Chapter 23
Cordy was lounging on Angel's bed while Angel was sitting in a chair across the room with a happy Buffy in his lap.
"The kid was born for it. The way he anticipated, I'm telling you, it's in his blood." Angel said.
"You don't say." Cordy said.
"There we were and it was like we had never been apart. He felt it, too. I know he did. You should have seen us together." Buffy said excitedly.
"I did."
"What do you mean, you did?"
"Ah, after you guys left, I went back into my vision."
"You went back in?" Angel asked.
Cordy sat up. "Don't ask me how. I don't know if it is part of my new semi- demoness, or, or if they just let me go back in. But I was there. I saw the whole thing, you two and your son. together. It was beautiful."
"I know. I mean, he called me mom! And he hugged me as if we had never been separated!" Buffy said.
"I know. It was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to us!" Angel put in.
"Yeah, and I called Faith and Spike and they are going to bring Dawn to LA. They should be here soon."
As if on cue the door opened and Faith, Dawn, and Spike walked in. Cordy got up and left. She went downstairs to Angel's office. When she looked out the office window, saw Lorne in the lobby wearing a dressing gown, pouring himself a drink, and Steven standing behind him.
Lorne turned and saw Steven standing in the middle of the hotel lobby. "Oh, hey, kiddo. I didn't see you there. You looking for your mom and dad? Come on. They're upstairs. I'll show you the room. This way."
"I'm not going anywhere with you, demon." Steven said.
"I'll tell you what, since you were raised in a hell dimension by a psychopath, and since that happens to be a topic that I know a little something about, we'll just let that slide. Now I'll fetch your mom and pop for you." Lorne turned to continue up the stairs.
"Filthy demon."
Lorne turned back. "Actually, that's uncle filthy demon to you. It wasn't that long ago, like a week, I was changing your diapers, you little..."
"Hey!" Cordy said, coming out of the office and walking over to stand between them. "What's the problem?"
Lorne just looked at Steven.
"Steven?" Cordy asked.
Steven never took his stare off Lorne.
"Steven." Cordy repeated.
After a beat Steven let himself be lead over to the settee and sat down with Cordy, but he kept staring at Lorne.
"I know you haven't been in this world very long, and I imagine that things are pretty wild west-y where you're from, but Lorne's a good guy. Honestly."
"It's a demon." Steven said plainly.
"Right. True. He is. But 'demon' doesn't always mean 'evil' in this dimension. I mean, look at me." Steven's eye tracked from Lorne to look at her. "Well, I'm part demon. Yeah. By choice. I did it so that I could help people." She turned to look at Lorne. "And so that the back of my head wouldn't..."
Steven drew his knife and lunged to stab Cordy in the heart.
"Cordy!" Lorne cried.
Cordy and Steven stared at each other as Cordy kept Steven's knife hand from descending on her. Then, Cordy's eyes began to glow with an intense white light. The light spread, moved up her arm and into Steven, dissolving the blade of his knife and leaving him holding just the handle.
"Let it go, honey. Just let it go. You don't need that. You don't need any of that." Cordy said. The light left Cordy, suffusing Steven instead, as Cordy sat back up across from Steven. "That's right. Just let it go, baby." The light disappeared all together, leaving Steven panting and staring at Cordy. "Shh."
Cordy reached up to run her hand over Steven's cheek. "It's okay, sweetie. That's right. It's okay."
Steven's eyes closed and he leaned his head against Cordy and cried into her shoulder. Cordy held onto him. "I know. Shh. It's okay. It's okay."
Steven sat back up and Cordy turned to look up at the balcony overlooking the lobby to see Buffy and Angel standing at the railing, Dawn, Faith, and Spike standing behind them.
Angel watched from the door to his office as Lorne handed Steven a cup. Steven was leaning against Buffy and Buffy was petting his hair. Angel then looked at Dawn, Faith, and Spike sitting on the stairs, then turned back to face Cordy, sitting at the desk.
"How do you feel?" he asked.
"Okay. Drained. But okay." Cordy said.
