Disclaimer: Gravitation is by Maki Murakami-sensei. This is a form of love and appreciation to her for this work. I can only hope it's worthy.
Aching Desire
(Nagareboshi 3)
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 33 – Insecurity.
As I walked quickly out of the front door, I was a little surprised to find it dark. I smiled though I cringed a bit as my side hurt.
When I opened the front gate, someone held their arm out to me. "And just where do you think you're going?"
The person turned around and faced me. "Hello, Tatsuha."
"Suguru!" I shouted with surprise. "What are you doing here? Hiro said you were filling in for Touma-san at a meeting."
He peered down to my side. "You explain about that first."
"You never miss much." I sighed.
We walked towards his car.
After he closed his door, he looked to the back. As he drove onto the street, he asked, "So, what's happened?"
"Simple question. Complicated answer," I sighed as I glanced at him.
"I knew my cousin came here even though he tried not to tell me. But I knew better. So, I just looked at the proposal, rejected it due to various reasons, and came here. I can't believe they wasted my time."
He kept his hands on the steering wheel and turned. "I came to the hospital and found out the story."
"I didn't tell anyone where I went."
He poked my head with his eyes still on the road. That was something he definitely learned from Hiro.
"You are as predictable as night and day, Tatsuha," he answered matter-of-factly. Then he laughed, "Unfortunately, because we love you, you can never _ever_ run away from us."
"Touma-san pushed me to the wall when he went on zero-mode." I looked down to the floor. "And this was the result."
"Ah."
"Why did you pick me up?" I asked as I leaned back on the seat.
His hand twitched a bit. "I had to tell you something."
Then, he sighed as he took out a cigarette from his jacket pocket. It was a habit he had recently picked up when he was truly stressed.
"It was better than popping a vein and shouting like a little kid," he had once told me.
"You didn't have to run away, Tatsuha."
Then, he got off the road. Suguru parked and stopped the engine.
Turning to me, he patted my shoulder gently. "I know you thought it was for the best, but you've got to understand that there is also another person when you love someone."
I looked at him deeply as he faced the road again and leaned back in his seat with his hands folded. With a thoughtful look, he finally said through the silence, "It would be an almost perfect world if everyone we loved, loved us back. Then, there would be no poems or songs about unrequited love."
He turned to me again with a saddened face. "But no. Things don't happen that way."
Weirdly, he didn't smoke the cigarettes. Suguru looked at them intently.
"Did you know that these are Hiro's favorite brand?" he questioned as he chuckled a bit.
I shook my head. I never noticed it at all.
I only knew what my brother smoked.
Then, he told me:
"I told him, 'You can't always help Shuichi out. There will come a time when you won't have an answer for him, Hiro.'
He looked at me in shock as he strung his guitar.
Everyone had left the studio and we were left there.
I didn't do it out of jealousy. I did it because I couldn't bear seeing him that way while playing 'Anti-Nostalgic'."
At that moment I blinked my eyes even though Suguru avoided my gaze.
After a deep sigh and rubbing the cigarette box gently with his fingers, he continued:
"He looked at me with nothing to say and so we sat there in silence.
It seemed like an eternity and I was feeling uneasy.
But because I wanted to be honest with him, I told him with my eyes still holding their gaze on him, 'Shuichi doesn't love you, Hiro.'
In those stupid dramas or movies, this was just one of those perfect scenes. Go for the person on the rebound.
But I couldn't do that. I played fair.
He knew that as well as I did.
How I was. How Shuichi was.
As I got up, he grabbed my hand. I looked at him plainly, annoyed almost. 'Yes?'
'And you obviously do,' he responded.
But it held no emotion. He didn't say it as if it were good.
Yet, he didn't say it as if it were bad either.
That didn't help me on my next move.
It was my turn to be surprised.
He had known all along. Even with my poker face, he knew.
I think that's why I loved him so much. He was just quietly observant like that.
'Let go of me,' I commanded while twisting my wrist free.
