Ok this fic is a pointless comedy, read it if you want. This fic was
written by me and Azel (ff.net username)!!!
CHAPTER ONE
Emily :THE ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILDBEASTS ATTACK, WHO CAN SAVE US, well hang on lets see Zeus is busy, so's Hades, so is misty training her water pokemon! Becca who can help us?
Becca: Tried Ra yet? Damn busy too, doesn't anyone care enough to free us from the terrors of the ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILDBEASTS? Dear oh dear what can we do. Is there no escape? Everyone will be forced to. Hey wait, you don't even KNOW what the ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILDBEAST are?! Where have you been. Hey Em, these guys don't even know who the ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILDBEAST are
Emily: Honestly these people don't know anything, I mean what kind of people have we been given as an audience. Well the basic story is this -
Becca: Look you don't need to ramble on and on and on. Just shuts up for a minute and let me explain. As you see the -
Emily: Don't you tell me to shut up, I'm better at a lot more things than you like, um like, oh just get on with the story.
Becca: 'Bout time too. Come on then, here it goes.
Emily: Well the ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILDBEASTS in legend were meant to have a good taste in music, they like slipknot, nickelback, smashing pumpkins and some liked nirvana.
Becca: Do you really think the audience gives a damn in their taste of flippin' music. Come on they wanna hear the proper story not something made up by an 80 year old bloke after a night at the pub.
Emily: Well I know they liked those bands, trust me I read it in a book, um thinking back it was called 'The total misleading guide to history' anyway you know more about them, over to you Becca!
Becca: *rolls eyes* Well anyway 'The total misleading guide to history probably mislead you. Well as you've heard there were and still are these things called ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILD BEASTS, they had the usual plans for world domination, kidnap a few people blow up a building while standing in the middle of it and the usual unsuccessful plans. But like the majority of bad guys they were stupidly thick. There stupidly led them to a chemical factory. The band of ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILD BEASTS that went were hungry and looking for something to eat, they saw the green stuff oozing out from under the building a decided to taste it -
Emily: Ho nasty, how did that one end?
Becca: Well, after eating the liquid it shocked them with something compl0etly unknown to them. Intelligence and super powers. Somehow it affect the intire race and hence, we have, the elusive intelligent ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILD BEASTS.
Emily: Ok I'm following, so like I suppose we are meant to be frightened of these guys,*whispers* but I think we should scram cos there is something or someone in that doorway, that doesn't look pleased to see us.
Becca: Are you sure you're not seeing things. Um, oh yeah, uhhh I think now might be a good time to get the hell outta here.
Emily: Right, three exits, all filled with angry people, swords out lets try to beat them.
Becca: Sure, let's go. Hey wait, what IS that thing, it's getting kinda close
Emily: Well it's not a plaid wildbeast that's for sure, look it's wearing a black cloak.
Becca: Yeah, erm hi black cloaked thing, are you considering turning us into maggot fodder?
Emily: Yeah like, I'm not ready to die yet and I don't appreciate people who try to kill me, and I get angry when people try to kill me when I'm not ready, I mean if I die now I won't be able to read the next issue of Kerrang, now that would be torture.
Becca: Well anyway thing-in-the-black-clock to you mind not eating us today. As you see we need to read our next issue of Kerrang and i haven't managed to go completely insane from playing eternal darkness yet and i also haven't had chance to listen to my new slipknot album. As you see these things are very important. As I'm sure you understand we'll be going now.
*loud explosion comes from exit number 3, body parts promptly fly through the air*
Raven: Bloody ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILDBEAST they sure know how to make a mess. Place is surround by the dammed things. And another one, you know that cloak really doesn't hide you, you know *promptly slices hooded figures head off*
Bree: Hey wait for me, how many times have I told you Raven, don't go head first into things.
