to watch him. His song played...
But here my beloved singer was before me...
With his desparate eyes with a mouth that had nothing coming from it.
I looked deeply back into his eyes and shook my head in more denial as I began to form tears in my eyes.
"What...what have I done?"
--
Author's note: Hi guys! Sorry for this fic being way too dramatic, but I can help it. Hope you guys liked it!