"Well, you got some serious mojo going on, girl. Whatever deal you struck with the Powers, it looks to me like they gave you the full package, all the extras. That kid was toxic when he came here tonight. Heavy on the 'ick'." Lorne said.
"What actually happened out there?" Angel asked.
"In my professional opinion? Well, Miss demon-y britches here gave that child some kind of 'soul colonic'. Flushed him out but good."
"Flushed what out?"
"It was that place, Quor-toth. It crept into every part of him. He was sick with it." Cordy said.
"When Fred was taking her readings..."
"He nearly broke the needle." Lorne finished for Angel. "My guess? She wouldn't even get so much as a click off him now."
Angel crouched down in front of Cordy. "Thank you. Thank you for doing this for him."
"I know what it was like for him there, the darkness and the confusion. He thought it was where he belonged." Cordy said.
Angel slowly walked up to where Steven and Buffy were still sitting on the settee. "Hey, pal. How 're you doing?"
"I might have tried to kill your friend." Steven said.
"Yeah, well, she's used to it." Buffy said.
"I think I should go."
Angel went to sit down on the settee next to Steven. "Look, why don't you just stay here? I know it doesn't feel like it yet but this could be home for you."
Steven stared straight in front of him. "I don't have a home."
"That's not true. You just don't remember, that's all. Your home is here and in Sunnydale. This is where you're supposed to be, sweetie." Buffy said.
"You speak as though you're my parents."
Angel smiled slightly. "Well..."
"He said the same thing." Buffy and Angel's smiles melted away. "He said, we came back for a reason."
"Did he?" Angel asked.
The doors opened and Fred and Gunn came hurrying in. They stopped as they saw Buffy, Angel, and Steven, and Gunn cleared his throat. They walked into Angel's office and waited for him.
Buffy and Angel walked into his office where Gunn and Fred were waiting.
"I told him you two and Dawn were going to take him out, spend some time with him." Angel said.
"And he's good with that?" Gunn asked.
Angel looked at Buffy who answered, "Yeah, he seems to be."
"Where do you want us to take him?" Fred asked.
"Some place where this world isn't as ugly as he thinks it is."
"How long you need?" Gunn asked.
"A couple of hours should do it." Angel answered.
"Hey, um, what if he asks where you guys are at?"
"Don't tell him." Buffy and Angel said.
Gunn and Fred filed out of the office and Angel grabbed his coat.
"Wait. Angel, before you two go, we have to do that thing."
"What thing?" Angel asked.
"That thing we do. You know, that thing where I say 'are you sure you know what you're doing, please think about this' and then you both ignore me and rush head long into trouble?"
"Right. That thing. Okay, are we done?"
"Angel, please think about this. In fact, don't go there at all."
"We have to."
"I know. But don't."
"We're not gonna kill him, even though he deserves it." Buffy and Angel turned to go.
"Oh, I don't care if you kill him." They stopped and turned back to look at Cordy. "He stole Steven's childhood, so kill him. But don't lie to your son. He's been here like a day. Way to build the trust."
"We're not lying to him." Buffy said.
"No, you're just sending him off to be distracted while you go confront the man he thinks of as his father."
Angel, after a beat, said, "I'm his father."
Cordy watched them turn and walk out.
Holtz was sitting at the table in the motel room. He folded a piece of paper and stuck it into an envelope.
"I can't recall, would you require an invitation for a place like this?"
Angel was standing in the open door behind Holtz, Buffy in front of him.
"Public accommodation?" Angel stepped across the threshold. "No."
'No. You'd think I'd remember something like that. It would have seemed important once." Holtz stood up and turned to face Buffy and Angel. "Details begin to escape me."
Angel gave the door a push so it closed behind him then grabbed Holtz by the throat and slammed him up against the wall. Buffy just stood there and watched.
"You stole my son." Angel said.
"Our." Buffy interjected.
"Our son! You stole our son!"
"I kept your son alive. You murdered mine." Holtz shot back.
After a beat Angel slowly backed off and withdrew his hand from Holtz' throat. "I was different then."