Emily: Hang on, you, the one thats just come down, how exactly did you jump off that platform right up there *points to platform near the ceiling* without breaking your neck, you two look like people who'd read the kerrang magazine, any chance that either of you has the new issue?
Becca: Well have you? Its getting dammed hard to find stockists now its sells out so fast. Anyway what the hell are you doing here and have you even ever heard of a door you know something you are supposed to enter and exit a building using.
Bree: Yeah Raven, have you seen my issue of Kerrang or did that person take it when we were in Newcastle in that pub?
Raven: You mean that one? Oh well, I did deposit of the body afterwards anyway. Ah damn you Bree *kicks her and hisses in her ear* Your not supposed to mention about the pub technically were underage, you know people these days they don't understand the whole thing about the immortal crap.
Bree: Oops sorry, it's hard to forget, we live such a action packed life, killing all these people and all, and what's a door?
Becca: Dear god, I can't be bothered to explain, but it's something to enter and exit stuff using. Because NORMAL people dont use windows walls et cetera.
Raven: Look, do you want your death certificate early or something because if you dont I would shut up. However you will have to explain to us what this 'door' is. Bree have you seen my Maiden album I'm sure I had it with me. Grrrr. if that dammed man in Newcastle has it he's gonna die...
Bree: No I haven't seen it, and that man in Newcastle is ALREADY dead, remember he gambled his life in that game of cards, and I won.
Emily: Well that sounds brilliant, oh by the way nice swords, mines not as nice as yours, anyways doors are opening in walls, maybe you've seen them and you walk through them to get between walls.
Bree: But isn't it easier just to go through them, it doesn't hurt much, dropping from roofs is my favourite but of course you have to get up there first.
Raven: You two are extremely odd, I find blasting down walls is actually pretty effective, of course you could go through them, but that means you have to go in and out if there's no wall there's not problem. Hmmm, how about we take a trip up to Newcastle and raise that man as undead and let me slaughter him again. Life todays is so sad, it's becoming increasingly hard to get a place with a build in torture chamber.
Becca: Torture... Fun may I ask which methods you use?
Raven: Ahhhh, that takes me back to the good old days, well carving someone using a dagger is usually pretty effective. You have to do it slowly though. Then there's water torture, and driving them insane is always fun. One of my favourites however is the pit and the pendulum, what you do is -
Bree: I don't think the kids want to hear it Raven, now if you would just excuse me, I see something interesting up on the platform and I might be able the make an add on to my sword, everything's gone a tad rusty since I put that skull of it.
Raven: Bree is there anything you haven't added to your sword yet. It's no good for the blade you know, and did the skull still have the maggots in?
Bree: The maggots, oh no, I left them in Newcastle, my poor, poor maggots, all alone with that idiot in Newcastle.
Emily: Is there anything you want to tell us, may be about why you're here.
Bree: Of course, we want to be part of that script, we want to beat the plaid monster things.
Raven: And will there be a suitable reward if we kill the annoying plaid beasts.
Becca: Well... Hmmm, what is this 'payment' you speak of?
Emily: A lifetime's subscription to Kerrang?
Raven: For each of us of course, I refuse to share with some elf scum. And then of course is the lifetimes supply of humans to murder and my own torture chamber, and then all the latest metal CD's. It a fair deal because we're the only ones who can kill these beasts and if we don't kill them they'll enslave the planet.
Becca: Um... Emily what do you think? Should we make a deal with these nutters.
Emily: No I wouldn't call them nutters, they're cool, especially Bree's sword, I haven't seen much of Ravens.
Bree: Ok for you, is it Emily? I'll make you a sword the same as mine.
Raven: My sword is much finer than Brees, a deadly killing weapon if I say so myself. So is it a deal, we rid planet of the beasts, you pay us. Agreed?
Becca: I'm not happy about the price, but we haven't got any choice. Well Raven, Bree. It's a deal
Raven: Good, kid. I assure you we will do a good job. Bree, ready lets head outta this place and get ourselves some spork flinging wild beast.