More than anything, to hurt my pride was equal to death itself.
'No,' he stubbornly said.
Something I had not expected at all because this was Hiro, right? Calm and cool as always. He never can betray his emotions or be impolite unless provoked.
Then, he grabbed me and hugged my waist. He wasn't crying, but that was because he couldn't anymore. He was thinking.
I just knelt down and hugged him."
Suguru looked up towards me and smiled melancholically as I sighed.
He had tears in his eyes.
His voice cracked as he gulped. "Even when he tells me not to worry, I still do. Even though it hurt my pride, I chose to be with Hiro."
With a sigh, he tried to keep the quivering smile as he said, "I'll always feel like I'm second to Shuichi."
That stabbed my heart…
I took a deep breath as I looked away.
"Because I cannot erase that. Shuichi is a part of him already." Then, he patted my hand. "Like you are part of Ryuichi. And Ryuichi is a part of you."
It all finally made sense to me.
When I heard what my father and Suguru had said, it was then that I knew why I had done everything to push Ryuichi away from me, no matter how painful it was to the both of us.
Sometimes, I just needed to see things from the outside…
Why had I been so stupid…
Telling Ryuichi that he lied about being with me for always.
When all this time, I knew…
It was because of my own insecurity.
After that long silence, I then said to Suguru, "It was because I thought all this time, 'Why did he have to be with me? Of all the people in the freakin' world, why'd he have to choose this fan?'"
I clenched my hands as if that would help what I wanted to say. "I wasn't worthy of being with him. That's what went through my mind all the time.
And no matter how stupid it sounded, it always bothered me. It depressed me even though he would tell me a billion times over the phone or to my ear that he loved me. I felt like I was bringing him down. The idol of Japan would drop everything just to have…me."
I shook my head, "Something inside me wouldn't believe it."
Suguru replied, "You made Ryuichi a better person. You should have heard the stories about how stressed Touma was over Ryuichi being even more reckless than he was before."
"…" I couldn't think of anything to reply with.
So, we sat there again not saying anything to one another. Then, Suguru turned on the engine again and drove on.
All he could say was,
"But Ryuichi returns your love."
As we drove into the parking lot, I finally thought of a response to tell Suguru.
"Thank you," I told him as I got out of the car.
Across the roof, he looked back at me and answered, "No problem."
We walked towards the hospital. While thinking of my father, I sighed as I repeated Suguru's own words to him:
"It _would_ be an almost perfect world if everyone we loved, loved us back. Then, there would be no poems or songs about unrequited love."
I then added as I glanced at him, "But that would be sad. Love wouldn't mean as much, now would it? You are the only one who tells yourself if you want to become stronger or weaker because of it."
He nodded solemnly.
As we walked down the hall towards Ryuichi's door, Suguru gave me an extra, yet light push with a smile on his face. He didn't have to tell me anything anymore.
I could see it on his face, but then he put his hands into his pockets as he turned around to leave.
"Hey, wait. Where are you going?" I asked confused.
"Home," he answered quietly.
With a shy smile, he then said, "Hiro's waiting for me."
I nodded as he turned around to go.
He does love you, Suguru.
You just don't see it yet…
I turned around and we went our separate ways.
We were both the almost the same age. And yet, the levels we walked upon were at different paths of life.
Because of who we were,
what and who we loved,
and what loved us back or not…
It made us mature in these two years alone
To what we had become and will be in the future.
I then took a hold of the knob of Ryuichi's room.
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: I didn't know I put 'you liar' from zetsuai until the next chapter. It kind of upset me that I used someone else's idea. * sighs * Trying to be so original and then that happened. Yes, I know I'm very harsh to myself, but I know that's one of the reasons why I write and you read. There's something different…
Sorry for the delay as usual and I left, but so many things came up. And when you expect so much from a fic…well, it's nerve-racking. It doesn't help that it takes me super long to do this fic. I'm slow like that. I just hope I'm able to pull it off.