Holtz reached up to touch his throat. "Yes. So was I. You feel remorse. You feel remorse yet you can't express it."
"You want me to say I'm sorry? How can I? It wouldn't mean a thing."
"It would mean a little. Not much, but it would be something."
"Then I'm sorry. For whatever little it might mean. It's all I've got." Angel stood still, looking straight ahead, and not at Holtz.
Holtz lowered his hand. "Not all. You had a son. So, there it is." He sat down. "I thought by depriving you of that son it would allow me some measure of justice. I was wrong."
"Taking Conner from me was never justice. It was vengeance. And it wasn't just my son you took."
"Or maybe vengeance is what I do now. Give back what I took." Holtz ignored the last part.
"What?"
Holtz stood up. "I'm an old man now. I have nothing to offer the boy. You two can give him what I can't, his purpose. But every time you look upon his face, every time he calls you 'father,' you will be reminded of that which you took and can never give back. And if that is vengeance, I find I have no taste for it." Holtz picked up the letter and held it out to Angel. "All I ask is that you give him this. It's not sealed. I expect you'll examine it. You should."
"Why are you doing this?" Buffy asked.
"I thought I'd made that plain. I love my son. And this is the only way I know to ensure that he will go on loving me."
Angel took a hold of the letter and turned to look at Holtz. After a moment he pulled the letter out of Holtz' hand and turned to leave.
"He won't accept this at first. He'll try to find me." Angel stopped with one hand on the door, the other in Buffy's hand. "He never will."
Angel opened the door and he and Buffy slowly walked out.
"Drop me off by my dad's house Angel." Buffy said.
"What? Why?"
"I told Faith and Spike to meet me there. My dad's in Spain again and I told them they could use it. I wanna let them know everything is gonna be all right."
"Ok." Angel steered the car towards Buffy's dad's house and let her out. He kissed her like everything in the past that was ever bad between them had never happened and watched her go up the stairs to the doors. Then he drove off to be somewhere quiet so he could read the letter to himself. Buffy had read it in the car.
Connor was running down a dark alley.
Angel stopped his convertible at a deserted stretch of beach road. He took out the letter and started to read it.
Dearest Steven,
This is a most difficult letter for me to write. You mean more to me than anything in this world or any other. But your best interests must come first, which is why by the time you receive this, I will be gone. I hope one day you will be able to forgive an old man's weakness, which compels him to say these things in a letter. But to attempt a good-bye in your presence would be impossible for me. I fear I would never let you go. And I must let you go. I know that if I didn't you would only end up hating me. And that I could not bear. Your destiny lies with your mother and Angel. I know that now. You will have a better life with them. I'm comforted by that certainty and the knowledge that with them you will discover your true purpose and come to know who it is you are meant to be. My only prayer is that I have prepared you well enough for whatever lies ahead. I trust that I have. Be brave.
Lovingly,
Your father.
Angel folded up the letter and returned it to the envelope. Angel wore the trace of a smile and quietly said, "Conner."
Justine slammed Holtz up against the sidewall of the motel. "Don't make me do it. I can't." Holtz had his hand wrapped around Justine's right hand and the awl she was holding up between them. "We already know you can. You promised. You said you'd do anything for me. Come on, Justine. I'm not asking you to follow me into hell. Just help send me there." She shook her head. "Do it!"
Crying, Justine, her hand still covered by Holtz', stabbed him in the side of the neck with the awl.
Holtz slid down the wall, still holding on to Justine while repeating, "Again. Again!"
Crying, Justine stabbed Holtz' neck a second time just below the first puncture.
Connor ran.
Holtz stared up at the dark sky and whispered, "Steven."
Connor burst into the motel room. "Dad!" He looked around the empty room. "Dad?" He backed out of the motel room and hurried down the balcony. He ran through a metal gate and stopped as he saw Justine, running her hand over Holtz' head resting in her lap. He ran up to them and dropped down next to Holtz, putting his hands on Holtz' shoulders. Justine slowly raised her head to look at him.
Steven stared at the two puncture wounds on Holtz' neck. "Angelus."
