She is gone.
When my mother died everything changed it was like someone put huge blanket over our house and everything became very quiet at lease during the day. At night I could hear my dad crying, sobbing, cursing the heaven and asking my mother over and over again why she had left him when she had promised that she never would.
I was six years old and my brother was only two when my mother died it was very clear to me even as a little girl that things would never be the same again. My dad changed it was like all his strength was gone my uncle later told me that my mother had been the strength of my fathers life. She had been the only one who could get through to him she could melt his heart just by looking at him.
They met when they were in high school and even though they broke up a couple off times they always found their way back to each other. And even then they dating other people they still remained friends maybe that is why her death hurt my father so much because this time he had lost her forever and there was nothing he could say or do that would ever change that. When mom got sick she refused to let it change our lives but in the end she was so weak that she couldn't drive me to school or take me to the park like she use to. Sometimes my mom and me used sit in the kitchen and talk about everything and nothing she said it was important to make time of girl talk. She could make me laugh just by looking at me and she could make me cry when she read me "The little Mermaid" it's still my favourite story.
Then she was pregnant with my brother Sean she used to make these picnics for just the two of us. She would tell me about when she and dad were in high school and about when she lived in London and worked as an actress and about all the things she and my uncle used to do when they were younger. I loved hearing these stories but in the end she was to weak for us to go anywhere so she would lie in bed and my brother and I would sit next to her when she told these stories. My dad was never part of this I think it was too painful for him.
The day before she died she told us who dad had asked her to marry him. She had told me the story before but I loved to hear it.
Brenda I was wondering if you could take the day of tomorrow and we could do something for the day. I think so but why? Is something wrong? Can't a guy ask his girlfriend to spend the day with him without something being wrong? Brenda walked over to him and kissed him and looked him straight in the eyes of cause I would love to spend the day with you.
Brenda come on its time to get up! Please just let me have five more minutes? No you can't you breakfast will get cold. What you made me breakfast that is so sweet thank you. They ate breakfast in bed together.
Are you ready to go Bren? Just one more minute and I'll be there where are we going? You haven't told me anything come on Bren its a surprise. Hand in hand they walked out of the apartment and over to the park. Come sit with me here Bren! What are we doing? Come on just sit down Brenda sat down next to him and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and kissed the top of her head. Remember when we used to do this in London we could spend a whole day just watching people. They spent hours that bench reading talking and looking at people who walked by.
Are you hungry Bren? A little why? Do you wanna go home and get some lunch? No I have a surprise for you Bren we are gonna have a picnic right here and later I have a few other surprises for you.
Come on give me a little hint please you know what I'm like. Okay then we have done it before and we have seen it before and that is all I'm gonna say. I have no idea please one? Okay this is the last hint it was our first time.
I'm sorry but that is not a surprise I was kind of hoping for that well then you better go home then because you need to get ready what do you mean by getting ready? I'm really confused now. Good that is the whole idea! I'll be back later to pick you up okay. Brenda looked at him very confused okay see you later they kissed and Brenda headed home.
Brenda got out for the shower wrapped in a towel and walked into their bedroom. On the bed was a box with a note it said, "Wear me". Brenda opened the box and inside was a black lace bra and matching nickers a pair of black stockings and a beautiful long sleeveless black dress with a high slid along the right leg. Brenda looked at it and smiled she put her make up on and put her hair up around neck she wore a silver necklace with a small diamond pendant. She put the dress on and went over to her closet to find a pair of shoes inside the closet was another box with a note saying "Don't forget these" inside was a beautiful black heels just as she put them on there was a knock at the door. She opened the door and looked at him, kissed and hugged him and whispered "Thank you" So I guess you are ready then?
Yes will you please tell me were we are going now? Yes but let me show you this first and out of his pocket he took two tickets and gave them to her do you remember these? She looked at them and tears started to form in her eyes I remember everything about that night in was the most romantic night of my life so we are going to see "Love Letters" and are we gonna give blood as well? Well that was the plan he said but there is more to come. After they had seen the play and given blood they walked home.
Hey Bren I wanna ask you something! Okay what do you wanna ask? You know I love you right and you are the one person in my life I have always been able to trust you have never deserted me or hurt me even though I have done that to you I trust you with my life and my heart and you are the only person I can imagine giving blood with! What I'm trying to say is this "Will you marry me Brenda Walsh?" Brenda looks at him with tear streaming down her cheeks "There is nothing I want more in this world so yes I will marry you".
When my mother had finished the story I went down to get her something to drink outside the bedroom up against the wall I saw my dad sitting with tears in his eyes. None of us knew he was there but I knew that he had heard my mom tell their story. That was the first time I ever saw my dad cry I knew he was devastated by my mom's illness but he tried to keep it from me and my brother. I sat down next to him and put my head against his arm and we cried in silence together.