END OF CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER ONE
Emily :THE ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILDBEASTS ATTACK, WHO CAN SAVE US, well hang on lets see Zeus is busy, so's Hades, so is misty training her water pokemon! Becca who can help us?
Becca: Tried Ra yet? Damn busy too, doesn't anyone care enough to free us from the terrors of the ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILDBEASTS? Dear oh dear what can we do. Is there no escape? Everyone will be forced to. Hey wait, you don't even KNOW what the ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILDBEAST are?! Where have you been. Hey Em, these guys don't even know who the ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILDBEAST are
Emily: Honestly these people don't know anything, I mean what kind of people have we been given as an audience. Well the basic story is this -
Becca: Look you don't need to ramble on and on and on. Just shuts up for a minute and let me explain. As you see the -
Emily: Don't you tell me to shut up, I'm better at a lot more things than you like, um like, oh just get on with the story.
Becca: 'Bout time too. Come on then, here it goes.
Emily: Well the ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILDBEASTS in legend were meant to have a good taste in music, they like slipknot, nickelback, smashing pumpkins and some liked nirvana.
Becca: Do you really think the audience gives a damn in their taste of flippin' music. Come on they wanna hear the proper story not something made up by an 80 year old bloke after a night at the pub.
Emily: Well I know they liked those bands, trust me I read it in a book, um thinking back it was called 'The total misleading guide to history' anyway you know more about them, over to you Becca!
Becca: *rolls eyes* Well anyway 'The total misleading guide to history probably mislead you. Well as you've heard there were and still are these things called ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILD BEASTS, they had the usual plans for world domination, kidnap a few people blow up a building while standing in the middle of it and the usual unsuccessful plans. But like the majority of bad guys they were stupidly thick. There stupidly led them to a chemical factory. The band of ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILD BEASTS that went were hungry and looking for something to eat, they saw the green stuff oozing out from under the building a decided to taste it -
Emily: Ho nasty, how did that one end?
Becca: Well, after eating the liquid it shocked them with something compl0etly unknown to them. Intelligence and super powers. Somehow it affect the intire race and hence, we have, the elusive intelligent ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILD BEASTS.
Emily: Ok I'm following, so like I suppose we are meant to be frightened of these guys,*whispers* but I think we should scram cos there is something or someone in that doorway, that doesn't look pleased to see us.
Becca: Are you sure you're not seeing things. Um, oh yeah, uhhh I think now might be a good time to get the hell outta here.
Emily: Right, three exits, all filled with angry people, swords out lets try to beat them.
Becca: Sure, let's go. Hey wait, what IS that thing, it's getting kinda close
Emily: Well it's not a plaid wildbeast that's for sure, look it's wearing a black cloak.
Becca: Yeah, erm hi black cloaked thing, are you considering turning us into maggot fodder?
Emily: Yeah like, I'm not ready to die yet and I don't appreciate people who try to kill me, and I get angry when people try to kill me when I'm not ready, I mean if I die now I won't be able to read the next issue of Kerrang, now that would be torture.
Becca: Well anyway thing-in-the-black-clock to you mind not eating us today. As you see we need to read our next issue of Kerrang and i haven't managed to go completely insane from playing eternal darkness yet and i also haven't had chance to listen to my new slipknot album. As you see these things are very important. As I'm sure you understand we'll be going now.
*loud explosion comes from exit number 3, body parts promptly fly through the air*
Raven: Bloody ANGRY SPORK FLINGING PLAID WILDBEAST they sure know how to make a mess. Place is surround by the dammed things. And another one, you know that cloak really doesn't hide you, you know *promptly slices hooded figures head off*
Bree: Hey wait for me, how many times have I told you Raven, don't go head first into things.
Emily: Hang on, you, the one thats just come down, how exactly did you jump off that platform right up there *points to platform near the ceiling* without breaking your neck, you two look like people who'd read the kerrang magazine, any chance that either of you has the new issue?