(Oh, and this is to you the fanboy of Suguru. ^_~)
Aching Desire
(Nagareboshi 3)
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 33 – Insecurity.
As I walked quickly out of the front door, I was a little surprised to find it dark. I smiled though I cringed a bit as my side hurt.
When I opened the front gate, someone held their arm out to me. "And just where do you think you're going?"
The person turned around and faced me. "Hello, Tatsuha."
"Suguru!" I shouted with surprise. "What are you doing here? Hiro said you were filling in for Touma-san at a meeting."
He peered down to my side. "You explain about that first."
"You never miss much." I sighed.
We walked towards his car.
After he closed his door, he looked to the back. As he drove onto the street, he asked, "So, what's happened?"
"Simple question. Complicated answer," I sighed as I glanced at him.
"I knew my cousin came here even though he tried not to tell me. But I knew better. So, I just looked at the proposal, rejected it due to various reasons, and came here. I can't believe they wasted my time."
He kept his hands on the steering wheel and turned. "I came to the hospital and found out the story."
"I didn't tell anyone where I went."
He poked my head with his eyes still on the road. That was something he definitely learned from Hiro.
"You are as predictable as night and day, Tatsuha," he answered matter-of-factly. Then he laughed, "Unfortunately, because we love you, you can never _ever_ run away from us."
"Touma-san pushed me to the wall when he went on zero-mode." I looked down to the floor. "And this was the result."
"Ah."
"Why did you pick me up?" I asked as I leaned back on the seat.
His hand twitched a bit. "I had to tell you something."
Then, he sighed as he took out a cigarette from his jacket pocket. It was a habit he had recently picked up when he was truly stressed.
"It was better than popping a vein and shouting like a little kid," he had once told me.
"You didn't have to run away, Tatsuha."
Then, he got off the road. Suguru parked and stopped the engine.
Turning to me, he patted my shoulder gently. "I know you thought it was for the best, but you've got to understand that there is also another person when you love someone."
I looked at him deeply as he faced the road again and leaned back in his seat with his hands folded. With a thoughtful look, he finally said through the silence, "It would be an almost perfect world if everyone we loved, loved us back. Then, there would be no poems or songs about unrequited love."
He turned to me again with a saddened face. "But no. Things don't happen that way."
Weirdly, he didn't smoke the cigarettes. Suguru looked at them intently.
"Did you know that these are Hiro's favorite brand?" he questioned as he chuckled a bit.
I shook my head. I never noticed it at all.
I only knew what my brother smoked.
Then, he told me:
"I told him, 'You can't always help Shuichi out. There will come a time when you won't have an answer for him, Hiro.'
He looked at me in shock as he strung his guitar.
Everyone had left the studio and we were left there.
I didn't do it out of jealousy. I did it because I couldn't bear seeing him that way while playing 'Anti-Nostalgic'."
At that moment I blinked my eyes even though Suguru avoided my gaze.
After a deep sigh and rubbing the cigarette box gently with his fingers, he continued:
"He looked at me with nothing to say and so we sat there in silence.
It seemed like an eternity and I was feeling uneasy.
But because I wanted to be honest with him, I told him with my eyes still holding their gaze on him, 'Shuichi doesn't love you, Hiro.'
In those stupid dramas or movies, this was just one of those perfect scenes. Go for the person on the rebound.
But I couldn't do that. I played fair.
He knew that as well as I did.
How I was. How Shuichi was.
As I got up, he grabbed my hand. I looked at him plainly, annoyed almost. 'Yes?'
'And you obviously do,' he responded.
But it held no emotion. He didn't say it as if it were good.
Yet, he didn't say it as if it were bad either.
That didn't help me on my next move.
It was my turn to be surprised.
He had known all along. Even with my poker face, he knew.
I think that's why I loved him so much. He was just quietly observant like that.
'Let go of me,' I commanded while twisting my wrist free.
More than anything, to hurt my pride was equal to death itself.