That night we had a pizza party in my parent's bedroom we laughed we looked at pictures and ate too much pizza.
Later my dad gave my brother and I a bath, read us a story and put us to bed. After my dad had put Sean he helped my mom into my room to say goodnight. Most nights we would say goodnight to her in their bedroom because she was too weak but that night she came to me. She didn't say much but she never took her eyes of me she read me a small part of "The little Mermaid" and then she kissed me goodnight.
She told me that she loved me and that she was very proud of me and then she ran her hand gently across my face and said "See you later alligator" and I said "In a while crocodile" like we always did. When she went into Sean's room and said goodnight to him from my bed I could hear that she read some of "The ugly duckling" and she told him that she loved him too and that she was proud of him. Then she said goodnight to him like she always did she said" Sleep tight don't let the bedbugs bite". My dad carried her into their bedroom and gently put her down on the bed and lied down next to her I got out for my bed and I peeked into their bedroom. My mom laid her head on my dad's chest and smiled. I went back into my room but I could still hear them talking. I head my mummy tell my dad that she loves him my brother and me very much and that our family was the most important thing in her life. She told my dad that he had to stay strong and not let my brother and I forget her.
She said that dad shouldn't be to hard on my future boyfriends he laugh and said that he would chase them all away but mom told him to remember how hard granddad had been on him. Dad said that he needed her and that he couldn't go on without her and that she had to fight for their future. She said that if she had it her way we would be together forever but it wasn't up to her or dad. She told him to teach us to surf and to take us to Baja, London, Paris and Dublin and show us all the places where they had been together.
She told him to never forget how much she love him and that she always would and even though we couldn't see her she would always be there. The last thing I heard her say "Was please take care of my babies and make sure they are happy and that they know that I love them and know that I love you just as much" then my dad said "I love you too Bren" then everything was quiet. The next morning my grandmother woke me up at first I was so happy to see her but when I saw the look in her eyes I knew something was wrong.
She hugged me and kissed the top of my head and then she told me that mummy was gone. I couldn't understand what she meant why would mom leave she loved us. I started screaming and crying and calling out to my mummy but she didn't come instead my dad came into my room his eyes were swollen and red and there were tears running down his cheeks. I looked at him and asked him when mummy was coming home he looked at me and shook his head and said that mummy had gone to heaven to be with the angles "But why did she go to heaven?" I asked my daddy said it was because God wanted her there "But why daddy? I want mummy here with you, Sean and me" I know baby I want her here to but there is nothing I can do if I could bring her back I would but I can't. I started crying all over again and I threw myself into his arms he started crying too and Grandma Iris tried to comfort us.
Then I heard Sean crying and I saw my Aunt Andrea she was holding him trying to make him stop but there was nothing she could do. She looked at my daddy and then she looked at the floor and then back at daddy and said "He keeps asking for Brenda I don't know what to do" my daddy walked over to her and took Sean and he was able to calm him down.
My dad tried to explain to Sean what had happened but he didn't understand over the next few days he would look for mummy in the bedroom in the garden and call out for her. Grandma Iris stay with us the next few days she made us dinner and she tried to make us feel better but nothing helped.
My dad was silent most of the time he only spoke when he said goodnight to us and when he talked to my mummy in the middle of the night. He would cry the most of the night and he didn't sleep at all. Grandma Iris helped Sean and me write a letter to mummy and she put in mummy's casket for us. On the morning of the funeral she helped us get ready even daddy.
When we got to the church there were so many people I knew most of them but never led go of daddy's hand. Sean on Grandma Iris lap and Uncle Brandon and Aunt Andrea sat next to her I couldn't take my eyes of the casket I couldn't believe that my mummy was in there. I didn't hear anything that was going on until I saw Uncle Brandon stood up and began to talk. I talked to Brenda the day before she died we talked about a lot of things but mostly we talked about her family it was the most important thing in the world to her. She was so sad that she would have to leave them that she would never have a chance to see Emma and Sean graduate high school, or college or see them get married and have families of their own.
She worried about how her husband and her children would get through this and she told me to make sure that they knew what they meant to her but I think they already know. She knew we would all be sad today so she asked me to read this poem for you because it says what she wanted to if she could.
Remember me when I gone away.
Gone far away into the silent land.
When you can no more hold me by the hand.
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
You tell me of our future that you plann'd.
Only remember me; you understand.
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while.
And afterwards remember, do not grieve.
For if the darkness and corruption leave.
A vestige of the thoughts that I once had.,
Better by far you should forget and smile.
Than you should remember and be sad.