Becca: Well have you? Its getting dammed hard to find stockists now its sells out so fast. Anyway what the hell are you doing here and have you even ever heard of a door you know something you are supposed to enter and exit a building using.
Bree: Yeah Raven, have you seen my issue of Kerrang or did that person take it when we were in Newcastle in that pub?
Raven: You mean that one? Oh well, I did deposit of the body afterwards anyway. Ah damn you Bree *kicks her and hisses in her ear* Your not supposed to mention about the pub technically were underage, you know people these days they don't understand the whole thing about the immortal crap.
Bree: Oops sorry, it's hard to forget, we live such a action packed life, killing all these people and all, and what's a door?
Becca: Dear god, I can't be bothered to explain, but it's something to enter and exit stuff using. Because NORMAL people dont use windows walls et cetera.
Raven: Look, do you want your death certificate early or something because if you dont I would shut up. However you will have to explain to us what this 'door' is. Bree have you seen my Maiden album I'm sure I had it with me. Grrrr. if that dammed man in Newcastle has it he's gonna die...
Bree: No I haven't seen it, and that man in Newcastle is ALREADY dead, remember he gambled his life in that game of cards, and I won.
Emily: Well that sounds brilliant, oh by the way nice swords, mines not as nice as yours, anyways doors are opening in walls, maybe you've seen them and you walk through them to get between walls.
Bree: But isn't it easier just to go through them, it doesn't hurt much, dropping from roofs is my favourite but of course you have to get up there first.
Raven: You two are extremely odd, I find blasting down walls is actually pretty effective, of course you could go through them, but that means you have to go in and out if there's no wall there's not problem. Hmmm, how about we take a trip up to Newcastle and raise that man as undead and let me slaughter him again. Life todays is so sad, it's becoming increasingly hard to get a place with a build in torture chamber.
Becca: Torture... Fun may I ask which methods you use?
Raven: Ahhhh, that takes me back to the good old days, well carving someone using a dagger is usually pretty effective. You have to do it slowly though. Then there's water torture, and driving them insane is always fun. One of my favourites however is the pit and the pendulum, what you do is -
Bree: I don't think the kids want to hear it Raven, now if you would just excuse me, I see something interesting up on the platform and I might be able the make an add on to my sword, everything's gone a tad rusty since I put that skull of it.
Raven: Bree is there anything you haven't added to your sword yet. It's no good for the blade you know, and did the skull still have the maggots in?
Bree: The maggots, oh no, I left them in Newcastle, my poor, poor maggots, all alone with that idiot in Newcastle.
Emily: Is there anything you want to tell us, may be about why you're here.
Bree: Of course, we want to be part of that script, we want to beat the plaid monster things.
Raven: And will there be a suitable reward if we kill the annoying plaid beasts.
Becca: Well... Hmmm, what is this 'payment' you speak of?
Emily: A lifetime's subscription to Kerrang?
Raven: For each of us of course, I refuse to share with some elf scum. And then of course is the lifetimes supply of humans to murder and my own torture chamber, and then all the latest metal CD's. It a fair deal because we're the only ones who can kill these beasts and if we don't kill them they'll enslave the planet.
Becca: Um... Emily what do you think? Should we make a deal with these nutters.
Emily: No I wouldn't call them nutters, they're cool, especially Bree's sword, I haven't seen much of Ravens.
Bree: Ok for you, is it Emily? I'll make you a sword the same as mine.
Raven: My sword is much finer than Brees, a deadly killing weapon if I say so myself. So is it a deal, we rid planet of the beasts, you pay us. Agreed?
Becca: I'm not happy about the price, but we haven't got any choice. Well Raven, Bree. It's a deal
Raven: Good, kid. I assure you we will do a good job. Bree, ready lets head outta this place and get ourselves some spork flinging wild beast.
END OF CHAPTER 1