Cordy was lounging on Angel's bed while Angel was sitting in a chair across the room with a happy Buffy in his lap.
"The kid was born for it. The way he anticipated, I'm telling you, it's in his blood." Angel said.
"You don't say." Cordy said.
"There we were and it was like we had never been apart. He felt it, too. I know he did. You should have seen us together." Buffy said excitedly.
"I did."
"What do you mean, you did?"
"Ah, after you guys left, I went back into my vision."
"You went back in?" Angel asked.
Cordy sat up. "Don't ask me how. I don't know if it is part of my new semi- demoness, or, or if they just let me go back in. But I was there. I saw the whole thing, you two and your son. together. It was beautiful."
"I know. I mean, he called me mom! And he hugged me as if we had never been separated!" Buffy said.
"I know. It was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to us!" Angel put in.
"Yeah, and I called Faith and Spike and they are going to bring Dawn to LA. They should be here soon."
As if on cue the door opened and Faith, Dawn, and Spike walked in. Cordy got up and left. She went downstairs to Angel's office. When she looked out the office window, saw Lorne in the lobby wearing a dressing gown, pouring himself a drink, and Steven standing behind him.
Lorne turned and saw Steven standing in the middle of the hotel lobby. "Oh, hey, kiddo. I didn't see you there. You looking for your mom and dad? Come on. They're upstairs. I'll show you the room. This way."
"I'm not going anywhere with you, demon." Steven said.
"I'll tell you what, since you were raised in a hell dimension by a psychopath, and since that happens to be a topic that I know a little something about, we'll just let that slide. Now I'll fetch your mom and pop for you." Lorne turned to continue up the stairs.
"Filthy demon."
Lorne turned back. "Actually, that's uncle filthy demon to you. It wasn't that long ago, like a week, I was changing your diapers, you little..."
"Hey!" Cordy said, coming out of the office and walking over to stand between them. "What's the problem?"
Lorne just looked at Steven.
"Steven?" Cordy asked.
Steven never took his stare off Lorne.
"Steven." Cordy repeated.
After a beat Steven let himself be lead over to the settee and sat down with Cordy, but he kept staring at Lorne.
"I know you haven't been in this world very long, and I imagine that things are pretty wild west-y where you're from, but Lorne's a good guy. Honestly."
"It's a demon." Steven said plainly.
"Right. True. He is. But 'demon' doesn't always mean 'evil' in this dimension. I mean, look at me." Steven's eye tracked from Lorne to look at her. "Well, I'm part demon. Yeah. By choice. I did it so that I could help people." She turned to look at Lorne. "And so that the back of my head wouldn't..."
Steven drew his knife and lunged to stab Cordy in the heart.
"Cordy!" Lorne cried.
Cordy and Steven stared at each other as Cordy kept Steven's knife hand from descending on her. Then, Cordy's eyes began to glow with an intense white light. The light spread, moved up her arm and into Steven, dissolving the blade of his knife and leaving him holding just the handle.
"Let it go, honey. Just let it go. You don't need that. You don't need any of that." Cordy said. The light left Cordy, suffusing Steven instead, as Cordy sat back up across from Steven. "That's right. Just let it go, baby." The light disappeared all together, leaving Steven panting and staring at Cordy. "Shh."
Cordy reached up to run her hand over Steven's cheek. "It's okay, sweetie. That's right. It's okay."
Steven's eyes closed and he leaned his head against Cordy and cried into her shoulder. Cordy held onto him. "I know. Shh. It's okay. It's okay."
Steven sat back up and Cordy turned to look up at the balcony overlooking the lobby to see Buffy and Angel standing at the railing, Dawn, Faith, and Spike standing behind them.
Angel watched from the door to his office as Lorne handed Steven a cup. Steven was leaning against Buffy and Buffy was petting his hair. Angel then looked at Dawn, Faith, and Spike sitting on the stairs, then turned back to face Cordy, sitting at the desk.
"How do you feel?" he asked.
"Okay. Drained. But okay." Cordy said.