I didn't understand it all but I knew that mummy didn't want us to be sad all the time. When I look at my dad tears were dripping from his eyes but he didn't say anything when he saw I was looking at him he tried to smile but he fail.
When the priest asked if anybody wanted to say anything the room went quiet. Then my daddy stood up he looked at Sean and me then at Grandma Iris and then he spoke.
"When Brenda and I lived in London together we went everywhere. We would go to Scotland or Ireland for the weekend. Being there gave us more freedom to travel or just be together we had a good life in London. When we didn't have to work we would go to the park, to the art museum, just spend the day at home doing nothing or she would find old books with stories and poetry and we would read them together. She loved those days and when she came back to the States she brought all the books with her.
When she was pregnant with Emma she started reading HC Andersen's fairytales to her and she kept on reading them to her when she was born.
Emma loved it when Brenda would read "The little Mermaid" to her I tried to read it to her once but Emma kept saying "That's not how mummy does it" and I knew then that that was their thing together. Bren did the same thing with Sean and it breaks my heart to know that I will never be able to stand outside on of my children's bedroom and hear Bren reading and hearing them laugh.
When Brenda came into my life she was not like anybody I had ever met before she was beautiful, smart and had the biggest heart ever. She had the most amazing ability to forgive and she was loyal to the end.
There was nothing she wouldn't do for the people she loved and for her to cut you of it had to be really bad. She knew what she wanted and there was nothing anybody could say or do that would change her mind and when she was first told about the cancer her biggest concern wasn't her self but it was the children and I.
When the doctors told her that they couldn't cure her but that they could give her more time by giving her chemotherapy and radiation she said no. She didn't want the children to see her like that she wanted the time she had left to be peaceful, calm and as normal as possible. We would fight over this because I wanted her here with me and I didn't think about what that extra time would be like.
I'm grateful now that Bren got to do this her way that she was able to say goodnight to Emma and Sean for the last time and that we were able to lie on our bed and talk and that I was able to hold her when she passed away. I will always be grateful for the time I had with Brenda and I know she knows how much I love her and always will. I found this poem in her favourite book and I wanna read it for you."
Stop all the clocks cut of the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum.
Bring out the coffin and let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead.
Scribbling on the sky the message She is dead.
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves.
Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
She was my North, my South, my East and West.
My working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk my song.
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.
My daddy looked at Sean and me with tears in his eyes and then with his hand he placed kiss on the lid of casket and whispered "we'll miss you Bren." When he walked over sat back down next to me and I put my head on his chest and just held on as tight as I could.
Then my mummy's casket was carried out in to a waiting car grandma Iris carried Sean and my father carried me because I wouldn't let go of him.
We drove to the cemetery and I was still on my father's arm when I watched my mummy's casket being put in the ground. Over my daddy's shoulders I could see a man with slightly grey hair and sunglasses watching everything from under a tree he had been at the church as well but he hadn't said anything.
As everybody else turned to leave my daddy, grandma Iris, Sean and I stayed behind. Daddy didn't move he just looked at my mummy's casket.
Grandma Iris ran her hand across his shoulder and said "Dylan honey do you want sometime alone with her?" he looked up and whispered yes.
Sean Grandma Iris and I walked towards our car when I saw that man again and I asked her "Who is that man Grandma?" She stopped and looked at him for awhile then she walked over to him and stopped right in front of him. He took for his sunglasses and now I could see how who it was. Grandma didn't say anything at first but then she gave the man a hug and said, "I'm so glad you are here Jack." He smiled "Its good to see you too Iris! How is he?" Grandma looked down and said "I have never seen him like this all of his spirit and strength is gone I don't know what to do" Jack looked at her and said, "It looks like you are doing your best to help him and that's good."
Then I heard footstep behind me and I saw daddy coming up behind me. He stopped and frozen when he saw whom Grandma was talking to. Jack didn't say anything he just walked over to daddy and hugged him they didn't say anything they just hugged.
Then my daddy spoke "What are you doing here its too dangerous." Jack looked at him and said " I had to come just like I had to come to your wedding and just like I have watch you from a distance on the beach with Brenda and the kids." My daddy looked at him with such surprise " But this is the first time I've seen you." Jack hugged him again and said "I had to talk to you today and I wanted to see your kids up close for the first time."
My daddy smiled and said "This is Emma Sarah McKay and this is Sean Michael McKay your grandchildren. Jack knelt down and looked at me and said " I'm very pleased to meet you Miss Emma I'm your grandpa Jack she looks just like Brenda " he said and looked up at my daddy. My daddy smile " I know and she is becoming more and more like her everyday and I fear the day she becomes a teenager if she is anything like Bren I'm gonna have my hands full."