'No,' he stubbornly said.
Something I had not expected at all because this was Hiro, right? Calm and cool as always. He never can betray his emotions or be impolite unless provoked.
Then, he grabbed me and hugged my waist. He wasn't crying, but that was because he couldn't anymore. He was thinking.
I just knelt down and hugged him."
Suguru looked up towards me and smiled melancholically as I sighed.
He had tears in his eyes.
His voice cracked as he gulped. "Even when he tells me not to worry, I still do. Even though it hurt my pride, I chose to be with Hiro."
With a sigh, he tried to keep the quivering smile as he said, "I'll always feel like I'm second to Shuichi."
That stabbed my heart…
I took a deep breath as I looked away.
"Because I cannot erase that. Shuichi is a part of him already." Then, he patted my hand. "Like you are part of Ryuichi. And Ryuichi is a part of you."
It all finally made sense to me.
When I heard what my father and Suguru had said, it was then that I knew why I had done everything to push Ryuichi away from me, no matter how painful it was to the both of us.
Sometimes, I just needed to see things from the outside…
Why had I been so stupid…
Telling Ryuichi that he lied about being with me for always.
When all this time, I knew…
It was because of my own insecurity.
After that long silence, I then said to Suguru, "It was because I thought all this time, 'Why did he have to be with me? Of all the people in the freakin' world, why'd he have to choose this fan?'"
I clenched my hands as if that would help what I wanted to say. "I wasn't worthy of being with him. That's what went through my mind all the time.
And no matter how stupid it sounded, it always bothered me. It depressed me even though he would tell me a billion times over the phone or to my ear that he loved me. I felt like I was bringing him down. The idol of Japan would drop everything just to have…me."
I shook my head, "Something inside me wouldn't believe it."
Suguru replied, "You made Ryuichi a better person. You should have heard the stories about how stressed Touma was over Ryuichi being even more reckless than he was before."
"…" I couldn't think of anything to reply with.
So, we sat there again not saying anything to one another. Then, Suguru turned on the engine again and drove on.
All he could say was,
"But Ryuichi returns your love."
As we drove into the parking lot, I finally thought of a response to tell Suguru.
"Thank you," I told him as I got out of the car.
Across the roof, he looked back at me and answered, "No problem."
We walked towards the hospital. While thinking of my father, I sighed as I repeated Suguru's own words to him:
"It _would_ be an almost perfect world if everyone we loved, loved us back. Then, there would be no poems or songs about unrequited love."
I then added as I glanced at him, "But that would be sad. Love wouldn't mean as much, now would it? You are the only one who tells yourself if you want to become stronger or weaker because of it."
He nodded solemnly.
As we walked down the hall towards Ryuichi's door, Suguru gave me an extra, yet light push with a smile on his face. He didn't have to tell me anything anymore.
I could see it on his face, but then he put his hands into his pockets as he turned around to leave.
"Hey, wait. Where are you going?" I asked confused.
"Home," he answered quietly.
With a shy smile, he then said, "Hiro's waiting for me."
I nodded as he turned around to go.
He does love you, Suguru.
You just don't see it yet…
I turned around and we went our separate ways.
We were both the almost the same age. And yet, the levels we walked upon were at different paths of life.
Because of who we were,
what and who we loved,
and what loved us back or not…
It made us mature in these two years alone
To what we had become and will be in the future.
I then took a hold of the knob of Ryuichi's room.
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: I didn't know I put 'you liar' from zetsuai until the next chapter. It kind of upset me that I used someone else's idea. * sighs * Trying to be so original and then that happened. Yes, I know I'm very harsh to myself, but I know that's one of the reasons why I write and you read. There's something different…
Sorry for the delay as usual and I left, but so many things came up. And when you expect so much from a fic…well, it's nerve-racking. It doesn't help that it takes me super long to do this fic. I'm slow like that. I just hope I'm able to pull it off.
(Oh, and this is to you the fanboy of Suguru. ^_~)