"Well, you got some serious mojo going on, girl. Whatever deal you struck with the Powers, it looks to me like they gave you the full package, all the extras. That kid was toxic when he came here tonight. Heavy on the 'ick'." Lorne said.
"What actually happened out there?" Angel asked.
"In my professional opinion? Well, Miss demon-y britches here gave that child some kind of 'soul colonic'. Flushed him out but good."
"Flushed what out?"
"It was that place, Quor-toth. It crept into every part of him. He was sick with it." Cordy said.
"When Fred was taking her readings..."
"He nearly broke the needle." Lorne finished for Angel. "My guess? She wouldn't even get so much as a click off him now."
Angel crouched down in front of Cordy. "Thank you. Thank you for doing this for him."
"I know what it was like for him there, the darkness and the confusion. He thought it was where he belonged." Cordy said.
Angel slowly walked up to where Steven and Buffy were still sitting on the settee. "Hey, pal. How 're you doing?"
"I might have tried to kill your friend." Steven said.
"Yeah, well, she's used to it." Buffy said.
"I think I should go."
Angel went to sit down on the settee next to Steven. "Look, why don't you just stay here? I know it doesn't feel like it yet but this could be home for you."
Steven stared straight in front of him. "I don't have a home."
"That's not true. You just don't remember, that's all. Your home is here and in Sunnydale. This is where you're supposed to be, sweetie." Buffy said.
"You speak as though you're my parents."
Angel smiled slightly. "Well..."
"He said the same thing." Buffy and Angel's smiles melted away. "He said, we came back for a reason."
"Did he?" Angel asked.
The doors opened and Fred and Gunn came hurrying in. They stopped as they saw Buffy, Angel, and Steven, and Gunn cleared his throat. They walked into Angel's office and waited for him.
Buffy and Angel walked into his office where Gunn and Fred were waiting.
"I told him you two and Dawn were going to take him out, spend some time with him." Angel said.
"And he's good with that?" Gunn asked.
Angel looked at Buffy who answered, "Yeah, he seems to be."
"Where do you want us to take him?" Fred asked.
"Some place where this world isn't as ugly as he thinks it is."
"How long you need?" Gunn asked.
"A couple of hours should do it." Angel answered.
"Hey, um, what if he asks where you guys are at?"
"Don't tell him." Buffy and Angel said.
Gunn and Fred filed out of the office and Angel grabbed his coat.
"Wait. Angel, before you two go, we have to do that thing."
"What thing?" Angel asked.
"That thing we do. You know, that thing where I say 'are you sure you know what you're doing, please think about this' and then you both ignore me and rush head long into trouble?"
"Right. That thing. Okay, are we done?"
"Angel, please think about this. In fact, don't go there at all."
"We have to."
"I know. But don't."
"We're not gonna kill him, even though he deserves it." Buffy and Angel turned to go.
"Oh, I don't care if you kill him." They stopped and turned back to look at Cordy. "He stole Steven's childhood, so kill him. But don't lie to your son. He's been here like a day. Way to build the trust."
"We're not lying to him." Buffy said.
"No, you're just sending him off to be distracted while you go confront the man he thinks of as his father."
Angel, after a beat, said, "I'm his father."
Cordy watched them turn and walk out.
Holtz was sitting at the table in the motel room. He folded a piece of paper and stuck it into an envelope.
"I can't recall, would you require an invitation for a place like this?"
Angel was standing in the open door behind Holtz, Buffy in front of him.
"Public accommodation?" Angel stepped across the threshold. "No."
'No. You'd think I'd remember something like that. It would have seemed important once." Holtz stood up and turned to face Buffy and Angel. "Details begin to escape me."
Angel gave the door a push so it closed behind him then grabbed Holtz by the throat and slammed him up against the wall. Buffy just stood there and watched.
"You stole my son." Angel said.
"Our." Buffy interjected.
"Our son! You stole our son!"
"I kept your son alive. You murdered mine." Holtz shot back.
After a beat Angel slowly backed off and withdrew his hand from Holtz' throat. "I was different then."