Grandpa Jack smiled and turned his attention to Sean who was still on Iris' arm. "Look at this handsome young man" Sean tried to hide his face in Iris hair. He looked at Iris and they both smiled and Iris said " he is just like Dylan was when he was that age he is calm and a bit shy and you should see him when he sleeps he always has his right hand under his head just like Dylan."
Then a man appeared and said " Its time to go now" Jack looked at him and was about to say something but stopped. He looked at all of us and gave Sean and me a hug then he gave Iris a hug and whisper "Thank you and I'm sorry."
Then he gave my daddy a hug and said "I love you son and I'm so proud of what you have done with you life take good care of my grandchildren" and then he left.
When we got home that night we ate dinner in silence and later my dad gave us a bath and put us to bed. Then the house was quiet again my dad went in to his bedroom and sat down on bed I head Grandma coming up the stairs and she knocked on my daddy's door. "Look Dylan I don't know if this is to soon but last time I saw Brenda she gave me this letter and asked me to give it to you when I felt it was time and I think you should have it now."
My daddy looked at her and took the letter and hugged her and said thank you mom" That was first time I had ever heard him call her mom. Daddy sat down on the bed again and began reading the letter my mummy had left for him.
This is a letter I never thought I would ever have to write to you I always thought that we would grow old together and that we would watch our children grow and have families of their own but I guess fate had other plans. It breaks my heart that I have to leave you and the kids cause that is the last thing I ever wanted I guess that is why I'm writing you this letter because I want you to know how I feel and what I thinking.
I guess you are angry with me right now for leaving you and the kids alone and that's okay but believe me when I tell you that I never wanted to. Over the last few days it has become clear to me that I don't have a lot of time left the pain is getting stronger and just breathing is so painful I wanna try to make things as easy for you as I can.
So I've made a box for each of the kids with things I want them to have and I have written them a letter too I hope you will give it to them when you think the time is right.
I want you to give Emma my necklace with the pink crystal tonight. It's the one your mother gave me right after you and Kelly started dating. It has helped through a though time and when you give it to her please tell her that maybe it will help her.
There are a few other things in there for her among other things my wedding dress I was so happy the day I married you and I want her to know that and maybe when she gets married she will wanna wear it.
I would love to be able to see you walk her down the aisle and give her away to the man she loves. I know that I will but a girl can dream?
I want you to go easy on the future boyfriends remember what my father was like she wont have me around to calm you down like I had my mother.
Please don't let my baby boy forget me I want you to tell him how much I love him and how sad I am that I won't be around. I've have put my favourite teddy in his box it's Mr. Pony that my father gave to me when I was little. (Ps If you ever need Brandon to do something for you and he refuses just tell him that you about Mr lion and how he cried for days when he lost him. That should help.) I have also put the necklace you gave me on opening night when I played Maggie in Cat on a hot tin roof" I want him to have it because it proved to me how much you believe in me.
There is also a bottle of my favourite perfume so he can remember a little more about me. I'm so afraid that one morning he will wake up and he will have forgotten me because I haven't had enough time with him or any of you. So please Dylan don't let him his mummy and how much she loved him. I have made him a tape where I read "The ugly duckling" Will you play that for him once in a while? Just to help him remember.
I can't believe I have to let you go again I don't want to and I fear what this will do to you I hope you will stay strong for the kids and know that when you look at them a part of me will be looking back at you.
I have left some thing for you too and I have asked Iris to put the half of the silver heart you gave me all those years ago in my casket. I'm leaving my wedding rings with you I trust you will know what to do with them though I never thought I would ever take them off. You can do with them what you like and I hope they will remind you of our wedding day and how happy we were. Please don't forget that feeling.
Loving you is one of three things that I'm proudest of I can never tell you how much I truly love you. You have given me so much and I have been so lucky to have you in my life and I hope you feel the same way.
So if one day you find yourself falling in love again don't worry about me I know that no matter where you go or what you do a little piece of your heart will be with me. So don't hide from love because life can be very lonely if you are alone. Don't feel like you are cheating on me cause all I ever wanted for you was happiness I thought our would last forever but I was wrong so find happiness again my love and I promise you I will be happy for you. So this is goodbye my love take care of yourself and the kids and know that I will love you wherever I am. All my love now and forever. Bren.
That night my daddy cried himself to sleep holding my mummy's pillow the sadness and despair didn't disappear but somehow my daddy found comfort in my mummy's letter and slowly but surely he was able to go on to make a good life for my brother and me.
He never remarried but he took us to all the places he had promised my mummy and on my wedding day dressed in my mummy's gown he gave me away.
He died when my oldest daughter was 6 years old and he died with a smile on his face. I like to think it was because he saw my mummy Sean and I buried him next to her just like he wanted.
When my mother died everything changed it was like someone put huge blanket over our house and everything became very quiet at lease during the day. At night I could hear my dad crying, sobbing, cursing the heaven and asking my mother over and over again why she had left him when she had promised that she never would.
I was six years old and my brother was only two when my mother died it was very clear to me even as a little girl that things would never be the same again. My dad changed it was like all his strength was gone my uncle later told me that my mother had been the strength of my fathers life. She had been the only one who could get through to him she could melt his heart just by looking at him.
They met when they were in high school and even though they broke up a couple off times they always found their way back to each other. And even then they dating other people they still remained friends maybe that is why her death hurt my father so much because this time he had lost her forever and there was nothing he could say or do that would ever change that. When mom got sick she refused to let it change our lives but in the end she was so weak that she couldn't drive me to school or take me to the park like she use to. Sometimes my mom and me used sit in the kitchen and talk about everything and nothing she said it was important to make time of girl talk. She could make me laugh just by looking at me and she could make me cry when she read me "The little Mermaid" it's still my favourite story.
Then she was pregnant with my brother Sean she used to make these picnics for just the two of us. She would tell me about when she and dad were in high school and about when she lived in London and worked as an actress and about all the things she and my uncle used to do when they were younger. I loved hearing these stories but in the end she was to weak for us to go anywhere so she would lie in bed and my brother and I would sit next to her when she told these stories. My dad was never part of this I think it was too painful for him.
The day before she died she told us who dad had asked her to marry him. She had told me the story before but I loved to hear it.
Brenda I was wondering if you could take the day of tomorrow and we could do something for the day. I think so but why? Is something wrong? Can't a guy ask his girlfriend to spend the day with him without something being wrong? Brenda walked over to him and kissed him and looked him straight in the eyes of cause I would love to spend the day with you.
Brenda come on its time to get up! Please just let me have five more minutes? No you can't you breakfast will get cold. What you made me breakfast that is so sweet thank you. They ate breakfast in bed together.
Are you ready to go Bren? Just one more minute and I'll be there where are we going? You haven't told me anything come on Bren its a surprise. Hand in hand they walked out of the apartment and over to the park. Come sit with me here Bren! What are we doing? Come on just sit down Brenda sat down next to him and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and kissed the top of her head. Remember when we used to do this in London we could spend a whole day just watching people. They spent hours that bench reading talking and looking at people who walked by.
Are you hungry Bren? A little why? Do you wanna go home and get some lunch? No I have a surprise for you Bren we are gonna have a picnic right here and later I have a few other surprises for you.
Come on give me a little hint please you know what I'm like. Okay then we have done it before and we have seen it before and that is all I'm gonna say. I have no idea please one? Okay this is the last hint it was our first time.
I'm sorry but that is not a surprise I was kind of hoping for that well then you better go home then because you need to get ready what do you mean by getting ready? I'm really confused now. Good that is the whole idea! I'll be back later to pick you up okay. Brenda looked at him very confused okay see you later they kissed and Brenda headed home.
Brenda got out for the shower wrapped in a towel and walked into their bedroom. On the bed was a box with a note it said, "Wear me". Brenda opened the box and inside was a black lace bra and matching nickers a pair of black stockings and a beautiful long sleeveless black dress with a high slid along the right leg. Brenda looked at it and smiled she put her make up on and put her hair up around neck she wore a silver necklace with a small diamond pendant. She put the dress on and went over to her closet to find a pair of shoes inside the closet was another box with a note saying "Don't forget these" inside was a beautiful black heels just as she put them on there was a knock at the door. She opened the door and looked at him, kissed and hugged him and whispered "Thank you" So I guess you are ready then?
Yes will you please tell me were we are going now? Yes but let me show you this first and out of his pocket he took two tickets and gave them to her do you remember these? She looked at them and tears started to form in her eyes I remember everything about that night in was the most romantic night of my life so we are going to see "Love Letters" and are we gonna give blood as well? Well that was the plan he said but there is more to come. After they had seen the play and given blood they walked home.
Hey Bren I wanna ask you something! Okay what do you wanna ask? You know I love you right and you are the one person in my life I have always been able to trust you have never deserted me or hurt me even though I have done that to you I trust you with my life and my heart and you are the only person I can imagine giving blood with! What I'm trying to say is this "Will you marry me Brenda Walsh?" Brenda looks at him with tear streaming down her cheeks "There is nothing I want more in this world so yes I will marry you".
When my mother had finished the story I went down to get her something to drink outside the bedroom up against the wall I saw my dad sitting with tears in his eyes. None of us knew he was there but I knew that he had heard my mom tell their story. That was the first time I ever saw my dad cry I knew he was devastated by my mom's illness but he tried to keep it from me and my brother. I sat down next to him and put my head against his arm and we cried in silence together.