Holtz reached up to touch his throat. "Yes. So was I. You feel remorse. You feel remorse yet you can't express it."
"You want me to say I'm sorry? How can I? It wouldn't mean a thing."
"It would mean a little. Not much, but it would be something."
"Then I'm sorry. For whatever little it might mean. It's all I've got." Angel stood still, looking straight ahead, and not at Holtz.
Holtz lowered his hand. "Not all. You had a son. So, there it is." He sat down. "I thought by depriving you of that son it would allow me some measure of justice. I was wrong."
"Taking Conner from me was never justice. It was vengeance. And it wasn't just my son you took."
"Or maybe vengeance is what I do now. Give back what I took." Holtz ignored the last part.
"What?"
Holtz stood up. "I'm an old man now. I have nothing to offer the boy. You two can give him what I can't, his purpose. But every time you look upon his face, every time he calls you 'father,' you will be reminded of that which you took and can never give back. And if that is vengeance, I find I have no taste for it." Holtz picked up the letter and held it out to Angel. "All I ask is that you give him this. It's not sealed. I expect you'll examine it. You should."
"Why are you doing this?" Buffy asked.
"I thought I'd made that plain. I love my son. And this is the only way I know to ensure that he will go on loving me."
Angel took a hold of the letter and turned to look at Holtz. After a moment he pulled the letter out of Holtz' hand and turned to leave.
"He won't accept this at first. He'll try to find me." Angel stopped with one hand on the door, the other in Buffy's hand. "He never will."
Angel opened the door and he and Buffy slowly walked out.
"Drop me off by my dad's house Angel." Buffy said.
"What? Why?"
"I told Faith and Spike to meet me there. My dad's in Spain again and I told them they could use it. I wanna let them know everything is gonna be all right."
"Ok." Angel steered the car towards Buffy's dad's house and let her out. He kissed her like everything in the past that was ever bad between them had never happened and watched her go up the stairs to the doors. Then he drove off to be somewhere quiet so he could read the letter to himself. Buffy had read it in the car.
Connor was running down a dark alley.
Angel stopped his convertible at a deserted stretch of beach road. He took out the letter and started to read it.
Dearest Steven,
This is a most difficult letter for me to write. You mean more to me than anything in this world or any other. But your best interests must come first, which is why by the time you receive this, I will be gone. I hope one day you will be able to forgive an old man's weakness, which compels him to say these things in a letter. But to attempt a good-bye in your presence would be impossible for me. I fear I would never let you go. And I must let you go. I know that if I didn't you would only end up hating me. And that I could not bear. Your destiny lies with your mother and Angel. I know that now. You will have a better life with them. I'm comforted by that certainty and the knowledge that with them you will discover your true purpose and come to know who it is you are meant to be. My only prayer is that I have prepared you well enough for whatever lies ahead. I trust that I have. Be brave.
Lovingly,
Your father.
Angel folded up the letter and returned it to the envelope. Angel wore the trace of a smile and quietly said, "Conner."
Justine slammed Holtz up against the sidewall of the motel. "Don't make me do it. I can't." Holtz had his hand wrapped around Justine's right hand and the awl she was holding up between them. "We already know you can. You promised. You said you'd do anything for me. Come on, Justine. I'm not asking you to follow me into hell. Just help send me there." She shook her head. "Do it!"
Crying, Justine, her hand still covered by Holtz', stabbed him in the side of the neck with the awl.
Holtz slid down the wall, still holding on to Justine while repeating, "Again. Again!"
Crying, Justine stabbed Holtz' neck a second time just below the first puncture.
Connor ran.
Holtz stared up at the dark sky and whispered, "Steven."
Connor burst into the motel room. "Dad!" He looked around the empty room. "Dad?" He backed out of the motel room and hurried down the balcony. He ran through a metal gate and stopped as he saw Justine, running her hand over Holtz' head resting in her lap. He ran up to them and dropped down next to Holtz, putting his hands on Holtz' shoulders. Justine slowly raised her head to look at him.
Steven stared at the two puncture wounds on Holtz' neck. "Angelus."