That night we had a pizza party in my parent's bedroom we laughed we looked at pictures and ate too much pizza.
Later my dad gave my brother and I a bath, read us a story and put us to bed. After my dad had put Sean he helped my mom into my room to say goodnight. Most nights we would say goodnight to her in their bedroom because she was too weak but that night she came to me. She didn't say much but she never took her eyes of me she read me a small part of "The little Mermaid" and then she kissed me goodnight.
She told me that she loved me and that she was very proud of me and then she ran her hand gently across my face and said "See you later alligator" and I said "In a while crocodile" like we always did. When she went into Sean's room and said goodnight to him from my bed I could hear that she read some of "The ugly duckling" and she told him that she loved him too and that she was proud of him. Then she said goodnight to him like she always did she said" Sleep tight don't let the bedbugs bite". My dad carried her into their bedroom and gently put her down on the bed and lied down next to her I got out for my bed and I peeked into their bedroom. My mom laid her head on my dad's chest and smiled. I went back into my room but I could still hear them talking. I head my mummy tell my dad that she loves him my brother and me very much and that our family was the most important thing in her life. She told my dad that he had to stay strong and not let my brother and I forget her.
She said that dad shouldn't be to hard on my future boyfriends he laugh and said that he would chase them all away but mom told him to remember how hard granddad had been on him. Dad said that he needed her and that he couldn't go on without her and that she had to fight for their future. She said that if she had it her way we would be together forever but it wasn't up to her or dad. She told him to teach us to surf and to take us to Baja, London, Paris and Dublin and show us all the places where they had been together.
She told him to never forget how much she love him and that she always would and even though we couldn't see her she would always be there. The last thing I heard her say "Was please take care of my babies and make sure they are happy and that they know that I love them and know that I love you just as much" then my dad said "I love you too Bren" then everything was quiet. The next morning my grandmother woke me up at first I was so happy to see her but when I saw the look in her eyes I knew something was wrong.
She hugged me and kissed the top of my head and then she told me that mummy was gone. I couldn't understand what she meant why would mom leave she loved us. I started screaming and crying and calling out to my mummy but she didn't come instead my dad came into my room his eyes were swollen and red and there were tears running down his cheeks. I looked at him and asked him when mummy was coming home he looked at me and shook his head and said that mummy had gone to heaven to be with the angles "But why did she go to heaven?" I asked my daddy said it was because God wanted her there "But why daddy? I want mummy here with you, Sean and me" I know baby I want her here to but there is nothing I can do if I could bring her back I would but I can't. I started crying all over again and I threw myself into his arms he started crying too and Grandma Iris tried to comfort us.
Then I heard Sean crying and I saw my Aunt Andrea she was holding him trying to make him stop but there was nothing she could do. She looked at my daddy and then she looked at the floor and then back at daddy and said "He keeps asking for Brenda I don't know what to do" my daddy walked over to her and took Sean and he was able to calm him down.
My dad tried to explain to Sean what had happened but he didn't understand over the next few days he would look for mummy in the bedroom in the garden and call out for her. Grandma Iris stay with us the next few days she made us dinner and she tried to make us feel better but nothing helped.
My dad was silent most of the time he only spoke when he said goodnight to us and when he talked to my mummy in the middle of the night. He would cry the most of the night and he didn't sleep at all. Grandma Iris helped Sean and me write a letter to mummy and she put in mummy's casket for us. On the morning of the funeral she helped us get ready even daddy.
When we got to the church there were so many people I knew most of them but never led go of daddy's hand. Sean on Grandma Iris lap and Uncle Brandon and Aunt Andrea sat next to her I couldn't take my eyes of the casket I couldn't believe that my mummy was in there. I didn't hear anything that was going on until I saw Uncle Brandon stood up and began to talk. I talked to Brenda the day before she died we talked about a lot of things but mostly we talked about her family it was the most important thing in the world to her. She was so sad that she would have to leave them that she would never have a chance to see Emma and Sean graduate high school, or college or see them get married and have families of their own.
She worried about how her husband and her children would get through this and she told me to make sure that they knew what they meant to her but I think they already know. She knew we would all be sad today so she asked me to read this poem for you because it says what she wanted to if she could.
Remember me when I gone away.
Gone far away into the silent land.
When you can no more hold me by the hand.
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
You tell me of our future that you plann'd.
Only remember me; you understand.
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while.
And afterwards remember, do not grieve.
For if the darkness and corruption leave.
A vestige of the thoughts that I once had.,
Better by far you should forget and smile.
Than you should remember and be sad.
I didn't understand it all but I knew that mummy didn't want us to be sad all the time. When I look at my dad tears were dripping from his eyes but he didn't say anything when he saw I was looking at him he tried to smile but he fail.
When the priest asked if anybody wanted to say anything the room went quiet. Then my daddy stood up he looked at Sean and me then at Grandma Iris and then he spoke.
"When Brenda and I lived in London together we went everywhere. We would go to Scotland or Ireland for the weekend. Being there gave us more freedom to travel or just be together we had a good life in London. When we didn't have to work we would go to the park, to the art museum, just spend the day at home doing nothing or she would find old books with stories and poetry and we would read them together. She loved those days and when she came back to the States she brought all the books with her.
When she was pregnant with Emma she started reading HC Andersen's fairytales to her and she kept on reading them to her when she was born.
Emma loved it when Brenda would read "The little Mermaid" to her I tried to read it to her once but Emma kept saying "That's not how mummy does it" and I knew then that that was their thing together. Bren did the same thing with Sean and it breaks my heart to know that I will never be able to stand outside on of my children's bedroom and hear Bren reading and hearing them laugh.
When Brenda came into my life she was not like anybody I had ever met before she was beautiful, smart and had the biggest heart ever. She had the most amazing ability to forgive and she was loyal to the end.
There was nothing she wouldn't do for the people she loved and for her to cut you of it had to be really bad. She knew what she wanted and there was nothing anybody could say or do that would change her mind and when she was first told about the cancer her biggest concern wasn't her self but it was the children and I.
When the doctors told her that they couldn't cure her but that they could give her more time by giving her chemotherapy and radiation she said no. She didn't want the children to see her like that she wanted the time she had left to be peaceful, calm and as normal as possible. We would fight over this because I wanted her here with me and I didn't think about what that extra time would be like.
I'm grateful now that Bren got to do this her way that she was able to say goodnight to Emma and Sean for the last time and that we were able to lie on our bed and talk and that I was able to hold her when she passed away. I will always be grateful for the time I had with Brenda and I know she knows how much I love her and always will. I found this poem in her favourite book and I wanna read it for you."
Stop all the clocks cut of the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum.
Bring out the coffin and let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead.
Scribbling on the sky the message She is dead.
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves.
Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
She was my North, my South, my East and West.
My working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk my song.
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.
My daddy looked at Sean and me with tears in his eyes and then with his hand he placed kiss on the lid of casket and whispered "we'll miss you Bren." When he walked over sat back down next to me and I put my head on his chest and just held on as tight as I could.
Then my mummy's casket was carried out in to a waiting car grandma Iris carried Sean and my father carried me because I wouldn't let go of him.
We drove to the cemetery and I was still on my father's arm when I watched my mummy's casket being put in the ground. Over my daddy's shoulders I could see a man with slightly grey hair and sunglasses watching everything from under a tree he had been at the church as well but he hadn't said anything.
As everybody else turned to leave my daddy, grandma Iris, Sean and I stayed behind. Daddy didn't move he just looked at my mummy's casket.
Grandma Iris ran her hand across his shoulder and said "Dylan honey do you want sometime alone with her?" he looked up and whispered yes.
Sean Grandma Iris and I walked towards our car when I saw that man again and I asked her "Who is that man Grandma?" She stopped and looked at him for awhile then she walked over to him and stopped right in front of him. He took for his sunglasses and now I could see how who it was. Grandma didn't say anything at first but then she gave the man a hug and said, "I'm so glad you are here Jack." He smiled "Its good to see you too Iris! How is he?" Grandma looked down and said "I have never seen him like this all of his spirit and strength is gone I don't know what to do" Jack looked at her and said, "It looks like you are doing your best to help him and that's good."
Then I heard footstep behind me and I saw daddy coming up behind me. He stopped and frozen when he saw whom Grandma was talking to. Jack didn't say anything he just walked over to daddy and hugged him they didn't say anything they just hugged.
Then my daddy spoke "What are you doing here its too dangerous." Jack looked at him and said " I had to come just like I had to come to your wedding and just like I have watch you from a distance on the beach with Brenda and the kids." My daddy looked at him with such surprise " But this is the first time I've seen you." Jack hugged him again and said "I had to talk to you today and I wanted to see your kids up close for the first time."
My daddy smiled and said "This is Emma Sarah McKay and this is Sean Michael McKay your grandchildren. Jack knelt down and looked at me and said " I'm very pleased to meet you Miss Emma I'm your grandpa Jack she looks just like Brenda " he said and looked up at my daddy. My daddy smile " I know and she is becoming more and more like her everyday and I fear the day she becomes a teenager if she is anything like Bren I'm gonna have my hands full."
Grandpa Jack smiled and turned his attention to Sean who was still on Iris' arm. "Look at this handsome young man" Sean tried to hide his face in Iris hair. He looked at Iris and they both smiled and Iris said " he is just like Dylan was when he was that age he is calm and a bit shy and you should see him when he sleeps he always has his right hand under his head just like Dylan."
Then a man appeared and said " Its time to go now" Jack looked at him and was about to say something but stopped. He looked at all of us and gave Sean and me a hug then he gave Iris a hug and whisper "Thank you and I'm sorry."
Then he gave my daddy a hug and said "I love you son and I'm so proud of what you have done with you life take good care of my grandchildren" and then he left.
When we got home that night we ate dinner in silence and later my dad gave us a bath and put us to bed. Then the house was quiet again my dad went in to his bedroom and sat down on bed I head Grandma coming up the stairs and she knocked on my daddy's door. "Look Dylan I don't know if this is to soon but last time I saw Brenda she gave me this letter and asked me to give it to you when I felt it was time and I think you should have it now."
My daddy looked at her and took the letter and hugged her and said thank you mom" That was first time I had ever heard him call her mom. Daddy sat down on the bed again and began reading the letter my mummy had left for him.
This is a letter I never thought I would ever have to write to you I always thought that we would grow old together and that we would watch our children grow and have families of their own but I guess fate had other plans. It breaks my heart that I have to leave you and the kids cause that is the last thing I ever wanted I guess that is why I'm writing you this letter because I want you to know how I feel and what I thinking.
I guess you are angry with me right now for leaving you and the kids alone and that's okay but believe me when I tell you that I never wanted to. Over the last few days it has become clear to me that I don't have a lot of time left the pain is getting stronger and just breathing is so painful I wanna try to make things as easy for you as I can.
So I've made a box for each of the kids with things I want them to have and I have written them a letter too I hope you will give it to them when you think the time is right.
I want you to give Emma my necklace with the pink crystal tonight. It's the one your mother gave me right after you and Kelly started dating. It has helped through a though time and when you give it to her please tell her that maybe it will help her.
There are a few other things in there for her among other things my wedding dress I was so happy the day I married you and I want her to know that and maybe when she gets married she will wanna wear it.
I would love to be able to see you walk her down the aisle and give her away to the man she loves. I know that I will but a girl can dream?
I want you to go easy on the future boyfriends remember what my father was like she wont have me around to calm you down like I had my mother.
Please don't let my baby boy forget me I want you to tell him how much I love him and how sad I am that I won't be around. I've have put my favourite teddy in his box it's Mr. Pony that my father gave to me when I was little. (Ps If you ever need Brandon to do something for you and he refuses just tell him that you about Mr lion and how he cried for days when he lost him. That should help.) I have also put the necklace you gave me on opening night when I played Maggie in Cat on a hot tin roof" I want him to have it because it proved to me how much you believe in me.
There is also a bottle of my favourite perfume so he can remember a little more about me. I'm so afraid that one morning he will wake up and he will have forgotten me because I haven't had enough time with him or any of you. So please Dylan don't let him his mummy and how much she loved him. I have made him a tape where I read "The ugly duckling" Will you play that for him once in a while? Just to help him remember.
I can't believe I have to let you go again I don't want to and I fear what this will do to you I hope you will stay strong for the kids and know that when you look at them a part of me will be looking back at you.
I have left some thing for you too and I have asked Iris to put the half of the silver heart you gave me all those years ago in my casket. I'm leaving my wedding rings with you I trust you will know what to do with them though I never thought I would ever take them off. You can do with them what you like and I hope they will remind you of our wedding day and how happy we were. Please don't forget that feeling.
Loving you is one of three things that I'm proudest of I can never tell you how much I truly love you. You have given me so much and I have been so lucky to have you in my life and I hope you feel the same way.
So if one day you find yourself falling in love again don't worry about me I know that no matter where you go or what you do a little piece of your heart will be with me. So don't hide from love because life can be very lonely if you are alone. Don't feel like you are cheating on me cause all I ever wanted for you was happiness I thought our would last forever but I was wrong so find happiness again my love and I promise you I will be happy for you. So this is goodbye my love take care of yourself and the kids and know that I will love you wherever I am. All my love now and forever. Bren.
That night my daddy cried himself to sleep holding my mummy's pillow the sadness and despair didn't disappear but somehow my daddy found comfort in my mummy's letter and slowly but surely he was able to go on to make a good life for my brother and me.
He never remarried but he took us to all the places he had promised my mummy and on my wedding day dressed in my mummy's gown he gave me away.
He died when my oldest daughter was 6 years old and he died with a smile on his face. I like to think it was because he saw my mummy Sean and I buried him next to her just like he wanted.